We are back from camping. If I had been in my right mind, feeling good and normal (for me), I think I'd have had a blast. But the entire time I was stuck thinking about homework and school and money, and thinking about how cold I'd be at night, and how much I missed my boyfriend who kept me nice and warm on cold nights camping over the summer. I kept thinking about how uncomfortable I was, how uncomfortable it is to be so cold for so long, and how I wish I could just be back at home in my own bed and not having to pretend that nothing was wrong when I felt so incredibly wrong inside. I woke up on Sunday morning with incredible anxiety, so I took an Ativan and cried a little bit and tried really, really hard to just breathe and stay in the moment and quit worrying about what might happen in the near future. Once I was able to let go of that, I felt a little better. That and we were trying to drain down the keg a bit so I had several cups of beer, which I'm sure don't react well with the Ativan and could be the cause of why I feel so terrible today.
While we were there, we went fishing at Lost Lake. The trail down there is 4x4 and not super easy to get through, but my car really did just fine. It was the downed trees that made it more difficult. As I was trying to maneuver in and out of a spot off of the trail, I hit two different trees (one on the way in and one on the way out). I dented both of the front quarter panels on my car, the one on the passenger side so badly that the passenger door gets stuck opening. Just like on my old car. And I've had my car just over 2 months now. This just makes me think about how right my dad has always been about me - that I'm irresponsible and careless and that I don't deserve to have something nice, like a new car. I'm just like my older sister. It also didn't help that apparently someone was angry that I wasn't able to get all the way off the trail with my car, and went to the trouble of taking a chainsaw to another downed tree and throwing the pieces on the trail behind my car. Luckily we were with boys and they were able to move the logs for me.
Then, while we were fishing, I tried to hop from one rock to another at the lake, and I landed on my right foot, which totally buckled underneath me and sprained. I also landed in the water, but that wasn't the shitty part. The shitty part is that I paid to have my ankle fixed in January, lots of money, and I just ruined it in a millisecond of carelessness. As we were unloading the car when we got home, I then rolled the same ankle, not in a misstep, not stepping on a stone, not stepping down off a curb, nothing. I was just walking normally, and rolled it. Which makes it even worse. It's still really sore to step on, but I can put weight on it which is good. Anytime I'm not walking around, I'm icing it.
So now I have to get my car fixed, which is more money straight down the tubes. I'm also probably going to drop the class I have that actually requires me to show up because I can't even do that much, once a week, which is a waste of a couple thousand dollars of tuition. I feel like I'm hemorrhaging money and not working enough to make up for it.
Today, I feel downright horrible. I thought I had hit my rock bottom a few weeks ago, but I think that I was only close and am just now hitting it. Or beginning to hit it.
Something that's been going around in my mind is that I don't have much of a future. I can't make it through grad school. I can hardly function on any kind of a normal level. How can I possibly make it into a career in Federal Law Enforcement when I have so much going against me? I really hit the nail on the head tonight, talking to Tiffany, briefly, when I told her that I thought that if I couldn't have a relationship or marriage and be a mom, that at least I'd have a career, and that's what kept me going. Now I feel entirely lost. I feel as though I have lost all direction. All. Direction. I don't even know what to do now. I feel like I have nothing left to keep me going at all.
I don't feel like writing anymore. It's just making me even more sad, and I don't know if I can deal with feeling any more despair.
While we were there, we went fishing at Lost Lake. The trail down there is 4x4 and not super easy to get through, but my car really did just fine. It was the downed trees that made it more difficult. As I was trying to maneuver in and out of a spot off of the trail, I hit two different trees (one on the way in and one on the way out). I dented both of the front quarter panels on my car, the one on the passenger side so badly that the passenger door gets stuck opening. Just like on my old car. And I've had my car just over 2 months now. This just makes me think about how right my dad has always been about me - that I'm irresponsible and careless and that I don't deserve to have something nice, like a new car. I'm just like my older sister. It also didn't help that apparently someone was angry that I wasn't able to get all the way off the trail with my car, and went to the trouble of taking a chainsaw to another downed tree and throwing the pieces on the trail behind my car. Luckily we were with boys and they were able to move the logs for me.
Then, while we were fishing, I tried to hop from one rock to another at the lake, and I landed on my right foot, which totally buckled underneath me and sprained. I also landed in the water, but that wasn't the shitty part. The shitty part is that I paid to have my ankle fixed in January, lots of money, and I just ruined it in a millisecond of carelessness. As we were unloading the car when we got home, I then rolled the same ankle, not in a misstep, not stepping on a stone, not stepping down off a curb, nothing. I was just walking normally, and rolled it. Which makes it even worse. It's still really sore to step on, but I can put weight on it which is good. Anytime I'm not walking around, I'm icing it.
So now I have to get my car fixed, which is more money straight down the tubes. I'm also probably going to drop the class I have that actually requires me to show up because I can't even do that much, once a week, which is a waste of a couple thousand dollars of tuition. I feel like I'm hemorrhaging money and not working enough to make up for it.
Today, I feel downright horrible. I thought I had hit my rock bottom a few weeks ago, but I think that I was only close and am just now hitting it. Or beginning to hit it.
Something that's been going around in my mind is that I don't have much of a future. I can't make it through grad school. I can hardly function on any kind of a normal level. How can I possibly make it into a career in Federal Law Enforcement when I have so much going against me? I really hit the nail on the head tonight, talking to Tiffany, briefly, when I told her that I thought that if I couldn't have a relationship or marriage and be a mom, that at least I'd have a career, and that's what kept me going. Now I feel entirely lost. I feel as though I have lost all direction. All. Direction. I don't even know what to do now. I feel like I have nothing left to keep me going at all.
I don't feel like writing anymore. It's just making me even more sad, and I don't know if I can deal with feeling any more despair.
Oh BooBoo! You are not wrong for feeling any of this, but it's super sucky.
ReplyDeleteFederal law enforcement might be perfect because imagine the sweet health insurance plan you'd get with that gig! Keep a psychiatrist on retainer and then when these episodes come up (sorry if that is bad wording) they can help you get it knocked out. Ba-bam! I know, easier said than done.
I'm going a little out on a limb here, but maybe your dad doesn't really think all those things, or at least not in the negative way you posed them. (You're not wrong for feeling this way or writing anything, but I want you to know no one else thinks you suck.) The things that happened with your car and your ankle are not great, but what's the alternative? Live a safe, careful life? C'mon, you're more fun than that, and it doesn't make you a bad person or bad at life. It makes you want to enjoy and experience life.
Would you just move to Florida so I can hug you?? I know I know, it wouldn't be my part of fl anyway. But you could go camping and never be cold.
I'm hoping tomorrow is better without any alcohol in your system. Please keep writing. I love you. xoxo