Monday, November 4, 2013

Yet Another Bad Day

What I would love, is to be tranquilized, heavily, and to sleep until I feel better.  When I have days like today, I feel like I'll never feel good again.  Never feel normal again.

I drank a lot yesterday; that was a mistake.  This is the second time during this episode that I've awakened the day after imbibing too much alcohol and felt quite miserable.  I went to sleep by 11 last night and woke up at 2:30am feeling pretty crappy.  Nauseous and anxious and restless.  I felt like I very suddenly, though I was sleeping, could not hold still.   I then chugged a full Nalgene bottle of water, and laid still in bed watching TV until I felt sleepy again.  Luckily it only took me until about 4am.

When I woke up at 9am I felt pretty much the same, but a little calmer.  The first thing I did was go to get my newest prescription for more Ativan filled.  When I dropped it off the pharmacist told me it would only take about 30 minutes, but I never got a text from the pharmacy (that I usually get) saying it was ready.  I felt so anxious I could hardly stand it.  When I went back home I watched TV for a couple of hours trying to just get out of my head and calm down, and fell asleep at about noon.  When I woke up at 3, I again felt like I could not hold still.  My heart felt like it was pounding - not racing - really hard, and I still felt nauseous.  I went back to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, only to have them tell me that insurance says I can't fill a new prescription for it until tomorrow.  I walked around the store for a few minutes, trying to find something to grab that might help me to feel like I had something to look forward to, no matter how small.

I knew when I woke up today that I had three things that I should try to get done today: 1.) The rest of the October billing for Peggy, 2.) Send out purchases for work because they normally go out on the 3rd but the 3rd was yesterday, and 3.) Last week's homework assignment because I didn't do it last night.  It was like all I could think about all day long was how much I had to do, but how badly I didn't want to do any of it, but how I needed to get it done.  It was like the anticipation of having something - so many things - to do was just eating away at me, and yet I could not work up the energy or the motivation to do any of it.  Peggy emailed me at 3:30 asking when I was going to finish her October billing, so when I got home from the store, I just buckled down to get it finished.

Even though I got that much done, managed to chip away at what I needed to get done, I felt no relief at all.  I still felt - still feel - incredibly stressed out.  Like I can't handle what I need to do.  It's such a helpless feeling.  What I imagine drowning feels like, I suppose.  As though I can't grab anything to hold on to, in order to steady myself, or pull myself out of the water.  So out of control.

I'm not sure what is worse.  Feeling anxiety like this, or feeling sad the way I've been feeling.  Though they both make me feel terrible, each feeling makes me feel terrible in a completely different way.  I don't ever remember feeling this anxious ever, before, in my whole life.  At least not for such an extended period of time.  No doubt the anxiety I'm feeling today should at least begin to dissipate by tomorrow, but for now I feel very stuck.  It's a horrible feeling, and it makes me absolutely miserable.  Like I'm trapped, and there's nothing I can do about it.  And I cannot get out of my head.  I can't stop the thoughts that make me feel so incredibly inadequate, like no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to do what needs to be done.  And the thoughts just keep coming and coming.  I can't stop them.  I feel simply paralyzed.  The worse the anxiety gets, the harder it is for me to pull myself out of it.

I don't want to keep taking the Ativan when I feel like this.  I am not dependent upon it but I know that it does give me some relief when I need it, and that's a pretty valuable thing on days like this one, but I so worry that taking it, or relying on it, will prevent me from making any progress and being able to just tough it out the way I was forced to today.  I understand that I have the prescription just for when I feel like this, but I so worry that I will become dependent upon it and I so don't want to be.

I just want to feel like I can relax, and like I am capable of actually getting the things done that I need to get done.  And not being able to achieve that relaxation is just one more source of intense stress.  It just makes me feel worse.

I said it before but I feel so utterly helpless right now.  I don't know how to fix myself, and I can't bring myself to fulfill the obligations I have, which I keep thinking will help me to feel better.  The only thing I feel capable of doing is curling up into a ball on my bed.  But I can't even hold still long enough to do that.

The thought of having to go into work tomorrow makes me want to just vomit.  Thinking about how much I have to take care of, how much I have to do, seems almost entirely impossible.  Which again, just makes me feel worse.

I also feel like I'm not even writing about my honest feelings on here lately.  I feel like I am hiding so much of my true feelings because I fear my audience.  I haven't written that my involvement with my friend Ethan has gone further than friendship and I haven't written about my massive apprehension about it because I am trying hard not to over think everything.  I'm trying to just let his feelings for me be something wonderful in my otherwise current shitty existence.  I'm finding that it's much harder not to fight against my apprehension than I would have imagined.  Normally I just freak out, let myself freak out and run away.  I had to try really hard to let things just happen with The Ex, and even though it didn't work out in the end, I feel like not running away when I wanted to was a good thing.  Ethan is not my normal type, and he knows it.  I've told him.  But I haven't found success with my normal types anyway, so I'm trying to just go with it.  Let things progress with him.  Let him be nice and sweet to me.  But I'm really struggling with that.  And it's just one more thing on top of everything else that is stressing me out.  Unfortunately it's so easy to grab on to someone that cares and talks to me that I worry that I'm grabbing on just because of that.  And that's not fair to him.  But the thing is that I don't actually know what I'm doing because I'm trying so hard to just let it happen.

My face is broken out from stress and I can't seem to stop touching it which is just making it worse.  My neck and back hurt and are so tense all the time.  I can't seem to get my shoulders to relax.  The tooth I have the crown on needs a root canal but that's a $600 expense that I can't justify even though it hurts an awful lot most of the time.  I think my body is fighting off whatever cold is going around and I'm just bound to get really sick any day now.  I'm just uncomfortable in every possible aspect of my life and I don't know how to maneuver so that I feel any kind of comfort at all.  I feel like I'm headed towards a breaking point instead of making any significant progress.  It's two steps forward and then one step back, all the time.

I also feel like I very suddenly don't have any of my close friends at my back anymore.  I haven't talked to either Kate very much at all, and Tiffany has been at Disney World and now that she's teaching she doesn't have the time to talk to me very much.  Colorado Kate has expressed to me recently that because I struggle so much and so consistently that it brings her down, so I have stopped reaching out to her.  Other BFF Kate has an awful lot going on in her life and she doesn't do emotional crap very well and so I don't really reach out to her because she's not super receptive.  Even though I went over to my parents house on Saturday, I haven't really talked with them about anything.

I just feel so lost and so alone.  I wish I could find anything positive to focus my energy on for any significant amount of time.  And I'm confused because so much of the time I want to just be left alone by everyone but at the same time I want people to pay attention to me and help me feel like what I'm going through isn't going to actually kill me.

I don't know what to do.  At all.  I don't know how to resume any kind of normal function.  I feel like when I am trying so hard to be positive and make progress and take steps to feel better that I'm just covering up how I actually feel deep down which is mostly completely hopeless.  I have a lot of trouble just being honest with myself, I think.  When I am, I am just plain sad about it.

I gotta stop writing.  I feel like I'm just writing myself in circles and not doing myself any good.  And I sort of want to lay back down and do nothing for at least a little while longer before I force myself into unconsciousness.  Maybe I will be able to turn my brain off long enough to actually fall asleep.  

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