Monday, November 8, 2010

Abominable: awful, detestable

There are actually three different types of ADHD, each with different symptoms: predominantly inattentive, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive and combined. 

Those with the predominantly inattentive type often:
  • fail to pay close attention to details or make careless mistakes in schoolwork, work or other activities;
  • have difficulty sustaining attention to tasks or leisure activities;
  • do not seem to listen when spoken to directly;
  • do not follow through on instructions and fail to finish schoolwork, chores or duties in the workplace;
  • have difficulty organizing tasks and activities;
  • avoid, dislike or are reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort;
  • lose things necessary for tasks or activities;
  • are easily distracted by extraneous stimuli; and/or
  • are forgetful in daily activities.
Those with the predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type often:
  • fidget with their hands or feet or squirm in their seat;
  • leave their seat in situations in which remaining seated is expected;
  • move excessively or feel restless during situations in which such behavior is inappropriate;
  • have difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly;
  • are "on the go" or act as if "driven by a motor";
  • talk excessively;
  • blurt out answers before questions have been completed;
  • have difficulty awaiting their turn; and/or
  • interrupt or intrude on others.
Those with the combined type, the most common type of ADHD, have a combination of the inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive symptoms.*

It's been emphasized to me that it would make this blog more worthwhile and interesting and helpful to me and to my readers to request more comments from those of you reading, if you have them.  Comments, questions, thoughts, opinions, anything.  A lot of you will give me feedback individually and privately, and while I don't mind that one bit, I think it would be useful to me and to all of you to leave comments so that others can get involved in problem-solving and discussions.  So please, if you have something to say, leave it on here!

I don't know what makes me more exhausted - fighting the amount of stress that I feel like is drowning me, or just letting it wash over me and feeling hopeless and helpless to do anything.  I had therapy today, and I found it to be extremely helpful.  We even did a relaxing (as in to relax, not the act of being relaxed) exercise that is very similar to meditating, and I left feeling as though I were carrying around less weight for the first time in a couple of weeks.  But upon walking into the house, the tranquil feeling dissipated immediately.  My sister walks by me and goes "look at your potatoes."  I had started 4 potatoes baking in the oven for dinner before I left for therapy, and I went right on the defensive, assuming that after I left, no one ("no one" being my dad and sister who were both home the entire time I was gone) cared to check on the potatoes and they were burned or caught fire.  I looked in the oven and one of the potatoes had exploded.  Yes, I poked them to create spots for steam to escape.  Apparently my dad opened the oven to check their progress and poking the potato, it just exploded.  All over the oven.  Which I am now responsible for cleaning up.  On top of that, my dad had not even started frying the fish we were to be eating, and the sink was full of dishes and the dishwasher was clean but had not been unloaded.  When I come home from work and I see the sink full of dishes, I automatically assume the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, and I make sure to do it before my mom gets home from work because if it does not get done, she becomes furious.  While my dad has been home (not traveling for work), I have been asking him and reminding him to clean up the kitchen each day, and it never gets done.  My mom comes home to splenda wrappers and splenda all over the counter by the coffee maker, a sink full of dirty dishes, newspapers spread across the kitchen table, the counters full of crumbs and other crap and a dishwasher full of clean dishes.  I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why my dad will not unload the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen each day while he is home (and I know he's home because I am driving his truck).  If nothing else, I would drag my sorry ass out of my deathbed to do that if I knew it would result in preventing my mother from speed-walking around the house in a furor.

Between that and the amount of anxiety I'm feeling about my job situation, I feel like I've been hit by a bus.  Several times.  I can't even think about the other things in my life that are causing me trepidation right now.  I want to go to bed, and stay under the covers until something changes.  I feel like I'm walking around with an enormous boulder on my shoulders that I can't put down, no matter how hard I try.

I'm even pretty much past the point of crying.  I've been on the verge of tears all day long, but have yet to cry.  I feel like I can take as many deep breaths as possible but I still can't get any air.

I really want to get studying for my interview and tests on Wednesday but I can't concentrate on anything long enough to get anything meaningful out of it.  I will have to do my very best to do it tomorrow after work.

I told my mom that this house is toxic.  It's true, I feel like it is slowly destroying me, bit by bit.  And I am stuck here.  Stuck, immovable, though not for lack of want to change.  I'm tired of feeling like I don't know what to do.

*"NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | Mental Illnesses." NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy. Web. 08 Nov. 2010. <>.


  1. As promised:

    "At the farthest edge of fetal-origins research, scientists are exploring the possibility that intrauterine conditions influence not only our physical health but also our intelligence, temperament, even our sanity. It could even be the case that a pregnant woman's emotional state influences her offspring's later susceptibility to mental illness. 'We know that some people have genetic predispositions to conditions like depression and anxiety,' Monk says, Assistant professor of psychiatry at Columbia University. 'And we know that being raised by a parent with mental illness can increase the risk of mental illness in the offspring. It may be that the intrauterine environment is a third pathway by which mental illness is passed down in families.' At Monk's lab, pregnant women who are depressed or anxious and pregnant women with normal moods are hooked up to devices that measure their respiration, heart rate, blood pressure and nervous system arousal, as well as the movements and heart rate of their fetuses, and then subjected to challenging mental exercises. All of the women show physiological signs of stress in response to the tests, but only the fetuses of depressed or anxious women display disturbances of their own. 'This difference suggests that these fetuses are already more sensitive to stress,' Monk says. Perhaps that's because of a genetic predisposition inherited from the parents. Or it could be because the fetuses' nervous systems are already being shaped by their mothers' emotional states.' This kind of research is pushing back the starting line for when we become who we are."

  2. "The Womb. Your Mother. Yourself." by Annie Murphy Paul. Time Magazine. October 2010.