Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Just Some Wishes

Today is one of those days where all the shitty stuff and all of the evil of the world feels like a personal affront on me.  I feel just plain sad.  No other words to describe it, really.  I haven't written in...what, 4 days?  Let's see....I was out late getting plastered one night and couldn't even sit myself up let alone write by the time I got home.  The night after that, I got sick at my parents house and wanted to not move for fear of throwing up and had no intention of writing.  The other nights I think Ethan came over and I just didn't write.  Ethan spends the night a lot, even though he doesn't sleep well at my house.  I can relate - I never sleep well at the other person's place at the beginning of a relationship.  And I've pretty much insisted that we stay at my house all the time because his house is too quiet.  No cable, no internet.  The cacaphony in my head in all that silence might make my head actually explode, I fear.  That's why when I come home from work, on goes the TV.  Or some music.  I may not even be watching it, might be only half-listening to it, but it helps me not listen to all the crap in my head, or at least not focus on it, not pay attention to it.

Yesterday, my surrogate mom posted pictures on Facebook of her snorkeling off Cancun with manta rays and whale sharks, and it made my heart hurt deep, deep down.  I so long for the ocean.  I long to be able to go out on a boat and get in the water and swim with the creatures and explore whats beneath the surface.  I mean, that's mostly why I took the scuba class in the first place!  Anyway, looking at those pictures got me thinking about moving away from Colorado again, and where I would go and what I would do if I left.  Which then got me thinking about what I'm going to do about school, and how I can possibly continue it, feeling the way I feel about it.  I have so much pure hatred for it that even the simplest tasks for the one measly class I'm taking are absolutely monumental.  I would rather swallow a handful of rusty razors than do this schoolwork.  I would rather trudge up a snowy mountain with Ethan than do this work, and I hate snow and am not a fan of hiking.  But I feel like I'd at least be accomplishing something, where with school, I feel like even finishing this class, I'm nowhere closer to an end-point, or a goal.  I'm still just an accountant in the corporate office of a restaurant.  Doing nothing close to what I'm passionate about, or what gets my blood pumping.

Today, I've been wishing that instead of this stupid, awful depression - that gets very little respect in the medical community, is attached to a stigma wherein anyone that has it simply isn't trying hard enough to get better or feel better or be better, is attached to a stigma that presupposes that the person with depression is just lazy, or stubborn, and can't problem-solve their way out of the chasm in which they've settled - that I had a real disease that people will donate to for a cure, that people will run or walk or march for so that they can wipe it off the face of the planet, like breast cancer, or Hodgkins Lymphoma like two people I actually KNOW.  People who don't deserve to have to go through the horrors of chemo therapy, and being sick and having poison intravenously pumped into their bodies with the hopes that they will continue to live, when here I am, miserable anyway for no good reason.  I'd happily take their cancer and put it into my body because I'm suffering anyway.  Why not give me an illness that actually gives me cause to be sad and hopeless instead of this ridiculous affliction where my stupid neurotransmitters are out of whack.  These people's bodies are actually attacking themselves, and they remain hopeful, positive and in good spirits.  They don't deserve it, and I feel like I do.  I wish I had a REAL reason to be unhappy.

I wrote all of that earlier today when I needed a break at work.  I am not feeling quite as blue now that the day is pretty much over, but I'm really glad I got all that out right when I was feeling it.  I don't think I would have been able to capture the way I felt as well tonight.

I don't think I'm going to be able to keep up writing every day, as much as I'd like to.  I'm still going to try to write as much as possible, but I'm not going to hold myself to writing every single day.  There are just some days when I don't feel like writing, or don't feel like I have anything to write about, or I'm just too tired.  I definitely wish I had more opportunities to write at work because that's often when the most intense feelings wash over me and there's not much I can do about it.  Maybe I will try and make a point of taking a break to write briefly when I can when I'm feeling really badly if I can.

Anyway.  That's it for today I guess.

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