If yesterday was black, today was a very light gray. I felt quite a bit better today compared to yesterday. It might have had to do with the fact that I didn't drink anything alcoholic at all yesterday, it may not.
Last night, I think I wrote that I took my last Klonopin when I got home from work and it knocked me out. It didn't so much help shut my brain off as it just put me to sleep. And when I woke up, I didn't feel any better at all. So later last night, I remembered that I still had some Vicodin left over from the injections I had in my legs a few weeks ago, so I thought I'd try taking one of those. And it worked wonders. I finally felt relaxed, quieted, and calmed. I was able to fall asleep, and I slept WELL. I don't even remember dreaming, really, which is often something that attempts to drag me back into sleep. I woke up this morning and felt awake and alive and clean - like I wasn't being bogged down by my brain and my thought processes; like they weren't clouding my mood.
It took me about an hour and a half, but I even managed to not just make it TO the gym, but I worked out! For an hour! I did 30 minutes of my usual cardio (incline intervals on the treadmill since I can't run), and then about 30 minutes of weights (very light) and core work. I did everything very minimally compared to what I'd like to have done, but I also felt like if I pushed myself too hard, I'd regret it later. Afterward, I thought I was going to either vomit or fall right down. Maybe even both. I don't know if that was the Vicodin last night or the lack of energy since I hadn't eaten, or what. So when I got home I forced fed myself a packet of instant oatmeal and then promptly fell asleep on the couch, snuggled in blankets because I was freezing, with Jumanji on the TV. When I woke up I felt much better, and made myself some eggs and green beans (weird combination but that's what sounded good to me), and actually had enough energy to do all of the homework for one of my classes. So at least I don't have to worry about that tomorrow. Then I fell back to sleep again for a little while.
When I woke up, Meredi was making me a pre-birthday dinner, and Braden and Julia were on their way over for it. We sat around and had some good conversation and a delicious meal - salmon with rosemary and peppercorns, steamed asparagus and oven roasted red potatoes - and Julia had brought over donuts for dessert so I had two of those. Braden brought me a nice bottle of wine - pinot noir - and a purple sparkly card that made me smile. It was a nice little night.
Tomorrow, I plan to sleep until I wake up on my own, go work out, and then head over to my parents house to make my birthday cake (don't think they're making me make my own cake, it's just that my cakes are pretty fantastic and I want to do it myself), and stay for dinner. My little sister is coming down and now my older sister and her kids live there (again), so it will be a big, full house. I'm not really looking forward to that part of the day too much, though, because in all honesty, I'd like to just not have to do anything else. I feel almost like I'm obligated to go celebrate my birthday with my family for THEM, and not really for me. I don't really want them to do anything special for me, or go out of their way for me because I won't appreciate it the way I would if I were feeling well. I love my family, very much, and I want them to know how important they are to me and how wonderful it is that they do something nice for me on my birthday, and I just won't get out of it right now what I could if I were feeling better. If that makes sense. It's not that I'm not thrilled to be able to live life and be a part of this world, and that I don't even grasp that the pain and crap that I'm feeling right now is just a part of life and that it will eventually fade. I just want to have my birthday when I can enjoy it and appreciate it, and tomorrow is not that day.
While I'm glad that I felt better today, I hate that it took some kind of medication to jolt my brain into stopping the ridiculous cycle it was stuck in. It's not fair that my brain malfunctions so terribly when there are people like Meredi whose brains allow them to have energy to live life on a daily basis. I'm pretty envious of that.
I'm really proud of myself for both going to the gym and for getting half my homework done today. That took an incredible amount of stamina and energy, and I don't know where it came from. If I had felt today the way I felt yesterday, I'd have done nothing but lie in bed all day. In fact, I still could tomorrow, though I really hope that I don't. I like how I feel after accomplishing things.
I also made an appointment with a new trainer for this week. Tiffany has worked with this trainer before and she's back to working with him again, and it just makes sense to me to see someone that will push me really hard to do the things I know that I'm physically capable of doing, though not on my own. I need a motivator. He also prepares meal plans for his clients and that is something I may struggle with, depending on my medication situation after I see the psychiatrist on Monday.
What really helps me want to make a drastic change are before and after pictures of people who have done the work, and this trainer sent Tiff a picture of one of his clients (a girl I knew back in elementary school as it turns out), and she lost 57lbs in around 4 months with this guy. I need to lose about 50lbs to get back to where I want to be, and where I think I should be, so if it only takes 4 months, I'd like to think I can do that. At least I think that today. I don't know about tomorrow. But I mentioned to Tiffany that I felt like my biggest concern was going to be sticking with it. Her response I felt was totally brilliant and completely in the vein that I need to be really working on right now: "Don't think that far." So I need to make that my mantra. I need to really work extremely hard at looking as far into the future as the end of the next day, maximum, except for things that require planning, like the camping trip next weekend. If I can't get out of the habit of projecting too far into the future, I'm going to have lots of days like I had yesterday, and that's not good for anyone at all.
Also, I need to stay away from alcohol I think. It's really difficult when everyone around you is drinking, like tonight. Luckily I had some substitute beverages on hand that did the trick for me (carbonated waters are great for tricking the brain into thinking its drinking soda). Staying away from alcohol will be great for my body and my mind for awhile. Normally I'd go into the consequences of this for next weekend when we're camping since drinking is WHAT YOU DO when you camp, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. If I can get a decent amount of my homework done during the week this week and not have to worry about it next weekend, I may be able to avoid the ensuing day-long anxiety attack. SEE?!?! I can't even do it for a minute - not project very far into the future! This is going to be a really tough habit to break.
Anyway, I want to go to bed. I'm still feeling pretty darn relaxed and I worry that if it takes too long for me to get to sleep, that will change.
I also don't think this is one of my better posts. Things are much more compelling when I feel like absolute shit.
Last night, I think I wrote that I took my last Klonopin when I got home from work and it knocked me out. It didn't so much help shut my brain off as it just put me to sleep. And when I woke up, I didn't feel any better at all. So later last night, I remembered that I still had some Vicodin left over from the injections I had in my legs a few weeks ago, so I thought I'd try taking one of those. And it worked wonders. I finally felt relaxed, quieted, and calmed. I was able to fall asleep, and I slept WELL. I don't even remember dreaming, really, which is often something that attempts to drag me back into sleep. I woke up this morning and felt awake and alive and clean - like I wasn't being bogged down by my brain and my thought processes; like they weren't clouding my mood.
It took me about an hour and a half, but I even managed to not just make it TO the gym, but I worked out! For an hour! I did 30 minutes of my usual cardio (incline intervals on the treadmill since I can't run), and then about 30 minutes of weights (very light) and core work. I did everything very minimally compared to what I'd like to have done, but I also felt like if I pushed myself too hard, I'd regret it later. Afterward, I thought I was going to either vomit or fall right down. Maybe even both. I don't know if that was the Vicodin last night or the lack of energy since I hadn't eaten, or what. So when I got home I forced fed myself a packet of instant oatmeal and then promptly fell asleep on the couch, snuggled in blankets because I was freezing, with Jumanji on the TV. When I woke up I felt much better, and made myself some eggs and green beans (weird combination but that's what sounded good to me), and actually had enough energy to do all of the homework for one of my classes. So at least I don't have to worry about that tomorrow. Then I fell back to sleep again for a little while.
When I woke up, Meredi was making me a pre-birthday dinner, and Braden and Julia were on their way over for it. We sat around and had some good conversation and a delicious meal - salmon with rosemary and peppercorns, steamed asparagus and oven roasted red potatoes - and Julia had brought over donuts for dessert so I had two of those. Braden brought me a nice bottle of wine - pinot noir - and a purple sparkly card that made me smile. It was a nice little night.
Tomorrow, I plan to sleep until I wake up on my own, go work out, and then head over to my parents house to make my birthday cake (don't think they're making me make my own cake, it's just that my cakes are pretty fantastic and I want to do it myself), and stay for dinner. My little sister is coming down and now my older sister and her kids live there (again), so it will be a big, full house. I'm not really looking forward to that part of the day too much, though, because in all honesty, I'd like to just not have to do anything else. I feel almost like I'm obligated to go celebrate my birthday with my family for THEM, and not really for me. I don't really want them to do anything special for me, or go out of their way for me because I won't appreciate it the way I would if I were feeling well. I love my family, very much, and I want them to know how important they are to me and how wonderful it is that they do something nice for me on my birthday, and I just won't get out of it right now what I could if I were feeling better. If that makes sense. It's not that I'm not thrilled to be able to live life and be a part of this world, and that I don't even grasp that the pain and crap that I'm feeling right now is just a part of life and that it will eventually fade. I just want to have my birthday when I can enjoy it and appreciate it, and tomorrow is not that day.
While I'm glad that I felt better today, I hate that it took some kind of medication to jolt my brain into stopping the ridiculous cycle it was stuck in. It's not fair that my brain malfunctions so terribly when there are people like Meredi whose brains allow them to have energy to live life on a daily basis. I'm pretty envious of that.
I'm really proud of myself for both going to the gym and for getting half my homework done today. That took an incredible amount of stamina and energy, and I don't know where it came from. If I had felt today the way I felt yesterday, I'd have done nothing but lie in bed all day. In fact, I still could tomorrow, though I really hope that I don't. I like how I feel after accomplishing things.
I also made an appointment with a new trainer for this week. Tiffany has worked with this trainer before and she's back to working with him again, and it just makes sense to me to see someone that will push me really hard to do the things I know that I'm physically capable of doing, though not on my own. I need a motivator. He also prepares meal plans for his clients and that is something I may struggle with, depending on my medication situation after I see the psychiatrist on Monday.
What really helps me want to make a drastic change are before and after pictures of people who have done the work, and this trainer sent Tiff a picture of one of his clients (a girl I knew back in elementary school as it turns out), and she lost 57lbs in around 4 months with this guy. I need to lose about 50lbs to get back to where I want to be, and where I think I should be, so if it only takes 4 months, I'd like to think I can do that. At least I think that today. I don't know about tomorrow. But I mentioned to Tiffany that I felt like my biggest concern was going to be sticking with it. Her response I felt was totally brilliant and completely in the vein that I need to be really working on right now: "Don't think that far." So I need to make that my mantra. I need to really work extremely hard at looking as far into the future as the end of the next day, maximum, except for things that require planning, like the camping trip next weekend. If I can't get out of the habit of projecting too far into the future, I'm going to have lots of days like I had yesterday, and that's not good for anyone at all.
Also, I need to stay away from alcohol I think. It's really difficult when everyone around you is drinking, like tonight. Luckily I had some substitute beverages on hand that did the trick for me (carbonated waters are great for tricking the brain into thinking its drinking soda). Staying away from alcohol will be great for my body and my mind for awhile. Normally I'd go into the consequences of this for next weekend when we're camping since drinking is WHAT YOU DO when you camp, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. If I can get a decent amount of my homework done during the week this week and not have to worry about it next weekend, I may be able to avoid the ensuing day-long anxiety attack. SEE?!?! I can't even do it for a minute - not project very far into the future! This is going to be a really tough habit to break.
Anyway, I want to go to bed. I'm still feeling pretty darn relaxed and I worry that if it takes too long for me to get to sleep, that will change.
I also don't think this is one of my better posts. Things are much more compelling when I feel like absolute shit.
"I also don't think that this is one of my better posts."
ReplyDeleteMay I respectfully ask that you not judge your writing? Confession: This is a bit (ok, a lot) hypocritical of me, since I judge *everything* that I do, and if I come up short, I mercilessly beat myself up. But if your writing helps you articulate and clarify what's going on in your life, hasn't it served its purpose? Whether it's "good" or not - and a discussion of what standards you're judging it by is a whole different conversation - is irrelevant. And if your blog posts help others feel less alone in their struggle with mental health issues - which I know they do - then that's a meaningful bonus.
Again, many thanks for writing.