Omnia mea mecum porto

Signs and symptoms of hypochondria include:

• Excessive fear or anxiety about having a particular disease or condition
• Worry that minor symptoms mean you have a serious illness
• Seeking repeated medical exams or consultations
• "Doctor shopping," or frequently switching doctors
• Frustration with doctors or medical care
• Strained social relationships
• Obsessive health research
• Emotional distress
• Frequent checking of your body for problems, such as lumps or sores
• Frequent checking of vital signs, such as pulse or blood pressure
• Inability to be reassured by medical exams
• Thinking you have a disease after reading or hearing about it
• Avoidance of situations that make you feel anxious, such as being in a hospital* 

I sure do love to cook and bake.  I just wish that they'd make a more cushioned floor for the kitchen (that is also easy to clean and anti-bacterial) because standing around cooking and baking and dish-washing is hard on my legs!  And also, has anyone ever noticed that people say, "Oh, I love to cook!" or "I really like baking!" but no one ever says "I love to wash dishes!" even though dish-washing is an enormous part of cooking and baking?  Personally, I don't like to wash dishes but I don't hate washing dishes, either.  For me, anything that involves the reduction of bacteria and other materials that might be defined under the word "dirt" is cathartic.  Cleaning and organizing, those are two things I give a big thumbs-up.

So today started out with homemade breakfast burritos and the Sunday comics, then it was nap-time.  At the end of my nap, I got a nosebleed.  I'm lucky that I can be a light sleeper because if I hadn't noticed it and awakened, I would have gotten blood all over the place.  It makes no sense as to why someone would get a nosebleed in their sleep, excepting the possibility that the person has a life-threatening disease like leukemia.  I've been tested, I don't have it, but I do get a lot of pretty nasty nosebleeds.  Anyway, I got up after that, and took Phoenix to the dog park.  It was kind of funny - when we got to the dog park, a couple with a three-legged-dog had just gotten there.  Phoenix played with her for a few minutes and we went on our walk around the open space, and when we were just getting back to the car, that same couple was leaving, too.  We followed them all the way to Target, where we parted ways, and I ran into Target to grab a prescription.  Then we hit Petsmart to get more dog food for Phoenix, (and also a probiotic) and we ran into the same couple and their dog there, too!  In retrospect, I feel retarded for not being more conversational with them and letting Phoenix play with the other pup some more, but in my defense, I was retarded in that I did not grab a basket on the way in and ended up walking around the store holding 5 cans of dog food and a bottle of pills in my arms.  Anyway, I should have stopped and talked more and been more friendly.  I feel like I missed an opportunity to make some new friends, plus I have a very special soft spot for three-legged dogs.  I guess if we are fated to meet again, then we will!

Upon returning, my mom discovered that she had a flat tire, so I helped my dad change it (since bending over is extremely exerting for him) and then I made chicken curry for dinner.  It was glorious and delicious!  And so here we are.

I feel like I haven't been overly introspective lately - which is probably a good thing.  I'm always acutely aware of my many thoughts and feelings, but in the last few days at least, I have felt much less anxious.  There could be many reasons for this, of which I am not going to go into because they are too numerous.  However, I have been attempting to do things for myself that are kind and compassionate, including not being so hard on myself and giving myself a break.  I'd really like to be able to be happy in whatever situation I find myself thrown into, and I've found myself thinking about something a good friend said to me in an email recently:  

"I think some of the post-trip angst I'm feeling is what I always feel after a trip abroad:  that the US is an imperfect place, and international travel just serves to highlight those imperfections.  There are certain things that I emphatically DO NOT LIKE about life in this country.  I don't like how impersonal life is here.  I don't like how unconnected I am to my neighbors.  I don't like the fact that a lot of Americans go through life without a strong sense of community or belonging.  I don't like the fact that most Americans are frenetically engaged in the pursuit of happiness, yet most Americans don't seem to be all that happy.  I don't like the fact that we are so materially rich that we take our technology-driven lifestyles for granted.  I don't like the fact that Americans, compared to the rest of the world (with the exception of Japan), are uptight and rushed.  I don't like the fact that our uptight, rushed, technology-driven lifestyle has robbed us of the ability to appreciate simple pleasures.  I don't like the fact that most Americans measure their success by way of material wealth.  I don't like the fact that in this country, life is largely about things, not people.  I don't like my finding that Americans, by and large, have terribly unrealistic expectations of their children and are thus often consumed by frustration that their children are not behaving in the expected way, rather than simply offering the children unconditional love and finding joy in their company."

I think she very eloquently describes all the things that are wrong with America that people in other countries do not experience, and therefore are exponentially happier than most Americans.  I'm taking the points my friend makes and intentionally trying to use them to my benefit.  Why are Americans so obsessed with material things?  Why isn't the joy of good company, and good times with good people enough for most of us?  Why are we always striving for more wealth, with which to acquire more things?  Do the things we acquire really fill the voids each and every one of us has?

I shall forthwith try not to take little things that might bring me joy for granted: Episodes of 30 Rock, any singular moment I spend with Phoenix, laughing with my family, delicious champagne, nights on the town with friends, beautiful sunny days, beautiful snowy days, whatever good book I'm currently reading, fresh air, seeing something I've never seen before, Chipotle burritos, and the list goes on.  I'd like to think that I rarely took anything for granted anyway, but now I must make an extra effort in order to maintain what little sanity I have managed to preserve thus far. 

*"Hypochondria: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com." Mayo Clinic Medical Information and Tools for Healthy Living - MayoClinic.com. Web. 14 Nov. 2010. <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hypochondria/DS00841/DSECTION=symptoms>.

Something Clever Here

It's not known exactly what causes depression. As with many mental illnesses, it appears a variety of factors may be involved. These include:

• Biological differences. People with depression appear to have physical changes in their brains. The significance of these changes is still uncertain but may eventually help pinpoint causes.
• Neurotransmitters. These naturally occurring brain chemicals linked to mood are thought to play a direct role in depression.
• Hormones. Changes in the body's balance of hormones may be involved in causing or triggering depression. Hormone changes can result from thyroid problems, menopause and a number of other conditions.
• Inherited traits. Depression is more common in people whose biological family members also have the condition. Researchers are trying to find genes that may be involved in causing depression.
• Life events. Events such as the death or loss of a loved one, financial problems and high stress can trigger depression in some people.
• Early childhood trauma. Traumatic events during childhood, such as abuse or loss of a parent, may cause permanent changes in the brain that make you more susceptible to depression.

I had to really talk myself out of feeling enormous guilt for having spent some money on myself today.  I bought a pair of boots and a ski jacket.  The boots were more of a necessity than the ski jacket but I promised myself that I'd buy a piece of the gear I'll need to take up skiing a little at a time and I bought myself the pants way earlier this year.  I'm not sure I'll be able to actually take up skiing this winter season but it's more of a possibility with the new jacket.  Plus it matches my pants and it's super warm.  We're talking layers and layers, and for someone who hates snow and cold, it's quite perfect.

My family (not including my older sister but including my younger one) have spent a lot of time in the past 24 hours just sitting and watching Phoenix interact with my sister's cat, Othello.  The cat seems to have a deep-seated hatred of Phoenix, although it might be dogs in general and not Phoenix himself.  He's constantly running up to Phoenix, while Phoenix is just lying there minding his own business or chewing a bone, and smacking him in the face, and then running off.  I want nothing more than to get it on video because it's not exactly easy to imagine and it's much funnier to watch.

I didn't sleep well last night because Phoenix decided it was his turn to take up the entire bed.  I woke up at 3am (when my older sister had just gotten home) and had to get him up off the bed in order to stake my claim of the majority of bed-space.  After that it was a little easier to get comfy, but by the time I fell asleep it was 5am.  

I got a letter from the ambulance company today, saying thank you for applying and testing with the company, but that they would not be employing me.  I will call on Monday to see what information I can get about what the deciding factor was.  I'm assuming it was the driving record.  Which is really too bad, but having prepared myself for this possibility, I'm not taking it too hard.  I'm definitely disappointed, but not to the point of getting upset about it.  I also received my new driver's license today, and DAMN, the picture is pretty good!  Since I have to keep this one for the next 5 years, it helps that the picture came out awesome.  

I was thinking today about how much I like being able to get out of bed and being able to function normally on my days off.  Even though I was still mega-sleepy, I got up and got ready for the day.  My little sister accompanied me shopping for the boots, and it was nice to get out and about instead of spending the whole day in the house.  As the weather gets colder, staying in is going to be the norm I think, but I really like feeling "normal," by going out and doing things, even if it's just for a little while.  I wish that I never had days when I am incapable of functioning like a normal human being.  It's become almost a habit for me not to have anything to do during the day on my days off, and I find myself not even changing out of my jammies.  I can't express enough how much I liked putting on jeans and a t-shirt today and accomplishing things.  I also like being distracted enough to stop thinking and thinking and thinking about things.

I do find myself thinking about 75% more about the ex-boyfriend that recently contacted me.  I know that I've changed enough to be able to handle all the different thoughts I'm having without acting on any of them, but it's still sort of confusing for me.  He knows me so well and he knows exactly what to say to me to make me smile or giggle or to get any reaction out of me whatsoever.  But he also has the ability to make me feel as though I do not matter one iota to him.  I can deal with that part of it just fine now, but I think that I needed to have no contact with him for 9 months to be able to come to the conclusion that what he does and what he thinks with regards to me does not matter to me - or shouldn't matter - and doesn't affect my mood or how I feel about myself.  Either way, it's nice to know that I've made progress, and it's helpful to have the skills of self-preservation to understand that just because he got in touch with me doesn't mean it's changing the track I'm on towards building myself back up.  I will be okay.

*"Depression (major Depression): Causes - MayoClinic.com." Mayo Clinic Medical Information and Tools for Healthy Living - MayoClinic.com. Web. 13 Nov. 2010. <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=causes>.

A Glimmer of Hope

Specific phobia involves marked and persistent fear and avoidance of a specific object or situation.  Approximately 19.2 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 8.7 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have some type of specific phobia.*

Soo tired tonight.  Just woke up from a mini-nap the cause of which was that I had a whole glass of champagne and it was quite a bit.  I'm glad I've moderated my drinking enough for my tolerance to change like that.  I was really efficient today and felt the most like a normal person than I've felt in awhile.

Also, I did not get fired!  After a long talk with my employer, we agreed that I will start looking for a new job and she will start looking for my replacement.  This works nicely for both of us.  No abrupt end to my meager income and no chaos in a lack of assistance for her. 

My mini-interview went well today.  It was what they called a "meet and greet" that was just five minutes long.  I wasn't expecting to stay at work until 2 today and my appointment was for 2:20 in Boulder, so of course, I was late.  I apologized profusely, and then wowed them with my personality and knowledge of how an executive suites building works.  I have been invited back for a more extensive interview this coming Tuesday afternoon, so we'll see how that goes, but I plan on being nothing less than completely awesome.

And so it's off to bed with me.  Tonight, as I fall asleep, I will be thinking about the book I've decided to write, entitled "My Sister the Sociopath."  I estimate several weeks on the New York Times bestseller list and millions of dollars.   She'll get 10%.

*"NIMH · The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America." NIMH · Home. Web. 12 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml#Anxietydisorder>.

Chipotle + Buffalo Wild Wings = One Great Day

When you say the word "sociopath," most people think of serial killers. But although many serial killers are sociopaths, there are far more sociopaths leading ordinary lives. Chances are you know a sociopath. I say "ordinary lives," but what they do is far from ordinary. Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic feelings of affection and empathy remarkably well.  Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and the result is that most sociopaths go undetected.  Because they go undetected, they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he (or she) wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.*

I feel like that is - word for word - the best description of what I live with on a daily basis.

Happy Veteran's Day!  I used to feel very strongly about both Memorial Day and Veteran's Day because there were people in my life who were (and still are) military men, and they were extremely important to me.  Unfortunately, I've been disappointed and hurt by people who are affiliated with the military, and so I have a lot of trouble staying proud of the United States military.  However, I know that there are good and decent people who have devoted their lives to serving out country, and I'm nowhere near brave enough to be able to do that.  To those who have served and to those who continue to serve, THANK YOU for doing what so many of us are unable to.  You have no idea how grateful we are for you.

Don't feel much like writing today.  I had a decent day.  I went with Jen to a meeting with a possible agent who will be representing her for modeling.  I'm really glad she went, and I hope she is too, because she was really unsure about going at all.  But now she might get to be a real model!!  Yay!!

Oh!  Also!  My dad just started working for a company called Hotsos, where his job is to teach the Oracle database to people whose companies use Oracle.  He's only been working there since the beginning of September.  He submitted a couple of abstracts to include himself for consideration to speak at the Hotsos symposium in March of next year.  He was chosen!  I am so proud of my dad today!!  He's presenting!!  Here's his little profile thing: Go Dad!!

Had to deal with a minor freak-out by my sister today.  I'm really proud of myself for being able to say no to her without feeling overwhelming guilt.  It's going to take a lot more practice, but I'll get there.

*"How to Deal with Common Everyday Sociopaths. (article)." Articles on How to Feel Good More Often and Get More Done. Web. 11 Nov. 2010. <http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html>.

Left Up to Fate

Dissociative fugue is a rare disorder. An individual with dissociative fugue suddenly and unexpectedly takes physical leave of his or her surroundings and sets off on a journey of some kind. These journeys can last hours, or even several days or months. Individuals experiencing a dissociative fugue have traveled over thousands of miles. An individual in a fugue state is unaware of or confused about his identity, and in some cases will assume a new identity (although this is the exception).*

Despite my deep affection for sleep, I'm totally a morning person.  I can get out of my bed very early and be as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I was before I went to bed the night before.  I had virtually no problem waking up at 5:30 this morning despite the fact that my normal wake-up time is around 9am, or the fact that I didn't go to bed until around midnight last night.  However, I am feeling pretty exhausted today.

The interview I had today went really well.  I was really ready for both the written test and the practicals, and I feel like this interview was more laid back than the one I had earlier this year.  If I hadn't known that my driving record was going to be the decision-maker, I'd almost guarantee that I would be getting a job there.  Oh well.  I did everything that I could and now it's out of my hands.  There's no point in ruminating over it anymore. 

Work is getting increasingly more tense and awkward.  My boss spends as little time as possible in my presence.  I think she's trying to make her peace with having to let me go.  When I got home from work today, my sister was asleep.  She asked me to get her up when I got home, which I did, but she didn't get up.  I decided I wanted to lie down and take a nap, so I told her that when she didn't wake up in time for her visitation with her kids today, I would not take responsibility for it.  I did fall asleep for a little while, and while I wanted to just be able to let the whole thing go, I think I subconsciously could not.  I woke up at 4pm and she was still not out of bed.  I yelled at her to get up, and she hopped out of bed and started rushing around.  Her visitation was at 4:45pm today.  She likes to bring things for her kids, like snacks that she knows they like, but when she gets up so close to the time of the appointment, she can't do that.  Last night she went out and stayed out all night.  Again.  She told all of us that if she did come home last night, that we needed to make sure she was up at 7am to be at breakfast with her friend at 8am.  Then she proceeded to sleep all day.

She is on some very heavy-duty medications, including one whose dosage is so high that she passes out after taking it and then cannot wake herself up in the morning.  So she stays out all night, comes home, takes her meds, and then sleeps all day.  I'm so angry and frustrated that her kids are seemingly not important enough to her that she adjust her social schedule so that she can be awake and prepared on the days of her visitations.  On top of that, when she got up today, she asked me for money to put gas in her van.  I told her no, absolutely not.  I saw my dad give her $40 yesterday that was supposed to put gas in her van and then last her the rest of the week, but somehow that money did not go towards gas, and so she was unable to drive her van to her visitation, she took the truck.

I cannot comprehend being so irresponsible and disorganized that I couldn't even wake up on time for something important like my kids.  It makes me more pissed off than I know how to express.  Then the fact that she is STILL taking  money from my parents, completely devoid of guilt just adds to my frustration!  I began to think about how she was going to be late for her visitation, and how there was a good chance that she may get a speeding ticket on the way there.  I already know, from going through her van, that she has two unpaid parking tickets.  She is so incredibly deceptive and deceitful that if she were to get a speeding ticket, she would not tell my parents about it, the fee would go up, her license will get canceled or she'll have a warrant out for her arrest, and my parents will have to pay all the court fees, the fee to have her license reinstated, and whatever three times the ticket amount is because she won't have paid it to begin with.  However, I just found out that she drives around without a license.  So I guess she'll go straight to jail if she does get pulled over, which is bound to happen sooner or later.  I just hope her kids aren't in the car when that does inevitably happen.

So that was my day today.  I didn't really have too much time to actually use my brain to think about things, and I'm okay with that.  I'm trying really hard to just take things one at a time.  I know that one of my biggest triggers is projecting out into the future and worrying about all the "what ifs" of what may or may not happen.  

I am very tired, though, and I have the opportunity tonight to actually climb into bed and watch TV in my jammies and not have to study or write on my blog, so that's what I'm going to do.  Right now.

--UPDATE-- I'm mad because the Country Music Awards are on ABC tonight instead of Modern Family and Cougar Town.  So not only are two of my favorite shows not on, but they've been preempted by an awards show celebrating the world's worst genre of music.  I love a good awards show, but this is one I will never watch. 

*"NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | Mental Illnesses." NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy. Web. 10 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=26975>.

Too Good to be True?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year. Women are twice as likely to be affected.*

I'm just taking a short break from studying to write tonight.  After work, I spent a good 2.5 hours studying at Barnes & Noble with the help of my trusty former EMT/IV instructor, Sue.  Sue is wonderful.  Her eloquence alone makes her delightful to be around because I feel as though I am in the presence of true intelligence, and that's hard to find!!  Also, what better person to have quiz you and prepare you for examinations of certain subject matter than the person who taught you the subject matter?

So now I'm at home studying.  Most of the stuff is coming back to me, and I haven't completely lost all of it, although I couldn't for the life of me remember the baseline vitals for a healthy adult earlier.  It's okay, I've got them now.  However, it's snowing outside, and when the weather is like this, all I want to do is crawl in bed and drift in and out of sleep.  Oh, sweet sleep.  I also have to get up extra super-duper early tomorrow because I have to drive to Aurora in the first snowstorm of the season, so it's guaranteed to be a slow and lengthy drive.  I have to be there at 8am.  Ouch.  I'm also really excited though, because while my chances are low of actually getting a job with this company due to my spotty driving record, it's a chance to practice my skills and a chance to really impress some future prospective employers.

I'm fairly certain that Friday will be my last day at my current job, although I'd still like to hope not.  The reason for this is that I'm being pressured to finish up the manual for my position by Friday.  That seems to be a good indicator.  While I very much enjoy this job, and I enjoy being comfortable and familiar with it, it is becoming apparent that my boss and I are not exactly compatible.  I very much enjoy her company, and she's very energetic and passionate, and I would really like to emulate her, but I don't think I've got it in me.  I know real estate so very well, but it is not my passion as it is hers, and she knows it, but she wants someone to work with her who is as passionate about it as she is.  I guess that my concern is that she will have a very hard time finding someone who meets her standards because they are very high.  But that is something that is out of my control.

The good news is that I have not one but TWO interviews this week!  I was contacted today about a resume I submitted for a reception job at an executive suites building in Downtown Boulder, very similar to the one where I used to work.  I am extremely confident about the possibility of my getting this job as it is exactly the kind of job I have actually done before, and I'm going to go to the interview very prepared.  The only problem is that I was scheduled to go in at 1:20pm on Friday, at which time I will very possibly be cleaning out my desk.  I requested to be rescheduled, but I fear that it may interfere with my chances if they find me to be difficult right away.

I'm trying so very hard to not freak out about not having any income very soon.  It's really, really hard to imagine, even though I wasn't making that much money to begin with, because I ostracize my sister for taking so much money from my parents.  I hate taking money from them so very much.  It's mostly incomprehensible for me to have no money coming in whatsoever, and very, very scary.  I know that eventually things will be okay, and I have a great opportunity to do my best in two interviews this week.  Normally I would say that I am not lucky enough to not only have two interviews but to be offered two jobs, but I don't want to put that out into the universe, so I'm going uber-optimistic about it and hope hope hope that I get both jobs so that I have to make that decision instead of the other horrible decisions of how to scale back my already meager lifestyle.

*"Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) | Anxiety Disorders Association of America, ADAA." Anxiety Disorders Association of America, ADAA | Anxiety Disorders Are Real, Serious, and Treatable. Web. 09 Nov. 2010. <http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad>.

Abominable: awful, detestable

There are actually three different types of ADHD, each with different symptoms: predominantly inattentive, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive and combined. 

Those with the predominantly inattentive type often:

• fail to pay close attention to details or make careless mistakes in schoolwork, work or other activities;
• have difficulty sustaining attention to tasks or leisure activities;
• do not seem to listen when spoken to directly;
• do not follow through on instructions and fail to finish schoolwork, chores or duties in the workplace;
• have difficulty organizing tasks and activities;
• avoid, dislike or are reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort;
• lose things necessary for tasks or activities;
• are easily distracted by extraneous stimuli; and/or
• are forgetful in daily activities.

Those with the predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type often:

• fidget with their hands or feet or squirm in their seat;
• leave their seat in situations in which remaining seated is expected;
• move excessively or feel restless during situations in which such behavior is inappropriate;
• have difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly;
• are "on the go" or act as if "driven by a motor";
• talk excessively;
• blurt out answers before questions have been completed;
• have difficulty awaiting their turn; and/or
• interrupt or intrude on others.

Those with the combined type, the most common type of ADHD, have a combination of the inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive symptoms.*

It's been emphasized to me that it would make this blog more worthwhile and interesting and helpful to me and to my readers to request more comments from those of you reading, if you have them.  Comments, questions, thoughts, opinions, anything.  A lot of you will give me feedback individually and privately, and while I don't mind that one bit, I think it would be useful to me and to all of you to leave comments so that others can get involved in problem-solving and discussions.  So please, if you have something to say, leave it on here!

I don't know what makes me more exhausted - fighting the amount of stress that I feel like is drowning me, or just letting it wash over me and feeling hopeless and helpless to do anything.  I had therapy today, and I found it to be extremely helpful.  We even did a relaxing (as in to relax, not the act of being relaxed) exercise that is very similar to meditating, and I left feeling as though I were carrying around less weight for the first time in a couple of weeks.  But upon walking into the house, the tranquil feeling dissipated immediately.  My sister walks by me and goes "look at your potatoes."  I had started 4 potatoes baking in the oven for dinner before I left for therapy, and I went right on the defensive, assuming that after I left, no one ("no one" being my dad and sister who were both home the entire time I was gone) cared to check on the potatoes and they were burned or caught fire.  I looked in the oven and one of the potatoes had exploded.  Yes, I poked them to create spots for steam to escape.  Apparently my dad opened the oven to check their progress and poking the potato, it just exploded.  All over the oven.  Which I am now responsible for cleaning up.  On top of that, my dad had not even started frying the fish we were to be eating, and the sink was full of dishes and the dishwasher was clean but had not been unloaded.  When I come home from work and I see the sink full of dishes, I automatically assume the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, and I make sure to do it before my mom gets home from work because if it does not get done, she becomes furious.  While my dad has been home (not traveling for work), I have been asking him and reminding him to clean up the kitchen each day, and it never gets done.  My mom comes home to splenda wrappers and splenda all over the counter by the coffee maker, a sink full of dirty dishes, newspapers spread across the kitchen table, the counters full of crumbs and other crap and a dishwasher full of clean dishes.  I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why my dad will not unload the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen each day while he is home (and I know he's home because I am driving his truck).  If nothing else, I would drag my sorry ass out of my deathbed to do that if I knew it would result in preventing my mother from speed-walking around the house in a furor.

Between that and the amount of anxiety I'm feeling about my job situation, I feel like I've been hit by a bus.  Several times.  I can't even think about the other things in my life that are causing me trepidation right now.  I want to go to bed, and stay under the covers until something changes.  I feel like I'm walking around with an enormous boulder on my shoulders that I can't put down, no matter how hard I try.

I'm even pretty much past the point of crying.  I've been on the verge of tears all day long, but have yet to cry.  I feel like I can take as many deep breaths as possible but I still can't get any air.

I really want to get studying for my interview and tests on Wednesday but I can't concentrate on anything long enough to get anything meaningful out of it.  I will have to do my very best to do it tomorrow after work.

I told my mom that this house is toxic.  It's true, I feel like it is slowly destroying me, bit by bit.  And I am stuck here.  Stuck, immovable, though not for lack of want to change.  I'm tired of feeling like I don't know what to do.

*"NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | Mental Illnesses." NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy. Web. 08 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=23047>.

Blërg is Swedish for "Oh Shit!"

Depression is commonly treated with antidepressant medications. Antidepressants work to balance some of the natural chemicals in our brains. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters, and they affect our mood and emotional responses. Antidepressants work on neurotransmitters such as serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine.

The most popular types of antidepressants are called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). These include:

• Fluoxetine (Prozac)
• Citalopram (Celexa)
• Sertraline (Zoloft)
• Paroxetine (Paxil)
• Escitalopram (Lexapro).

Other types of antidepressants are serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). SNRIs are similar to SSRIs and include venlafaxine (Effexor) and duloxetine (Cymbalta). Another antidepressant that is commonly used is bupropion (Wellbutrin). Bupropion, which works on the neurotransmitter dopamine, is unique in that it does not fit into any specific drug type.*

I almost forgot to write today.  I've been busy trying to fill out all the stupid paperwork I have to fill out for this lawsuit in which I'm a plaintiff.  It's similar to a class-action suit against the makers of the birth control brands Yasmin, Yaz and Ocella.  One of the possible side effects of oral birth control, especially if you're a smoker, is blood clots.  A blood clot is a very serious health problem, it can result in a heart attack, stroke or pulmonary embolism, all of which have very high mortality rates.  I had ankle surgery back in 2006 to fix the ligaments in my left ankle.  After chronically spraining that ankle (and the other, which I had worked on in 2001), the ligaments had stopped being elastic as they are supposed to be and were just stretched out and pretty much useless.  Anyway, I had the ankle surgery, and was in a plexiglass cast when one day I had pain in my calf that was similar to a cramp.  I called my orthopedic surgeon and he told me to go to the ER immediately, where I was given an ultrasound and was diagnosed with a blood clot called a Deep Vein Thrombosis.  

The treatment for blood clots like these is to be put on blood thinning medications for around 6 months at a time.  For the first 10 days I had to be on injections (which I had to administer myself), and then for the next 3 months I was on Coumadin, a form of blood thinner.  I had to go get blood tests done once a week for that three months to make sure that the blood thinners were working correctly.  However, I experienced a few different complications, one of which included my being admitted to the hospital because my INR (the measurements of how the coagulants in my blood were reacting) was so high.  I was told that if I had gotten in a car accident or gotten a head injury, the chances were good that I would have bled out.

Anyway, I saw a commercial earlier this year about how patients that had been prescribed those brands of birth control had been experiencing blood clots and other medical complications to the point of death, even, and that attorneys across the country were putting together a lawsuit to sue the makers (Bayer) because of the abnormally high numbers of women experiencing life-threatening complications as a result of using Yasmin, Yaz or Ocella.  I had been prescribed both Yasmin and Yaz and from what I remember (it is still a little hazy), I was taking Yaz at the time I had the blood clot, so I contacted the attorneys and had myself added to the list of plaintiffs seeking damages.  So I had to fill out a Plaintiff Fact Sheet with information  regarding the complications of my blood clot as well as everything else from the last 10 years of my life.  Needless to say, it took awhile.  That's a lot of information, especially for someone with as many health problems as I've had in my life!

Today, I took it really easy.  I spent most of the day asleep.  I think I must have used up all of the energy my body had reserved for today yesterday.  Also, if you're wondering, I did cave and responded to my ex-boyfriend's text.  We talked for awhile last night while he was working and I was reading, but didn't really talk about anything too serious.  I explained to him my current situation and gave him the link for this blog.  I guess I just wanted to know why, after ten months of not speaking, he tried to communicate with me.  He told me that he missed my smile and got out the pictures, and so he wanted to share that with me.  The inner workings of his mind have always been a mystery to me.  I very rarely understood the things that he would do or say, and it didn't matter how many times I'd ask him to explain things to me, I more often than not was still very confused.  

I've spoken to some friends about my shock and my response, and I'm greeted with all the same worry I've been greeted with before when I've gotten back in contact with him after a long silence.  There is most certainly a pattern of me getting "sucked back in" with him and having the same exact reactions as before.  For some reason, I tend to selectively "forget" the horrible things that he's put me through or forgiven the hurt he's caused me over time.  I don't think that those are options anymore.  I have to put myself first, and I am going to have to work very hard to prevent myself from letting him back in.  Ironically, he has apologized countless times for the hurt he's caused me, and yet he just continues to do it. 

I'm torn because I know that people who truly love one another go through a lot in terms of the ups and downs of their relationship, and I have no real gauge for how high or low is too high or too low.  I have a hard time understanding when to say enough, and when to chalk things up as just part of loving someone.  However, I should try to take the advice I give others, which is that if the guy doesn't treat you like you're the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he doesn't take you for granted, then he's not worth your time.

I'm really nervous about work this week.  I don't know what I can possibly do to prove myself to my boss that I haven't already done.  I have an interview with an ambulance company on Wednesday morning, and I'm nervous for that as well.  I've been told that this particular company is very strict about the guidelines they use to insure their ambulance drivers, and my driving record is not exactly clean, although I've never been in an accident.  All I can do is go, rock the written and practical exams, and hope for the best.  I'd love to be able to work in a non-admin job because I think that I get bored because I'm always assisting.  I explained to my boss that she lives her job, as do a lot of people, but because real estate is not my passion, I don't live my job, nor can I because of the limitations I have on my work schedule.   I would really like a job that is MINE, that I can live for and always try to improve upon.  I'd absolutely love to be able to go to medical school someday, so that I can be challenged and use the intelligence that I have to help people.  Working as an EMT would be a great step in that direction, and all I really want is to be going in any direction at all instead of just being complacent.

Blah.  I think I'm just going to go get into bed and relax.  I need to be working on controlling my stress levels and now would be a great time to practice that.

*"NIMH · What Medications Are Used to Treat Depression?" NIMH · Home. Web. 07 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/mental-health-medications/what-medications-are-used-to-treat-depression.shtml>.

So, today is that day, huh?

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.  These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.  People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.*

Today has been a very strange day.  I got up at 10am and got going doing things and have not stopped since.  I rearranged my bedroom, but while doing that, I realized that I needed to replace one of the electrical outlets.  My dad was reffing a football game in South Denver and wouldn't be home for awhile, so I just started on it myself.  I turned off the electricity to that part of the house and had to do a little bit of research on the internet, but I was able to put a new outlet in!  But it didn't work.  My dad and I weren't able to work on it until after dinner when it was already dark, but we were able to get it working!!  I'm really proud of myself, that's a pretty difficult thing to do without instructions or help.  I only just finished working on my room. but it's real clean now, and having a clean living space is super helpful to decreasing the chaos in my head.

I can't even believe the amount of energy I've had today.  I can't even remember the last time I didn't at least think about crawling back into bed on a Saturday, but that's what happened today.  Maybe it was because my bed was covered in crap...

I also ran some errands and put some lighter blond in my hair.  And I was able to stop myself from hitting my sister when she got in my face (and I'm not exaggerating, her nose was touching my nose) after I stepped in to attempt to stop her from yelling at my mom after my mom told her that there was no more money for her.

Then, this evening, as I was putting my room back together, I received a text message from an ex-boyfriend whom I had not expected to hear from ever again.  It didn't actually have any words in it, but it was a picture of him holding three pictures I had sent him of myself in a care package when he was still in Iraq, before we had actually met.  I'm really surprised, because like I said, I wasn't expecting it, but I'm even more surprised at how I reacted.  I looked at it for a moment, and then put my phone down and went back to working on my room.  I of course, told a few people who went through the entire drama with me and their reactions were all the same, and they all asked if I responded, and I told them no, that I would not be responding.

I am not one of those people with an addictive personality.  I tell people that I have a propensity towards alcohol, that I might be able to be an alcoholic if I really tried, and if I didn't hate being hungover so much, but that's the extent of my addictions.  I thrive too much on change to be stuck with one thing forever.  That might be a pretty good indication that I probably will not be getting married, ever.  With Borderline Personality Disorder, addiction isn't so much a problem as is not being able to distinguish oneself from others.  Most people with BPD allow themselves to be swallowed up by their relationships with others, and have no real characteristics of their own.  I can most definitely see how I was like that, once.  I don't really think I am that way anymore, though.  However, if there was one other possibility of something I could become addicted to, it was this person.  My relationship with him was beyond tumultuous.  It was drama to the Nth degree.  There were breakups and fights and horrible things said to one another, wonderful things said to one another, plans made for the future, plans broken, my heart broken, thousands of miles traveled, car accidents, physical violence, and so many other things.  There were so many ups and downs that I feel like had I actually been physically moving, I probably would have made it to Neptune and back.  There is something about this person that draws me in, and I cannot put a finger on it.  Perhaps it is my belief that he did once and may always love me.  Yet the emotional turmoil he put me through I would not risk again unless he was holding Phoenix ransom with a gun to his head.  And I don't see that happening because he is both 3,000 miles away and allergic to dogs.

It is taking all of my willpower and self-control not to jump on this "opportunity" to talk to him again, but I know exactly what direction the whole thing would take and as much I as miss him and wish I could talk to him, I know that it will set me back exactly 9 months, and that's a long-ass time.  And so I won't reply.  At least not yet.  I'm not going to discount it as a very tiny possibility at this point, but neither will I allow it.  I know I'm just curious about why the heck I'm hearing from him but a little curiosity is not worth a lot of progress.

I've had many a discussion with Jen about how I feel about military men.  She and I have both had long and long-distance relationships with military men, and from what we can tell, it is a nearly impossible feat.  There is something about men in the military who do not seem to know how to correctly function as a normal human being in a relationship.  It may be their constant close proximity to large numbers of other men that requires them to act more similarly to animals than people.  Either way, it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with a military man and keep one's sense of self intact.  It's just the nature of the beast.

And so that's that.  As I told my boss yesterday, all I can do is my best, and if I cannot prevent myself from responding, then I will have to live with the consequences.  As for today, mad props to me!!!

*"NIMH · Borderline Personality Disorder." NIMH · Home. Web. 06 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml>.

Zanarini MC, Frankenburg FR, DeLuca CJ, Hennen J, Khera GS, Gunderson JG. The pain of being borderline: dysphoric states specific to borderline personality disorder. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 1998; 6(4): 201-7.

I Know Why This Keeps Happening

Although the number of survivors is difficult to calculate, conservative estimates indicate that there are six survivors for every completed suicide. Based on data from 1983 to 2007, we can estimate that the number of survivors in the U.S. is approximately 4.6 million. An estimated 207,588 survivors of suicide were added in 2007.*

I almost got fired today.  After not being able to go to work on Monday, my boss got very mad and then even more upset when I went in on Tuesday and did not address it.  We had a very long discussion, and it was decided that for the next week, I will be on a "trial," while she thinks about whether or not to go ahead and let me go.

I'm really upset by this.  Honestly, I don't feel like rehashing the feelings I've been through today because I'm exhausted from the onslaught of them.  Maybe I will be able to go through it some tomorrow.  This weekend is going to be really rough for me.  I'm feeling as though I'm in crisis mode which I have never addressed on here before which I will plan to address in the near future.  I'm just hoping that my mood does not make Phoenix sick again.

*"CDC - National Center for Health Statistics Homepage." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Web. 12 Oct. 2010. <http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/Default.htm>.  Accessed thru "Suicide Fact Sheets, Stats and Trends." American Association of Suicidology. Web. 12 Oct. 2010. <http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/stats-and-tools/fact-sheets>.

So it Took a Month for Me to Get Sick of Writing Every Day

Although a specific genetic link to bipolar disorder has not been found, studies show that 80 to 90 percent of those who suffer from bipolar disorder have relatives with some form of depression.  It is also possible that people may inherit a tendency to develop the illness, which can then be triggered by environmental factors such as distressing life events.*

I tried really hard to eat five donuts today.  I only managed to eat four but it was not for a lack of trying!  That was the highlight of my day today.  Took P to the vet, who said that he appears to be pretty much fine.   We weren't able to pinpoint any particular problem.  It could just be an overgrowth of bacteria in this lower GI tract, which is easily fixable with probiotics or antibiotics.  I'm going to go with the probiotics first just to keep it natural, also I don't think I can afford antibiotics!!  But he is acting normal again, eating and drinking and playing, and I'm feeling pretty good, so I am really beginning to wonder if his gastrological problems are being caused by the energy I'm putting off.  He seems to get really sick when I have an episode of seemingly unending despair.  The last time he got really sick was right after my birthday weekend when I was inconsolable, although I attributed it to the possibility that he ate cat food as my little sister and her kitty were here that weekend.  The patterns of his getting sick seem to be in conjunction with the times when I let stress get the better of me.  I'm going to be really attentive of his diet for the next few weeks just to see if it might not be something he's eating that's upsetting his stomach, but I'm also going to try to chronicle his physical health on this blog to see if there are correlations.

I got my stupid license reinstated today, paid the stupid $95 fee plus the $21 fee to get a new stupid license.  But I had the money to be able to do it myself and my dad was really insistent on his paying for it, but I told him no, that I would do it myself.  And I did.  I'm proud of myself for doing that!  It's a start, right?  I still have enough money to be able to make payments on all of my medical bills and make my student loan payment as well.  I may have no money left over, but I am giving myself major props for not just spending money hoity-toity and then being able to make these payments responsibly.  I have to credit having my purse stolen for saving money as I had to order a new debit card which only arrived yesterday.  I'd really like to be able to keep saving money as well as I have been the last couple weeks (it feels really good!), so I'm planning to hide the card from myself or put it in a really inconvenient location so that I rarely use it.  We'll see how well that works.

I was so efficient and energized today that I'm sort of coming down hard tonight, so I'm ending here.  I'm glad tomorrow's Friday, I feel like it's been a very long week even though it's gone by quickly.  Also, I had a good hair day today.

*"Mental Health America: Bipolar Disorder: What You Need to Know." Mental Health America: Welcome. Web. 04 Nov. 2010. <http://cms.nmha.org/index.cfm?objectid=74F71A5E-1372-4D20-C830054B471F27A0>.© copyright Mental Health America

It's Inconceivable?

In general, clinical depression occurs in approximately 15 to 25 percent of the population, and women are twice as likely as men to experience depression. Because women are most likely to experience depression during the primary reproductive years (25 to 45), they are especially vulnerable to developing depression during pregnancy and after childbirth.  Postpartum depression (PPD) is a major form of depression and is less common than postpartum blues. PPD includes all the symptoms of depression but occurs only following childbirth. It can begin any time after delivery and can last up to a year. PPD is estimated to occur in approximately 10 to 20 percent of new mothers.*

After writing last night, I felt like I had a fever that suddenly broke, and I feel much better.  This morning, poor Phoenix's tummy was gurgling and growling and just making the most horrible noises, and so loudly, too!  So we are going to the vet real early tomorrow morning.

I actually watched some of the political reporting that was on TV before I went to work this morning!  It was kind of exciting to see that some decisions that I made actually made a difference.  I finally feel like I'm understanding more about politics, and that's also exciting.

I received a phone call today to schedule an interview with an ambulance company, that a friend of mine from EMT school works for.  The interview is next Wednesday, so I have about a week to study up, and I plan to come out of the interview with full knowledge that I rocked the written and practical exams so that there's no question about why I won't get the job.  The reason I probably won't get the job is because of my driving record.  I have 4 total speeding tickets in my life, and two of them are from the last two years, the last one being the one from Boulder that I paid too late which caused my license to be canceled.  I can pretty much tell now that this will end up being the reason they won't hire me.  They allow a few dings to the driving record, as long as they were a decent amount of time past and/or plead down from speeding to defective vehicle.  However, I'm hopeful.  All I can do is impress the shit out of them and hope for the best.

Something I've wanted to write about for a long time is my diagnosis of Endometriosis.  It is a disease that I would certainly wish on my worst enemy (most of my worst enemies are female) because I am petty.  Endometriosis is a disease that effects the uterine lining. For some reason, as yet unknown, it causes the lining of the uterus, called the endometrium, to grow both in increased quantities, and in places other than inside the uterus.  It can grow outside the uterus, on and in the fallopian tubes, on the ovaries, on the utero-sacral ligament (the thing that holds the uterus in place in the body), and even on the non-reproductive organs like the bladder.  Really, the only way to stop the endometrial tissue from growing all over the place is to stop having a menstrual period.  The female body stops generating endometrial tissue when it stops preparing the body for the implantation of an embryo - so basically, pregnancy is the only way to cure Endometriosis.  One of the complications with Endometriosis is that when the endometrial tissue grows in and on the fallopian tubes and other places, and the body begins to shed the intra-uterine lining, it also stops feeding blood to the other places where endometrial tissue is growing.  So those spots of endometrium more or less scab over and are broken down by the body.  However, when this happens, just as with a cut or laceration anywhere on or in the body, scar tissue remains in the place where the bleeding was.  So there is a good chance that scar tissue left over from the random endometrial growths can prevent an egg from actually being able to travel from the ovary to be fertilized at some point.  Growths on the ovaries can prevent the egg from being absorbed by the fallopian tubes as well.  The largest complication due to endometriosis is infertility.

I've been on oral birth control for a very long time, probably since I was 18, but mostly because I had such painful periods, not because I was sexually active.  After living with the pain and the heavy periods for like 4 years, I did some research on the internet, and made an appointment with my lady doctor to get it checked out.  I had all the symptoms, but the only way to know for sure was to have a laproscopy (a procedure where they make tiny holes and use a camera and a probe to take pictures and a biopsy of any extra tissue found in there).  So I had the laproscopy, and the doctor found "all kinds" of endometrium growing "all over the place in there."  I use quotes because those words are not exactly something you just forget, when you hear them from the doctor.  After the official diagnosis, my doctor and I set to work to try to find a way to prevent the pain and the heavy bleeding that was interrupting my life each month.  We tried the special birth control Yasmin, which is the oral birth control that stops females from menstruating once a month and has them menstruate only once every three months.  In a more aggressive move, I was put on Lupron, a depo shot that put my body into a form of early menopause.  I had to take calcium supplements and other extra vitamins to replace the vitamins that were leaching out of my body after the lack of hormones prevented their usage.  I had hot flashes, and was mostly miserable.  This shot was something I would have had to receive once every three months, and I got two shots before I decided that it wasn't worth the side effects.  During this time, my family also switched insurance to Kaiser, so I was forced to start seeing a male gynecologist - which was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be; he wore a bow-tie and a pin on his coat that said "Listen to Women."  Anyway, Kaiser really focuses on prevention instead of treatment, and his goal was not to continue to treat the symptoms I was having, but to try to prevent further damage.  I had an intra-uterine device put in to try to stop my periods altogether, but I have a "tilted" uterus, so it caused me nothing but extra pain for a couple of months.  The last resort was to just go on continuous birth control, which means that I wouldn't take the last placebo week of the pack of pills, I would just go straight into the next pack.  Those commercials are right, there is no clinical need to have a period when you're on birth control.  So for a long time, I was not having my menstrual period at all, and boy it was WONDERFUL.  However, every so often, I would take the placebo week because something in me felt like I was really working against nature by never menstruating at all.  Then, after my final break up with Aaron, I stopped taking the birth control altogether.  Boy was that a bad idea!!  I had a couple of regular periods, but then I was bleeding for three and a half weeks instead of 5-7 days with constant cramping.  I had finally gotten my own insurance by this point and went back to the same doctor's office I had been to originally.  My old doctor was not at that office anymore so I was assigned to a new doctor, and she's been pretty helpful.  She put me back on oral birth control, but when that didn't stop the bleeding and the cramps, and I literally had been bleeding for three straight months, I asked if she could switch me to a different, higher-dosage estrogen birth control to see if that made any difference.  I've now been on it for two months (or six weeks since I don't take the last weeks) and have FINALLY stopped bleeding.

That seems like a lot of information and it's all very personal.  But it's become one of the things that is constantly on my mind.  I wonder if all the messing around with different treatments and everything has caused enough endometrial tissue to grow in odd places that there is irreversible scarring in there and I won't be able to conceive naturally when I am actually ready to have a baby.  Watching or reading anything to do with people's struggles with infertility reminds me of the very good possibility that I won't be able to have kids someday.  I love babies, and I love my sister's kids.  I treat Phoenix as though he is my own, and so I know that I will really want to have kids someday, and it scares me to know end that I might not be able to or that I might have a very difficult time trying to conceive.  I've always wanted to know what it feels like to be pregnant and to give birth, and it doesn't matter how many different women I've had describe the whole experience to me, I just want to experience it for myself.

I've tried to apply to be a surrogate for couples that can't conceive themselves, but you have to have given birth before in order to do that.  Surrogacy would be a perfect solution!  I would be able to cure the Endometriosis, and I'd be able to help a couple have a baby themselves!  I've even considered advertising on craigslist to be a surrogate for someone, but that seems to cross the weird line into flat-out creepy.  I've considered getting pregnant via means of a sperm bank and then putting the baby up for adoption, but that seems like a horrible thing to do just to make myself feel better about the whole thing.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to get out of my brain today.  I've been carrying that around with me for a very long time and it's nice to talk about it.

*"Mental Health America: Postpartum Disorders." Mental Health America: Welcome. Web. 03 Nov. 2010. <http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/index.cfm?objectId=C7DF8CE1-1372-4D20-C892917FA2B62555>.© copyright Mental Health America

I Thought Writing Might Be Cathartic

There is a relationship between depression and suicide; the risk of suicide is increased by more than 50 percent in depressed individuals. Aggregated research findings suggest that about 60 percent of suicides were depressed.*

I had a brief conversation with my mom yesterday morning about this blog.  She told me that she thinks it is destructive to my mental well-being.  I think she's blatantly against the whole premise of me sharing my thoughts in a public forum because she thinks that it will be read by people who want to do us harm (mainly, my older sister's ex and his family).  She's always told us - whenever we got in trouble in school for writing notes - that you should never write down something on a piece of paper that you don't want posted on a bulletin board.  However, when I set out to begin blogging, I considered the possibility that there may be some negative consequences to my writing some of my innermost thoughts and posting them on the internet for the world to see, and I decided that I was okay with that.  I really believe that the positive results of my blogging (for me, mentally) will outweigh any of the possible negative consequences (to myself or others). 

These last two days have been awful.  Ironically, my perception of my sister's situation with her ex-husband and kids has not changed since the determination that she was still not going to be given overnight privileges with the kids yet.  I knew that is what would happen.  I did mostly okay during the day today, even managed to go to work and be there for three hours without bursting into tears (although I did cry).  But when I got home, it was as though something heavy settled in my chest and stomach, weighing me down.  First, I'm very concerned because Phoenix is sick.  He woke me up around 4am to go outside.  I thought maybe he just had to pee, but he was acting really strangely.  At one point he sat down in the yard, as though it were daytime, and started dry-heaving.  He threw up several times, and every time we went inside, he'd lie down for a few minutes and then need to get up and go outside to puke again.  Poor guy!  I stayed up with him until he was done throwing up and then we went to bed.  When we woke up this morning, his insides were making really loud noises again so I had to assume he was not feeling well.  When I got home from work, my little sister was home and told me to go downstairs to see something.  Apparently Phoenix had either puked or had diarrhea on the floor in the basement and when my dad saw it, he threw up, too.  I had to clean up Phoenix's mess, even though I had asked my dad specifically before I left for work to keep an eye on him and make sure he could get outside if he needed to, and my dad neglected to be watchful.  I hate when Phoenix is sick, and he is vomit-y or diarrhea-y probably at least one day out of every week, so I know that I need to start being really strict with his diet.  This is going to be a challenge because my mom is constantly giving him bits and pieces of whatever she is eating, even if it is chocolate, even though I've asked her not to do it. 

I'm feeling very stressed because I am so tired of being even semi-dependent on my parents for anything.  I hate that I can't just leave the house whenever I want because my car isn't working and I have to use my dad's truck to get anywhere.  I made a phone call this morning to a mechanic and found out that it is going to cost around $100-$200 just for the diagnostic on my car to see what the problem is, then they won't let me buy a used fuel pump (because I'm pretty sure that is what is wrong), which would cut that cost in half.  On top of all that, I can't even get the stupid car started so I have to find a way to get it to the mechanic in the first place, and towing is not cheap. 

All I want is the freedom to come and go as I please without being given the freaking inquisition about where I'm going, how long I'll be gone, when I'll be back, if I'll be around for dinner, whatever.  I want to be able to nap during the day without feeling guilty about it, I want to be able to feed my dog what I want to feed him without having to feel guilty about scolding my mom for giving him people food and too many rawhides.  I want to be able to take my dog on walks when and where I please and not be made to feel guilty about how I don't give him enough exercise.  I want to be able to eat whatever food I want without worrying that the food I've bought for myself is going to get eaten by someone else, and I want to be able to eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon some days and 9 at night others.  I want to not have to fight with anyone over the use of the washer and dryer, and I don't want to have to worry that my things are being taken without my permission only to be broken or destroyed when I'm not home.

I got into a huge yelling match tonight with both of my parents and my sister, because I was not really talking to anyone. I saw that one of my towels that hangs on the back of the bathroom door was dirty, and asked my older sister if she had been using my it.  How the hell should I know if she hasn't been using it?!?  She's so deceptive and devious, I wouldn't be surprised if she were, and I'm really weird about that kind of stuff!  She flipped out at me, yelling at me that she hasn't, and when I asked her why she felt like she needed to scream at me when I asked her a question,a she said it's because I'm always on her for something.  She's right, I am, but I'm doing it because I feel like I need to be on edge all the time, expecting to find out that something she's used or done will effect me in some negative way!  So I yelled back that I think that she's a piece of shit of a person (which I pretty much do), and she yelled back the most hurtful thing she could think of, that she'd rather be a piece of shit of a person instead of a lonely piece of shit of a person.  I don't know why she thinks I am lonely.  I'm lonely sometimes, sure, but I have a lot of people I can talk to if I need someone.  I think she thinks I'm lonely because I stay home a lot.  Anyway, my dad decided he needed to get in on the yelling action and told me to stop cursing, and then my mom got in on it too, telling me that I have a chip on my shoulder and have had since yesterday.  Hell yes, I have a chip on my shoulder.  I shouldn't have to worry that asking for something of mine back from my sister with whom I am forced to live will cause a huge eruption that results in someone getting their hair ripped out of their head or slapped across the face a few times.  I have HAD IT.  I am so done living here, with these people who would rather walk around acting as though nothing is wrong, allowing a sociopath to live in their home and steal from them and destroy their things, and never say anything for fear of a complete meltdown.  I refuse to sit idly by as someone takes my things and my money, threatens to kill my dog, and then pretends like everything is fine.  I simply do not comprehend how my parents can be so cowardly as to not confront my sister about her taking legitimate amounts of money from them for GOD KNOWS WHAT while they're paying over $1200 a month in expenses for her.  She manipulates and takes advantage and simply walks all over them, and then literally freaks out (and you have not seen a "freak out" until you have seen her freak out) when someone accuses her of something that she has clearly done. 

I felt so childish, because all I wanted to do after arguing with my parents and having them both raise their voices to me, was to run away.  It was that childish impulse every kid has, where they want to run away after a fight because they hope that it will hurt their parents.  How immature.  But I feel like they treat me like a child!!  Mostly I am able to remind myself that I am now an adult, but it's very difficult to live at home with the people who used to send you to your room when you got out of control, and they attempt to do the same thing even though you're 26 years old.

The next steps I have to take are to find a job with more hours that pays me more hourly.  I have no choice.  I'm also going to apply for Social Security Disability assistance, because I am coming to accept the fact that I will never be able to work in a steady, full-time position because there will always be days when I cannot get out of my bed to go to work.  According to a couple sources, disability is hard to get, and will require application at least a few times before it's accepted.  I have to prepare for the long road ahead of fighting for my own cause so that I can hope to live a life where my family drama will not affect my mood so profoundly.  I know that I have a lot of people out there who want to support me and help me, and I'm going to have to take advantage of some of the help that is offered to me.  However, I need to get on my feet as an adult, not relying on a boyfriend or a roommate to help me.  I need to learn how to be alone and make my peace with it to the best of my ability.  Hopefully I can make this work sooner rather than later. 

I do wonder if Phoenix wasn't sick today because of the amount of anxiety I am giving off.  I know that animals are very sensitive to their owners feelings, and I was feeling completely nauseated last night before I forced myself to stop moving around and go to bed.  It hurts me more than I can describe to think that I might be the reason for his discomfort.  All I want for him is to be happy and healthy - which is why I never yell at him and I never, ever, ever hit him.  He gets mud and crap all over the duvet cover of my bed, he keeps me from a deep and restful sleep some nights because he's sprawled out across the bed - much as he is now:

and he is my reason for living, so I will continue to let him do pretty much as he pleases. 

Something I wanted to bring up, although I'm not entirely feeling this way at the moment, is that it is not normal to want to die.  It is not normal to think that dying is a viable solution for anything, but it creeps into my head on days like this, when I'm feeling as miserable as I'm feeling today.  This is how that I do indeed have major clinical depression.  I would like to think that I am over my suicidal tendencies.  I don't want to be the person responsible for my death, unless it comes at 70 from cirrhosis of the liver from drinking.  But I don't mind the possibility of dying in a car accident or in some other kind of accident that is not my fault.  Mostly, I take great care to follow speed limits and traffic laws (I even have stopped speeding.  I am tired of paying for the tickets.), but I sometimes wish I would be that unfortunate person to be killed in a head-on collision with a drunk driver.  The one reason I give myself for sticking around is only Phoenix.  I don't care how goofy it sounds, he is my child, and I would do absolutely anything for him.  I would step in front of a bear for him, or in front of a car, or run into a fire to get him out, I'd absolutely sacrifice myself for him.  I just want to be around to make sure that he's treated exactly how I want him to be treated, with love and compassion and unending kindness.  I hate that animals can't talk - it hurts me more to know an animal is in pain than a person, because a person can tell you where it hurts, or how much, or what is helping, while an animal cannot.  And so I will not take my own life because I have to live for him.

I feel very sorry for myself, much as I would feel for someone else if I found out that they harbored feelings like mine about themselves.  I sometimes actually feel physical pain in my chest when I realize that what I am feeling is really, deeply sad.  I wonder if other people feel that way, too.

*"CDC - National Center for Health Statistics Homepage." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Web. 12 Oct. 2010. <http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/Default.htm>.  Accessed thru "Suicide Fact Sheets, Stats and Trends." American Association of Suicidology. Web. 12 Oct. 2010. <http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/stats-and-tools/fact-sheets>.

Post for Today #2

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social inhibition, sensitivity to negative evaluation, and feelings of inadequacy. Individuals with avoidant personality disorder frequently avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, or disliked.*

Some people say that if you are planning on having a crap day, that's what you'll get.  I really did hope today wouldn't be crap, but it was.  My older sister lost her shit again today after I asked for her to return yet another pair of shoes.  I had no idea it was so difficult to give a pair of shoes back to their owner after borrowing them, but for some people, apparently it is the end of the world.  It is for her.  It was a replay of the day of that fight, only both of my parents were home.  My dad got pissed because I "pushed" my sister's buttons (apparently this is what asking for my shoes back does), and my mom got mad because I told her to "fuck keeping the peace," since she won't dare to upset my sister, no matter how big or small the issue - stealing money or asking for a pair of shoes back.  

And so I have decided that the time has come for me to not be living in this house anymore.  The way that my parents coddle my sister has become inappropriate for her age and her sociopathy.  I refuse to live in a house where the crazy lady can do no wrong, but I get yelled at for requesting my items back from my sister.  At least that's how I see it.

My eyes hurt from crying.  I am at a loss as to what I can do in terms of my job situation and my living situation.  I make way too little to be able to support myself at my current job, while still being able to pay my bills responsibly.  I'm giving myself a little bit of time to get my shit together and look for a full-time job, but I'm hoping to be out by Thanksgiving.  I love my family dearly, but I have a responsibility to take care of myself and living here is not going to be conducive to that.

I'm going to bed now.  I need to rest my eyes and work up the courage and strength to do what I need to do next.  I can't believe this, and I'm terrified to do this on my own.

*"NIMH · The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America." NIMH · Home. Web. 01 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml#Antisocial>.

First Post of the Day

 Oh boy.  I'm feeling panicky and anxious today.  Due to the fact that my car doesn't work, and my sister and mom went to court this morning, and my dad took the truck, I had no way to get to work today.  So I am going to act as though I just had the day off, and focus on my mental health.

My sister had court this morning to find out whether or not the other parties would agree to amend the temporary orders to allow her kids over night visits at our house.  I know that it won't go well.  On top of that, I woke up to a pissy message from Former Bestie who read my post from last night and apparently only took out of it things that she could find insulting, not the parts about how upset and sad I am over the loss of her friendship.  I don't know how to react.  She continues to tell me things that are going on in her life that are lovely and wonderful, despite my pleas for her not to tell me those things when I'm experiencing such turmoil in my own life.  I guess it's time for me to fully walk away because I simply cannot handle her inability to change.

Ugh.  Today's going to SUCK.