Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Garfield Hates Mondays and So Do I

Let's see.  Today, I saw my psychiatrist again.  I must stress how satisfied I am with the treatment I am getting from this lady.  She's pretty great.  She asks me insightful questions and prods me for information, and even if she doesn't really, she seems to genuinely care.  She's having me up my Pristiq dosage to double what I've been on, so we'll see if maybe my anxiety goes away entirely.  I'll be honest, I didn't want to go in to see her because of how much effort it would take, but I went anyway, and I'm really glad I did.  Also I didn't have to pay for parking because today was Veteran's Day (thanks, Veterans!).

When I spend a whole day in the house, not really doing much or interacting with people, I feel the need to further isolate.  It's much harder to get out and do stuff when Phoenix is the only being I've really spoken actual verbal words to all day.  I guess that's why it's even more important that on those days I do go out and do something, even if it is something small.

I did exchange texts and IMs with most of my important people today.  I talked with Tiffany a bit, who is going through a rough patch and we agreed to try to check in with one another daily and come up with three positive things about the day to tell each other, which is an idea I got from Colorado Kate (I think I wrote about it...).  I'm hoping that it keeps me at least a little accountable for attempting to try to have a positive attitude.  It's a lot harder to come up with three positive things than one might thing, but it's worth a shot.  She mentioned that she has to stick out teaching third grade until May, because she'd much rather be at home, and I told her that I have to wait until at least May to make any kind of big life decisions.  After thinking really hard and carefully about making a cross-country move to Florida after breaking up with The Ex, that wouldn't even happen until my little sister is able to graduate college because she said she'd come with me.  It sure would beat going alone.  Plus I have to try to stay in school to keep insurance coverage.  And maybe get an internship.  Either way, I think that's a good timeline to set for myself because it doesn't put a lot of pressure on me to make any big decisions that I'm not capable of making right now.  It allows me plenty of time to think about all of my options and try to get better and feel better and not be impulsive and end up doing the wrong thing.

I very briefly talked to Colorado Kate, who has divulged to me that this weekend she's going to St. Louis (where her sister's family is) with her fiancee and dog to elope.  Her parents are flying in to be there and it's going to be a close family affair.  It makes me extremely happy to know that they're doing something like that, which will make them both very, very happy, but it makes me really sad that I won't get to be there to be a part of it.  She's been a close friend of mine for a good couple of years now.  We met when we were both working at Keller Williams almost 5 years ago and we got very close after she invited me on a camping trip two and a half years ago.  She's been there for me through a lot of emotional crap - including my year-long writing project - and I want to be there for her for something very special.  However, she's chosen to have it just be a family thing, none of her close friends will be there, and I have to respect and understand that.  I know that it's nothing personal, and I just want her to be happy.  It just sucks a little.

After my psychiatrist appointment, I stopped by my parents house to catch up with them for a few minutes.  They had a problem today because they let their cell phone bill (which includes both parents and both sisters) get pretty out of hand and then couldn't really pay it in full and all their phones got shut off.  I offered to pay it for them, or at least a portion of it, but they wouldn't let me.  They ended up spending money they'd been saving for Christmas for it.  I thought maybe if I actually went over there they might let me help them with it, but by the time I got there, they had already spend the Christmas money on it.  Either way, I got to see them for about half an hour, talk to them about Ethan and everything else adult that I never get to talk to them about when the kids are around, and then hung out until the kids got there so I could get some good hugs and kisses.  Which was wonderful.  Sometimes I wonder if hearing them tell me they love me and give me hugs and kisses would be a permanent cure for my mental illness.

After seeing my parents, I met Ethan at a bar where he was having drinks with his coworkers, and hung out there with them for a few hours.  That was my first outing with any of his people - he's only been hanging out with my people so far, so I'm glad I had the opportunity to do that.  He lost a bet last week over his fantasy football team and had to wear a bowtie and suspenders to work today and ended up getting crazy compliments on how great he looked - and I'll even admit that one of the pictures he had taken makes him look kind of like a model.  Which is freaking awesome.  Being physically attracted to someone I am dating is really important to me, and I'm at that point with Ethan and it feels really good.  I remember feeling that way on one occasion with The Ex....

On a different note, something that struck me today was a post by this lady that I've recently been following on Facebook, for the blog she writes called The Klonopin Chronicles.  She's been diagnosed Bipolar and is dealing with the breakup of her marriage and she writes about it on her blog.  She's quite brilliant as far as I'm concerned - her writing is full of profanity and it makes me feel like maybe without three kids and an alcoholic husband, my life isn't so terribly confusing.  Anyway, she posted this today:
and it really spoke to me, because that is EXACTLY how I feel on my days off.  It's super confusing because I feel like I'd go crazy if I had to work 5 straight days a week, but at the same time, the days when I have nothing to do are the days I feel the most lost and nutso.  Obviously I'm not getting divorced but I feel the same way when I've been busy for awhile and then suddenly have nothing going on.  Maybe days off for me are a bad thing?  It's really hard to say.  I was doing pretty well when I was at The Registry three days a week and then at Hapa for the other two.

I had a moment tonight when I felt the flare and passion for forensic science and death investigation tonight when I was explaining to Ethan my experience with NecroSearch, and my interests and ideas for internships and fleetingly remembered where my actual passion lies.  And it has nothing to do with getting my stupid Masters degree in Criminal Justice.  But if I could secure an internship somewhere, especially somewhere that interests me, I might have an actual chance at finishing my graduate degree and getting a job in the field of my choice.

I must drink too much because I can never remember what else I've written about on this blog...

My new therapist mentioned to me that I'm experiencing a huge loss with the realization that I might not be able to find a job in my field of interest.  I haven't really given it a ton of thought, but today I did think about it a little more, and especially after going into it for Ethan, I remember what it is and why I love it and it makes me realize what a big loss I feel.  The idea of going into that field has always excited me, and the idea of being stuck in a job - just a job, not a career - makes me absolutely miserable.  Which is what school is doing to me.  Training me for a job.

I'm rambling yet again.  Talking myself in circles and not really getting anywhere.

My positives for the day:
-I actually went to my psychiatrist appointment.  And I wasn't even late even though I showed up to the wrong place.
-I didn't sleep past 9am.  11am is just way too late to sleep for someone my age on a day off.  For some reason.
-I spent a good portion of my day snuggling with my adorable puppy.
-I got to see Ethan.  He's a good influence on me and my mood.  So far, anyway.
-I got to see my nephews and niece and got hugs and kisses from them.  Which are like magic.
-I watched a slew of videos of dogs reacting to their owners in the military coming back from an overseas tour.  Laughed and cried tears of joy because it was so cute and sweet.
-I had a good hair day after I showered.
-I got to watch Bones, Friends AND 30 Rock.  And I remembered why I love all three of these TV shows.

That's it for today.  For more on The Klonopin Chronicles: http://theklonopinchronicles.blogspot.com/

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