Indescribable

Holy God.  Today has been one of the worst days ever.  I wrote yesterday's post at work and posted it, and if I could have written another post last night, I would have.  I was so exhausted by the time I got into bed at 11 last night.

So I thought Nick was coming over to work on my cable yesterday, after work.  He called me to ask if he could reschedule and I said that was fine because I was planning to just go hang out at my parents house after work anyway.  But I was about five minutes from home when I got a text from Meredi saying that Phoenix had several accidents all over the house - on all three floors, as she put it - and that she was just going to put him outside because it was too much for her.  I got home, and there was diarrhea everywhere.  In my room, in the entry room, in the living room, and in the basement.  He had dripped both shit and blood all over the place.  So I set right to cleaning it up, and I effectively used up over a full roll of paper towels and two half spray bottles of carpet cleaner solution over the course of three hours.  I stopped in the middle to take Phoenix to my parents house to hang out while I went out to buy more carpet cleaner to replace what I had used.  We came home and I continued cleaning.  I felt like I was up to my elbows in shit and blood.  I finally got done around 9pm, showered, and then messed around for the next hour, and got in bed and watched 30 Rock for an hour to unwind a little.

I decided last night to get up early this morning so that I could call the vet's office right when they opened at 7am to get Phoenix in there ASAP.  I got him an 8am appointment and got ready for work so that I could take Phoenix and then drop him off at my parents house and go straight to work.

The vet didn't seem as concerned as I was, but he sees stuff like this all the time and he wasn't the one who had to clean the blood and diarrhea off the floor yesterday.  He took a fecal sample from Phoenix by force and said that there was almost more blood than poo in there.  He said that he doesn't know the underlying cause for the bleeding in there, but it is probably a combination of several factors.  One being that Phoenix is stressed out from the move and really anxious to begin with.  Two is that he's already got digestive trouble that causes him to go poop even when his body isn't ready to expel it and it comes out in near-liquid form.  Three is that there may be something else that needs to be considered but we need to rule out other things first.  So he gave us some antibiotics to clear up whatever might be causing the digestive upset in the first place.  He gave us probiotics to help his colon get back to the normal balance of good bacteria so that he will have more bowel regularity.  I'm supposed to give him canned pumpkin in his canned dog food every day for awhile for fiber, and I had to buy some Immodium AD to help stop the explosive diarrhea.  The poor guy must be hurting something fierce!  I know how much I hate having a tummyache and how much it sucks when my digestion isn't working properly.   I just want to hug him and snuggle him and not let him go until he's feeling better.

So I dropped him off with my dad and went to show apartments.  Which ended up being a complete waste of time because no one showed up.  I understand that there are days when that is the case, but I could have used the distraction because all I could think about was Phoenix and I really got the worry going and I can be a world-class worrier when have time to think.  When I got off work, the plan was to take P home and take a good long nap while we waited for Nick to show up to work on the cable.  Well we got home and shortly thereafter Nick called and said he was on his way, so we didn't get the chance to lie down.

Nick worked for almost two hours on my cable, and ended up replacing the digital box which temporarily solved the problem.  He found the wiring in my wall to be bad and told me it would probably have to be replaced, but he wanted to try a new box just to see if that helped.  So he threw a new box in there and it worked!  For about an hour.  I found that there wasn't anything on TV I wanted to watch, so I turned my 30 Rock DVD back on, and when I switched back to the cable again, it wasn't working.  Which means the house needs to be re-wired.  In order for them to re-wire the house, I have to get permission from the homeowner, which is something that will not be relatively hard, it's just a HUGE pain in the ass to have to do it this way.  God forbid it should be something easy, right?

I can live without cable.  I've been doing it for weeks now.  However, being able to zone out and lose myself in some inane TV show about ghostly occurrences in New England is a really useful coping mechanism and I was willing to pay the $40 a month for that safety and comfort, but if it's going to be this much of an ass-ache, it may not be entirely worth it.

Seeing Nick was kind of hard.  The last time I saw him, he hadn't made his new relationship "official" yet.  Seeing him just reminded me of the trouble I'm having in the dating realm and of why I am probably still single, and it comes down to this: I work a lot.  Because I work a lot, in my off time I want to relax, and for me, relaxing means watching TV or a movie and probably falling asleep.  I'm not someone to really go out and try a bunch of new things, and I especially don't want to be away from Phoenix while he's sick this way, and so I am homebound.  I don't mind being homebound, but it really does impede on my ability to go out and meet new people.  I actually mostly enjoy being homebound, which is why I was looking to the internet to meet guys, but I think I am probably not nearly exciting enough for anyone to really want to spend a substantial amount of time with me.

I hate when thoughts creep into my head about how others might see me as less-than-appealing, but since I am trying to change in order to make myself happy and to be an easier person to get along with, I try to look at my personality and my attitude objectively.  Looking at oneself objectively means having to accept or at least acknowledge the flaws one has and attempt to change them.  However, when I see my own flaws, I focus on them and I magnify them and it makes me terribly unhappy and no one wants to be around someone who is chronically unhappy.  So I feel as though I am stuck.

Anyway, while Nick was here, Phoenix had another "accident" on the carpet, so I got to spend another hour of my life cleaning that up.  And bloody diarrhea is really gross.  I can't get the smell out of my nose.  After I finished cleaning that up, I fed Phoenix his dinner and we got in bed.  We slept for a few hours, and I am still so freaking tired that all I can think about is going back to bed and staying there for at least 12 hours if not more.  Unfortunately, as I have to work in the morning, that is not an option.  So I need to go hop in the shower so I can be asleep before 10.

Something that all of this is beginning to make me think about is that maybe I am just not supposed to be living here.  I don't know where it is I might be supposed to be living, but with Phoenix being sick and not acclimating, and me not being able to get the cable hooked up in my room, I wonder if I should try to find other living accommodations.  I DO NOT want to move again, and  I don't want to subject Phoenix to that upheaval all over again.

GOD I HATE being such an insecure person, and I think that being aware of it makes it that much worse!  All I want is to be able to go about my life in a normal fashion without having these existential feelings that I pay such a huge amount of attention to.  I'd like to go to bed in a shitty mood one night and wake up in a great mood the next morning.  I want to have things happen the way they've happened in the last couple of days and be able to just brush it off, walk away and start anew.  I want to be one of those people who endures having to do things they don't want to so that I can come out of them stronger and more confident.

FML.  Going back to bed.  So over this day.

Under Redress

I've been feeling so great lately that any change in my mood is noticed immediately, and I have noticed a change and I'm perturbed.  I woke up this morning and blatantly did not want to get up and go to work.  Now, that's a totally reasonable way to feel.  I'm sure that at least 50% of working Americans wake up every morning and at least think to themselves, "Man, I really don't want to go to work today."  But they go anyway, as did I.  I'm working really hard to force myself to do the things I've obligated myself to do, like go to work, so that I can be considered a reliable person.  Also, I need the money, and taking a day off when I'm not sick or dying or on vacation is something I can't afford to do.  Anyway, this is the first morning since I've started this job that I have really, really not wanted to have to go to work.  For no apparent reason.  I did get up and get ready, anyway, but I am feeling pretty melancholy today.  It might be left over from spending all day writing a really deep email to Former Bestie, sort of apologizing and telling her how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking.  It might be that I've been feeling in the dumps about being relationship-less and seemingly unable to find or keep a guy in my life.

I'm a little bit worried, because now I'm living in a place where I can sort of hibernate and not be social, and when I'm feeling depressed I tend to retreat into my own space and my own thoughts and that is not at all conducive to climbing out of the depression hole, which is exactly what I need to force myself to do when I'm feeling depressed. 

Usually I can feel a bout of depression coming on, and I really hope that what I am feeling right now is not that.  It's a little different from what I usually feel when I feel a relapse coming, but I have been feeling really fantastic and doing really well and making a lot of progress, so it's entirely possible that a pre-relapse feeling now will be different from what I'm used to.  I have just really liked being able to function like a completely normal human being, by getting out of my bed and accomplishing things every single day, even when I don't have to accomplish anything at all.  I feel as though I am a part of the world and that my presence in it isn't completely wasted and that I have purpose.  While I have had many, many days where I have felt this way over the past 5 years, the feelings were fleeting.  I have been feeling good for at least a couple of months now, if not longer, and I want to keep feeling good!

I am not sure what to do here.  I never am, but because I don't know what I'm feeling actually means, I'm hesitant to actually do anything at all.  I plan to attempt to keep functioning as I have been, but that's just my plan.  There is a good possibility that I simply will not be capable of functioning normally once a relapse hits, but I really hope that that is not the case here. 

I sort of have the urge to just like go wild and crazy and go out every night drinking or something, just to sort of trick my psyche into thinking that everything is okay, or even better than okay.  I am really hoping that Nick is able to come over and fix my cable tonight because I need my coping skills right now.  I guess even if he's not able to come over, I can probably get SOMEONE from Comcast to fix it.  I just like Nick and I'd like to see him is all, plus I can ask him questions that I might not be comfortable asking just any tech who comes to fix it.

I'm trying to do things that make me happy today.  I was listening to the radio on the way to work and I heard a clip from last night's Conan which featured Carmelo Anthony, and it made me laugh.  I'm now watching said episode of Conan, but so far, it is not entertaining me as much as I hoped it would.  I do love Conan, though, and have publicly claimed that it has powers to cure depression.  Shortly I am going to go heat up some of my delectable artichoke dip, and then I am going to order Jimmy John's for lunch.  I have a bottle of champagne at home which I would love to drink the entire contents of, and would if I didn't have to show stupid properties tomorrow.  I may still since I don't have to get up too early and I don't have to dress up and be super "have-my-shit-together" looking.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I don't actually have my shit together.  Perhaps it was just a hallucination of some kind, and I really am stuck in a mental hell of hopelessness and purposelessness. 

Deep Thought About Shallow Things

Last night, after I wrote my daily post, I got into the shower.  While I was in there, I got thinking about Former Bestie.  Yet again.  I really miss her a lot.  I think I probably miss, more than anything, the idea of having someone I can call my "Best Friend."  But along with the label comes camaraderie, ostensibly a partner in crime with whom secrets and judgments are made and kept.

Before, I had that with Former Bestie.  We were in nearly constant contact, and it felt very strange when either of us was momentarily unreachable.  Then she met New Fiance and decided that being in constant contact with me wasn't as important anymore.  My feelings were fairly hurt by that, but at the same time I was jealous and feeling very possessive and protective of her, and between those feelings and my self-imagined inadequacies, the combination was just more than I could bear. 

Seeing my friend come into possession of a man in her life that she can trust and be taken care of has just set off every minute sensor in me that says that there's something wrong with me that I have not found that yet.  I try not to be so hard on myself because I'm not even really that close to 30 yet and it's totally okay for me to be single and still finding out who I am. 

I've been thinking for a long time about writing to Former Bestie and telling her that I want to try to be a better friend and that I want to try to be supportive and be there for her, but I'm being super cautious about it.  I don't know if I can handle being a part of her life again without it bringing forth all the issues that I have of my own, and it's not fair for me to project those issues onto her or to take out my frustrations with my issues on her. 

I don't really understand why I'm so possessive of her or of my friendship with her.  I don't feel that way about anyone else.  I have full confidence in my friendships with Tiffany and Kara and even though I knew them both before they married their husbands, I never felt jealous of the directions their lives took. 

The bottom line is that I just want to be around for all of it, the good and the bad, and I know that she probably wants to be around for all of my good and bad, too. 

If nothing else, this will be an exercise in my self-confidence and my patience and my ability to be a better person all around.  If it doesn't work, all I can hope for is that it doesn't do any detriment to the well-being I've established for myself in the last few months.

Refreshed?

Tonight is the first night in a loooong time, probably about a month, that I've sat down at the computer with the intention to write a blog post, without having anything else I have to do.  I mean, mostly when I sit down to write, it's like I've gotten up out of my bed because I've forgotten to write anything and then remembered while I was winding down to go to sleep.  I'm not there today.

I got up to be awake at 8am just in case the Comcast guy showed up at the beginning part of the 4 hour window I was given.  I then fell back asleep and woke up about 15 minutes before he did show up.  While he was working, I cleaned the house!  I vacuumed the stairs and my bedroom and the bathroom, all of which were in DIRE need of a good vacuum job, and I cleaned the bathroom.  I really like this bathroom because it's not tiny, and I have plenty of room for all of my things.  The only problem is that the shower head might be one of those low-volume ones, and it takes me like 5 full minutes to become fully wet, which in turn makes it take that much longer to wash all the shampoo and conditioner out of my hair and all the soap off my body.  I do not like this.  I bought a detachable shower head awhile back that I had been saving for when I did eventually move out because I have never moved into a new place that already had a detachable shower head.  I like having the option to just wash my hair some days and it's just plain easier to do that with a detachable shower head.  It's not for what those of you with gutter-minds are thinking of.  It appears that my roommates are both very eco-conscious ladies, which I find very cool (I love that we recycle!), but I worry that if I ask to replace the shower head, they'll say no.  I brought this up when I was at my parents house yesterday, and my sister suggested that I approach it from a dry-comedic standpoint and offer to pay an extra 5% of the water bill each month to make up for the difference.  Which I will be attempting to do!

Anyway, the cable did get hooked up, but it's not working great, it keeps blinking in and out.  I called Comcast to report the problem, and they reset my cable box, but that didn't work.  I asked to have someone come out and fix it tonight, but then I was watching a movie on HBO (which I get for free for three months) and it was uninterrupted and so I called and canceled the service call.  And then it started blinking again.  Such is my luck.  So I got in touch with my old friend, Nick (he doesn't read this anymore, I can use his real name now [it used to be "Dane/Kale"]), who works for Comcast, and he will probably be coming by sometime this week to fix it for me.  Which is awesome.

I had to go to my parents house today to be the "neutral party" for my sister's ex-husband to retrieve all the things that he requested in mediation.  I was not thrilled about having to do this, but I did it with a smile on my face, and I was overly pleasant to my ex-brother-in-law today, even joking around with him about how little Z had offered to help me move into my new house, but had decided he wanted it to be a secret from his dad, but then told him anyway.  After he left, he sent me a text message saying thank you for making it as easy as possible, and that he'd like to buy me a beer sometime.  I was FLOORED.  I just went into the whole thing thinking that I would be friendly as though nothing ever happened, because if I went into it with a chip on my shoulder, it would be that much more awkward altogether.  I didn't even think too much about my attitude towards him at the time.  It's just that he's used to my sister and her batshit crazy tantrums and her yelling and screaming at everyone.  I'll never forgive what he did and I pretty much hate his whole family, but there's no reason that I need to be a bitch.

I unpacked a couple more boxes and did a little grocery shopping today, too.  I'm feeling more and more settled and I like it.  I'm able to converse with Linda with a bit less awkwardness and Phoenix is getting used to Rainey a little more.  Rainey even pretty much lies down and flips onto her back to show her submissiveness to him, which I think is awesome.  He doesn't get it, but the more time they have to spend with each other, the easier it will get.  I can see that Rainey just wants attention and love, but Phoenix is NOT okay with sharing me, which I completely understand.

So, the last couple of days that I've spent more than an hour at my parents house, my mom has asked me if I've taken Phoenix on a walk or anything.  That drives me NUTS!!  That's one of the top five reasons I couldn't stand living there.  When she has days off of work, she takes him on walks to the park, but I haven't taken him on a walk in our new neighborhood yet.  I'm sort of dreading it, because Lafayette is really strict about leash-laws and I want Phoenix to be able to run around off-leash as much as he can.  I understand the need for leash-laws, especially since I am familiar with how Phoenix lunges at people who are running or bicycling by us when we're out, but since I'm new to the neighborhood, I don't want to push the boundaries yet.  I definitely want to get him a retractable leash, but I don't think they make 60' ones, and also they're like thirty bucks and I'm trying very hard to save money right now.  I will take him, but the weather has to be really super nice and it has to be the right time of day where we're not going to run into a whole shitload of people out walking their dogs.

Oh I don't want to work tomorrow.  I managed to make it 3 whole months without really hating work, but the week of working all five days and then having to go straight into showing properties on my days off has altered my attitude towards being there.  I like that I'm fitting into my job very well, and learning things about the job and about property management, plus I love being considered dependable and reliable.  I have been complaining to some of our tenants lately about how sick I am of being there, but I know that I need to keep my mouth shut before it gets back to my boss if it hasn't already.  Having the weekend always re-energizes me, and Monday I'm usually pretty fresh and not totally burned out on being there, but I'm not looking forward to working this week.  At least I had some time to relax this weekend.

Okay I need to go get into the shower (which I cleaned today).  I shower at night to save myself an extra twenty minutes in the morning.  And I love being able to go to bed early enough to get like 10 hours of sleep!

Satisfaction Guaranteed

I felt quite satisfied today.  After spending some quality time with my roommates last night, and then getting to sleep in this morning and get more organized and more unpacked, I feel peaceful.

I went with Jen to get manicures and pedicures today, and that was nice.  The last time I got a mani/pedi was the last time I visited Former Bestie in Washington.  I find it very difficult to spend money on such frivolous a thing as something I'm quite capable of doing myself, but I think it's something that needs to be done on occasion.

While feeling quite tranquil, I'm also feeling a combination of other feelings, the strongest of which is longing, which is something I've been feeling very regularly lately.  As I am fairly certain there is nothing I can do about this longing, I am content to sit with it and let it wash over me until it subsides on it's own.  Which I hope will happen sooner rather than later.

I think about Former Bestie daily, and many times daily.  I wish that things had not happened the way that they've happened, and I miss her more than I can bear sometimes.  I wish I could tell her about all the good fortune that's befallen me, and about being able to move out of my parents house and about how healthy and happy I feel.  I wish I could tell her these things and hear about all of the wonderful things that have happened in her life without feeling envious and jealous of all of it.

It all comes back to the longing I feel for companionship.  Both to have someone to share every single thought that passes through my mind, and to share every moment of waking life with, who wants to spend every waking moment of life with me.

I guess I just don't understand how some people can be blessed enough to find multiple loves throughout their lives, when I seem to have only had the one.

I had to switch my appointment to have the cable hooked up to tomorrow morning, between 8am and 12pm, so I have to get up early.  I have been chosen to be the "neutral party" to be present while my sister's ex-husband picks up the items that were decided that he should get in mediation, and that's at 3pm tomorrow.  I guess I just have to stand there and watch while he loads everything up and make sure that everything is okay, but I am not looking forward to it.  He and his family have a way of making me feel as though I were invisible and utterly unimportant, and it's unnerving.

I need to go to bed now, before my thoughts get too confusing and upsetting.

But I end with this:  I am happy today.

TGIF Volume II

I am pretty sure that I do not like being a showing agent for property management.  It's dirty, and uncomfortable, and you have to really pretend to like the places you're showing and there are several that I do not like.  For example, the studios that smell like cat urine.  Or the one bedroom where the guy smokes inside like a chimney.  Gross!

I will probably stick with it for awhile, because I know it will get easier once I get used to it, but I don't have to like it.

So, Phoenix was up at 4am.  I took him outside and let him wander around out there for awhile.  I don't know why his stress manifests in the middle of the night but I wish it wouldn't.  I know it's stress that's making him antsy and upsetting his stomach because there's nothing out of the ordinary that he has ingested.  Plus, yesterday all three dogs were in my room because I was the only one home and twice Nali snapped at him when he tried to get near me.  I think that really upset him.  I am very hopeful that over time they'll all get used to each other and start relaxing a bit.  Rainey is chilling out with him just a bit, and not being so bitchy with him, and he and Nali really like to play.  They're funny!  I tried to get out of showing properties today and called my boss to tell her that Phoenix was acting really weird and that I needed to take him to the vet, which was only half a lie, he was acting really weird but I wasn't going to take him to the vet.  She said that she had made an appointment and couldn't show the properties, so I called my mom and asked her to come and get him for while I was at work, and she did.  However, when I came home, the maintenance guy was here doing some work, and there were big brown splotches on the floor, and I just assumed they he'd done something.  Phoenix and I napped for awhile, and got up right before Linda came home, but when she came in she noticed a few more spots and it became obvious that the spots were definitely dog puke.  So I just spent the last hour cleaning them up.

And I just spent a lovely evening bonding with my roommates!  Details to follow tomorrow.  For now, bedtime.

Natural Obstacles

I think I have bonded with my boss.  This is a very good thing because it will make it that much harder for her to fire me if I should ever do something that makes her unhappy with my performance at work.  And if we have bonded, I think it will be that much harder for her to find something that I do unsatisfactory.  None of this is to say that I can do no wrong or that she will never fire me, but I am glad that she has a positive opinion of me, and I think that she considers me to be reliable and that is something I was striving for with this job.  I do feel better about being able to confide in her about the quirks of this job that annoy me on a day-to-day basis.

Also with regards to my job, I am rapidly losing my patience reserves for people who ask stupid questions or try to make me think that I'm wrong when I'm not.  I try VERY HARD to keep calm and remember that people cannot read my mind and aren't privy to the information I am privy to.  Every day, I do the best I can to be polite and kind to the people that come in and out of my building.  I am having a VERY DIFFICULT time remaining polite and kind today.  And if you'll recall from a blog I wrote on Tuesday, I also had difficulty keeping my cool then, as well.

I often find it very difficult to maintain a positive attitude, yet I find it even more difficult to let my attitude become altogether negative.  I never know what the next day may bring, and I often look forward to the surprise.  I have fleeting moments of uncertainty, but I allow them to come into me and leave me entirely naturally.  The move and the responsibility of my job showing apartments is stressing me out, but not so much that it's disturbing my mood much.

I can't seem to get enough sleep or enough rest.  I feel quite exhausted just about all the time.  I'm looking forward to this weekend and getting an opportunity to not really have any obligations.  I feel like it's been awhile since I haven't had one plan or another for things I have to do or people I have to see.  Jen and I have plans to get mani/pedis, but that's it.  And because I ran all my errands and paid all my bills yesterday, I freed up the weekend nicely for myself.  I hope to get some cleaning done and some relaxing done.  Cable is scheduled to be hooked up on Sunday afternoon.  Hopefully by Monday I'll feel re-energized enough to get through next week.  

In Transition

Whoa.  Today was long!  While I didn't have to go in to work and sit at the desk for nine and a half hours today, I did learn how to show the apartments my company has available for lease all over Downtown Boulder.  So that was cool.  I wouldn't pay like $900 a month for any of their studio apartments.  The houses they're in were built in 1905 so the architecture is really cool, but they're pretty crappy.

Then I got so much stuff done!  I got my key copied for my mom, while also getting a copy of my car key to keep at my new place.  I deposited my check and got my security deposit taken care of.  I finally found the special light bulb I needed for my fancy lamp.  I got two cases of canned dog food, picked up my prescription, got a box out of storage, and got the rest of my stuff out of Tiffany's house.  I also got a new prescription for my contacts and a new pair of glasses, and I paid off the rest of my doctor's bill at my doctor's office.  Phoenix got to hang out with my mom, as did I, and I got to watch the last episode of the IBM Jeopardy challenge.

Oh!  And yesterday, I paid my CU Continuing Education bill off, which was what kept a hold on my account and prevented my application for readmission from going through.  So now I officially owe NO MONEY to the University of Colorado at Boulder and I can officially go back to school!!

I'm starting to get worried that Phoenix is not going to ever get along with Rainey (Linda's dog) because he keeps snapping at her and is really protective of me.  Nali, Meredi's dog, on the other hand, he's fine with.  He even let her get up on my bed with him, but he won't even let Rainey in our room.  I think part of it is that Rainey can see that I'm a dog person and that I will pay attention to her, and so she seeks attention from me, but Phoenix is worried that she's going to steal me away or something.  I don't know how to get him to relax! What's funny, though, is that I can totally see what it means when people say that dogs resemble their owners.  I can see that Nali's personality is a lot like Meredi's and I would venture to guess that people can see that Phoenix is a lot like me.  I think it's safe to say that Rainey is a lot like Linda, and I think that Phoenix doesn't like Linda, either.  I'm working on it.  She's just not the friendliest person, that's all.  Meredi on the other hand is bubbly and friendly and sweet.

I reopened my eHarmony account and have been using the guided communication with a few guys.  The problem with the free communication offers is that they don't allow users to see pictures without paying for a subscription.  I am certainly considering paying for a subscription, I just want to make sure that I have plenty of money left over after I pay all my bills off.  I want to put some serious effort into using online dating but unfortunately, physical attraction is super important to me and there sure are a lot of uggos out there.  They might have a great personality but I absolutely have to be physically attracted to them from moment one.

My mood was good all day.  I tried really hard to just be in the moment and not stress over all the stuff I needed to get done.  That probably helped a lot.  Okay.  I'm exhausted.  It's bedtime.  Work all day tomorrow, but I don't think I have to worry about Phoenix because my mom is probably going to come and get him tomorrow morning.  Thank GOD.

Heart-crack

Valentine's Day has never meant much to me.  When I was little, my dad used to leave cards and candy on the kitchen table when he left for work so we'd see it when we got up in the morning.  I dated Brian over the course of three Valentine's Days and I can only remember details from one.  I met Aaron in December and had already had my heart broken by him twice by the following Valentine's Day.

I've just moved into my new house this year, and I spent my Valentine's Day working, then going grocery shopping and eating oven-cooked eggrolls with my dog watching Disturbia.  One of my roommates has a serious boyfriend who stays at the house with us most of the time - they went out to dinner, the other roommate went out with a girlfriend to console her over a breakup she experienced last year on V-Day.  Yesterday I wrote about a new guy I'd been talking to that I'd met on the Internet.  Today, I feel like crying.

It's not exactly rejection that I'm feeling, so much as a sense of disappointment and frustration.  Without even having physically met each other in person, he has decided that he will not be available enough to get to spend enough time getting to know me, and according to him, I'm too picky to be looking for something long-term.  I told him that I can't stand country music and I like guys that can grow a beard.  He said that those were interesting priorities for someone looking for a long term relationship.  I said that I know what I like, I know what I want, so if I'm going to look for someone to keep around for awhile, I should have what I want, right?  I'll never apologize for knowing what I want and seeking it.

I cringe at the idea of meeting people on the internet.  I think that it's tacky and there's a huge amount of stigma attached to it.  My older sister (yes, the crazy one) meets people all the time, all over the place.  She meets so many people, it's scary.  I think that might be the only quality of hers that I envy.  She's such an extrovert and she's able to strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere.  She makes fun of me to no end because I have so often met people on the Internet before meeting them in person.  When I met Dave (enough with the aliases for this guy, being the jackass he's turned out to be), I was excited because he was the first person I'd physically met in person that liked me in who knows how long.  I was excited to be actively pursued for the first time in 5 years by someone I hadn't met over the Internet.  And then it bombed.  So I resorted back to using the Internet, only to feel the same hopelessness and confusion I've felt before.

I don't want to marry someone I met over the Internet.  I want to do it the "old-fashioned" way where he strikes up a conversation with me at some random place and he pursues me.  I've never - not once - met someone that way.  I've met guys at parties, at clubs, at work, on blind dates set up by mutual friends, and over the Internet, but never while I'm out in the world just going about my life have I met someone who has then asked me out.  I've never met someone who asks for my phone number when I'm out shopping or running errands or anywhere by myself. 

There's a column that runs in the New York Times called Modern Love, and I really enjoy reading it.  It's written by random people, about all sorts of things that are modern and that have to do with love.  Affairs, dating, struggles with marriage, divorce, bed bugs, you name it.  They're having an essay contest for college students to write about their experiences with "modern love," with a prize of $1,000 and publication of the essay.  I'd LOVE to write about my plights with dating, but my stories have no subject aside from that my every molecule drips with longing to have a companion with whom I can spend the rest of my days.  The essay I read that won the contest two years ago said,

"So when my friends and I started having a conversation about the nature of monogamy, I thought I knew something about monogamy. Because, despite the fleeting nature of most of my encounters, and despite my own role in their short duration, I think what I have been seeking in some form from all of these men is permanence.

Sometimes I don’t like them, or am scared of them, and a lot of times I’m just bored by them. But my fear or dislike or boredom never seems to diminish my underlying desire for a guy to stay, or at least to say he is going to stay, for a very long time."

I think that's very well-put.  The guys I have attempted to date in the last year or so have all been wishy-washy about wanting to be in a relationship of any kind.  On the free dating site I've been using, there are several options for you to tell people why you're using the site, the choices of which are: hang out, long-term, dating, friends, or intimate encounter.  I've put that I'm looking for something long-term, and that I'm actively seeking a relationship.  I don't know how else to put it out there that I want something serious and I want it to last awhile.

I've recently decided that I'm not going to sleep with the next person I date unless I am sure that I love them.  I am sick and tired of sex putting unnecessary pressure on whatever connection I have with someone, and so I am going to take it out of the equation altogether.  I've done the dating without sex thing, I've done the sex without dating thing, but I really want the intimacy that having a serious relationship brings.  I'm by no means a slut, but I'm not completely old-fashioned in my dating ways that I would wait until marriage to sleep with someone.  I just don't want to go in that direction with someone I'm not going to keep around for awhile.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I know for a fact that marriage is not the be-all and end-all and is by no means any kind of solution to any problem.  I know that it creates more problems than it solves for certain.  I have enough problems of my own without throwing a relationship into it, and I think that if I were to get into a relationship that I was very happy with and have it end suddenly, I would probably be thrown headfirst into a tailspin of depression I would likely not emerge from for quite some time.  I am probably putting myself at great risk by even attempting to get into any kind of relationship until I can be sure that the end of said relationship would not reverse all the work I've done.

I don't often cry for myself, and I feel sorry for myself exponentially less now than I did just 5 short months ago, but I could really go for a good cry right now.  I'd like to not do it here at work if I can help it, and I feel sorry for Phoenix that he probably won't get any excitement out of me when I get home from work today, but I can just about guarantee that I will probably dissolve into a little Beth puddle when I get home.  After stopping for some pity-party refreshments for myself.

I wonder less and less what it is that is wrong with me that I can't attain or maintain a relationship with a man, and I think that's progress.  It's just that every time a possibility presents itself and then dissolves into nothingness, the question creeps back into my head and it sets me back a bit in what I consider to be recovery from 4+ years of unhealthy self-image.  I know that there are plenty of people out there with no self-esteem, major mental issues and past relationship baggage who are in long-term (if not successful) relationships (ahem, Former Bestie), but they'll never work on themselves.  Would I rather work on myself and my relationship with me than with another person?  Would I be more successful later on in a relationship with someone if I work out my own shit right now?  These are questions to which I don't know the answer, and I feel like I'm getting off track with what I was feeling and now it's gone.  So that's blog post #2 for the day, I guess.  There may still be a third.

Incompetence Ventilation

I'm WAY annoyed this morning.  By stupid people.  Asking stupid questions.  Or just having stupid things coming out of their mouths in general.  It started out this morning, when I came into work.  The lady who owns the custodial company we use was here, replacing light bulbs.  She asked me if I knew where her other stepladder was, which I didn't.  I didn't even know there was more than one stepladder in the building.  She said, "I think it's in the boiler room still from when that pipe burst a couple weeks ago.  Do you have a key to the boiler room?"   Because apparently the master key doesn't work on that door.  So I walked down the hallway to the door that had a sign on it that said "Boiler Room" and started trying keys on the knob.  She stops me and says, "No, it's the next door."  The next door has a sign on it that says "Air Conditioner Room."  Silly me, I thought she meant the boiler room when she said the words "boiler room."  And then she had the audacity to try to make me feel stupid because she gave me incorrect information.  I dread each morning seeing this lady walking around the building because she is just socially inept enough to not be able to make normal conversation without there being several awkward pauses in the conversation when she has nothing else to say to me and I have nothing I want to talk to her about.  One morning she was telling me that she cleans another executive suites building here in Downtown Boulder called The Highland Building.  I am familiar with this building because I interviewed there about a year ago and I really wanted the job.  When I interviewed, I was told I could have the possibility of picking up extra hours by cleaning the condos that were owned by the same company that owned the executive suites.  I told the cleaning lady that, and she got upset and said, "No, the girls at the desk there aren't allowed to do that anymore."  She got legitimately aggravated when I told her what I'd been told when I interviewed there A YEAR AGO.  I really do hate seeing her in the mornings.  She throws off my energy for at least the first few hours I'm at work after I see her.

I guess I am not sure how the security system for our building functions.  I know that I have a key card that I need to pass in front of a sensor to get into the building each morning because the doors don't unlock until 8am.  The people who work in this building know that they need a key card that they need to pass in front of a sensor to get into the building each morning before 8am.  However, the past two mornings, the alarm has gone off in the building because somehow, magically, someone has entered the building without using a key card to unlock the door.  It's even better when I rush up the stairs to turn the alarm off (because I'm always downstairs making coffee when this occurs), and there's someone walking past me looking sheepish.  Apparently honesty and integrity are quite rare qualities, because every morning I've had to turn the alarm off, no one comes forward to apologize for accidentally setting it off in the first place, or to explain what happened.

And I am going to have to continue to deal with idiocy for the rest of the day because one of the attorneys that offices here is holding a deposition upstairs in our 5th floor conference room.  He has at least 5 other people up there, each of which has come to the front desk today to tell me either that they were here for a deposition or that they were looking for the attorney who had scheduled the deposition.  Perhaps it's just that my patience and compassion have already been drained out of me today, but I feel like if you're in a building that you're not familiar with, there is no reason to act high and mighty and secretive about why you're there in the first place.  Also, the attorney approached me yesterday to alert me to the meeting that would be taking place and that several people would be coming in to be involved in the meeting and that it was scheduled in the upstairs conference room.  My first reaction when the people started arriving was to just send them up to the conference room, because I was not told to watch out for a particular person with whom the attorney wished to speak before the deposition began.  Although there apparently was.  As people arrived, I sent them upstairs.  Multiple times the attorney came up to ask me if anyone else had arrived yet, and looked alarmed when I told him I'd sent them upstairs.  Being unaware that I was to inform him of anyone in particular's arrival, I directed everyone as far away from me as possible as quickly as possible.

Is that not the natural reaction to coming into contact with someone stupid?  Get them as far away from you as possible?  There are more people than I am comfortable with that work in this building - and thus in far too close of proximity to me - who are awkward, selfish, impulsive or just plain stupid, and it's taken me three short months to finally see it all clearly.  There are two conference rooms in this building, and there are some days when they're not booked at all, and there are some days that they are booked all day solid.  Someone with common sense would book a room as far in advance as possible, and most people do.  There are some people, though, in this building who are incredibly self-involved, like the guys who run the social media company (and every employee in that company is one of those awkward engineer types who can't properly socialize with other humans).  The owner comes up to me almost every single day to ask if a conference room is available RIGHT THEN, and then gets mad if it's not.

I think today is going to be a looooooooooooooong day.

The Initials Are V.D. For A Reason

So far, I have not received any phone calls or text messages alerting me to the fact that Phoenix has gotten out of the back yard or the house.  That's a plus!  I have to assume that either no one has convinced him to get close enough to look at his tags yet, or he's still in the house.  I'm hoping it's the latter.  I plan to RUSH home as fast as possible to get to him.  Then later tonight I have to do some shopping for household items like things with which to clean.  I wish I had enough money to buy a new vacuum and a flat-panel TV.  I got my tax-return AND my big paycheck from working almost 50 hours last week, so I have quite a bit of money to look at.  I say look at, and not spend, because I'd like to be ahead on my rent each month, so that I'm paying only half of it with the paycheck I receive on the first of the month, and the other half with the previous month's pay.  Now is going to be my only opportunity to make that happen.  So I will look at the money I have in my bank account and not spend it unless I know that I will be able to pay for everything I need to pay for (including paying off medical bills and getting an eye exam and new contacts). 

I should probably mention that I have begun communicating with someone from the free dating site.  He's just over 10 years older than me, he's fair-haired (and hopefully light-eyed), and so far, he spells everything out via text message AND he spells everything correctly.  I think he looks similar to Former Bestie's flame.  So, needless to say, I like him already.  He's smart, too.  Right now he's at CU getting an MBA, and also working for Level 3 Communications.  We haven't met in person yet, nor do we have any plans to meet (as of this moment), but I'm trying to get something planned so that I can finally decide whether or not he's someone I'd like to keep around.  Being fully aware of how I feel about people and making decisions about the relationships I have, I know that I will be able to tell fairly quickly whether or not I want to keep talking to this guy. 

He brought it to my attention today that I am kind of bitter about Valentine's Day, which I guess I am.  I haven't had someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with since 2006, and even then things were at the beginning of the end with Brian so it wasn't all that pleasant.  I'm just sort of anti-relationship at this point because I have been told so many times recently that I'm not someone they want to date but they'd love to be friends with me.  I'm guilty enough of having said that to guys, too, and I try to be good to my word about staying friends with them (look at my friendship with Jonas!).  I like to stay friends with guys I've dated, even if I don't have a romantic interest in them, because more often than not there is some quality about them that drew me to them in the first place, and I am all about making new friends and maintaining and nurturing friendships at this point in my life.  However, I have been very apprehensive about dating because I tend to be hurt when a guy inevitably tells me that he just wants to be friends and I am very protective of my feelings right now.  I don't feel like having to put myself back together again.

And so I'm attempting to be very relaxed about my communication with this guy to prevent the drama which often follows.  I'm excited, but not all that excited.  More nervous than anything.  But keeping my shit together.  And it feels good to have control over that.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all that have significant others in their lives with which to celebrate, and Happy Single's Reminder Day to all that don't.  I'm one of the latter, and I am pretty sure that I'm deciding I don't like Valentine's Day at all.  If I could, I'd buy Phoenix gifts for today since he is my love, but he already has SO MUCH stuff that I spoil him with.  And he has two new friends who are a risk for taking his gifts.

I can't believe that it's almost 5pm and it's still light outside.  That warms my soul!  Also warming my soul is the fact that I am in possession of enough money to maintain a fairly comfortable lifestyle, I have a job with which to continue making money, and I have a roof over my head and a room that is not in a location that my sister has access to.  Did I just end a sentence in a preposition?  That's a grammatical rule I'm not entirely in understanding of.

Anyway, today (the work day, anyway.  Who knows about the rest of the night?) is ending well.  I am thrilled not to have to sit at this desk the entire week this week although I am going to show apartments on Wednesday and Friday for some extra hours.  Work tomorrow and then sleep in a bit on Wednesday, get some blood work done and get my new glasses and contacts prescription.  I'm in a mood to Get 'Er Done (wink wink, Tiff)!

The BIG MOVE

Welp, it finally happened.  I forgot to post anything yesterday.  In my defense, I spent the entire day yesterday moving into my new place and unpacking.  I was so exhausted by 7:00pm I could hardly keep my eyes open.

However, the move went great.  It took me quite awhile to get all my crap moved in, and I still have stuff I need to get out of storage, but Phoenix and I spent our first night there and it was great!  I have two female roommates, named Meredi and Linda.  They're both about my age.  Meredi works for a catering company and is getting her Masters in Social Work, and Linda is a kindergarten teacher for Denver Public Schools.  They each have their own dog, so Phoenix has two new roommates as well.  I would guess that they're both mixed breeds, Meredi's dog's name is Nala (I think), and Linda's dog is named Ramey (name and spelling I'm not entirely sure of yet).  Phoenix and Nala(?) get along great, they really like to play, but Phoenix actually snapped at Ramey(?) last night so I think they're going to need some time to get used to one another.

I left Phoenix at the house today and I'm pretty nervous about it.  I'm sure everything will be fine, but you just never know.  Yesterday when my mom and I were moving stuff into the house, I put Phoenix out in the backyard with Nala(?), and he jumped the fence.  Twice.  The fence is a good 6'-8' tall, but that dog can spring like a bunny when he wants to.  I left a note in case anyone should be at home today (I don't know either of my roommates' schedules yet, although I can take a guess at Linda's) not to just let him outside and walk away because he will know I'm not in the house and jump the fence to try to go looking for me.  I'm totally fine with him being inside the house all day.  It's just going to take him some time to get used to the fact that we are living there now and not anywhere else. 

So I'm posting this now, on Monday morning, in lieu of posting last night.  I'll post again either before I leave work or once I get home.  I just don't have the wireless network key there yet.

Step Towards the Future

It's been a long day. I'm writing this while listening to bad county covers at a bar called I Love This Bar - Toby Keith's. It's ridiculous. And Tiffany is sooooooooooo drunk. She's so drunk she's also crying. And momentarily helping me write this blog. Either way I am at this bar unwillingly. I hate county music. With a passion. And passion is not a word to be taken lightly.

The night began with the Slumber Party at which I bought my first vibrator. I don't often address sex on my blog but it's an important milestone to make note of. Apparently I may be the first 26 year old on the planet that does not own some kind of pleasure-myself-apparatus. I am no stranger to the realm of sex toys but I've always been apprehensive about toys to use for myself. So there's that.

Most of my day today was spent moving my large-ish furniture. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get the rest of it done. Either way, I'm sleeping at my new house tomorrow night. I hope. Leaving Phoenix there all by himself for 9.5 hours for the first time may be challenging.

I am still at the country crap bar. You guys remember Odd Guy? Yeah, we went out him him and Mr. Roomie tonight. Is he making out with random trashy bar chick right now? Yup. So that's fun. I've been asking to leave for like 30 minutes now but to no avail. And I'm the driver. Bullshit. The things I'll do for Tiffany. I've been thinking a lot about Former Bestie the last couple of days. I miss her like crazy, but I'm not sure I can handle being her friend without feeling competitive with or jealous of her. I caught p on her Facebook just now (out of boredom, and effort to not watch Odd Guy maing out with Trashy Chick), to see what her life has been like, and I definitely got depressed. Partly because I'm not around to go dress shopping with her, but partly because she's moving forward with her engagement. Maybe it will be good. I feel the need to be happy for her and excited for her movement towards a different life for herself and her kid, but I'm just not there yet. I'd like to try harder in the next few weeks to be accepting of her situation without being envious and competitive. I think it shall take a bit more time.

I have to attempt to talk Tiffany into leaving now. It's time for the night to end. I hope you enjoyed reading my blog written on location this evening.

TGIF

I woke up this morning with a headache that has stayed with me all day long.  But it's Friday, and THANK THE LORD for that.  I think I might die if I had to get up and come into work one more day this week. 

So.  This weekend I move.  I am excited, except for the part where I'm moving my things almost entirely on my own (I can probably get my sister to help since I helped her back in August), and also because I don't think I can get the cable hooked up before Monday which is when the Jeopardy IBM challenge starts.  See, I'm a big Jeopardy fan.  I try to watch it as often as I can, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty good at it.  I've taken the test to be a contestant for three years now, and I feel confidently that I did well on the test this year.  I wasn't completely stumped on like 30 of the 50 questions.  Anyway, I probably won't be getting cable until next weekend, so I hope that I can make it that long.  I'm planning to call Comcast either tonight or tomorrow to see if I can get it hooked up this Sunday.  We'll see.

Other than that I haven't much to write about (again).  My moods are good, they're fairly stable.  I haven't experienced crippling bouts of upset-ness due to rejection on the dating site, although I'm being a lot less serious about it this time around. 

I should be getting my tax return on Monday and I get paid on Tuesday so next week I'm in the money!!  I'll probably just save whatever money I have leftover from paying the security deposit and rent and stuff so that I'm never ever at bank account $0 ever again.  It would be really nice if I could make that happen.  I am getting a lot better at not spending money just because I have it to spend.  Hopefully I can make it last.  I did make the $900 I got for graduating high school last like 8 months or some ridiculous amount of time, so I think I can do it.

I'm babysitting my nephews and niece tonight so my sister can go to a party and because my parents will not be back from the airport yet.  I'm kind of excited.  I love getting to hang out with them as long as I can walk away at some point and relinquish my responsibility of them.  See?  I'm not ready to be a parent. 

THIS WEEK IS DRAGGING ON!!  But it's almost time for me to go home.  I have to stop at my new house and pick up a copy of the key and then I'll probably grab a six-pack before I get back to my parents house.  I need it after this week.

Work Work Work

I haven't got anything to write about.  I've been at work for a total of 36.75 hours this week and that is like 8 hours too much.  My ass hurts from sitting for 9.5 hours each day, and the arthritis in my hips is all flared up because I've been trying to find a comfortable sitting position for like 8 hours of each day.

Last night I wanted to go to bed early but I told Tiffany that I'd gotten Paranormal Activity 2 from Netflix, and she insisted we watch it.  I was excited to see it, so I agreed.  It was a good movie, barring the one scene that involved the dog.  But then I went to bed and dreamed about it, as though I were in the movie.  It was scary, and I feel like I didn't sleep well because of being stressed out while I was asleep.

I'm so glad that tomorrow is Friday.  I might be the most glad for tomorrow's being Friday that I have ever been.  Regardless of the fact that I really haven't done a whole lot of WORK this week, I am worn out!  The fact that my hips and legs are nearly killing me I think is what is bothering me the most.

Hopefully I can get to bed early tonight.  I just want nothing more than to not have to work every day.

Don't Trust Me

Man, Colorado is a beautiful place.  I am not like the transplants who take advantage of living here, and goes hiking and skiing and snowboarding and 4-wheeling and all of that.  I spend like an hour a day outside at least come April when the weather gets nice.  I sit in the sunshine and read.  I am not much for hiking because I'd rather just go for a run or a drive through the mountains, but I don't particularly enjoy walking up a mountain trail WHILE getting a cardio workout.  But every day that I have to drive to work in Boulder, I always look at the mountains and think about how lucky I am to get to see something so beautiful almost every single day.

I was thinking on my drive to work that there was something I wanted to address in the blog today, but now I can't remember what it was.  I know it had something to do with feeling good and being grateful.  Which is something that is becoming more and more common an occurrence.  But I remember thinking that I wanted to address it today.

I start moving my things into my new house on Saturday!  I have worked it out with my future roommate/landlord to pay for everything with my tax return and next paycheck.  But it's supposed to be warm this weekend and so I'm going to take advantage of some time off and the great weather and move in!

I forgot to mention yesterday that I have once again re-joined the notorious free dating website I used previously.  I'm in a better place mentally to be able to handle the rejection that will inevitably pop up.

I stopped and got donuts on the way to work this morning.  That incalculably brightened my day.  It's Wednesday.  I had to work today.  That was enough to make me want to puke (not because I hate my job but because I hate having to work 5 days in a row).  I was doing really well, mood-wise, the first 6 and a half hours, but now I feel like my mood has taken a nose-dive.  I can't think of one real reason that my mood would change at all, but it has.  I just want to go home and crawl under the covers and sleep until tomorrow. 

But I can't.  I have to take the online Jeopardy test tonight, and it's only offered once a year.  I'll have to wait to sleep until this weekend.  If I make it there.

Typical February Day

Two days down, three to go.  I even made it in to work this morning on time, despite the snow that fell overnight.  Granted, I left the house at 6:30am, which is a whole hour before I had to be to work.  I like that I planned ahead this time and that it paid off.  In fact, I planned so far ahead that I stayed at my parents house last night so that I didn't have to leave the house at 6am to drop Phoenix off before actually getting on the highway to go to work.  And it worked out nicely.  Normally, I'd be breathing a sigh of relief over tomorrow being a day off, so that I could sleep in a little and get some other things done that I need to get done, but I am working tomorrow!!  That, I am not excited about.  I could use a little more rest.  But I'll project to be able to go to bed a bit early tonight.  I was in bed, lights out by 8:30 last night and it was GLORIOUS.

I haven't got much to write about today.  I wrote to the girls I'm moving in with to see if I can move into the house this weekend, a little bit ahead of schedule.  I'm anxious to get moved in, and I would really like to have the extra space for all the rest of my stuff.  While I'm extremely grateful to Tiffany for letting me stay with her in the interim time during which I hadn't enough money to pay for a deposit and rent to move out of my parents house and the time when I hit the point at which I couldn't stand to be living there anymore, I'm excited to get moved and settled into my new place.  I'm even more excited to be able to use the enormous closet in my new room.  I feel like I'm edging towards being the grown-up who does her laundry in a responsible manner, once weekly, so that it doesn't pile up and pile up in laundry baskets.  I'm anxious to be that grown-up in the full capacity.

I'd also like to get Phoenix settled into the place so that he knows it's his new home.  I'm terrified to be leaving him at home all day long without people and in a new place and with other dogs he doesn't know.  But I don't have much of a choice.  I'm thrilled that I'm only working all five weekdays this one time and not all the time.  I couldn't do it.  I don't have the patience to do it, and I enjoy my freedom far too much to be tied to this desk for more than three days a week.  Obviously the extra money would be really nice, but I hope I never have to work in a job that is in a field I'm not passionate about full-time.  It's too hard for me.  I guess I'm just not one of those people who can make myself do something just for the reason that I'm obligated to do it.  I know myself well enough to know that I would never obligate myself to do something I know I couldn't stand, and so I probably never will.

I think I'm going to struggle to make it through the rest of the week, but I'm going to do the best I can to keep my head up.  If I can get enough sleep, I know I'll be okay.

Tranquillité

Oh I've been terrible about writing lately.  It's hard to write anything of substance from the tiny screen of an iPhone whilst in bed after having already turned off the lights and mentally readied oneself for sleep.  I try to make little footnotes during the course of each day for what I might write about later, but I haven't even really been doing that!

So to the writing of things of a more in-depth nature:

Being physically ill does take a toll on mental health.  However, I spent very little time during the last 5 days of being sick actually thinking about the state of my life.  It might be just that my own mortality suddenly came to the forefront of my thoughts during the fight for my health, or it might just be that I am content at this moment.

I feel as though I have some semblance of control over my life for the first time in who knows how long.  There are still little aspects I have no control over, but I think that finding some peace with the knowledge that there are things in this world that I can't control has been the key to maintaining my sanity.  Therefore perhaps I just don't have anything to write about.

I'm excited to be moving into a new place.  It's like watching a flower bloom after having frozen and died outside in the cold.  You know, like those sped-up videos.  I don't by any means want to jinx anything, and I know that I will still be facing a lot of different kinds of trouble where I will feel as though the darkness has returned to envelope me for any given amount of time, but for right now I need to focus on the fact that I am basking in the light and am warm and comfortable.

"Money doesn't buy happiness."  I'm not sure I can stand by that.  Money may not be able to physically purchase something abstract like happiness, but it sure can create a feeling of well-being.  In the month of February, between working extra hours and receiving a sizable tax-return (money which I have not actually seen yet but am just anticipating), I'll have enough money to pay the rest of my bills and I have money which I can choose to save, or I can spend it on things that I have previously needed and not had enough money to buy.  I can get myself a new laptop if I want to, since mine does not function as a laptop.  I could put a down payment on and opt to finance the remaining amount of Lasik.  I could buy a new flat-screen TV to replace my monster 27" flat-screen tube TV.  I can buy a fancy glass doggie-door so for my new place so that all three dogs can go in and out as they please (those suckers are expensive!).  I can take a trip to San Diego to visit Kara (finally!)!

Anyway, that's all for today I think.  I keep getting hot flashes and waves of nausea so I'm going to attempt to sit still and relax for the next hour and twenty minutes before I have to go to home.  At least I don't have to worry about sitting bolt upright in bed tonight half asleep remembering that I still need to write for the day.

Superbowl Sunday

I was almost asleep this time. Damn!

Thank God. Today I began to feel a little better. Not so socked in with crud. Although I've been feeling terribly nauseated since I got home from my parents house. I went over to hang out and watch the Superbowl. We had chips and queso and guacamole. Yum. I could actually even taste some of it!!

And so tomorrow morning I begin my full work-week. 47.5 hours of work. I know by the end of it I'll be bored to tears, but after the last 5 days of being sick, I'm excited to get back out into the world. And it will more than pay off. That plus my tax-return and I'll be swimming in money. I'm going to do my best to save it!

That's all for today. I'm hoping to get ready quick enough in the morning to stop and get donuts. There's no better way to start any week than with donuts.

Almost 100 Years Later - Influenza

Day four of sickness.  SO over it.  I'm bored of sleeping (who'd have thought?), and I'm trying to function as normally as I can, but I want to feel better so I'm making a conscious effort to rest and recover to the best of my ability.  Several times today I've thought of going to the hospital because my symptoms are almost more than I can bear.  The only thing stopping me is the thought of the hospital bills that would follow, and that I simply cannot stand.

I've left Phoenix at my parents house tonight so that he will get more social interaction and so he won't be bored to death while I spend most of my time sleeping.  I'm planning to get directly into bed after writing this post.  I've been on a regimen of generic dayquil, mucinex and nyquil and I stopped to get some zicam to throw into the mix as well.  I think this is the most ill I've felt in a very long time, since perhaps 2006, when I was very sick for the duration of Former Bestie's wedding celebrations.  Luckily this time I can spend most of my time resting.

This is the first time in my life that the possibility has crossed my mind that an illness like this could very seriously incapacitate me and even possibly be fatal.  I know that I'm nowhere near dead or dying but I honestly feel that this is the most ravaged I've been from an illness in at least the last ten years.  My wits are seriously dulled, I feel like my head is swimming in a foggy cloud all the time, my reaction time is much, much slower than normal, and I just feel all around slow.  On top of the flu symptoms (sinus congestion, sore throat, cough, fever, sneezing), I'm feeling very nauseated this evening and I'm just praying that I don't throw up.  I ate a wonderful dinner at my parents house and I would rather not see it again.

And so I commend myself to my bed, in sweats, with a water bottle full of water and another full of orange juice, so that by Monday morning I can go to work without fear of being unable to finish the day.

PS - I finished my taxes today.  Refund around $1,700.  Enough for a security deposit and a new laptop.  Maybe.

On and On

I'm not feeling up to writing anything of substance tonight. I'm still sick. I'm now certain that I have the influenza virus. I fear a lengthy recovery period, and am not looking forward to feeling so crappy for some time hence.

A Cough, a Sneeze and a Sniffle

I've almost done it again. I'm in bed, meds taken, face washed, nyquil imbibed, with nothing written. Still sick. I took today off of work and am contemplating not going in to train to do apartment showings as scheduled tomorrow. When I awoke today, I felt rested and energetic. But after I got up and moved around a bit, I felt worse and worse. By 5pm I felt horrible. I'm sore all over as though I've been beaten, especially round the kidneys. I'm sure it's from fitfully coughing, but it hurts nonetheless. In the last few hours, my sinuses have congested and I've been sneezing up a storm. So I will wait until tomorrow morning to decide whether to try and get another day of rest. I do, of course, have the weekend to rest and relax. But I'm still not cool with the possibility of being the person who goes out in the world and spreads illness.

Either way, I'm going to sleep now.

Sick Day

Oh I hate being sick.  I hate it.  I woke up this morning and every part of my body hurt.  When I get a fever, my hips hurt as though I have arthritis (which I'm pretty sure I have, but it's minor).  They've been killing me all day.  My skin hurts.  My chest hurts and coughing makes it so much worse.  I was telling my mom today that my kidneys hurt.  I have a sore throat and I'm a little congested.  YUCK.

I am fairly certain that my immune system is being very strongly tested by living with kids.  I've been living with kids for the past three months at least, and I'm averaging one significant illness a month.  I guess my body just isn't adapting well to the onslaught of germs that children carry around.

I got a few extra hours of sleep today, and because I feel so crappy, I've taken tomorrow off.  It's a big deal for me to be taking tomorrow off because it will have been my first sick day in 10 weeks of work.  That might be a record for me.  I don't even want to take tomorrow off because I need the money, but I also don't want to go in and be coughing all over everyone and everything.  I CANNOT STAND when other people go out in public and cough and sneeze all over the place, so I do my best to not be that guy.  Also, I need to get better because I am working at the desk all 5 days next week and I cannot take a day off.

I'm feeling really confident about the level of reliability I'm presenting to my boss.  I want her to be able to rely on me, and I feel that she can, and I think she feels that she can.  She complimented me yesterday because I didn't freak out when the Boulder Fire Department showed up after a pipe burst that set off the fire alarm in the building.  No one came up to tell me what was going on, but I didn't make a big deal out of it.  I figured that if there was something I needed to know, they'd tell me.  If it was a real emergency, I'd be made aware of it.  So I feel guilty about having taken tomorrow off, but I think it's necessary.  And that's what makes the difference.  It has nothing to do with not being able to get out of bed.  It's that I should really stay in bed.

I had to get up and do a little grocery shopping today, both for me and for Phoenix, and I'm really glad I got it taken care of.  I thought about putting it off, but I have a lot of trouble justifying that on a day off, regardless of whether or not I am sick.  I also went to go look at a possible new dwelling.

I'd really been planning on living in Boulder.  I want to be close to work and school.  However, I saw this place advertised on craigslist, and I replied.  The girl who had put the ad up seemed a lot like me - eloquent, dorky, and smart.  So I went to meet the girl and her roommate this evening.  The house is really nice, way nicer than any other place I've ever lived with the exception of my parents house.  I'll have a room that's comparable to my room at my parents house.  It has vaulted ceilings, a finished basement, it's clean and decorated, and it has two dogs for Phoenix to play with.  They're both girls, one of which is very mischievous, and the other is a bit high-strung.  It's in Lafayette, which is close to Boulder, and I won't have to take the main highway to work in the morning so I think I'll be cutting off a decent amount of time from my commute.  I'm nervous, though.  I want to move to a place where I want to live for a long time.  I want to be able to make a home somewhere, and receive my mail there, and have it be the place where I live.  I'm not sure I can make this place my new home.

The girls are very nice.  They are both professionals, and they both seem responsible but able to have fun.  I don't want to poison my mind with inept opinions about either of them just based on my first impression, but one of the girls seems a little bit stuck-up.  I'm hoping that it is just because of the awkwardness of the first meeting.  However, they both seemed to like me a lot and have invited me to take the room.  I was a little worried about not being able to make the payments for the room right away, but I keep forgetting that I'll be getting a tax return that I can put towards this new living situation.

I'm apprehensive, let's leave it at that.  I'm hopeful, and I'm trying to be optimistic, but I'm just not sure.  All I can do is give it a try, right?  It will either be catastrophic, wonderful, or anything in between.

Oh I must go to bed now.  I feel HORRIBLE.

Frigid - In More Ways Than One

Maybe it's come to that point, where I don't feel like writing anymore.  I sincerely hope not, but it might be the reason I keep forgetting to write.  Today was ridiculous.  The high temperature was slated to be like -7.  The HIGH temperature.  You'd think we lived in the Arctic Circle.  I had to work today, and luckily the drive to and from work wasn't too bad.  But I woke up feeling very tired and I had a sore throat, so I knew it was my turn to have whatever crud is going around right now.

Thank GOD I have tomorrow off to recoup a little.  I'm hoping I don't have to call in on Thursday, but I'm leaving that option open just in case.  I'm mad that I'm sick - it will be the third time in like 5 months that I've been sick, after spending like a year not getting sick at all.  I'm spending significantly less time sleeping, what with the changes I've been feeling in my mood and with having the kids live with us, and now having moved, sleep just isn't a priority.  It used to be at the very top of my list, but it isn't anymore.  I never thought I'd see the day.

I'm going over to look at a house tomorrow.  It's in Lafayette, which is further outside of Boulder than I want to live, but I'm going to give it a shot.  One of the two roommates (the one I've been in contact with) seems a lot like me, and they have two dogs and a big backyard and are literally like 1 block away from a lake.  You aren't allowed to swim in the lake, but it's an open space (with stupid leash laws) that P and I could potentially  use for walks and runs.  There's another house I'm thinking about looking at, and it's actually IN Boulder, but technically the lease stipulates no animals, although the person who is moving out said she doesn't care.  I asked her what the other roommates would think about having a dog but I haven't heard back from her yet.  So I have a tiny bit of wiggle room.  Plus I have about 13 more days to actually make a decision, although I would really like to not be making my decision at the last minute.

A little bit of family drama ensued yesterday.  My dad received a phone call from the Boulder County Sheriff's Department asking him why he had violated the restraining order he has against him.  He was slightly confused, as he was under the impression that the order had been lifted.  He said as much to the deputy who had made the call, and ironically the deputy made the phone call to my dad before checking to see if there was in fact a restraining order in place.  See, my sister's ex-mother-in-law saw that my dad had accompanied my sister in bringing the kids back for their 4-day visitation, and called the police to report that my dad had violated the restraining order that USED to be in place.  We're not sure if she's stupid, forgetful, or just plain spiteful and was simply just trying to cause trouble for my family, but after speaking with the deputy and reading him the paperwork my dad had stating that the restraining order had been lifted on grounds that there was no reason for it, the deputy shared with my dad that my sister's ex-mother-in-law had actually been quite crass with the deputy and demanded that he investigate (and bring my dad in) based on her word alone.

Fortunately my dad stayed level headed and friendly with the deputy and made it clear that the woman is a bitch who is just trying to cause grief and discord in the current custody proceedings, and the deputy agreed that this particular stunt would only further discredit the whore (I'm stating a fact - she's a whore.  She sleeps around and the whole family knows about it but doesn't talk about it) when it came time to put permanent orders in place regarding the kids' living situations.

I'm thrilled that I wasn't there when this all went down because I've been living in a state of reduced stress for a few days now and I finally feel like I'm starting to relax.  It's just unbelievable to me that the woman would still be trying to pull shit like this after everything has been relatively calm.

If I'm getting anything out of this, it's fear of marriage.  I worry that I'll end up having to go through something as petty and contentious as this someday and it would be even worse to have kids involved.  I'd like to just take that possibility off the table altogether by avoiding the legal aspect of it entirely.  A common law marriage or a civil union would be fine with me.  As nice as it might be to be taken care of financially, I don't ever want to be in a position where I could not support myself and/or my kids.

Blah.  My whole body hurts and I'm exhausted.  I still have to get my down comforter into my duvet cover because it's so bloody cold outside and I sleep next to the outside wall.

I got paid today.  Finally.  I can go buy food for myself and Phoenix tomorrow.  And cough medicine.  For me.  

Icy Considerations

Damn! I almost forgot to write again!! I didn't really even give it a second thought at work today.

I thought I may have found a house (again) today, but it fell through. Again. I'm taking Phoenix to look at a place with me on Wednesday. It is further outside of town than I wanted but I may have to settle based on price and availability.

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm going to pass out now.

Fantastically Unreal

For some reason, I'm having a bit of trouble remembering to write every day. I'm not overly busy or anything so I'm not sure what's going on. It's isn't that I don't want to write, either. I love writing.

I am spending a rather excessive amount of time fantasizing these last few days. It might be just that I have the time to be spending in my head creating fantasies that will never play out. It bothers me a little, because it causes me unnecessary frustration over being unable to make the fantasies come true.

I heard back about the house I'd wanted to move to, but I won't be able to live there. They've already acquired a roommate who has three cats and that is incompatible with my one dog. Boo. I'm disappointed. Even though I didn't want to get my hopes up, I guess I did. But I'm going to keep looking until I can find the perfect situation. I inquired about a couple of houses today and will probably go look at them in the next few days, weather permitting. One is way out in Lafayette, but roomier and cheaper and has dogs. The other is still only iffy - it is on the hill but I don't know if it allows dogs. I'm going to do the best I can to restrain myself from diving into any situation before I know it is perfect. I still have time.

I'm getting back into The Tudors. Coincedentally, my favorite actor in the series has just landed the role of Superman in the next movie, so I'm disappointed that he'll no longer be a relative unknown. that lowers my chances of actually meeting him and him falling madly in love with me. See? Fantasies.

Production

Whew!  Today was pretty good.  I'm exhausted; I didn't take a nap, which is slightly unusual for one of my days off.  I spent the entire day at my parents' house.  I took Phoenix and Lucky to the dog park and I took the boys with me.  I guess they've been sick with some bug that gives them a headache and a fever, so poor little H wasn't thrilled with being outside for that hour.  He was really whiny and kept expressing worry over losing the dogs since they kept running off.  It was really good exercise for the dogs, though, and the weather was absolutely gorgeous today, so all the more reason to get outside.  The dogs went in the pond, which was half iced-over and completely full of mud, so when we got home, I had to give both Lucky and Phoenix a bath.  I took them outside to brush them off in the sun so they'd be warm while they dried, and after that I sat out with all three dogs while they chewed on rawhides and I read my book.  Then I vacuumed out my car and wiped off all the mud (with help from Z), and then searched craigslist for a house to move into.  By then it was dinnertime and we sat down to eat what was my first substantial meal in a week.

It's my own fault I haven't been eating.  I haven't had money to buy food and I don't like the idea of living off of the food that Tiffany and her hubby buy for themselves and their kids.  It's hard enough for them to support themselves and their family without throwing another adult into the mix.  I am hoping that my parents find it a little less burdensome financially now that they don't have to pay for food for me.

I came back to the house and decided to take a soak in the hot tub (yup, there's a hot tub here!), and they've got a TV set up out there, so I brought my DVD player out along with some Mike's Hard Lemonade and just swam around in the steamy goodness for awhile.

Remember "Dane"/"Kale"?  I have been talking to him on and off, so I'd invited him to come over to the house and sit in the tub with me and catch up since I had the house to myself.  He came over and we sat and caught up for a few hours whilst drinking.  It was lovely.  He works for Comcast, and I had mentioned to him that I couldn't get the wireless router working so he offered to take a look at it, which ended in him getting it set up and configured for me in no time at all.  And so I am typing this in my bedroom.

I love feeling efficient and productive.  I feel like I properly interacted with my family, my nephews and the dogs today, as well as a friend with whom I'd like to spend more time.  I am currently staying up late to get my laundry done so as not to be in the way of the family's normal laundry routine, but I can sleep in tomorrow and laze around for at least the better part of the morning.  And Phoenix is exhausted.  I feel good about allowing him time to socialize today as well as get a good amount of exercise.  When the weather is gorgeous like it was today, I feel like things are that much easier for me.  Having 60 degree temperatures in January is by no means odd in Colorado, especially considering that it is forecasted to snow and drop down to around 0 degrees Fahrenheit this coming week, but a glimpse of the beauty that the spring and summer weather offer in the dead of winter is terribly refreshing.  People are out in DROVES.  It is fantastic.

Given that I was really busy today, I didn't have much time to sit around and think, and I like that.  Any day when I can maximally escape mentally from my normal thought cycles and routines is highly welcome.  I think tomorrow might be a little tough for me, but now that I've got internet access in my room I'll have more of an opportunity to feel a bit more normal.

As for my craigslist search, I may have found a place to live.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it looks like a great opportunity for a good situation in an ideal location in a part of Boulder I've never lived in before, but a place I'd be super excited to get a chance to live.  It's literally right on Chataqua Park, which is literally at the foot of the Flatirons.  I hope that it works out, but like I said I'm trying not to be overly hopeful to minimize the disappointment I have a high chance of feeling if it shouldn't turn out like I want.

I'm so tired but I love feeling exhausted like this.  It means that I got the most out of my day, and I don't feel that way very often.  It sure beats the days when I've spent the better part of my time in or on my bed watching movies or whatever.  I don't think I'll have too many of those days in my future (I hope), because I'm slowly re-integrating myself into the world as though I've been hibernating for several years.  It's glorious.

Quietly Pondering

I'm feeling kind of inadequate today. I tried my hand at setting up the wireless router here. I was able to find it in the storage shed though, so that's cool. I pretty much knew exactly where it was. But I'm discovering what a social person Tiffany is and although it's about what I expected, I thought I was more secure with my placement in my own social structure. I was fine with the way things with Odd Guy had sort of ended up, but I'm finding myself feeling left out, I guess, after seeing the friendship he and Tiffany have. I don't really have that kind of friendship with anyone anymore. It hasn't really been bothering me too terribly much lately but living here it's kind of in my face. I'm not complaining by any means, just taking note of it. I guess it just means I've still got a whole lot of work to do.

In noticing the lack of closeness I have with anyone, I just feel more and more terrified of never finding a companion who fulfills all of the things I've got on my list of "must-haves" for a mate. I've been trying really hard to lower my standards, so that I have a whisper of a chance at meeting someone. When I see how open Tiffany is and how much she gives of herself, I wonder what it will take for me to be able to open myself to the world. I'm also keenly aware of the position I'm in right now, sort of in-between big changes I'm making in my life and I try to remind myself to be patient.

I'm writing on my phone again and it's being retarded so I guess I've got to end it here. Not having 24/7 Internet access and a computer is really cramping my style!

For the Millionth Time

Today is dragging by.  Slowly.

So, yesterday was good.  I got up and went to the gym with Tiffany, where I proceeded to do 30 minutes of cardio, sweating so profusely you'd think I'd dunked my head in a horse-trough.  It felt good though, to work out.  I had planned to try to start hitting the gym to get into shape on the 25th or 26th of January, and go on all of my days off of work which is only four days a week, and I think I can handle that.  I mean, I've already started! If I can keep it up, I'll be very proud of myself.

After that, we went home and watched a couple of episodes of 30 Rock, because in agreement for me taking up Glee, Tiffany has agreed to take up 30 Rock.  It's a sweet deal because so far I like Glee and she likes 30 Rock!  Then we left to go donate blood.  This is where the day takes a silly turn.  Tiffany has donated a gallon of blood over the course of her life, and I've only been able to donate one other time in my life.  Tiffany is a gusher, and I had to be poked with a 16.5 gauge needle in BOTH ARMS.  The right arm wouldn't yield blood quickly enough to be used, so they poked my left arm.  It took awhile to get the vein, but they did get it.  After like 230mL, the blood flow slowed down.  I guess they have 5 minutes to collect 400mL of blood or more (a fully unit is 470mL), and mine slowed so much that they decided to give up.  I'm not squeamish about being poked and prodded or blood, and I was totally fine after all of that, but today my arms are SORE!!  That needle is huge and they must have really knicked some of my muscle-fibers or nerves or something.  I'm also bruised, although not as badly as after playing around with the IVs in Hawaii.  I'm kind of sad that I am just not one of those people who can donate blood.  I'm not going to give up yet, though. 

We grabbed some lunch at Tokyo Joe's (yum!) and went home.  I read for a short while and then took a nap.  In the two times I was out of the house yesterday, I left Phoenix alone.  He did really well, although he was crazy excited, which is a symptom of his separation anxiety.  I'm still leaving him at my parents' house while I'm at work, but I can start leaving him at Tiffany's for an hour or more.  I can imagine how nerve-wracking it must be for him to be unaware of when I'm coming back, or even IF I'm coming back.  It makes me angry to think that some people decided to get rid of him when they couldn't handle his separation anxiety behavior instead of putting in the time to work with him on it.  He's such a sweetheart and just wants to be loved, which is all I do!!  He is my heart!

I agreed to hang out with Tiffany's kiddos while she went to an appointment, although I had originally hoped to run over to my parents house to take my mom up on an offer to pay for some gas for my car since I'm beyond broke at the moment.  So I called my mom to tell her I'd be over later, only to have her tell me not to bother because apparently my sister had taken her debit card a few days ago, and gone to the bars with it, racking up a $90 bill. 

Somehow I am shocked.  It's not as though we didn't anticipate this behavior from her, but I just keep hoping that she'll make better decisions.  I asked my mom what her consequences would be, and all my mom said was that she talked to my sister and my sister had taken everything my mom said "to heart" and was now doing everything my mom was saying.  With her lips up my mom's ass.  I said to my mom that I'm pretty sure my sister doesn't feel an ounce of sorrow or guilt over what she had done, but she was pretending to be sorry and feel guilty simply because she thinks that is how she's supposed to act.  I think my mom is finally beginning to accept that my sister has a Sociopathic Personality Disorder.  And the problem is that as long as my sister can put her kids in between the consequences that she should face for all the dumbass shit she pulls and actually doing the dumbass shit, she's not going to face any kind of tangible consequences besides the wrath of my parents anger and furor.  And apparently she feels that she can live with that. 

When I took Phoenix over this morning to the house (and I wanted to say hi to the kids), my dad and I were able to talk briefly, and he told me that that was the third time in as many weeks that she had absconded with one of their debit cards (under the pretense she was using it to put gas in the truck) and then gone and used it for whatever else without their permission.  As though they have an unlimited amount of cash that she's just allowed to use whenever and for whatever she wants. 

I have to stop here because I need to go home, and I can't seem to begin writing and then stop and pick back up later, so I'll have to just wait to finish my rant until tomorrow's post.  I plan to go to my parents house for dinner and to hang out with the kids for awhile and then head back to Tiffany's.  Tomorrow I will be getting my wireless router out of storage to set up at Tiffany's so I can have internet in my room.  Hopefully I will survive the evening without losing it on my sister.  If I don't make it, at least I can leave.

Not Much

This is yesterday's post:

Good day today.  Went to the gym and attempted to donate blood.  No computer right now, so don't feel like writing details on my phone.  More tomorrow.

Minutely Reassuring

I have been experiencing a confusing influx of feelings today.  Loneliness, anger, frustration, uncertainty, desire, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, anxiety, impatience, unimportance, confusion, reticence, restlessness and confidence.  To name just a few.  What becomes the problem is allowing these feelings to influence my mood. 

One of the biggest hurdles one faces in living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression is having a fleeting feeling completely alter one's mood.  Apparently fleeting feelings sort of come and go in people that don't have one or both of these mental illnesses without changing their mood.  It has taken me quite some time to figure out how to moderate my moods so that whenever something happens to make me feel differently, I don't allow it to completely ruin my day.  From time to time, it happens - for example, last week when I heard from Aaron that he would not be visiting me during his time off  (he gets time to move from Hawaii to Washington) because his girlfriend wouldn't want to do that - but for the most part, I'm really honing my skills and doing well at restraining the gauntlet of moods that I could go through during each day.

When I got up today, I was in a decent mood, I'd even go so far as to say it was positive.  Now that the day has worn on and nothing fantastic nor anything catastrophic has happened, I can say that it has progressed to ambivalence.  I had heard that Slightly Odd Guy (formerly known as Odd Guy and New Guy) had recently been exposed to high levels of CO (that's carbon-monoxide, not the postal code for Colorado for those of you idiots) and had gotten sick from it.  That's a serious problem!  I had refrained from contacting him with questions and to express my concern up until now, but I had a wild hair this morning (the cause of which I know to be having taken my One-a-Day Women's Active Metabolism vitamin which contains caffeine) and so I sent him a text message to tell him I'd heard about his near-fatal exposure and that I was concerned.  He said thanks, asked how I was, and then in response to my telling him that I've been struggling with life lately but I like living with Tiffany, he says, "The thing that counts most in the pursuit of happiness is choosing the right companion," along with a little signature thing at the end of the text with his name and "100%."  I was like WTF?!?  This is someone I considered dating not even a month ago.  A month ago we went on a date.  What the hell kind of a text is that to receive from someone you were considering dating?!?  Anyway, I was confounded.  A couple of years ago - one year ago, even - that would have considerably altered my mood, and it only momentarily changed how I felt.  I think that's a win.  I should have known to expect that from a quasi-Jesus-Freak.

I don't like going up and down and up and down and up and down emotionally during the day.  It's almost predictable that it will be something someone else does or says that will elicit an emotional reaction from me that may irreversibly (although only temporarily) alter my mood.  I'm really good at regulating my mood when something I read or do myself changes my emotions, it's when another person enters the picture that upsets me.  This I think is one of the widespread symptoms of people with BPD.  Our relationships tend to be overly turbulent, regardless of the depth of the relationship.  Someone we barely know saying something not-particularly hurtful can in fact profoundly disturb our mood.  Therefore, someone we feel that we have a connection with or someone we know well can say something very penetrating that can have a terribly destructive result.  It takes a lot of work to be able to control these things, and control is something that I have extreme difficulty in relinquishing.  So I've had to work ridiculously hard to gain control over what I allow to evoke any kind of emotion and even harder to not let my emotions vary my mood in any way.

I'm really excited that I'm making changes right now that will hopefully prolong my rehabilitation.  I was explaining to a friend the other day that thinking you're better but then realizing that maybe you're not has it's own benefit - you know that things do get better, and when things are really shitty that they will eventually get better.  By no means am I certain that I am better, nor am I anywhere near my worst, but I don't feel great.  I think the amount of disquiet in my life in the last 10 days has put my mood at a stable "yuck" point.  I don't know when it will get better but I know that it will.  As long as I can focus on that, as well as move one day at a time, I can get through it.