The Many Meanings of Contrary

I don't feel like doing much of anything today.  Every little thing is an incredible expense of energy.  I've been going back and forth for the last few hours about what I want to do after work today.  Originally I wanted to get a bottle of wine and consume the entire thing and nothing else.  No food.  I'm not really even very hungry anyway. 

I really don't want to have any obligations tomorrow.  I told Meredi I'd work, and so that's what I must do.  I asked her if it would be totally horrible if I bailed and she texted me back and was real short with me.  So I have to follow through.

In order to not hate tomorrow, I have to not drink tonight.  Which upsets me a little bit because there's nothing I'd like more than to get tipsy enough to feel happy tonight and sleep really well.  But if I do that, then I won't want to get up in the morning to run like I need to, and I won't feel any good after running.  So I can't do what I really want to do tonight, either.

Basically, I'm not real happy about having to act like an adult this evening, and about having to make the right choices.  I could totally do a 180 and go ahead and buy the wine and then have to make it through tomorrow, and I may just, for no other reason than to be contrary.

I may make myself an easy Asian noodle and veggie medley for dinner (out of ramen noodles and frozen veggies), if I feel like it, which I only halfway do.  We'll see how I feel once I actually get home.  I've got my weekend all planned out, and have since this morning.  I'm going to run tomorrow morning, then work, then go to my parents house for dinner, and then hit the gym tomorrow night and get a good work out in.  Then Sunday I'm going to take it easy.  I may go run, I may not, depending on how my legs feel. 

I feel like Phoenix is upset over not being able to go running during the week like he had been.  He seems unusually full of energy and I worry that he is mad at me most of the time. 

I'm also extremely tired.  I feel like I'm not able to get enough sleep, no matter how much I get.  That may have something to do with the fact that I've been working out so hard and so it's taking more for my body to recover, and it may have to do with my brain's being in the grieving process still, even though I sort of refuse to acknowledge that.  It might be that there is less sunshine during the day now that summer's on it's way out, and it may be my brain's dismay over having to actually put in some work for school.

I don't know.  I'm just in a crappy mood right now.  Not entirely sure why, since nothing has happened to me today to upset me, aside from having Meredi be unusually short with me, which is a first.  My boss wasn't even here to annoy me today, and I've just watched Lost all day long.  Got a couple of things done that I needed to get done, and now it's the weekend.  I think I'm just pissed that my weekend is pretty much full with very little time for me to have to myself, and then next week will be here just like that.  I hate being so tired and not being able to get the rest I want.  I hate that it upsets me so much.  I hate that I'm about to be broke and in another $2750 in debt starting sometime next week.  I hate that I have to do such a boring, repetitive job three days a week.

I'm going to have to get that wine tonight or else I might just hate the weekend that much more.  Man, I really hate being grumpy and hopeless.