When a "Day Off" isn't Really a Day Off

Well, just as I was falling asleep last night, little H came in and crawled into bed with me.  I really do love when he does that, but it's becoming a habit, and on top of it, we've gotten him sick with whatever it is that we've got that's all runny noses and coughs, so he coughed all night.  That's on top of his being a little kangaroo in the bed.  So not only did I not sleep well, I was awakened at 6am when they all wake up every day.

I took them with me to run errands today, just for something different for them to do since their mom can't really take them anywhere, being vehicle-less and all.  They behaved pretty well, but it's kind of obvious that they're on virtually no leash when they're with the other half of the family.  It's really frustrating trying to either undo or redo whatever damage that's been done in terms of their manners and their daily habits.  Here, they're asked to sit down and eat their meals, but it looks like they're not asked to do that at their other house.  I taught them about inside and outside voices today because apparently they're allowed to yell and scream everywhere they go, or at least that's what they do with me.

I'm also trying to retrain their mother, and that's an impossible feat.  If I weren't so tired of her yelling all the time (at all three of them, including the baby when she won't stop crying), and of living in the midst of toys all over the entire house and a filthy kitchen, I wouldn't even try, but if I don't attempt to do something about it, I'll go completely nuts.

I got the rest of my Christmas shopping done today, except the kiddos, but I'm not to worried about that.  I was watching what seemed to fascinate them the most at the store today.  It feels good to be mostly done with that, except that I have just about no money left between presents and the rest of the bills I have to pay.  Whatever I have left will be going straight towards the car at the end of the month.

I got all excited right before bed last night.  I found this freaking sweet run/obstacle course in Beaver Creek in June that I am amped to do.  I really want to do it!  It's 7 miles and 21 obstacle courses including snow, fire, water, mud, just about everything.  It looks like so much fun!!  I don't want to do it alone, though, so I'm hoping to enlist some people to do the race with me.  It's going to take some training - but I know myself well enough to know that I'm more apt to actually do the training if I have some kind of end goal to meet.  So we'll see.  I'm very excited about it though.  This is it.

That's about it for today.  I'm really trying to keep my frustration with my sister in check right now, but I'm sure I'll ruminate on it long enough to have a lot to say about it tomorrow.  Also, I still have to shower and get ready for work tonight, so I'm keeping it short tonight.  I have to break it to H that he can't come in and sleep with me tonight.  Ugh.

Just Another Day

I really wanted to put the clip from Grumpy Old Men on here, the part where Walter Matthau is walking out to get his mail singing "We're Having a Heat Wave," even though it's clearly the middle of winter and there's a foot of snow covering everything.  It's been a mild winter here so far, but it's the middle of freaking December and temperatures here are in the mid-to-upper 60's.  It feels like April, not December.  Meanwhile, the Midwest and the East coast of the country are suffering "bone chilling" temperatures and like feet of snow. 

Not that I'm complaining.  I am not a fan of snow.  It's cold, it's wet, people don't know how to drive in it properly and it makes life all around that much more difficult.  However, it doesn't feel like 9 days until Christmas.  People are walking around outside in short sleeves and even shorts, and everyone who has come into the building today is raving about how beautiful it is outside.  Two years ago, we had a white Christmas and it was delightful!  While I wouldn't put it past Colorado weather to dump a storm on us on Christmas Eve or something, it's just not looking like we're going to get the poetic snowy Christmas I so enjoy.  Forecast is for 50's.

I managed to keep pretty busy at work today.  I spent a bunch of time revamping the layout of this blog, adding information and dazzle to it that I thought it was lacking.  I'm excited about the few changes I've made - there are tabs at the top which include information about how to get in touch with me, as well as some brief background information on my life which I thought would be useful to people who don't know me well, and then I added a tab for the definitions of the word "crazy" and it's origins, because I've been called "crazy" in the past, and that is one of the very few things I take major offense to.

I made my mom's cupcakes last night and they turned out okay.  Better than any other batch of cupcakes I've made in the past, but still not quite to the perfectionist specifications I had in mind.  According to my mom, who ate all the extras I made last night, they were delicious.  I made half butter cake and half chocolate, frosted them all with vanilla frosting and then dusted half of them with crushed candy canes.  Then I put some fancy icing poinsettias, wreaths and holly bunches on half of those, and then piping gel snowflakes on the other half.  Hopefully her coworkers will have liked them.  People often say that if they owned a place that makes whatever their food vice is, they'd weigh a thousand pounds from eating non-stop.  I vaguely considered that problem when I took up cake-decorating, but the longer I've worked with that rich Crisco-based icing, the less I want to eat whatever I'm putting it on.  So at least I don't have to deal with that.

Something to note today: I am applying to become a contributor for examiner.com, a Denver-based online news source, which has a fairly large readership.  I'm hoping to be able to write both on mental illness/health, and on relationships.  I know that I'm by far no expert on either, but I feel like my point of view and the information I've accumulated on both subjects could be insightful and interesting for other readers.  I'm hoping to be able to link it to my blog as well and attract some more readership that way, too.  From what I can tell, you don't have to be any sort of expert to write for them, you just have to have half a brain and a semi-decent knowledge of the English language.  I know that writing isn't exactly the most lucrative of career choices, but at this point, it's not my career choice, and I do it both for practice and for therapeutic reasons - not for money.  If I ever happen to make money by writing, that will be a bonus.

I'm noticing that the days I spend at work, I feel less uneasy when I get home, and I like that.  I told Jonas today that the novelty of this job is starting to wear off, but whatever I'm getting out of being at work for 9.5 hours of the day is working for me, so I'm don't have disdain for it yet.  This job is not particularly challenging, and I'm rarely asked to do more than one thing at once, and while I sometimes worry about having too much time on my hands, I've really been using that time constructively.  I don't sit around thinking about the past, or about people in my past, I don't ruminate on whatever problems are currently plaguing me, and I don't frustrate the bejesus out of myself by projecting into the future.  I was asked again today if I'd be willing to do some work for the financial adviser upstairs and I found myself turning him down in favor of having the two days off during the week that I've got free to momentarily maintain my sanity.  While being at work for almost 30 hours a week has most certainly become beneficial for me, I think I still require the other two days of little or nothing to do to keep myself mentally afloat.

On the plus side, I have received my first paycheck, and despite most of it being already allocated elsewhere, I am reaping the fruits of waking up between 5 and 6am three days a week, which I had previously thought problematic but found myself having very little trouble doing.  I must be growing up.

Tenacious or Just Stubborn?

I'm not going to have time, nor will I want to write tonight.  I'm decorating cupcakes for my mom to take to work for a Bon Voyage party tomorrow for some of her coworkers.  Cake and cupcake decorating is very time-consuming!  It's not just the decorating part, it's the coloring the icing and the cleaning up that takes forever.

I'll put up pictures tomorrow hopefully.

I have things I want to write about and things I've been thinking about ad nauseum, but I think that my thoughts are too cluttered to really be able to sort them out into anything comprehensible right now.

I'm feeling a bit odd lately, too, because I'm not taking advantage of the time I have to myself at work to work on the book I literally want to write - the one I mentioned before that I want to call "My Sister the Sociopath."

I don't know the first thing about writing a book.  I've got a decent grasp of the English language, so I don't think that will be the problem.  I just have so much to write about, so many ideas, and so many things I want to analyze, and I have no idea how to organize all of it.  I want to write about growing up around and living with mental illness myself, but also the depth to which my sister is ill and dealing with all of her life problems from my perspective.  However, I don't want it to be taken out of context by my sister and my parents, because they'll both have a big chunk of content in the book as well.  I don't want them to take massive offense to what I write and I don't want them to think I'm being disrespectful, either, but there will be a certain amount of delicate information about them in this book. 

I guess I'll need to just do some more thinking about it.  I'll get started on it when I'm good and ready.

A Tear or Millions

At some point yesterday, I think I checked out.  I'm not sure how else to put it.  I took a nap yesterday afternoon, right as the kids were all getting up from their naps, and I had some intense dreams and when I woke up, I just didn't want to have to deal with the kids or my sisters or my parents.

I think my patience is exhausted.  It's just too much to have to keep my patience with my older sister, and at the same time stay pleasant with the kids, and attempt to be helpful to my parents.  Over the summer, we took a trip out to Iowa for a family reunion type thing, which included both sisters, my sister's (then) husband, and the three kids.  Any trip we've ever taken as a family, just the five of us, has been mostly disastrous and I can easily lay the blame on my older sister and my dad.  When one of them gets upset for any reason, the addition of the other one is like adding gasoline to a fire.  For the most part, the trip to Iowa was okay, and any problems that occurred were between my older sister and her husband.  However, I got very frustrated because my sisters and my mom (and my dad would almost always tag along) would take multiple (read: probably about 20 total) smoke breaks throughout the day, and because I don't smoke, I was the one left with all three kids.  In the hotel, at my aunt's house, at my grandmother's house, in the car on the road when we'd stop to eat, everywhere.  I love those kids to death, and if anything ever happened, I'd take them on as though they were my own, but given that my sisters and my parents were physically available and there, being left with the kids 20-something times each day was unacceptable.

I felt that way a lot this weekend, too.  I got really tired of being the one left inside the house with the three kids.  I try really hard to be gracious all the time, but I think I must have run out of grace because I just wanted to scream at my parents and my sisters for not giving a second thought to my wants and needs instead of only thinking of their own.

I gave a lot of thought to addiction this weekend.  I've often said that I have a predilection towards alcoholism because it's in my genes.  I've had weeks or months at a time where I've had at least one alcoholic beverage every day, but I always quit after about three drinks.  I hate how I feel after being intoxicated, and so I tend to not get too far drunk because I'm always wary of having to feel that way later.  I rarely drink to get drunk, I drink because it calms and quiets my busy brain and perhaps to feel some sense of control.  So because I guess I am averse to addiction, I have a very hard time comprehending it.  I guess the closest feeling I ever have to being addicted to something is sleep.  I get very upset and frustrated when my parents or my sisters indulge in their addictions - pot and cigarettes - especially when it leaves me in a lurch, or when they allocate money towards paying for pot or cigarettes when the money could go towards payments on their credit cards so we'll stop getting incessant phone calls to the house from creditors, or towards the mortgage payment for the house, or towards anything but what it ends up going towards.  

I know that I can't control other people's actions - that's something that I struggle with on a daily basis, especially being stuck in the situation I'm stuck in.  I feel so completely out of control and helpless.  I feel like no matter what I do, or don't do, it's the wrong thing.  I want to get out of here so badly, but I am trapped.  I'm financially chained to this hell for another couple of months at least, and I don't know if I can stick it out.  I'm tired of listening to my sister yell at her kids, I'm tired of not being able to find solace in my own home, I'm tired of watching my parents enable my sister, I'm tired of listening to my parents complain about not having any money, and I am most tired of not being able to do anything to change any of it.

It's times like this that I wish I had some kind of addiction with which I could temporarily escape this feeling of absolute helplessness.  I have nothing, and because I am who I am, I'm not likely to just up and leave the house to feel better; Phoenix doesn't deserve to be left here and there aren't many places I can take him with me.  So I figure that if he has to be stuck here, so do I.  It's not fair for me to leave him.  I'm very perturbed because he's so sensitive to the whole atmosphere of the house, and my sister gets so agitated so easily, that he gets very visibly upset and there's just about nothing I can do about that, either.  And when my sister gets agitated, my dad gets agitated, and then the whole feeling of the house changes to that of frustration and tension.

I'm tired of being so affected by all of this, and I'm tired of having to fight it off.  Right now, this very minute, I'm allowing it to sort of take over, because I'm in a safe place and I'm just exhausted from fighting it off every second of every day.  I know that it's just a feeling, and it's temporary, and it will go away, and as long as I focus on that aspect of it, I will be okay.  I need help, I just don't know where or how to get it.

At Least Therapy Went Well

It's been a long day, and I don't feel much like writing.  The kids are here, my sister just let the baby fall headfirst off her bed onto a carpet-covered concrete floor, and I'm just beyond annoyed.  My parents keep leaving to go "run errands" which we all know means that they are leaving to both get out of the house and to go smoke up, and I'm not going to be able to tolerate it any longer.  I'm feeling really judgmental and pissy and I'd rather just check out, lie down and watch crappy TV until I fall asleep.  Maybe I'll feel like writing tomorrow.

Been Lazy

Full-on head and chest cold.  Ugh.  Spent most of my day off bringing up Christmas decorations from downstairs and getting them set up.  Looks pretty good.

I went to my company Christmas party last night, which I hadn't originally planned on attending.  However, I have fit into this job like a round peg in a round hole.  Plus the food looked soooo good, and it was also free wine, so how could I say no?  I ended up staying and socializing for about an hour, which I feel very proud of myself for.  Having grown up with my mom - the Queen of social anxiety - I very often likened myself to her when in social situations.  But I've discovered that I have a bit of a knack for meeting new people and making inane conversation with them to avoid awkwardness.  In fact, I think I quite enjoy meeting new people and asking questions, but my mom does not.  I think I really like that I am not the same as her in that aspect, because I know that is something that she's battled her entire life, and it's something I don't particularly like about her.  My older sister thinks that she is the least socially inept of our whole family, and in some ways she is - she can walk into a room of people and just start talking to God and everyone there, but she also seems to think that people like that she is like that, and I think she makes many people uncomfortable.

Speaking of Crazy, we had a minor meltdown today when she tried to leave with the truck to "buy cigarettes," (which we knew was not true), she had told us that she wanted to go "for a drive" to go smoke pot so that she wasn't doing it in the open garage for the whole world to see.  I said no, she was not allowed to take the truck, and she flipped shit.  She called my mom at work, and walked around for a good five minutes bitching about how stupid and ugly and fat I am, and how I'll die alone, and how I have no friends and no one likes me, and that at least she knows how to go out and have fun...blah, blah, blah.  I can tune her out, because I know that she's just on autopilot at that point and I refuse to engage her.  My little sister, however, got really mad and started yelling at her, which caused my older sister to spit in her face from a distance of about 10 inches.  When that happened, my little sister slapped my older sister across the face and walked away.

This was a minor meltdown in comparison to the other ones we've had, for sure.  It most definitely had the potential to become a major one, but I think my ability to completely disengage was really helpful.  However, my little sister was very upset, and called my mom at work to yell at her for giving in to our older sister's demands.  She has a really good point - when my sister goes nuts, they have two options: 1.) Give in to whatever she's demanding just to avoid hours of seemingly endless arguing, or 2.) Argue for hours.  More often than not, they give her what she wants so that they don't have to go through the whole song and dance of screaming and yelling and everything, and that's really bad.  They're just enabling her and reinforcing her belief that she can get what she wants by throwing a temper tantrum.  It's as though she's three years old.  When my mom was yelling at her the other night, she asked her to go to her room and she wouldn't.  So my mom said that if my sister were faced with this kind of behavior from one of her kids, she'd tell them to go to time-out or go to their room, and that would be it, and that it's not fair that my sister won't go to her room when my mom tells her to.  I think that was the first thing that got through to my sister the other day.  Interesting.

Self-Preservation

I really need to focus on things that I like about myself.  I think that if I put a decent amount of work into it, I can really convince me to like myself as much as I like anyone else.  However, while I wouldn't use the word "modest" to describe myself, I don't particularly like to list off my good qualities (awesome as they may be), either.  There's a fine line to walk between love and hate, as I've recently discovered with the recent episode with Former Bestie (who I'm considering apologizing to, but that's something to discuss later).  I think that when you love someone (or something), it's very easy to convert that love to hate when something happens that upsets you greatly.  I also think that someone grounded would know better than to allow themselves to be sucked in by such a fervent emotion.  I am one such person - I feel an emotion and I let it sweep me away with it until it has changed my mood entirely.  I have put a freaking LOT of work into not allowing my emotions to seize my entire being and charge off with it, so I know when to stop and take a good look at the direction my emotions are going, and while I definitely do not love myself to the extent that I should, I no longer hate myself!  And if I'm going to be the one spending all this time with me, then I should really enjoy my company, no?

-I smile a lot.  When I'm driving, when I'm shopping, when I'm working, when I'm playing soccer, when I'm cooking, when I'm playing with Phoenix.  I do this mostly on purpose, and especially when I'm interacting with strangers, because I have come to find that if I'm being pleasant and helpful instead of begrudging and crabby, I have a better chance of getting the outcome I'd prefer.  I'm super nice to people on the phone - if I'm asking a billing question or trying to figure out why I've been screwed out of something (most recently, $50 was deducted from my bank account without my authorization to make a student loan payment on a loan that had been consolidated - when I asked them to refund that payment, instead of sending it to me, they sent it to the company with which I had consolidated my loans as a payment on the loan.  I was furious.) I try to ask constructive questions instead of being demanding and insulting as the person I am talking to is not the person who caused the problem in the first place.  Anyway, the main point is that I'm cordial and polite and as nice as I can possibly be to strangers and/or customer service reps.  I really like that about myself.

-I'm really, super organized.  Even if my bedroom is messy, I still know where I can find anything.  I rarely lose things like my wallet or my car keys or my sunglasses.  When I set something down, I remember exactly where I put it and in what position I left it.  I guess you could call this being acutely observant, which I am as well.  I notice things that others tend to be unaware of.  This serves two purposes - I can tell people something about myself without actually bragging that I remember where they left something (which is usually pleasantly surprising to them), and I can be more helpful to myself and others by being aware of something they were not.  I pride myself on this quality because I'd like to think that it will help me pursue a career in forensics, where observations are often the key to solving a crime.

- I'm extremely intelligent.  This includes soaking up information as well as utilizing new information, being interested in and capable of learning new things to which I may not have had previous knowledge or interest, and applying my knowledge to various aspects of life and not just academia.  Also, I write pretty well.  Despite my lack of interest in English and "Language Arts" in school, I've been able to pick up and retain all kinds of information with regards to the proper usage of the English language to a point of near-mastery.  While math is not one of my strong points, I can use the finer points of physics to describe why traffic jams happen and I can come up with ideas both coherently and creatively.  My intelligence is well-rounded, and I have fountains of knowledge in many different areas, both fact and comprehensive.  I think my intelligence also allows me to see things from several different perspectives instead of being blindly lead by my one measly point of view of the world.

- I'm ridiculously honest.  I'll be the first person to admit when I've made a mistake, or when I think I've done something wrong.  I ditched school a month after I'd gotten my drivers license to go see a band play an acoustic session at the Hard Rock Cafe in Denver, and when I got home, I told my parents about it before they got the phone call from the school notifying them of my absence.  When I found out that my sister's husband had in fact gone over to my friend's house and beaten the snot out of him after a party I had, I told the police about it even though my brother-in-law was going to be charged with assault because of it.  It didn't matter that I may have had moral obligations to my sister or loyalty to my family, I wanted to do what was right by the law and by my own conscience.  I've discovered that when you can admit that you've done something wrong to someone, they tend to have a greater respect for you and your ability to take the fault for something.  Also, lying is hard!  When you lie about something, you have to remember all the details of the lie, and be constantly on your toes trying to come up with new explanations for the lie, and it's just much, much easier to tell the truth, even if you think you might look bad because of it.  When it comes down to it, I'd much rather face the consequences of doing something wrong than have to worry about covering up for it.

- I can be really funny.  Whether it's by means of absurdity, dry sarcasm, or witty empathy, I like making people laugh.  It's a great way to break tension, and laughter is a great connector of people.  I deeply admire anyone who makes others laugh for a living because it is so necessary and so difficult.  I've been able to break a few people's hard exteriors with some well-timed humor and been the better for it.  Humor is a great way to make friends and bridge gaps with people you don't know.

That's only a start, but I'm exhausted, so it's off to bed and tomorrow I have off.  Thank the lord.

Enigma

Well I woke up at 6am today all phlegmy.  I got up, had a cup of hot apple cider, took a Mucinex DM and went back to bed.  I find it odd that this is cold #2 in like 3 months, since I rarely get sick due to the immense amounts of sleep I get.

When I did get up, I made a couple pans of cornbread and then took Phoenix with me to run some errands.  We cheated on the way home by stopping at the park to go run around, but it got the job done just the same.

I am so unbelievable irritated by my older sister's behavior.  She wrecked her van, leaving her without transportation, which for her is completely impossible.  My dad told her she could use the truck that he is graciously sharing with me for pertinent errands only, and that was okay for two days.  On day three, she threw a literal temper tantrum because both parents said no, she would not be permitted to take the truck to go out at night to drink and socialize - for two reasons: 1.) she would quite possibly drink and drive again, wreck the truck and leave THREE of us without transportation, and 2.) she would not return the truck with gas in it or she might stay out all night and not make it back in time for me to leave for work in the morning.

A few days ago, while the kids were here and playing by themselves, she told me something that will forever change my perception of the magnitude of her mental illness.  See, serial killers often attempt to plead insanity when being prosecuted for their crimes, and more often than not, that plea holds no water in court because prosecutors are able to call enough witnesses and provide enough proof that the accused killer was fully aware that they were manipulating their victims at the times of their crimes.  My sister told me that she gets mad when she's not able to get what she wants and can't manipulate people to get what she wants.  She actually used the word "manipulate," which leads me to believe that she knows exactly what she's doing when she has a fit.  

Last night was no exception.  When told no, she was not going to be allowed to take the truck, she cried, yelled, screamed, about being punished, about being taught a life-lesson, about being treated as though she were twelve, about how it's "NOT FAIR!"  She called my dad, who is working in Tennessee this week, to try to convince him of why she should be allowed to take the truck, and he ended up hanging up on her and then turning his phone off.  She then threw the phone across the kitchen and dining room when she discovered he'd turned off his phone.  She demanded to know the hotel where he is staying.  Fortunately, he no longer leaves that information with us when he travels, and we were unable to provide that information to her, otherwise she would have called the hotel.

I am at a complete loss for how to react at this point.  I sat an listened to my mom as she explained to my sister how unfair it was that my car was not working - by no fault of my own - and that instead of helping me pay to get it fixed, they'll be forced to pay to fix her completely conscious and ridiculous choice.  I'm really glad that she said it, because my little sister and I were wondering if that was something she and my dad had thought about.  My mom was supposed to be trying to get my older sister to understand the natural consequences of her actions, which up until now she has not been forced to do.  However, because my sister is a crazy-assed sociopathic master manipulating selfish bitch, she managed to win the war of attrition she wordlessly (and yet she didn't shut up for over two hours) declared on my parents last night.  My mom finally just gave up because my sister wouldn't stop asking the same questions over and over, wanting to know why she was being punished, why she was being treated like she was twelve, why, why, why they were saying no.  It's as though she simply spoke a different language and the words that were coming out of my mother's mouth had no meaning to her.  

My poor mom sat there in tears, saying no, no, no, she could not be allowed to take the truck, and that nothing my sister could say that would change her mind.  She gave it a terrifically gallant effort, and I am really proud of her.  I want to throttle my sister for putting that unnecessary stress on my mom.  My mom is having a very difficult week at work, which includes being attacked and almost thrown into traffic by a patient, and she just wanted to come home yesterday and relax, but that was something my sister would not tolerate.  I tried to tell my mom not to engage with my sister and to remain detached and staunch.  She did her best, I know she did.  I didn't want to get in the middle of it, because had that happened, it most certainly would have gotten physical and I'm only just healed from her clawing the shit out of my arm.  I keep thinking about what I could have done or said to have changed the situation, for example, that I get first priority of use of the truck, and that I needed it, but that would have been a lie, and I try not to lie at all, ever, even if it's to her.  I should have said I needed it again tonight, too.  My sister actually called my mom on her work phone to continue the argument for why she should have use of the truck tonight in addition to last night, and my mom gave in, and I don't blame her one bit.  But I was the one who gave my sister my mom's work number, which had I been in my right mind (not having just fallen asleep), I wouldn't have done. I should have known.  I just called my sister and told her that I'm really pissed that she called my mom at work to keep trying to let her use the truck, and that she would not be allowed to take the truck out again.  I will be more staunch about it than my mom.  My mom gets tired of fighting with my sister, but I do not.  When she pisses me off, it seems to light a fire under my ass to prove to her how wrong she really is, and how different her perception of reality is from the rest of us.

None of this even begins to explain how her outbursts and tantrums scare the shit out of Phoenix.  He cowers in the corners as soon as she starts to raise her voice, and cannot be coaxed out of whatever weird place he's in for anything.  It's like her yelling and crying short circuits his brain and he cannot function correctly.  This upsets me to no end.  I have tried nicely asking her to calm down because she's scaring Phoenix but she just keeps raving about whatever wrong she's been done because all she cares about is herself.

There is no solution to the problems she is causing in my family members lives.  My little sister is lucky because she can just go up to Greeley, where she lives.  My parents are going to be stuck with my older sister for an indeterminate amount of time because her money management skills are nonexistent.  Any money she will earn from either working or from child support, will be blown on gas, coffee, and cigarettes before she even begins to consider paying rent or bills for electricity, water, or anything else.  I've suggested that my parents take steps to having her declared incompetent so that any income she gets goes directly to my parents, but she's not quite incompetent enough for the government, she's just incompetent enough to make all of our lives miserable.

I guess the only positive aspect to my sister's insanity is that it takes my mind off of my own issues.  I wish I could make my mom react the same way.  When my sister goes off, it seems to only exacerbate the issues that my mom ruminates on in her head.  She said at least twice yesterday that she wishes she could kill herself.  I don't know what I can say to her when she starts to take my sister's energy and use it towards her self-hatred.  I suppose it is different that my sister is not my kid and my mom probably blames herself quite a bit for how my sister turned out, but there's nothing that can be done at this point to change who my sister is and how fucked-up she might be.

That's enough analysis for tonight.  I'm getting really tired of rehashing the shit that happens in this house when my selfish sister decides that her entitlement overrides the comfort or authority of anyone else, but I don't know what to do.  I worry that her kids are going to turn out either like her, totally nuts, or like their dad, with no comprehension of the sanctity of marriage and no aspirations of greatness.  Those kids might be doomed to a life of mediocrity.

Discourse of Reality

Welp, no big complaints today.  I find that I'm not having as much trouble waking up early as I thought I would.  I think it helps that I mentally prepared myself beforehand, and also that I only have to do it three days a week, two of those days in a row.  That's not too bad.  I get to sleep in the rest of the days and that helps, too.

This cold or whatever it is sure is taking it's time.  Or else my body is doing a really good job fighting it.  It's a bit worse than yesterday but still not taking over full force.  

I'm getting into the groove of my new job and making myself more comfortable.  I'm finding things to do, things to read, and today I started getting some in-depth knowledge on human skeletal anatomy.  I really wish I were in school, but just because I'm not doesn't mean I can't still learn about things that interest me.  It would be really cool if I could go back to CU to retake my Anatomy lab and ace the shit out of it.  From what I remember it was my absence from a test on bones that compromised my grade in the first place.  Once I get bones down, I'm going to move onto musculature along with origin and insertion points.  I think that will help me a lot when I get back to school.

I received a lovely compliment today from one of our tenants.  She said that she really appreciated my positive attitude, and that with it I've changed the entire atmosphere of the building.  That was really something I needed to hear.  I make it a point to greet everyone that walks in here with a smile, to be as polite as possible, and to be as professional as possible.  I think it is paying off.  Before I became employed at this building, I had several occasions to come in, plus the two occasions I was here for my interviews, and I never felt comfortable here.  I always felt like I was being watched or like I wasn't in a welcoming place or something of that nature.  So I can understand and I quite enjoy the possibility that I've been able to make a difference here, however minute.  I like to be friendly with all the tenants that come and go, make eye contact and say hello and goodbye.  I've even started to break through to some of the engineers and software developers that work in the social media office!

As I am sitting at my desk towards the end of the day, and the time is slowly ticking by, I'm getting caught up on episodes of Bones that I've not been able to watch in their entirety due to the concurrent time frame during which 30 Rock also airs on Thursday evenings.  Bones, while well done, is hardly believable scientifically, but the interpersonal relationships of the characters are very well written and I find it funny and alluring.  On top of that, it is a show about forensic anthropology which is by far my second choice for dream-job - a close second to being a movie star.  I love all things CSI except for the actual CSI show.  The acting is so atrocious and the science so unbelievable that I can't even stand to watch it.  Anyway, as I'm watching Bones, I find myself feeling an affinity towards the nerdier characters.  I myself am a huge nerd, although without as much social awkwardness.  The characters seem to have a lot of confidence despite their status as social outcasts outside the Jeffersonian atmosphere.  I find myself envious of their confidence and the ease with which they create interpersonal relationships.  I also know that they are just television characters, and I have been told by both Brian and Aaron that sometimes I don't process reality the same way as most people - and that I live my life as though it were a movie.

What an interesting observation!  Considering my passion for the television and movie industry, I suppose that impression is spot on, however I'm not sure I agree with my apparent unrealistic viewpoint.  I live my life with every sensitivity that I'd like to be able to present in a character if I were acting.  I may expect the people in my life to live with the ability to present the same sensitivities so I think I am often surprised when they don't.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I'd really like to be able to accept myself exactly as I am the way the characters in TV shows and movies do.  Ironically, not the way my friends and family and other real people do.  I know that I'm much more capable of imitating characteristics of my favorite characters than I am of people I know.  That's really weird.  However, if I need to do whatever it takes to be satisfied with myself just as I am, then that is what I have to do.  It's what I've been doing for most of my life anyway, and mostly it works - emulating characters seems useful when attempting to shape myself.

I found this on MSNBC, it's an article about how we've become a Nation of Whiners.  I thought it was kind of pertinent to this blog.  I don't necessarily agree with everything that it says, but it's interesting nonetheless.

*Words*

When I originally started blogging, I thought that I'd have no problem finding 365 different statistics or facts about mental illness, but here I am at post like 65 and I've pretty much run out.  There probably are 365 different facts and/or statistics about all the different types of mental illness, but I'm having trouble finding them.  I don't have direct access to the most recent volume of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual), and there's not a copy that's been published online (there should be!).  It'd be a lot more simple to post information if it were perhaps a little more accessible.  And so from this point forward, I won't be including little factoids anymore, unless I find something that is particularly interesting or pertinent to what I'm writing about. 

I have been feeling physically yucky for over a week now.  My digestive system is all out of whack - I feel like I'm being forcefully pressed into the earth much more than usual.  I also awoke this morning with a sore throat and feeling a bit phlegmier than usual, as did my niece, so I'm anticipating impending illness.  I will try to use some Zicam to ward it off, but that stuff is expensive so I don't want to use it unless I know for sure I'm on the outer edge of full-on sickness.

I talked with a couple of friends that I haven't spoken to in awhile today, and felt like I was marginally helpful to both of them and the problems they came to me with, but we'll see.  I enjoy listening to other people's problems and offering constructive solutions if I can, or if nothing else, being able to listen.  The thought has crossed my mind to go into social work or psychology since I seem to be someone that more than a few people come to with psychological or relationship woes.  I suppose it has to do with my being so open and honest about my own struggles, but it feels good to take the focus off of my own internal battles for a moment and focus on helping others.

As someone who I sort of see as a whiner, I feel better about myself when I'm not talking about myself and my struggles, and it's even better when people I'm talking to are receptive to whatever advice or information I am offering to them.  However, there are people in this world that just whine and bitch about how unhappy they are and will do nothing to change their circumstances.  I think that is not only the hardest thing to do (I can't exactly change my circumstances as much as I'm dying to right now), changing the choices you make is the first thing that anyone can do to begin to change their circumstances.  One of the things I've learned in my psychotherapy sessions as well as my own research is that choices make all the difference.

A Moment of WTF?!?

In their lifetime, an estimated 0.6 percent of the adult population in the U.S. will suffer from anorexia, 1.0 percent from bulimia, and 2.8 percent from a binge eating disorder.*

Today was a rough day for me.  I was awakened this morning to voices discussing how my older sister will be getting from place to place from now on.  All I heard was something about ..."going that fast, will it?"  I didn't actually get up until a bit later, and took Phoenix outside.  My mom told me to take a look at my sister's van, and I saw this:

She goes out and drinks just about every night.  Last night, she went out and got drunk.  Apparently she was attempting to text and drive at the same time and hit a fire hydrant head-on.  Her airbag deployed, but she was able to make it home just as the van started overheating.

This will change a couple of things for me: My parents will be diverting the money they were going to use to help me fix my car (we had agreed to split the cost of the repairs) to fixing my sister's van, as she needs it to be able to get her children to and from visitations.  If I'm not getting any financial assistance from my parents, I will be paying the full cost of the repairs to my car - which I'm fully prepared to do - but I won't be able to have it fixed until my end of December paycheck.  What this ultimately means is that it will be at least a month longer before I can move out.  I'm projecting March at the earliest.

The way my little sister puts it, I keep getting shit on by my older sister's actions.  I don't - by any means - expect my parents to help me out financially, at all, at this point.  I'd rather they didn't.  But they want me to be able to move out almost as much as I want to move out, and because of my sister's carelessness, I can't do it right away.  Three months feels like a really LONG time.  And my older sister keeps facing no consequences to her actions.  What consequences will she face from her hitting the fire hydrant?  None.  She was miraculously honest with my parents about it (although I'm sure there are details I'll hear later), and they'll pay to have her van fixed only because they love her kids, and I'll be the one to lose out because of it.  Of course, she'll have no car for awhile and that will be very hard for her, but she'll have access to a vehicle if she really needs it.

Curiosity got the better of me today.  I realized that I was still friends with Former Bestie's little brother on facebook, and he popped up on my news feed with a comment from her on it.  I clicked on her page to see if I would be able to see any information since I'm not friends with her on there anymore, and I found a status post from November 28th that said, "Oh I love the holidays...plus I just got rid of 150(ish) pounds of negativity."

I'm both furious about and extremely hurt by this.  While I have written in depth about my friendship and the subsequent end of said friendship with my best friend of the last 9 years on this blog, but I have not written anything about it on my facebook page.  There are far fewer people who read this blog than who see her status posts on facebook, and I find it extremely immature and cruel to put something like that up for the whole world to see.  I've asked her before not to post things about our friendship or arguments on facebook because I don't find that to be either constructive or kind.  On top of that, her mother "liked" this status post, and that's even more hurtful because this was a woman that both scolded me over the years but also provided for me at times.  I even called her "Mom" sometimes. 

I get that they're upset because I've expressed my opinions about Former Bestie's choices on my blog, and I respect their right to be upset, but I find that they've taken it further than it needed to go.  Aside from Former Bestie and her mom, no one in their circle of "important" people are going to read anything I write, so does my opinion really need to be used to fuel some kind of insulting war of words?  On facebook?

I freely admit that I have low self-esteem, and that I am sensitive about my weight.  I'm the first person to admit when I'm feeling jealousy or envy or irrational, so when someone throws an insult my way, it's sort of ridiculous because I've already made the remarks that I feel as though I am lacking in some sense or another.  I do, however, resent their opinion that I am "negative."  Have I not expressed feelings of hope and confidence that I will eventually be able to be confident enough in myself to have healthy relationships?  Just because I am realistic, that automatically means that I'm negative?  Because I didn't jump up and down upon learning that my best friend had willfully chosen her relationship with the latest guy over me?  Because I'm not optimistic that this next marriage will work for her?  All of these things make me a negative person?

I'm calling bullshit on Former Bestie.  I thought she was a bigger and a better person than this, but I guess I was wrong.  

On a lighter note, I caught the whole Walking Dead marathon on AMC today.  I liked it.  I happened to watch an episode of it earlier in the week and I was intrigued enough to try to find a way to watch all the other episodes, and fantastically, for the season finale, they played a marathon of all the episodes today!

I certainly believe in karma, as well as past lives, and sometimes I wonder what I did in a past life to warrant these struggles.  I'm going to watch the Walking Dead season finale now, take a shower, and attempt to just let it go.  All of it.  I may need the assistance of some alcoholic beverages, but I'll get there.

*http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml#MajorDepressive

The Perpetual Struggle

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) can provide rapid, significant improvements in severe symptoms of a number of mental health conditions. It may be an effective treatment in someone who is suicidal, for instance, or end an episode of severe mania. ECT is used to treat:

• Severe depression, particularly when accompanied by detachment from reality (psychosis), a desire to commit suicide or refusal to eat.
• Treatment-resistant depression, long-term depression that doesn't improve with medications or other treatments.
• Schizophrenia, particularly when accompanied by psychosis, a desire to commit suicide or hurt someone else, or refusal to eat.
• Severe mania, a state of intense euphoria, agitation or hyperactivity that occurs as part of bipolar disorder. Other signs of mania include impaired decision making, impulsive or risky behavior, substance abuse and psychosis.
• Catatonia, characterized by lack of movement, fast or strange movements, lack of speech, and other symptoms. It's associated with schizophrenia and some other psychiatric disorders. In some cases, catatonia is caused by a medical illness.

Electroconvulsive therapy is sometimes used as a last-resort treatment for:

• Treatment-resistant obsessive compulsive disorder, severe obsessive compulsive disorder that doesn't improve with medications or other treatments
• Parkinson's disease, epilepsy, and certain other conditions that cause movement problems or seizures
• Tourette syndrome that doesn't improve with medications or other treatments

I hate being lonely.  For the most part, I'm fine with being alone and doing things by myself.  Often, I prefer it that way.  But I've had this gnawing feeling of loneliness for at least the past week now, and I'm sick of it.  I think it has to do with my desire to get better, to feel better about myself, and to continue to build my self-esteem.  I'm not an overly social person - I'm an introverted extrovert, if there is such a thing.  I really don't mind being social and I have no problem making conversation with people I don't know, but given the choice to go to a party where there's a bunch of people I don't know and like two people I do know, and staying home, I'll choose staying home like 99% of the time.  I like to go out with groups of people that I do know, and if the balance is more towards people I know or have met at least once, and less random strangers, I'll even go.

I guess my confusion is that I'm almost always thinking about other people.  I think about my friends, and I wonder what they're up to, or who else they might be hanging out with.  The problem is that I think that the number of my friends is slowly decreasing but I don't know why.  I'm the kind of person that likes people to know that I'm thinking of them.  I like to send texts just saying hello, I like to mail cards saying thanks for being my friend, I like people to know that they're important to me.  I think I want them to know their importance in my life because I so deeply long to know my own importance in other people's lives.  Without a best friend, I'm finding myself feeling very lost.  Even though I often felt less than important to Former Bestie, I at least knew that I was a little bit important to her.  I got random cards and little gifts in the mail from her, and I'd occasionally have missed phone calls and she and I would be constantly messaging on facebook and writing things on each other's walls, but now I am missing all of that.  I've heard it two different ways on TV or in movies - that there are so many different ways for guys to not call you or that there are so many different ways to be rejected in this day and age.  But it's not just the loss of my best friend that is painful, it's that I've written about losing my best friend AD NAUSEUM and I've made everyone who I'd at least like to think cares about me aware of my loss, and I'm not getting any kind of sympathy.  If my best friend had died, I'd be getting phone calls and text messages and emails and all kinds of people expressing that they're sorry for my loss.  Is it different because I've made the choice to no longer be friends with her? 

Whenever I've been broken up with, I feel intense loss.  Loss of companionship, loss of friendship and support, and loss of acknowledgment.  Loss of acknowledgment is tricky - it's that the person is making a conscious choice not to be with you anymore, and in my opinion, that's worse than someone dying because at least when someone dies, you know that they didn't have a choice in the matter.  When someone chooses to eliminate you from their life, it's much more hurtful.

I'm lonely.  I feel as though no one cares about me, and that's hard to think about especially after making the decision not to keep Former Bestie in my life.  I don't get invited to go out, I don't get random "Hey, how are you?" text messages or phone calls from anyone.  I wonder if it's my fault, if I've done something wrong to warrant this seemingly complete lack of communication from anyone.  Of course, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but not much.

Part of having depression is this constant feeling of worthlessness.  I've been feeling a lot less worthless for awhile now, but coming to the realization that I have so few people in my life that care about me brings back the feeling that I've been fighting with for so long.  I don't know why I often feel so profoundly alone, but it's becoming bothersome.  I'm probably not giving myself the opportunities that I should be giving myself to go out and do things and meet people, but when I'm feeling like this, I just want people to gravitate towards me and make me feel some worth without having to ask for it.  And I don't know how to make that happen.

I also know that very few people read this blog.  It's not something I've not anticipated,  but I had hoped at this point that more people would be interested in reading about the ups and downs of both living with a major and chronic mental illness, but also about what it's like to live with others who also suffer from major and chronic mental illness.  I know that many of my friends were reading the blog just to stay caught up with the ridiculous drama that seems to follow me, but I also know that people who care should also stay caught up when there is no drama.

I don't think that many people understand what a big deal it is for me to have stuck with this project for this long already.  Depression renders even the most stoic people useless, and I've definitely had my share of days when I've felt pretty useless since I started the project, but I've stuck with it, and I'm officially one sixth of the way done.  I know a lot of people will be making New Years resolutions to try and keep themselves more accountable for their actions, but I also know that without much of an effort, many will give up pretty quickly.  And I'm talking about normal people who do not have depression or a batshit crazy family to fuck their lives up.  So for me to have continued to do this for 60-something days at this point is nothing short of fantastic.  I guess if I have nothing else, I can be very proud of myself for that.

*"Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT): Why It's Done - MayoClinic.com." Mayo Clinic Medical Information and Tools for Healthy Living - MayoClinic.com. Web. 04 Dec. 2010. <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/electroconvulsive-therapy/MY00129/DSECTION=why-its-done>.

Some Nothing

Signs and symptoms of dissociative identity disorder include:

• lapses in memory (dissociation), particularly of significant life events, like birthdays, weddings, or birth of a child
• experiencing blackouts in time, resulting in finding oneself in places but not recalling how one traveled there
• being frequently accused of lying when they do not believe they are lying (for example, being told of things they did but do not recall)
• finding items in one's possession but not recalling how those things were acquired
• encountering people with whom one is unfamiliar but who seem to know them sometimes as someone else
• being called names that are completely unlike their own name or nickname
• finding items they have clearly written but are in handwriting other than their own
• hearing voices inside their head that are not their own
• not recognizing themselves in the mirror
• feeling unreal (derealization)
• feeling like they are watching themselves move through life rather than living their own life
• feeling like more than one person.

I don't have anything to write about today.  It was my day off so I just took it easy.  Didn't really do much thinking, but did sleep quite a bit.  I feel lonely.  I haven't received any text messages from anyone who is not in my family in days.  I don't know why, but it makes me wonder if I've done something wrong.

*"Dissociative Identity Disorder Symptoms, Causes, Treatment - What Causes Dissociative Identity Disorder on MedicineNet." Web. 03 Dec. 2010. <http://www.medicinenet.com/dissociative_identity_disorder/page2.htm#causes>.

Put this in Your Pipe and Smoke it - an Editorial

Living with borderline personality disorder can be difficult. You may realize your behaviors and thoughts are self-destructive or damaging yet feel unable to control them. Treatment can help you learn skills to manage and cope with your condition.
Other things to do to help manage the condition and feel better about yourself include:

• Sticking to your treatment plan
• Attending all therapy sessions
• Practicing healthy ways to ease painful emotions, rather than inflicting self-injury
• Not blaming yourself for having the disorder but recognizing your responsibility to get it treated
• Learning what things may trigger angry outbursts or impulsive behavior
• Not being embarrassed by the condition
• Getting treatment for related problems, such as substance abuse
• Educating yourself about the disorder so that you understand its causes and treatments
• Reaching out to others with the disorder to share insights and experiences

In light of some admonishing comments I've received about a recent post, I'd like to editorialize a bit.  With regards to my posts - Incomprehensible and It's Not Alone, it's Independent - and my opinions about Former Bestie's recent engagement, I defend my rights to my opinion, as well as Former Bestie's rights and her family's rights to their opinions.  Former Bestie is allowed to make whatever choices she pleases, even if her choices don't please me, which in this instance, they don't.  I don't blog to be agreed with, I don't blog to make anyone else happy - I do it to work through the thoughts that saturate my brain to the point of diagnosed mental illness.

I have a friend with whom I share some of my most intimate secrets.  She's a new friend, but as stolid and useful as a friend could ever be.  I respect her immensely.  I've shared with her my thoughts and feelings about Former Bestie's new situation, and I asked her these questions: Am I overreacting?  Am I being unreasonable? To which she responded:

"I think I want to start by asking what you want from your friendships.  I know that this is approaching things from the back end, so to speak, but bear with me here.  I'm guessing - and don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong - that you want love, companionship, support, understanding, people with whom to share common interests (things like soccer, music, etc.).  These seem to me to be the bases of most friendships.  

Then there are other things that I think not all people are brave or strong enough to want in a friendship - things like honesty and accountability.  Do you want your friends to be completely honest with you?  Do you want a bestie to tell you if you think you're making the worst decision of your life?  What if the tables were turned and you were madly in love with someone with of whom your bestie wildly disapproved?  When you were in the thick of things with Aaron, would you have been able to hear it if your friends had had reservations about the relationship?  (And maybe you would have - I don't know.)

I think honesty and accountability are closely related in friendships.  Do you want your friends to hold you accountable for the things you've said you're going to do but aren't really delivering on?  If one of your friends has an ethical problem with something that you're doing or saying, do you want him/her to tell you about it?  Really, really - even though this will almost certainly make for a very uncomfortable conversation?

The reason that I ask these questions is twofold.  The first is simple:  If you want these things in a friendship, congratulations.  You will have the possibility of deep and meaningful friendships based on authentic interactions.  But you need to make sure that the friends you choose want these same things in return from you.  (WARNING:  Radical honesty ahead.  Read on at your own risk.)  It's clear to me that Former Bestie has chosen her path without input from you.  It's clear that you're very frustrated, very angry, and very hurt by Former Bestie's behavior in this situation.  I could be wrong here, but it seems like the depth of your emotion is based on the bond that you and Former Bestie shared for many years.  I'm truly sorry that you're so hurt by this.  Please bear with me; I'll come back to this later.

The second reason that I ask the questions about what you want in a friendship, particularly the questions about honesty and accountability, is the following:  If you provide the sort of honesty and accountability that I mentioned, you need to be prepared for the consequences.  (I think this is sort of the essence of adulthood.  You can do pretty much anything you want.  It's just that for any choice you make, there are consequences.)

Anyway, I know that I'm taking a long, verbose route to answering your initial questions about whether you're overreacting and being immature.  My goal here is to give you a different and potentially more adaptive way to look at things like this, because you are obviously SO upset by this situation.   

So... are you familiar with the Buddhist concept of detachment?  It's a philosophy which (and I'm paraphrasing here) essentially states that you'll experience greater personal peace and improved relationships if you recognize and accept that you can't control the behavior of others.  It involves letting go of your inappropriate investment in outcomes which you have no ability to control.    The mantra of detachment is "Let it go."  It's simple, but it's not easy.  It takes time and practice.

Because you are smart and capable, I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.  Former Bestie is an adult.  She gets to do what she wants, even if you think what she's doing is a spectacularly bad idea.  You have no control over her behavior.  The reality of the situation is that you never did, despite your years of close friendship.  Let it go.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.  I'm sorry that you're so upset about this.  It also sounds to me like your feelings about Former Bestie are still fairly conflicted - you had decided that you're done with her, but you desperately wish that she'd listen to you and reconsider her engagement to New Fiancé, and you wish that she'd called you rather than texted you.  For what it's worth (unsolicited opinion here), I don't think it's at all surprising that Former Bestie texted you with the news of her engagement rather than calling you.  It sounds like you had made your opinion on the timing of a future marriage quite clear, and she knew that you would disapprove.  If I had news that I knew would meet with someone's disapproval, I'd be far more likely to text it than phone it in.

More unsolicited advice here:  If I were you, I'd take some time to cool off and think about things, and then I'd try to decide what I wanted my relationship with Former Bestie to be.  Do you want to try to reconcile with her?  Do you want to break off contact, at least temporarily, since it seems to be painful for you?  Do you want to try to split the difference and have some sort of new and different kind of friendship?

And then there are your feelings of jealousy.  I could be wrong, but it seems to me that at least some of the pain you're feeling here is related to feeling like you've been replaced in Former Bestie's life by New Fiancé.  I will give you another piece of unsolicited advice (or at least an observation):  My very best friends - the ones who would do anything for me at 3 AM, the ones who know everything about me and love me anyway, the ones who I've known for 25 years of ups & downs - make time for me despite the presence of significant others in their lives.  They do not ditch me when a new spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/child/job comes along.  They may have less time for me when newborn #3 comes home from the hospital or when they start managing a team of 700 in India, but they make time for me.  You deserve similar treatment from your friends.

And then there are your feelings of envy.  I understand that you want to get married.  Having the loving companionship of a romantic partner is one of the great joys of life.  I get it.  AND you need to be happy and at peace with yourself first if the relationship has any chance of working.  I was really, really happy to read in one of your blog posts that you and your therapist had recognized that you were beginning to give yourself positive reinforcement, when in the past you had looked exclusively to others for it.  That's huge, Beth.  One of the things that I tell people is that you really need to be a thoroughly self-sufficient human being before you can expect to have a healthy romantic relationship.

Another dose of perspective:  You say that you fear that you'll never have in your life what Former Bestie seems to be finding over and over in hers.  Let's think clearly about this.  Yes, Former Bestie has been engaged twice - to men you think are bad matches for her.  So it seems likely that the end result is that by, say, age 28, Former Bestie will have two divorces under her belt.  Is that really what you want?"

Oh she gets it so right, all the time.  And so, the long response:

I want - and expect - from my friends exactly those things - love, support, companionship, and understanding.  From Former Bestie, I got those things, at least when she wasn't attached romantically to anyone.  I have discovered as I get older that I desire honesty and accountability from my friends as well.  Honesty especially - and dishonesty and deceit have caused me to sever friendships without a second thought.  I think that in all my 26 years, the only friend I've had that's been consistently honest with me is Jen, and she's usually pretty blunt as well.  She and I have had and still have our disagreements, but she knows and I know that more often than not, she's right, and so I highly value her opinion, even if it is not in agreement with mine.  When I went over and over and over back to Aaron, Jen was highly disapproving and not afraid to say so.  I told her probably at least twice that while I respected her opinion and thanked her for her honesty, I probably would not take her advice.  Former Bestie also was highly disapproving of Aaron and vocal about it, and I told her the same thing.  It took me a very long time to see that they were right and that I needed to listen to them, and I'll be damned if it wasn't one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but they were right - separating myself cleanly from Aaron was what was best for me.  Even with the recent contact I've had with him I've felt a hint of the same excitement and love that draws me to him, but because I know that Jen and Former Bestie know me better than perhaps I know myself, I have prevented myself from communicating with him further.

I think I am very able to accept criticism, constructive or otherwise.  As I'm terribly self-critical already, I tend to agree with just about anything anyone else is saying without stopping to give it much thought.  I definitely feel very passionately about some things, and I will take to confrontation to defend myself, but I'm more than willing to recognize the possibility that I need to change something.  I don't often get defensive about my thoughts or actions if I'm made aware that I'm being disagreed with, although I am capable of it.

I guess that is where Former Bestie and I diverge.  I'd much prefer to have a criticism brought to my attention, especially if someone I'm close with disagrees with a decision I'm making.  For example, I am loathe to have to continue living in my present situation - at my parents' house - and since obtaining a job with which I can support myself I have been actively looking for new places to live.  I mostly have my mind made up about getting the hell out of the house as soon as humanly possible.  I have been in contact with a potential roommate, and I am excited about that, so I told my parents and my older sister.  Their reactions were all the same - they think I should not move out yet.  As we had the kids yesterday, I have not had a chance to have an in-depth conversation with them about this, but knowing that they're opposed to it definitely already making me think twice about it.  I know that some of their reservations are based on my past moving-out experiences, and I know that some of their reservations are financially-based.  I understand and am willing to accept that they think I might be making a rash choice, and so I will give the whole thing more thought.  I probably won't move out in January as I had hoped, but perhaps my waiting will make the whole thing easier in the long run - who knows?

When it comes down to it, I'd rather sit through the uncomfortable conversation than find out afterward that I made a decision that had little support, especially from people I care about.

I have no idea what I want at this point with regards to Former Bestie.  I don't think I want to reconcile with her, because I think that would require me to make peace with her decision to marry New Fiancé, and I'm just not going to do that.  I think the outcome I'd like to see is for them to break up so that she can take a look at how stupid she's being from a different perspective.  And then she should come to me with an apology for not listening and a vow that from that point forward she will take into account my opinions and my advice when making life-changing decisions.  I don't see this happening, but I can hope.  I am not a big enough person to be able to "split the difference" and start over.  There is just too much history there - for both of us - of not listening to each other and making dumb choices.  

I absolutely feel like New Fiancé has replaced me in Former Bestie's life, but this is also not a new occurrence with regards to her romantic attachments.  It has ALWAYS bothered me that when Former Bestie would find a new guy to spend her time and energy on, that our closeness seemed to dissipate, only to be reappear when she eventually (and always) became annoyed by the guy.  I will however concede that a close long-distance friendship is already hard to maintain and that I always allowed some leeway when it came to our closeness because neither of us were actively involved in the other's life, being located physically over 1,000 miles apart.  

But apparently I have some very deep-seated abandonment issues (the source of which is undergoing investigation), although they're not without their own merit - I seem to be the kind of person that others are fine with forgetting about when someone "better" comes along.  This is not the first friendship that has ended this way, either.  After Former Bestie moved away Junior year of high school, I had to find new attachments, and I found a great one right at the beginning of Senior year - and she and I clicked right away and became very close.  We spent endless hours together, and even went up to Colorado State University together.  It was while we were up there that she became romantically involved with someone who was a mutual friend of ours, and after that I stopped getting invited to spend time with the group I had been a part of.  In fourth grade I had a mini-panic attack after my best friend's birthday party at which she spent all the time with the boy I had a crush on.  As her best friend, I got to be the one to spend the night at her house after the party, and she'd had so much fun with this boy that they'd made plans to go to the pool again the next day, and I knew I would be going along as the third-wheel.

I invest a lot in my close friends, and I want the same investment in return, which is probably why I get so hurt when I discover that I was merely a place-holder until something better came along - which is exactly how I feel and have felt with Former Bestie.  In the past, I've forgiven her transgressions and been supportive and compassionate when she'd break up with whatever guy it was at the time, and bask in the glow of her attention once again.  I just simply do not believe I can do that this time around.  I have to have enough love and respect for myself to be upset that she's hurt me so much.  One night when I was visiting Hawaii last year, I got into a physical altercation with Aaron, and I was freaking out.  Obviously it was even worse when I tried calling everyone I could think of only to remember that it was 4 hours later in the contiguous US (so like 3am in Washington, and 4am in Colorado) and everyone was asleep.  Former Bestie's phone was on silent.  In my opinion, I should have been able to get a hold of my best friend so that she could properly advise me in the steps I should take from that point.  I was able to get a hold of Kara instead but she wasn't nearly as familiar with my situation with Aaron as Former Bestie was.

As for my envy and jealousy (and yes, they are two different things) - I have succeeded in obstructing any real possibility I've had for any kind of relationship since Brian, really, although it's been since the most recent dissolution of any "relationship" I had with Aaron, that I've realized that I'm nowhere near capable of maintaining any semblance of a healthy relationship with a man until I can get my shit together.  My shit is still not together, and I know it, so as much as I long for companionship and love, I know that I'm not ready for it yet.  

I'm not sure which is more frustrating or which I would prefer - having no serious relationship in the last two years at least, nor really dating enough to have the hope of a serious relationship, or hopping from guy to guy to guy looking for whatever it is I really want, regardless of the consequences of never being alone.  Am I doing it more consciously than Former Bestie by attempting to figure out myself and my mental well-being and preventing myself from getting into any new relationships?  Or is she being less serious about the whole thing by having fun with a bunch of different guys?  I do know, from my unique perspective as her Former Bestie, and by way of being my sister's sister, that divorce SUCKS.  Some people can pull it off without totally ruining their own or their children's lives, but it's expensive and heartbreaking and I don't think I could handle it.  At this point, I'm not even sure that I would get married, given the choice.  A domestic partnership or common-law marriage sounds pretty good to me. 

I want very much to let it go.  I want very much to let it all go.  I think that might be a reasonable goal to work towards; being able to walk away from relationships without being completely heartbroken.  I'm not saying I want to be a robot, but if I can feel as much love for myself in the end as I've felt for my friends (Former Bestie being #1, there) and former boyfriends, I think I've got a shot at maintaining healthy and happy relationships with anyone who happens to come into my life.

*"Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping and Support - MayoClinic.com." Mayo Clinic Medical Information and Tools for Healthy Living - MayoClinic.com. Web. 02 Dec. 2010. <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/DS00442/DSECTION=coping-and-support>.

Decisions, Decisions

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.*

Tonight I'm feeling a bit blue.  I am pretty sure that I know why - the gravity of my situation with Former Bestie is starting to sink in.  It just plain sucks.  I wish I were one of those people who were capable of just walking away from people who are important in their lives.  I'll never be able to do that.  That's why I have so much trouble in relationships.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day today.  I played with the kiddos and helped out around the house a bit and napped a bit.  I had little H come in and sleep in my bed with me last night and the only way I can describe that is BLISS.  He's still pretty little, and he's pretty much a Mexican jumping bean in his sleep, but it was absolutely wonderful having him in my bed with me.  I felt so loved!  He of course got up at 6am and said "I'm gonna go sleep in my own bed now."  But he did not, he got up, as did just about everyone else at that point.  

Having them here, and I was really surprised to find out that they were coming over last night and staying two nights, really makes me think really thoroughly about having kids of my own.  I'm nowhere near ready.  I really enjoy my alone time, and when you have kids, that's the first thing that goes out the window.  I also really love to sleep, and that's the next thing to go.  I know that when I have my own kid(s), I'll be more than happy to give up my alone time and my sleep, and I'm mostly fine with doing it for my nephews and niece, but I'm just not all the way there yet.  I've already made the decision that I won't even consider having my own kids until I'm making at least $60,000 a year because I can't imagine having to struggle to support them and myself even semi-comfortably on anything less. 

But OH do I love those kids to death.  The things that they say, how active their imaginations are, are always surprising.  Z calls McDonald's "Bicdonalds."  H says, "Can my have..." instead of "Can I have..."  Instead of a guitar, they call it a "bitar," and tonight we were playing Candy Land and Z called the little kids on the board "Handsome and Gretel."  My little niece is finally starting to relax around us, and she's much more smiley and happy.  She even ventured to touch Phoenix today.

So I guess I'm okay with using them as my surrogate kids for the time-being, as long as they don't mind being my surrogate kids, and I don't think they do.  I took them to Target today to get some dog treats and I let them pick out king-sized candy bars for after dinner.  Spoiling them is glorious.

I may have found a new place to live.  I sent out a bunch of emails a couple weeks ago inquiring about rooms in apartments and houses in Boulder, and I received a response from my first choice place yesterday.  I've been talking with one of the two girls who lives there about the details of the situation and it sounds like something that would be a good fit for Phoenix and I.  It's slightly more than I was hoping to pay, but it's a house with a backyard and another dog, so it might be worth it.  We'll see.  My parents are mostly opposed to my moving out so quickly, and I have to admit that I'm very, very nervous about it.  I should probably try to wait until like February or March to move so that I have some money saved up, but I am not sure that I can retain my sanity for that much longer in this situation.  As much as I love those kids, they suck so much energy out of me, and it's really hard on my parents to have them here along with my sister and me.  I don't think it would much change my parents' financial situation if I left sooner than later, but I'd like to be able to help them out if I can.  Having my bedroom vacated would probably help the space situation here as well.  So I really don't know what to do.  I have some time to think about it as well.

Tomorrow I think I will be meeting with another potential new employer tomorrow to discuss the possibility of my working for him a couple of days a week.  Honestly, I'm kind of dreading it because I want to be able to get used to my work schedule and take advantage of having 4 days a week off, and I'm not ready to be working 5 days a week yet.  I don't want to be incapable of fulfilling an obligation because that just leads to feelings of inadequacy and unreliability and I need to feel adequate and reliable as much as I possibly can.

Anyway, I need to get into bed.  I've got a long day to get through tomorrow, but it is my Friday, which I'm thankful for.  We also won't have the kids again for about a week and a half, unless my sister works something different out with her ex-husband with whom she is meeting with privately right now.  Tomorrow's post is already partly done, which is the first time I'll have been working on a post ahead of time, but it's a really long one and it goes into deep detail about how I am reacting to not having any contact at all whatsoever with Former Bestie anymore.

*"Narcissistic Personality Disorder - MayoClinic.com." Mayo Clinic Medical Information and Tools for Healthy Living - MayoClinic.com. Web. 02 Dec. 2010. <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652>.