Just About The Best Day, Ever

Today was completely fabulous!  It pretty much started at about 2am, when Phoenix kicked me in the face in his sleep.  His back foot to my left eye.  I saw stars.  I tried to go back to sleep but my stress over starting school and perhaps being unprepared was keeping me awake, so I got up and got started on my online Criminology course.  I finished the first assignment (a discussion thread with individual introductions of each of the students in the class) before 4am.  I was able to snooze for awhile before my alarm went off, and having done some work helped me feel more relaxed.  I got up at 6am, washed my hair and got ready for work and school.  I put all the stuff from my purse into my Old Navy army surplus bag.  Except my keycard for work, which I didn't remember until I got to the office and realized I couldn't get in.  I had already arrived about 10 minutes late, and I had to wait outside until someone with a keycard showed up.  Luckily I only had to wait about 3 minutes.

When I got in and got all my morning chores done, I sat down at the computer and immediately checked the online class to make sure I was staying caught up with the discussion thread (which is a big part of the grade).  I wished that I had gotten the books so that I could get as far ahead as possible, so I just kept myself busy by doing the usual wandering around online.  I found a bloggy-type website called Doghouse Diaries which I think is pretty awesome and spent the majority of my morning just reading that.  I should have been finishing my Peace Corps application, but I honestly pretty much forgot that I had planned to do that this morning.

In order to get the application finished, I need to whittle my previous application essays down to 500 words or less (they're both more than 1,000 words as they are now), finish the information on my volunteer experience and send out my requests for recommendations to people.  This is going to require my divulging my Peace Corps plans to my employer because I trust her to write a recommendation for me (since I'd like to think she considers me responsible and reliable), but I am pretty sure I can put her mind at ease with the knowledge that I wouldn't be leaving until January 2012 at the very earliest (although I am fairly certain it won't be until June or July of 2012).  I really want to get this finished ASAP and I should have gotten my ass in gear to get it finished before classes began so I wasn't attempting to further split my attention, but oh well.  If I finish my school work early I can do a little work on it each day and hopefully submit it this weekend.

I can't even begin to express my joy at being able to leave the office at 1:30pm.  It's usually about then that time sort of slows down, since that's about the halfway point of my regular days, and so being able to get up and leave was pure ecstasy.  I needed to get straight up to campus to get my books, so I walked to one of the many bus stops and took the bus up the hill to the off-campus bookstore.  That particular store was out of the Criminology books I needed, but I talked to the guy there and he said the one on campus had just gotten their order in, so I should go over there.  It was just a short couple of blocks to walk, and I had plenty of time, so I went there, and luckily they had received the books.  Except they cost fucking $200!  I had sort of pre-mapped out how I was going to be paying for the books.  My mom had given me $200 on Saturday, and I had set aside $150 of that to pay for books (as I hadn't thought they'd be more than that), and so I paid cash for the Sex, Gender and Society class (the one I'm actually in the classroom for), and I wrote a check for the other books.  I'll be paying myself back and my mom back for the books out of the refund I'm getting from my grants and loans ($1,300!), and saving the rest for in case I don't get enough additional money to pay for the class I'm waitlisted for during July.  Either way, I have a sort of cushion that I can hang onto for an emergency and to help pay for the class.  On top of that, I'm getting paid tomorrow, and it should be around $850 and I don't have to make a student loan payment or an insurance payment!  So for the first time in more than two months, I'll actually be ahead.

I got off track.  I wanted to write about how absolutely glorious it felt to be outside during the afternoon today, instead of stuck in the office.  I felt very nostalgic, and almost as though I'd been transported back through time to the last time I was working downtown and taking classes at CU. With my student ID, I don't have to pay for the bus, so I'm planning to just take the Skip up and down Broadway every day.  It was nice to have an hour between work and class to just walk around and get re-oriented.  The books are pretty heavy, and I'll be using them at work, so I will be carrying all three around every day so I might have to switch to a more supportive backpack.  And it was hot today, in the lower 80's and it's going to be even hotter the rest of the week, so I will be bringing a change of clothes for myself for each day, too.  It wasn't overly comfortable to be walking around in baggy pants that are a smidge too big.  I may also bring different shoes because I will be doing a fair amount of walking around each day.  I thought about bringing a bike to work (I'll probably just borrow my dad's), keeping it in the office with me and then riding up to campus and riding back so I don't have to wait around for the bus every day.  Doing that would be a rather large pain in the ass, because that will mean taking it up to work with me and having to drag it back and forth from the parking garage to the office, all the while with three heavy books on my back, but I think it will be a great workout each day (riding up that damn hill is extremely hard!) and I could use the exercise.  Living and working and going to school in Boulder was the best way for me to stay in shape.  I don't remember being overly unhappy with my body anytime I was living there.  Plus, if today was any indication as to the weather for the summer, I'll want to soak up the sun and get exercise in it if I can!

I can't really describe my elation for being back in school and only working half the day in words besides ecstatic; thrilled, overjoyed, delighted, excited, those words don't put enough emphasis on just how happy I am to be back in school.

This class - Sex, Gender and Society - will be fairly easy.  The instructor is a graduate student, but she's young and so she knows that having a variety of teaching techniques will keep our attention, and so the plan is for us to read, write, reflect, and discuss while she only lectures a little.  I've taken this class before, but I ended up being hospitalized towards the end of it and I never finished the class, so I have memory of the content, but it will be different because the teacher is different.  Interestingly, I'm not the only older person in the class (and by older I mean above age 22, and outside the normal 4-year degree track), and that makes me feel better.  Plus, the instructor is very easily close to my age and she seemed pretty excited to find out that there were a few of us that had returned to school after some time off.  She also seems really excited to be teaching Sociology (the class falls under both Sociology and Women's Studies), and I'm thrilled to be there because this is just another step I can hit in getting a second degree in Sociology with an emphasis in Criminology (there's no real Criminology program at CU).  I also feel beyond capable of staying caught up in class - and not just caught up, but exceedingly engaged - and I didn't even really listen when she was explaining about attendance.  It hadn't even really occurred to me that I might miss a class, because if I miss a class, that means I'd probably be missing work, too, and that's not an option for me unless I want to make myself miserable by trying to get caught up in class and caught up financially.

We got out at 4pm, and I went straight to Chipotle and then drove home.  I got home at 4:50pm, a whole 40 minutes earlier than normal.  I LOVE IT!  I fed Phoenix, ate my orgasmic burrito, and took a little nap.  I got up again at 7pm and put a load of laundry in and vacuumed my bedroom and then took off my nasty toenail polish and gave my feet a good scrub-down.  They're very soft now.

I may do some of my reading tonight, or I may wait and do it at work tomorrow.  I will have plenty of time while I'm at work but I don't want to get behind already, so I may get started tonight.

I feel wonderful.  I feel like I have some purpose, like I have some kind of direction for the first time in a very long time.  I am not in school just because I have no other options, and I'm not trying to hurry my way through it just so I can move to Hawaii (like last time).  I'm in school 100% for ME, and it's fantastic.  I plan to ace the shit out of these classes and get back on track with my GPA.  I think I'm off to a fabulous start!

Sliding Back Downhill with the Boulder I was Pushing Up Said Hill

I have been in a weird mood all day.  I just woke up that way.  I had some things in mind that I wanted to do today, but when it came down to actually doing them, I couldn't.  It was one of those days when I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I excused myself from going and buying my school books by telling myself it's okay for me to go and get them between work and class tomorrow, which it really is.  I should have gotten the Criminology one today so that I could do some work while I'm at work tomorrow, but I think I will be okay. The other thing I wanted to do was go get some food to make for the BBQ at our place today, but then I just didn't.  

I didn't get out of bed until about 4pm, when our neighbor showed up with his great dane, and I did the best I could at socializing with people I didn't know for a few hours.  I guess I did okay.

I'm really thinking a lot right now.  I'm definitely nervous about school, and I really do want to do well and work really hard, but I am having trouble visualizing that right now.  I am also feeling very strangely about Boyfriend.  Spending over 48 straight hours with him was nice, but it also took a toll on me and my feelings.  He's completely aware of the fact that I need my alone time, and he did his best to make sure that I had some alone time today, and I think he knows that he's going to have to give me plenty of space, and so maybe it's partly my fault that I am feeling so weird today, but I am really having trouble.  I need to do some major thinking.  I need to talk to my girls to see what they think about how I'm feeling and things and go from there.  I'm just worried that I'm going to do something and then regret it in a couple of weeks when I go back to feeling lonely again.

I need to get some decent sleep and get back to the real world tomorrow.  That will help.

Last Sunday Before School. Nervous. Excited.

I really don't feel like writing tonight. It's been a nice, relaxing day. Boyfriend and I slept in and mostly just lazed around. We left the house to get gas for my car, take Phoenix to the dog park and hit McDonald's. I have been craving a cheeseburger from there for a few weeks now and I was finally able to have one. It was delicious.

Boyfriend made his Kick-Ass Nacho Dip for the BBQ tomorrow and he let me try it and it is amazing! We've just been watching Weeds this afternoon.

We've got stuff to do tomorrow - I need to get my books and I want to make some food for the BBQ, too. My salsa fresca. It's so yummy!! I perfected the recipe last summer and I can't get enough of it once I start eating it.

Anyway, now we are going to just goof around on the internet and watch crappy TV until we fall asleep. Phoenix is being super snuggly and adorable. I'm in my happy place with my boys and I feel pretty contented.

Deja Vu All Over Again

I knew when I woke up that today was going to be good.  The weather was beautiful when I woke up, which was right about 8:30 this morning.  I rarely wake up that early on the weekends, but I needed to be at my parents house to have cake with the family.  So Phoenix and I went over, and the boys were really excited when I got there because that meant they could have cake.  For breakfast.  However, right as we were sitting down to sing happy birthday, Z put some toys on the table (little plastic food: a chicken, some french fries, some bread, an orange) and called them "dessert" and wanted us to "eat" the "dessert" after we got done with the cake.  I told him that we don't allow toys on the table while we eat, and that I didn't care what he wanted, rules are rules.  He got really upset, and when his mom came in and saw what he was upset about, she got pissed.  She sent him to his room, but he came out to sing with the rest of us, and then got all upset right in the middle of it again, and we all stopped singing.  It was the first time my sister has been able to ruin someone else's birthday besides her own, and it was her and Z this time.  She said that it was like fighting with herself, and my mom said that she was pretty sure she'd had that same fight before.  Apparently Z doesn't handle others having the attention very well because he acted very similarly at a birthday party he went to a couple of weeks ago.  While it's not entirely surprising to us that he acts this way, it's definitely concerning because these are really early signs that he's going to turn out a lot like his mother and that is really scary.

After the cake, and after Z had settled down, we let the kids play while we waited for them to leave.  My sister was supposed to drop them off at their dad's on her way to work, but ironically, their dad called about an hour before they were to leave and said that he was in Fort Collins and wanted to know when she was dropping the kids off.  He claimed that they'd never solidified the plans for her to drop them off early.  My sister was beyond livid.  So then the plan was that he would come and get the kids on his way back from Ft. Collins.  We expected him around noon, and I texted him to find out when he'd be there, and he said that he'd just arrived in Boulder, needed to grab a shower and switch cars and he'd be on his way.  That pissed my parents off pretty well because by this point my sister had left for work and they'd planned on running some errands after the kids left.

By this point it was time for me to go get Boyfriend, so I had to leave, but I was planning to have arrived before my sister's ex-husband got there to pick up the kids so my parents could be on their way.  When we got there, though, my mom and my little sister had left to go do some shopping (as part of my little sister's birthday present), so it was just me and Boyfriend.  We took Phoenix on a walk down to the park while it was still sunny and then came back and relaxed for awhile.  Did some crossword puzzles, talked, looked at books.  It was really relaxing!  My parents got back, and I needed to finish dying my sister's hair (with red streaks, which turned out pretty good), and it was time to eat before we even knew it.  Boyfriend was really great, he sat and talked to my parents while I worked on my sister's hair, and dinner was delicious.  Perfectly seared steak with artichoke hearts and Bearnaise sauce.  SO GOOD.  Boyfriend and I did the dishes and then left.  Since we got back, we've watched The Hangover - he hadn't seen it and I napped during it - and just sat and talked.

When Boyfriend was telling my parents that he'd been a ghost hunter briefly, my sister heard it and asked me quietly, "Did you get him out of a catalog?!"  I burst out laughing.  She's right!  It's funny because it's true!  He's got all the qualities I could possibly want, and I can't find anything wrong with him!  I even asked my mom if she could see anything wrong with him, and she said no.

All in all, it was a really good day.  No solid plans, time to relax and just sort of do nothing, had some drinks, did some socializing, had some delicious food (the cake AND the steak!) and tomorrow is going to be even more relaxing.  I'm excited to nap and relax and talk and kiss and just pretty much be wrapped in bliss with my puppy and this wonderful man who likes me so very much.  That's it for today!

Long, Long, Long, Long Day

Wow.  What a long day.  I just got home.  I somehow managed to make it through the work day.  I'm amazed.  It definitely crawled by, but not as slowly as yesterday.

First order of business: Writer Guy is officially Boyfriend. We'll see how this goes.  So far, it's pretty great.  Also, I have Monday off.  No work.  No school.  Plan: sleep in.  Relax.  Have some delicious food and outside bonding time with new Boyfriend and also Roomies.  Normally, I go out of my way not to have weekend plans just because I'm trying to recover from the work week, but I feel like I should try and do something this weekend to get the most out of my free time before school starts and I'm crazy busy for two solid months.

So, tomorrow is my little sister's birthday.  She told the kiddos they could come to her party (read: the family singing happy birthday and eating cake together), but she said that before she knew they'd be going back to their dad early tomorrow (normally it's 5pm but they're going around 11am tomorrow) since their mom is working.  In order to accommodate, we are having a morning "party," which means cake for breakfast.

Phoenix stayed with my mom last night and all day today, so I went straight over there after work today.  I received my refund check from the insurance company today, so I deposited that (leaving me only -$7 in the bank instead of -$143) and then went back to the house.  We had pizza for dinner and then my little sister and I ran to Sally Beauty Supply to get some hair dye for her.  She wants a drastic hair change, so the plan is that I am sort of bleaching her hair tomorrow and then chunking a dark red into it.  When we got back, I had to get started on the cake.  Baby S was being kind of a pill and wanting to cling to my mom, so I kept her with me while I made the cake and she was enraptured.  So cute.  I baked the cake while the boys watched Fraggle Rock (win!) and they finally went to bed and I let the cake cool before icing it.  I changed the recipe a little bit, to see what would happen and it worked really well.  I added some vanilla pudding to the mix for moisture, extra flour for high altitude and extra milk to compensate for the pudding.  It should taste great.  It's the same cake I made for Easter, with the same icing recipe.  Unfortunately, once I've iced the entire cake and leveled the top and evened out the sides, there isn't a whole lot of icing left, so I can't be as creative in decorating it.  This one looks pretty, though.  Simple.  If I remember, I'll post a picture tomorrow.

Anyway, I finished icing it just after my mom came home from picking my dad up at the airport (San Francisco this week - and he told me about staying in Chinatown and having the best Chinese food he's ever had, and my mouth is still watering.  I want moo-shoo pork and fried rice and eggrolls and crab-cheese wontons so badly).  And I just got back home.  I'm pretty exhausted.

Tomorrow will be good, and I'm excited for the rest of the weekend.  I'm taking Boyfriend and Phoenix to the dog park.  We're going to try to watch a few movies.  He's having dinner with my family tomorrow night.  We might try to check out the Boulder Creek Festival either tomorrow or Sunday.  I need to do my sister's hair and clean out my car, and do some chores around the house before we have people over on Monday.  I don't particularly like having lots of plans on weekends, because I like to leave them free to sleep, but none of my plans are really solid this weekend so I can still move them around to make room for naps if need be.  But starting tomorrow afternoon, I will be spending just about every moment with Boyfriend.  Should be interesting and fun!  I'm very much looking forward to it.

In Preparation

OH MAN the day is dragging on today.  I'm almost completely certain that it's because I'm extremely tired.  Writer Guy and I were up pretty late talking last night.  Then we watched some episodes of Friends.  He was able to quote every line.  We were giggling and so it was hard to fall asleep.

But man, I cannot believe it's not 5pm yet.  As of right now, I'm planning to go straight home and pretty much sleep the rest of the day away.  Phoenix is at my mom's house, for the evening, and I don't think I need to be over there tonight since my sister only worked the lunch shift today and will be home with the kids for the evening. 

I feel pretty happy today.  Writer Guy and I split the remaining donuts and I brought my half to work with me and I have eaten 4 of the 5.  I'll probably save the last one for tomorrow morning.

Otherwise I have nothing else to write about.  I've done just about everything I can do for school at this point.  I'm hoping to be able to buy my books this weekend.  My little sister's birthday is Saturday, so I'll need to bake her a cake.  And I'm really looking forward to having Monday off.  I need an extra day this weekend to amp up for the week (and subsequent months) ahead.  This is going to be tough.

Efficiency, And I Don't Just Mean Energy

Welp, I got a lot of crap done today.  I was awakened at 9:30am by Writer Guy at my door with donuts.  We ate them.  They were delicious and amazing.  Then we napped til about noon.  We went to my parents house to say hi, then went over the storage place to look to see if I happened to have any of the books I need for my classes (I didn't), then went up to Boulder to take care of business.

I talked to Financial Aid about my awards and made sure that I would have enough grant and loan awards to pay for the 9 credits of classes I'm taking.  Everything looks good there.  Then I got a new student ID, using the old picture (yay!  I look so much younger!) and then drove around Boulder for awhile.  It didn't rain today, and the sun even came out.  It ended up being a really pretty day.  I gathered my old text books from the last time I was enrolled in these same classes to see if I might be able to sell them back, and managed to sell one of like nine books for a total of $4.00.  Out of about $600 in textbooks.  YUCK.

Then it was back down to my parents house to wait for the kiddos to get there.  We took Phoenix down to the park, and then played with the kids until dinner.  We played for awhile after dinner (he's so great with kids.  When they first got there, H wouldn't even look at him and he told my little sister that he didn't want to be friends with him but by the time we left they were playing hide-and-seek), and came back to my house.

It's been a relaxing and efficient day.  It was kind of nice to have company on my mission to get answers, but I would have been fine on my own.  Either way, I got the stuff done that I needed to get done, so that's good. Tomorrow is continuing to cover my bases with stupid Wells Fargo for in-school deferment of my loan.

And now I'm ready to relax some more and get some sleep.  He's spending the night again, and I'm getting used to having him in my bed.

And I talked to Kara last night for like two hours and that was great.  I miss her like crazy.  She's such a great lady.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does...

I wonder if there's a chance that I will ever have a job when I don't have to interact with and/or humor stupid people.  I don't necessarily use the word "stupid" to sound mean; in fact, I use it to be descriptive.  In my opinion, "stupid" people are people who don't pay attention to their surroundings that in doing so complicate things for those of us that do.  I suppose I could use the word "imperceptive" to describe these people, but I feel that there's a certain sense of blatant ignorance that these people have.  It's not that they just don't notice things, it's that they choose not to notice the things that would give them important information and make it so that I do not have to interact with them on a daily basis.

Today's examples include the phone call from the girl who called to inquire about the only remaining studio apartment we have available for lease.  She doesn't live in Colorado, but has a friend here who went to look at the studio for her one day.  She saw that we'd recently updated our craigslist ads and website to include interior pictures of the studio apartment, but she wanted some clarification of what she was looking at.  She asked if the photos were of the living room or the bedroom.  And when I told her that it was both the living room and the bedroom, she asked, "There's no wall that separates the living room from the bedroom?"  Apparently, somehow she missed the fact that the apartment is a STUDIO.  She felt it necessary to tell me that she is coming to Colorado to be a TA before she began asking her unbelievably stupid questions.  It was all I could do not to ask her how in God's name she managed to graduate from college when she is clearly lacking a brain.

This was all, of course, after the series of phone calls I received from a man who had made it his personal mission to ruin my day.  He called yesterday to ask questions about what we call "virtual office."  Virtual office means that people or companies pay money to our property management company to make it look as though they have an office in our building.  The can use our conference rooms, and mailing address.  Sometimes they'll even pay for me to answer their phone calls and transfer them to a cell phone or home office.  Since I am not involved in the commercial leasing part of the property management, I cannot give information regarding office space, or virtual tenancy.  I told him to leave a message for my boss, the property manager, because yesterday she was out of the office.  He asked why I couldn't give him information and I explained to him that I had no information to give him.  Then left a voicemail.  He then called again this morning, right around 10am, complaining that Barbara had not yet returned his phone call.  Barbara did not even arrive at the office until close to 9:30 this morning, which is pretty normal.  She pretty much left again right away (without telling me, also pretty normal), so by the time this guy called, she wasn't here.  I told him that she was away from her desk but he's welcome to leave her a message.  He said he'd already left a message - to which I asked, "When?" knowing full well that it was yesterday - and that if she didn't want to return his call, should he perhaps just take his business elsewhere?  I replied that I would try to track her down so she could speak with him, which I did, but to no avail as she was not actually in the office anymore.  I told him that I couldn't find her, but perhaps if he could not wait for her to return his phone call then perhaps it would be better for him to take his business elsewhere, to which he replied, "Oh, okay, thank you," and hung up.  Momentarily, I felt a little better about the whole thing, and I was pretty proud of myself for being direct and forward while maintaining an air of cordiality.  I feel like I told him he was being an ass without actually saying those words.

BUT THEN......

He then called back not 6 minutes later to say to me something along the lines of, "Since you don't want to help me, and since you seem not to want my business - and I don't know why - I'd just like to talk to the gal who does the leasing," to which I said that she was not in the office but he could leave her a message.  Which he did.  He then proceeded to call back another 18 minutes later, as though nothing had happened.  He asked for Barbara, I told him she wasn't available, asked if he wanted to leave a voicemail, he said no, he'd just call back.

I was mad!   He'd insinuated that I was purposefully trying to prevent him from using our services or something!  What good would that do anyone!?  I so badly wanted to tell him what an ass he was being, how ridiculous he was making himself look and where, exactly he could shove his business.

I waited for my boss to get back and called her and told her all about the guy, and about how mad I was over how rude he was, and that she probably had a couple of messages from him, including a complaint about me.  All she said was, "Okay, I'll call him back."  And she did.  She came up and told me that she spoke to him a little but told him he'd have to wait for a call back from her while she thought about whether or not to allow him to use us for virtual services.  She waited about an hour and called him back, but his voicemail box hadn't been set up yet so she couldn't leave him a message so she warned me that if he called back, that would be why.

It took me awhile to settle my feathers after that.  But I've managed.  I think one thing that's helped me is that I am quite enjoying the illusion that I live in a very rainy place.  It's been raining almost all day long, and quite heavily for most of it.  I love it.  We don't get enough solid rainy days in Colorado, and it's been a dry year.  Most of the precipitation we get is in the form of snow, which really messes things up all over the place for at least a couple of days.  But the rain - the rain is nice and neat.  No traffic jams, few accidents.  Plus the moisture does wonders for my hair.

Tomorrow is my last Wednesday off for over two months.  I start school next Tuesday.  Working 5 days a week at 7:30am is going to be hard, but I have to keep telling myself that it's just temporary.  I thought I would have a hard time working 3 days a week that early would be hard, but I didn't have any problems with it.  Then I started working 4 days a week that early and I still haven't had a problem.  Sure, getting up that early is tough, but it's going to help that I'm only going to be at work for 6 hours each day, and most of that time will be spent working on homework, reading, studying and writing, so it should go quick.  Then it's an hour off, and an hour and a half of class and I get home around 4:30pm.  So there will be some perks to having a change in schedule like this.

I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, and that I'm not looking forward to.  I really need to get some laundry done.  I have to go talk to the Financial Aid people to get everything sorted out so that I will have enough money for school all summer, and make sure I'm set for the fall.  I need to get a new student ID.  And it's supposed to be similar weather tomorrow.  But I have to get it done.

So, Writer Guy is interested in applying for the Peace Corps.  He's hoping that he can be sent with me someplace.  The adobe acrobat reader on his computer isn't working, so I copied the Health Requirements for him to look at and emailed them to him.  During which time, I looked again for myself, which just renewed the feelings of apprehension I have for my own application and my own acceptance.  Endometriosis is listed as something that will defer an applicant if it's something the applicant is currently "dealing with."  Major depression - recurrent is something that it says that the "Peace Corps is typically unable to reasonably accommodate."  I think I've said before that I'm hoping that I'm applying early enough to have a 6 month period of record for both of my conditions being under control enough for them to let me go.  With each day that passes, though, my optimism for my acceptance is decreasing as I am rationalizing what the Peace Corps will consider "under control."

I'm still concerned about my uncertainty about Writer Guy.  There is so much that should be supporting factors for my giving the whole thing a go, with both feet, but there is so little that is keeping me so uncertain that I have to pay attention.  I keep saying it, but can't say enough that I just don't know what my problem is.  I think I'm looking for a sign or something to help me make a decision either way.  All I can do is just keep enjoying his company.

OH!  Last night was great.  I got home, took Phoenix on a walk - in which I ran around with him to give him more exercise - then fed him a ton of food, and made myself dinner, or brinner.  Bacon and eggs with ham and onions.  While I was fixing my dinner, though, Meredi asked me if I would like to join her and Braden for some dinner that they were cooking on the new grill out back.  So, I said yes, even though I was already making myself something.  Braden came over with Bart, his ginormous great dane.  Bart likes to walk around and sort of growl and intimidate Phoenix, but it's okay.  Phoenix was submissive to begin with, and he's a mama's boy and I already knew that.  Anyway, we had some brats for dinner (along with my bacon and eggs) and it was delicious and really fun!  Meredi made some red-wine spritzers with Sprite.  While we were sitting and eating and talking, we decided to have some people over for Memorial Day for a BBQ.  So I'm excited about that!  I'll need to borrow things from my parental units to pitch in, but I think it will be okay.  And I think the weather is supposed to be beautiful.  After that last night, I felt like I had been given a second chance.  At life.  I did everything right yesterday.  I walked my dog, I made dinner.  I socialized with my roommates.  I made plans.  I didn't hole up, I didn't fall asleep, I didn't spend hours doing nothing.  And that means that I can change things whenever and however I want to.  I don't have to wait, I don't have to prepare.  It's all in the small choices I make every day.

If I can just keep that in mind, then maybe I have a chance.

Time Flies When You're Preoccupied

Another day, another dollar.  I dropped off Writer Guy at the bus stop this morning so he could make his way home and so I could head to work.  Poor Phoenix wouldn't eat this morning so he'll be absolutely starving by the time I get home.  Aside from a couple of crappy attitude-ed callers this morning, the day has been pretty unremarkable.

I have been trying to get all my school shit together before it starts next Tuesday, but it's been rough because something about the computer systems that CU uses has made it nearly impossible for me to get enrolled and registered for classes without having to call in to report some problem or another.  I still have a few kinks to iron out, but I'm optimistic that I'll be all ready come next Tuesday.  I've emailed my professors to get the list of books I need to buy to be prepared for class, since they're not showing up on my accounts anywhere (they're supposed to) and heard back.  I already have a set of Criminology books from the other Criminology classes I've signed up for but not completed, and I am hoping I don't have to buy hundreds upon hundreds of dollars of new books.  I might still get lucky.  I'll need to go into the storage unit to see if I might already have the required this week, hopefully before I go get my student ID and see the Financial Aid people on Wednesday.  I plan to get A's in all my summer courses.  Anyway, where I was going with all this is that I finally was able to talk to my Anthropology adviser about my degree audit to make sure that I wasn't misreading it in any way and that I wasn't mistaken about the amount of credits and required courses I have to complete in order to graduate.  And interestingly, I've been correct!  I really only have 15-16 credits left!  And I have three classes this summer and I'm hoping for two this fall, so that will be it for me!  I've already enrolled myself in an Anatomy Lab (which I fully intend on acing this time around) that is from 6-8pm on Mondays and Wednesdays (I don't have to worry about scheduling around work!) and I want to take Advanced Osteology, but I need permission from the instructor, which I have already emailed him for today.  So at this point, it's a waiting game.  I may need to sign up for one additional class for the fall, but I'm trying to be prepared to do that by picking some classes that might work with my work schedule ahead of time.  I, again, need to still work my Financial Aid stuff out, but again, I'm optimistic.  Either way, I can start planning solidly on graduating in December of 2011.  4 years behind schedule. 

Last night, Writer Guy and I talked quite extensively about what my issues are with whatever it is that is causing me to be hesitant about jumping in with both feet with him - because it's clear that he's ready to jump in, as long as I am willing to do the same.  I am having the most difficult time figuring out what the hell my problem is.  Here I have this great guy.  He's nearly everything I could possibly ask for in a partner.  He's endlessly smart, he makes me laugh, he's clever and witty, he's kind and caring, he's got morals and ideals that seem to line up with mine, and he really, really likes me.  What more could I ask for?  And yet I'm apprehensive.  I'm still apprehensive, even now.  It's like, whenever I am physically in his presence, things are great and I'm ready to take whatever leap of faith I should be taking, but I begin to question things when we're apart.  And I can't reason that out. 

Either way, it's after 4pm already (THANK GOD!) and the day has literally flown by.  I get to go home to my puppy and snuggle the crap out of him.  I might have brinner (this is from Scrubs - breakfast for dinner), and go to bed early.  If I can get Phoenix to forgive me for having someone else in our bed last night. 

Oh!  And I think I wrote about the bird shit on my car yesterday.  Well I woke up this morning to yet MORE bird shit on my car, on the roof, right over the driver's seat.  It's like some bird has dedicated that place to his personal toilet.  Anyway, I rolled down the window on my drive to work, and two enormous, wet goops dropped into my car.  One was literally millimeters away from landing on my leg.  It landed on the seat adjustment handle instead.  There's an old adage that says that having a bird poop on you is good luck, so I wonder how this bodes for me.  A bird didn't literally poop ON me, but the poop nearly landed on me, so what sign can I take from that?  Aside from being totally grossed out and having to wipe said bird shit off my seat (and there's more on the floor under the seat, too)...

They Were Wrong!

I woke up today in a terrible mood.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  It didn't help much that Meredi and Linda were up at 7:30 and moving around, rather loudly.  I was able to sleep in until noon, and then I had to get up and get ready for Tiffany's graduation party.  As I was leaving the house, I saw a note from Linda that said that I owe her money for this month's internet and that I didn't pay her last month.  She's right, I didn't because the note she left looked suspiciously like the previous one, and how is it possible that the amount is exactly the same each month?  Taxes change from month to month.  I know because I have a Comcast bill of my own.  So that's why I didn't leave her a check last month and now I owe her close to $50.  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE!

I walked outside and found that a bird had decided to sit on my car, and shit all over it.  And my rear left-hand blinker bulb is out and I DON'T HAVE MONEY TO REPLACE IT!

I'm so frustrated.  I don't know what to do.

Anyway, I dropped Phoenix off at my parents house and picked up Writer Guy who was accompanying me to Tiffany's party.  It turned out to be a really gorgeous day, and the party was fun.  I wish I hadn't been sick or I would have had a better appetite for party food, which I love.  And there was a lot of it, too.

I brought Writer Guy back home with me, and we stopped at my parents's house and talked to my mom for awhile and took Phoenix out to the creek and let him run around and play in the water.  That was fun.  I love watching Phoenix play and hop in the water.  He always looks so happy when he does that.  I got into the water with him, just in a spot where it only went up to my shins, and tried to rinse some of the dirt and muck off him from playing in the creek.  It was lovely.

Writer Guy and I have just been watching TV and movies since we got home.  There's more to this but I won't write it tonight because I want to get into bed so I can be as awake as possible for work tomorrow.  We're watching Interview With The Vampire.  It's a great, horrible, movie.

One Whine After Another

Nothing to note today.  I'm sick.  Sick, sick, sick.  I hate being sick.  I feel like I have spent more time being sick in the last 6 months than I have in the past three years combined.  I had planned to wake up every three hours to take a dose of the zinc, but I apparently turned my alarm right off the first time, fell asleep with the lozenge in my mouth the second time (whereupon waking up I found it stuck to the sleeve of my shirt and in my half-conscious state, I plucked it off and popped it back into my mouth), and then turned my alarm off the third time.  I slept most of the morning (thank you, Disney Channel for the Harry Potter weekend!), and made cookies this afternoon.  Probably not the best way to not spread my germs, but I washed my hands a lot, and also I don't really plan on sharing the cookies with anyone.

I think Phoenix might be sick, too.  With what, I'm not sure, but he's been really goofy today.  Mostly he's acting normal, but he just seems really sleepy and he didn't eat anything at all until late this afternoon.  I hope he's okay. My little sister says that he seems to mirror me and my feelings and emotions so maybe he's just sensing that I feel sick and so that's how he's acting too.  I don't know.

I'm starting to question my ability to socialize with others.  Anytime Meredi has anyone over, she always invites me to join them in whatever they're doing and I always politely decline, even if I don't have anything else to do.  I don't know why.  I always tell myself that I'll join her next time, because I'll have more energy to socialize another time, but then the next time pops up and I am still totally drained and don't feel like putting on the smiley face.  I feel like this happens over and over and over again, and she probably thinks I don't like her or am anti-social or something, and I wonder if I am anti-social.  I almost never go out anymore, to do anything.  I mean, the dog park, work, my parents house, grocery shopping, but that's about it.  I feel like quite the loser.  At 26, I certainly have my own life, and my own routines, but if I'm not going to be even making the effort with the people I have to live with, how am I supposed to meet anyone else in the world?

And I finally got my letter from the IRS telling me that I need to either pay them or set up payment arrangements with them for the $500 in taxes I owe from working for Holly.  So that's great.  I've got one week left of working 40 hours and then I go back to 30 hours, and then I might very well be quite screwed... 

-------------------------Don't think about it now, Beth--------------------------------

I need to get back in bed now.  I need to drink more fluids, but the lozenges make my mouth feel funny and I can't drink anything with citric acid in it for 30 minutes after having a lozenge in order for it to work, and I don't want to drink any water when my mouth feels funny, so I think I'm going to have to rely on just getting a ton of sleep to drive this bug away.  And then I have Tiffany's graduation party tomorrow.  Which is good, and I'll get to see Writer Guy, but I definitely wish I didn't have anything to do at all so that I could just get more sleep.

Next weekend is Memorial Day.  The three-day weekend will be really helpful, but I really hope that I am more energized and can go and do things and don't just want to sleep the whole time.  This depression thing is really depressing sometimes.

Illness - one bajillion, Immune System - 0

I think that stress is bending me over.  I am sick.  Again.  For what feels like the umpteenth time in the last 5 months.  I'm more prepared though.  This is a cold of some sort - sore throat, stuffy nose, cough.  I have some zinc lozenges to suck on once every three hours, orange juice, Mucinex, and Nyquil.  Half to cover the symptoms and half to help boost my immune system.  I'm hoping to already be feeling better by tomorrow morning.

Not much to comment on today.  Worked.  Went to my parents house.  Played with the kids.  Traded my parents an hour of babysitting for their going to Walmart for me to pick up my prescriptions and the zinc lozenges.  Left there, and now I'm here.

I hate being sick.  Hate it.  I can't breathe out of one nostril at any given time and that might be the thing that I hate most on this earth.  So I am going to lay down and watch TV and fall asleep, sleep for 12 hours or so and be prepared to get on with my life tomorrow.  Blah.

Disenchanted?

Right now, my plan is to go home and crash today.  My parents have Phoenix for the day and so I won't have to worry about him.  If I can finish today's blog at work then I won't have to worry about anything when I get home.

I fucked up financially, again.  I went ahead and made a bunch of online payments this morning, assuming that I had enough money in my bank account (I keep track in my head and I have been doing a really good job of that, but apparently I was way off today), but then I checked the bank account and was about $80 off.  So now I have to borrow money from my parents to get me through until next paycheck.

I did, however, finally cancel my stupid-ass, money-sucking health-insurance plan.  At this point I don't know what I am going to do - but I have already started the process of getting patient assistance for my prescriptions, and since I am on the Lupron, I am off the birth control and won't have to worry about that anymore.  And I've already got the patient assistance for the Lupron.  What worries me is that CU requires proof of other insurance if you opt not to use the school insurance, and I haven't been asked for proof of insurance yet, so I don't know what I am going to do.  If they don't ask me for it, then great.  If they do, I can be reasonably certain that I can give them what I've got and hope they won't find out the coverage ends on June 1st.  If not, then I need to look into getting more loans and grants.  Which, by the way, I have already started investigating.  I called the financial aid office today and asked why I wasn't awarded any federal grants, and I've got someone looking into that.  I will probably have to physically go into the office next week to get out of them what I need to get out of them, but that's okay.  I figured I'd have to do that at some point since I was only able to obtain enough loans to cover two of the three classes I plan to take. 

Either way, I find that I am not freaking out at the prospect of having no money to last me until next paycheck.  I think it's because of my parents' reassurance when I was upset earlier this week.  I told them (and did so with vehemence) about how much I hate having to take money from them, because I am 26 and should be on my own by now, but they told me that I needn't feel badly about it (because I really, really do) and that when I'm meant to be on my own, I will be.  They're grateful that I've been working so hard to distance myself from them financially and they understand that I hate asking them for money, and they want me to understand that if I need to ask for money that I can, because they're happy to help me out since they're helping both my other sisters out and what I'm asking for from them is considerably less than what they give my sisters.  However, it doesn't mean I like it any more.  And I fully intend to pay them back for all the money they've lent me and then some.  If I get a settlement from the lawsuit I've got over that Yaz or Yasmin I took when I had the blood clot, most of that money is going to paying off my parents' debt.  Then I'll look at paying my own debt off.  If I get accepted into the Peace Corps, I can sell my car and then give my parents that money.  I've already told them that that is my plan.  They wanted to set it aside for me until I return, but I told them that my stipends and bonus after getting out will be enough to get me back on my feet.  If I am not accepted, then I plan to just stay in school to prevent my having to pay back my loans and maybe use school insurance or discounted insurance until I can get a job where I am making the $50,000 or more a year I - and my education - are worth. 

It's just a matter of time until I can get things to work out in my favor.  I just need to be able to hold out until that time.  That's where I'm having trouble.  I like that I have some plans for either possibility, but the plans that I have sort of require that the steps to each plan go as I need them to.  And that's the really scary part. 

I have always - as long as I can remember - been prone to the freak-outs I have experienced in the last month or so whenever I start projecting into the future.  By projecting into the future, I mean planning, and then finding out that my plans won't work the way I'd hoped.  I feel like I need constant control over every aspect of my life, and the big things (money, right now) is what I feel like I have no control over.  It doesn't seem to matter how much money I make, it's always gone.  I'm working towards figuring out how to lower the bills I pay monthly and I think I am making progress, but it's still very stressful.

Interestingly.  Actually, very interestingly.  There is a big change in my life that is not really affecting me in the manner I would have anticipated.  I have found a man that is nothing if not perfect for me.  We are nearly perfect for each other, at least as far as I can tell, and he likes me so much.  I thought I'd be more ecstatic.  More thrilled!  More something.  But I feel just about the same.  That's not to say that I don't feel anything at all, because I do.  It's almost like knowing that my future is safe and not having to worry about that anymore, and maybe I'm just feeling contented.  I've spent so much time daydreaming about what I wanted and what I was hoping for, and I just don't know if I'm getting it, or if I'm disenchanted in some way.  I'm doing my best at soaking up the wonderful and the amazing way he makes me feel, and how important he makes me feel and I'm just not sure why I'm not jumping out if my skin with excitement. 

Anyway, oddly, I dressed exactly like Liz Lemon today, without even realizing it.  I'm serious.  Curly hair.  Side part.  Glasses.  Even down to the sweater over a long-sleeved dress shirt with the sweater sleeves rolled up.  And I swear I didn't think about it beforehand.  I wore my glasses all day yesterday and I haven't received my new contacts yet, so I figured that I would just go ahead and wear my glasses all day today.  I wore my hair curly because I knew I didn't have anyone important to see (Writer Guy), and it's been raining so it's a whole lot more curly, and also I figured that it would just look terrific all day.  I had planned to wear warmer clothes today, again, since it's raining, and this was one of the only long-sleeved shirts I had, and I wanted to wear a sweater over it because it's an old shirt.  It wasn't until I'd arrived at work and decided to wear my sleeves rolled down to keep warm that I am the blonde version of a boyfriended Liz Lemon today.  See?

Love of the Rain

Not much to write about today.  Had to get up and out of the house by 9:30 to pick up my dad from the hospital and also get my first monthly Lupron shot.  I'm officially about to go into menopause.  I think I probably won't have to pay too much for it, either.

Writer Guy spent the night last night (but don't worry, there wasn't any funny business), and it was really nice to wake up to him this morning.  I've mostly forgotten how to sleep with another person in bed, and when you add a big dog to the mix, it's even harder.  So neither one of us slept great.

Anyway, I napped most of the rest of the day.  While it rained and thundered.  That's my favorite way to nap.  I also got some cleaning done and got a little laundry done.  Didn't go to CU to get my financial crap sorted out, but I can plan to do that next Wednesday.

I'm beat.  I need a really good night's sleep to get through the next two days.  And it's still raining so I'm going to stop there and pass out.

Changing the Routine

Again, compared to yesterday, my day today was much better.  I was still pretty tired when I woke up this morning, but I found an email from Writer Guy in my inbox so that energized me.  Work was WAY boring, but I spent a good three hours or so replying to the email Writer Guy had sent, and that helped.  Oh, and I got McDonald's on the way to work since I got paid yesterday and had $4 extra from paying my parents back and paying Meredi for utilities.

I spent the entire day texting and chatting with Tiffany and Writer Guy, and that was fun.  Writer Guy and I had made plans to have him come over after work tonight back on Sunday, but I'd told him yesterday that my stress level was high so I might want to have some alone time.  It took me until almost 4pm to make up my mind, but I decided to have him come down around 7 or 8.  I picked him up from the bus and we came home and I crashed.  When I get home from work (and this includes when I get home from being at my parents house after work), I am so exhausted and I generally spend the remainder of the evening watching TV and just zoning out, which is what I did even though he was here.  I perked up right about 9, when Conan came on, and we watched Conan and then took turns showing each other interesting stuff on youtube, and now here we are.  He's going to spend the night tonight, and then hop on a bus home in the morning because I have to pick my dad up from his colonoscopy and get my first Lupron shot (assuming it doesn't cost me anything) around 10.

He spent a lot of time reading my past blogs last night and his email to me (the one I saw when I woke up this morning) was full of the thoughts he had and questions he had about the content of the blogs.  I loved getting such a long response to my blogs, and that he was so interested in finding out more information about my life.

We are slowly finding out more things that we have in common (tonight: the ability to pronounce names correctly and being able to remember names of people we've just met) and things that we have different opinions on.  I think he's more put off by our differences than I am, but that's okay.  I think my awesomeness will help make up for that.

And I'm so tired, so I am going to suggest we get to bed soon.  His sleep schedule is a little different than mine since he doesn't have to work until 1pm every day, but at this point I've been up for going on 18 hours and that's enough for me.  Normally I have so much trouble sleeping next to someone new, but as I'm really tired AND I feel so comfortable around him I think I will be just fine tonight.

Another (albeit slightly less) Catastrophic Monday

Today has been lousy.  No one thing to bring the day itself down for me, but I have been feeling uber-crappy all day.  It took me a few hours this morning to realize that the reason I'm feeling physically yucky is because I have a hangover!  After drinking as much as I did yesterday (which included us splitting a bottle of champagne, then about half a bottle of white zinfindel, then finishing off a bottle of Bailey's Irish Creme and then each having two shots of vodka in a glass of orange juice, it's no wonder my body is reacting poorly.  Also, last night I wasn't able to take my full dose of Effexor - I was only able to take one third of my normal dose.  I thought that if I could take any of it (and I only had one third of the dose left), I wouldn't be feeling the full effects of the withdrawal I normally feel when I haven't taken any of it the previous night.  And that's indeed the case.  But between the hangover and the minor effects of the withdrawal, I feel pretty nauseated. 

I'm also very tired.  After I dropped off my new guy last night, I went home and intended to go to bed pretty shortly thereafter, but when I turned on the TV, Caddyshack was on, and I couldn't just turn that off.  So I laid in bed watching the last hour or so of that, while flipping back and forth to The Exorcist during commercials.  I didn't end up turning off the light until about 11:30, which is way too late for me to be getting to sleep if I have my alarm set for 5am the next morning.  I set my alarm for 5am so that I can be certain to be up at 6am to get going.  I generally hit snooze for an hour before I actually get up.  Anyway, I was definitely dragging this morning.

It took me a short while after I got to work for me to even realize that I wasn't feeling great, and I brought some grape soda and the leftovers of yesterday's lunch (called Bekri) with me.  However, I haven't at any point during the day felt good enough to actually indulge in the delicious grape soda, and I did finish the Bekri and it was delicious as well, but it didn't help my nausea at all.

I left work, and in a hurry, too, because I had to get to the bank before 6:00pm to deposit my check.  Ironically, today was the first day I hit significant traffic on my drive home, and was perplexed as to why and what made today any different than any other day, and I was never able to figure it out.  In my impatience to get home, I tried taking a shortcut, but I was incorrect as to the route and I thought that a street was a thru street but it turned out to be a one way in the opposite direction with a bike trail.  I could have easily ignored the street signs but I went with my better judgment and just looked for the quickest way out - which led me to drive past the three-way stop I would have had to go through had I just stayed exactly where I was, and then I had to get back in a long line of cars to get to that three-way stop.  So I ended up adding 5 or 6 precious minutes to my drive, which didn't help my already heightened frustration over the increase in traffic volume on my normal drive home.  When I finally made it home, I picked up Phoenix and drove straight over to the bank, arriving at the drive-thru at 5:51.  After that, I went to my parents house to see if maybe they were having some dinner - although my appetite is severely lacking due to the nausea today - and to let them see Phoenix.

When I got there, I was telling my mom about the new guy and how excited I was yesterday (and am today, although I explained that I am starting to freak out today), and my dad came in with the mail, which contained my most recent correspondence from my insurance company regarding the application for short-term health insurance I submitted last week.  I have been denied short-term coverage because I am already covered with this company, and they will not consider me for a change in coverage.  Apparently I have to terminate my existing coverage and re-apply for different coverage, and even then I can only apply for short-term coverage, I can't apply for a different plan, like a copay plan like I want.  Then literally immediately after discovering this, I received a phone call from Linda - which I let go to voicemail - in which she told me that Rainey had gotten into the bucket I keep Phoenix's dog food in and eaten the rest of it.  She offered to let me have some of the food she feeds Rainey to replace it, but that is no help because I've been trying to get Phoenix off the Beneful and onto a lower-fat, non-organic but just as healthy brand of food.  And this is the third damn time that Rainey has eaten a significant amount of Phoenix's food.  So at that point, I just lost it.  I burst into tears.

I hate feeling out of control more than anything, and two of the things I have been trying to desperately get control over in the last few weeks - two things that have been a major source of stress for me - I literally have no control over.  My parents were sitting there with me, already discussing my insurance situation with me, when I burst into tears and immediately offered to help in whatever way they can.  Which only frustrates me further because I want to stop depending on my parents in any capacity whatsoever, even in an emergency capacity, which is how I've been depending on them for the last few months.  I am 26 years old and I should be self-sufficient by now.  On top of that, they fully support both my sisters and three small children and don't need the added expense of having to be my emergency net.  My mom offered to pay for my one expensive prescription medication - the Effexor - which is around $30 a month, but that's if I continue to have any kind of medical insurance.  Without insurance, even the generic version is over $100/month.

I fucking hate feeling so helpless.  I mean, I just got paid today - $750 - and it's almost entirely reallocated already to bills.  I was really hoping to be able to do some decent grocery shopping, but I keep thinking of other things I need to pay for, like new contact lenses, and the $50 worth of dog food that will last around 3 weeks, and the refill I had to pay for today.  Bunches of little $30 expenses add up, and before I know it, I won't be able to pay for the gas to get me to work for the next two weeks (which at this point is about $40/week).  It seems like no matter what costs I attempt to cut, another one pops up to take the place of the last one.  I canceled my credit card, which I am hoping will stop the $5 monthly fee that Capital One began charging late last year just to keep an account with them.  I have been paying the minimum balance on the card, which is around $17-18 a month, but that was the amount of the the monthly fee, the payment protection charge and the interest, so I wasn't actually making any kind of a dent in the actual balance.  I just can't keep up.

And then there's my emotions that I'm battling today.  I had so much fun with this new guy last night, and I know that I really do like him very much, but I felt something today that I recognize as a sort of "freak-out" feeling that has caused me to run away from totally decent guys in the past.  It's like all of a sudden, if I discover that they perhaps like me as much as or more than I like them, I get scared and want out.  I suddenly can't handle the pressure of living up to whatever the picture of me that they've got in their head is and so I bail.  I don't want to do this with him because I know that I won't find another guy who is so much like me and who can keep up with me the way he can.  So I'm trying to just ignore the little devil on my shoulder who is telling me to "Get out!  As soon as you can!  At all costs!  Before it's too late!" and just relax and go with the flow.  But I'm still aware of this nagging feeling - which I am having trouble describing in any concrete terms - in the back of my mind.  I'm trying to alleviate the pressure I'm feeling by talking with my closest people - Tiffany and Kate - about it to sort of prevent myself from doing anything rash, and so far, that is helping.  Also, all I need to do is be honest and up front with the guy about my feelings and I know everything will be just fine.  I just need to get past this point.

So I need to go get into the shower now.  I am really dreading this because I need to shave my legs and that takes WAY too long and I just want to crawl into bed and forget about this day.  And I've given myself an 8:30 bedtime for tonight so I better get moving.  Oh, shit, I'm pretty much out of clean underpants, too.  Fuck.

New Guy Day

I've been on a lot of first dates in the last 365 days.  I think I may have gone on the last one for quite awhile (hoping for forever, but being realistic here).  For the sake of privacy, I'm not going to divulge any major details, aside from that he came over and made me food (which was GREEK!) and I feel as though I have known this guy forever.  He and I are so alike, it is creepy.  Like, even we agree that it is creepy.

Anyway, I spent the last 7-8 hours with him and I can't wait to see him again.  I haven't felt this way in a long, long, LONG time.

Aside from that, it was just an ordinary day.  It rained this morning, but stopped around noon and was just overcast for the rest of the day.  I didn't see my parents, I didn't talk to any of my family members, and I didn't take Phoenix to the dog park.  For those things, I feel slightly guilty.  But the rest of the day was great.  I have a feeling things have changed for me for awhile.

I am exhausted and want to get some good sleep tonight.  I have a shit ton of things to do after work tomorrow and I need all the energy I can muster.  Also Caddyshack is on TV and I may have to spend the next hour or so watching that.

Saturday, Rainy Saturday

This weekend is rainy.  I thought it was supposed to get sunny and warm tomorrow, but I guess not.  What makes me happy about this is that the last three years I've run in the Colfax Marathon Relay, the weather has been gorgeous - sunny and hot - with not a cloud in the sky.  But as I am not running in it this year, I don't have to worry about the weather tomorrow.

As you might be able to tell, I am very bitter about the fact that I am not going to have any involvement in the race this year.  I'm mad at Jen for screwing me out of being able to do it.  I was really excited that I had something in my life that I was a part of every year.  And last year we did so well and I personally felt great because I didn't walk a whole lot.  But there isn't much I can do about it at this point.  Except I can still be bitter.

So, today, I slept in.  And spent a lot of time just lying in bed, watching TV.  Which was just fine with me.  I spent about an hour on the phone with one of the guys I've been emailing with and that was amazing.  He and I may never run out of things to talk about.  He's possibly equally as dorky as I am - maybe even more.

Anyway, that about sums up my day.  I went over to my parents house for dinner, which was minus the kids this week.  My sister worked this morning and took the kids back to their dad early and that was really nice for my parents.  My little sister was also still down so we actually had a fully-adult family dinner for the first time in who knows how long.  It was fun.  My mom and I watch a lot of the National Geographic and Discovery and History channels and got to talking about some of the shows we'd watched over the course of the week, and my older sister said that we were grossing her out by talking about the awesomeness of the human body (Taboo entertainers like glass-eaters and a guy who lifts things with his nipples; ancient and medieval torture devices, etc.) so she got up and left, but we continued our conversations.

I got home and threw my jammies back on and turned on the TV, texted with the new guy for awhile, then talked to him on facebook for awhile, then on the phone for awhile.  We're planning to finally meet tomorrow,  but have no firm plans in place.  Stay tuned for that.

And so it is bedtime.  Phoenix has been asleep for quite awhile, and I need to get enough sleep to be able to get me through the work week.  But I'm pretty excited and may have a little trouble sleeping tonight.  So we'll see!

Friday the 13th

Not much to write about today.  It was about 180 degrees different from yesterday.  I think I actually had my first panic attack in a very long time in the car on the way home and when I finally made it home I forced myself to take a couple shots of whiskey to calm down.  That helped a lot.

After work today I went and helped my mom with the kiddos.  My little sister came down to be around for when my mom had to pick my dad up from the airport.  I gave the baby her bath and put her down and she  mostly was in charge of the boys.  It helped to have man-to-man defense like that.  I didn't feel nearly as harried as I normally do when I left.  It just felt easier.

I'm pretty tired.  I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open at this point and I still need to wash my face before I go to bed, but Linda's in the bathroom doing God knows what for God knows how long.

I'm real excited to sleep in tomorrow and to have virtually nothing to do.  The kids are going back to their dad at 11am tomorrow instead of 5 since my sister has to work all day and it just seemed more logical for the kids to be with their dad if he's not at work and their mom is at work.  I think my mom is really excited that she'll get that extra 6 hours to herself.  I'm meeting up with a guy that I've been talking to online (yup, another free dating site!) tomorrow evening, I think, for a cheap and fun date-type thing.  I'm not sure if it actually is a date, but either way he and I seem to connect really well so I'm looking forward to meeting him in person.

Onward!  Let the relaxation commence!

Thursday the 12th

**Blogger was down on Thursday the 12th so I was unable to post, but this is what I wrote for yesterday:

Today did not get off to a good start.  Considering my monetary situation, I'm really on edge.  I don't think it's as on edge as I have been, but my heart rate is really fast today.  It might be that I had a cup of coffee today.  I don't like how I feel, though.  Even better, I'm starting to crash right now.  I mean, without caffeine, I generally get sleepy right about this time, but I feel like it's much more noticeable today.  Who knows.

Anyway, I got some dog food from my mom yesterday.  Enough to get Phoenix through until Friday afternoon.  I fed him when we got home last night, and even remembered to put his food bowl up when I left for work this morning so Rainey wouldn't eat the rest of the food that was left in it.  But I didn't remember to move the bag of food that I had set on the bucket where I normally keep the food in before I left.  So I texted Meredi when I got to work this morning to ask her to move it if Rainey hadn't eaten it yet.  She texted me back to say it was too late.  I am so mad at myself for forgetting.  On top of that, I tried getting gas last night on our way home.  I have just under $5 in my bank account, and I know that when you swipe your card at the pump, it authorizes the transaction for anywhere over $1.  I thought I could cheat the system and put like $30 in and just deal with the overdraft fee.  But it looks like the gas station by my house that I frequent authorizes over $5 for the transaction beforehand.  So I'm nearly out of gas.  My mom offered me $10 last night when I left, which I turned down since it wasn't really enough to buy dry dog food (even though I could have bought a few cans of the wet stuff).  So she put it in my bank account so I could stop on the way home from work.

When I got the text from Meredi this morning, I was talking to the lady that owns the cleaning company my building uses.  She stops in and we chat a few mornings a week.  I used to dread having to talk to her, but I'm getting used to her and she is a pretty nice lady.  I told her what had happened and she said she would run by the all natural pet food store she has a contract with and grab me some samples.  Which she did.  I'm not thrilled with the idea of trying to feed Phoenix a whole new kind of food since he's got such a sensitive stomach and he generally gets diarrhea when we switch food (which isn't uncommon).  But I don't want to have to switch him back next week, even though I will anyway.  It's a bandaid for a deep laceration.  I'm hemorrhaging money and I've been trying to two weeks to figure out how to stop it. 

So, after that, I tried to register for classes, and still could not.  I left another message for the person I left a message for yesterday.  After waiting awhile for a return phone call, I decided to call again.  I talked to another different person, who told me that each Friday the system reloads the list of new enrolling students, and that last Friday, when they received my $200 payment, was graduation, so the list was not rolled over, and that I'd have to wait until this Friday to register.  So I stopped her, and I told her that I had been told two other things already since Monday of this week - that I could register on May 11th (which didn't work) and then that I hadn't been assigned a term in the computer system and that I needed to talk to this specific lady to get this changed.  I was put on hold, and after a few minutes, she got back on the line, whoever she was, and told me that they'd manually activated me for registration since it'd taken so long already and that I could go ahead and register.

So I did.  And right now, I've registered for the Sex, Gender and Society class I had planned on taking, as well as the upper division Criminology online class I'd planned on taking.  The class I'd planned on taking during July is full, so I'm waitlisted at #7.  I'm hoping that by July, 8 people will have dropped the class.  If not, I need to start looking for another class to get into.  And the zombie class I was going to take online is restricted to English and Journalism majors only, a stipulation which was not in the summer catalog, so I need to find another class to take in it's place, or plan on taking two classes in the fall.  I also tried to get an appointment with my adviser to see if it is in fact correct that I need to take only 15 or 16 more credits in order to graduate, but that didn't work, either!

And the cherry on the crap sundae that is my day today is that a few days ago, Anna, my favorite co-worker told me that my school and work schedule for June would work for her, but that July's was silly.  I'd had it planned out that I would work in the mornings in June, and then go to class in the afternoon, and then in July, she'd be here from open until 11:30am while I was in class and then I'd work the rest of the day after that.  She has told me in the past that she doesn't like having to open because she doesn't like being up that early more than twice a week.  Her argument now for not having to open 5 days a week is that it's silly for her to be here just for an hour or two (really it's 4) and she'd prefer to just sit at the desk for the 2 hours I'd be gone to class in the middle of each day.  That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  She makes no sense.  I plan to talk to Barbara about it, and soon.  I went ahead and registered for the class that would make her have to open every day for a month (class is from 7:30-9:05), but that's the waitlisted one.  I really want to take it, though, because it's on TV & American culture.  It's an English class so I'm sure it will take a shit ton of writing, but I really want to take it.  I'd originally told Anna that I could switch it up and take the middle of the day class instead, but I was wrong.  I'd have to switch my June schedule as well in order to do that and I don't want to do that.  I looked through some other online classes and I haven't been able to find one that is only for the July term.  There are two kinds of online classes - the Continuing Education classes, which are through the Continuing Ed department of CU, and there are the Main Campus online courses.  The Continuing Ed classes mostly started on May 2nd, which was 10 days ago making it far too late for me to be getting into a class like that.  And if they start that early, they continue through July, which would make my class load for the month of June 3 classes and I don't think I can make that work.

I thought about it some, and it's going to be a lot easier for me to be at work at 7:30 (or 7:35 or 7:40am) each day for a month than it will be for me to be in class, especially because these classes that are only a month long take attendance as part of the grade.  So I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.  Either way, I got registered for a few classes, and was able to get my summer application for financial aid going at the least.  Which was really all I needed to do. 

I'm definitely nervous about the workload of being in two classes that are only a month long because it will require about three times the work in that short amount of time to make up for not being a three or four month long class.  I'm hoping that not being in school for so long will give me enough motivation to work my ass off for two full months.  But I was really nervous about making it to work on time three days a week back in November and I have flourished at being reliable and dependable on that front.  So perhaps I will be in for a big surprise come August.


I hate days when I feel like this.  I feel like being so negative and so complain-y makes me sound perpetually negative.  I feel like I have more negative days than positive ones.  I feel like my negativity outweighs my positivity and I don't like that at all.  I want to be more positive and hopeful and less negative and judgmental.  I wish I were more accepting and less annoyed by the rest of the people on this planet.  For example, today I went down to heat up my lunch and the lady who runs the publishing company in our basement was in the kitchen.  She monopolizes the kitchen for about 15 minutes each day preparing herself a salad.  She literally brings in the vegetables and chops them all up here at the office instead of doing it at home and bringing it here all prepared.  The kitchen in this building is not large enough for two people at a time, and so trying to heat up my lunch while she's down there is terribly awkward.  On top of that, she uses fish in her salads every single day.  And it stinks.  It smells up the entire kitchen.  Today she used fish and olives.  And the combination of the smells was enough to make me want to vomit.  It doesn't help that when I had the stomach bug a couple of weeks ago, I threw up tuna and so now I'm extra averse to anything remotely fishy-smelling.


I read a short article Monday or Tuesday on msnbc.com about what it is that makes us annoyed.  It shed a little light on the actual science behind why certain things - or people - annoy some people more than others.  It even says, "And people with depression are more prone to becoming more irritable."  So maybe that explains my negativity.  It's just because of the kind of mental illness I have.  Just a symptom of the fact that I'm sick. 

My mom told me on Tuesday night that there was a new drug that is being promoted for the treatment of bipolar disorder, but it also treats other mood disorders.  She said that a rep came in and presented the drug to her at work, and it intrigued her.  So she suggested that I do some research into it, and consider talking to my doctor to add it to my list of daily medications.  I'm actually more interested in the possibility of Pristiq.  I'm on effexor right now, and it's generic name is venlafaxine.  Pristiq is desvenlafaxine, which would be a slightly different chemical compound of venlafaxine.  I just don't know how.

Tranquil and Okay With No Control

I don't have much to write about today. I had planned to go over and hang out with my mom for awhile today but then I found out that my sister was home today and I avoid her like the plague if I can. So I didn't go over there until like 6.

I guess the only thing I have to complain about is that I still can't register for classes. I was supposed to be able to enroll today, but nope. So I called the registrar's office and discovered the problem. Apparently I have been "matriculated" and everything but I was never assigned a term in their computer system. There is a certain person that needs to do this for me, with whom I left a voicemail but I never got a call back, and have tried registering but to no avail. So tomorrow I will try again. There's not any point in my being upset about it because at this specific moment there is not a thing I can do about it.

I borrowed some dog food from my parents as they have no money to give me until Friday. And that is fine.

I napped the day away today. While it rained. I wanted to bake cookies but then I didn't. I adore rainy days. I wish we had more of them in Colorado. That is perhaps the only thing lacking here. 300 days of sunshine, 60 days of snow and 5 of rain. So despite it being a little on the chilly side I have kept my bedroom window open since last night.

And that's how I shall sleep tonight. With the smell of rain in my nose, the sound of it in my ears and the feel of my warm puppy curled up in the crook of my legs.

There May Be a Pattern Here

I'm feeling better today.  This seems to be the pattern.   One day of intense stress and then one day of it subsiding.  I think I was manic last night.  I got home from work and felt terribly energized.  I took Phoenix for a walk, then made him dinner, then made myself dinner.  I put a load of laundry in and took a shower.  I just felt like being very efficient.  I wasn't able to fall asleep until around 11.

I'm sort of hoping it's because I had like 10 full ounces of coffee yesterday, and not something worse like an actual manic episode.  Yes, I started drinking coffee.  Sort of.  I'm not sure what exactly changed, but I was feeling especially tired one day and had some coffee and it really helped.  It could have been the placebo effect, but it could have been that my body was finally able to attach the caffeine molecules that I introduced into my body to the correct receptors for like the first time ever.  Because I have never really had the kind of reaction to caffeine that people are supposed to have.  I used to be able to drink a Rockstar and go take a nap.

Anyway, I think I figured out my insurance problem.  It's a kind of extensive explanation and I really want to just sit and watch Conan and do nothing, so I'll explain it tomorrow.  I am supposed to be able to register for classes tomorrow, which will allow me to apply for summer financial aid finally.  I might just stay up until midnight tonight to see if it's an automatic thing.  I thought about going to the plasma place to see if I could finagle $50 out of them finally, but I don't really want to go all the way down there.  So we'll see.  All I really need to do tomorrow is work up the courage to ask my mom to buy dog food for me.  I'm going to sleep in.  Then maybe make myself waffles and bacon for breakfast.  We'll see.  But I'm looking forward to relaxing a bit.

And Monday Comes in Swinging!

I think (hope) that I mentioned in Friday's post about how I upset my parents by telling them that no, I would not babysit for them for an hour that evening, and because I told them that by saying no, I was going to automatically feel guilt for not helping.  Well my dad was extremely upset by this, and sent both my little sister and I a nasty text message yesterday morning that said, "Sleeping in?  Having a good day?  Mom's not.  Thanks a bunch!"  My little sister felt really blindsided by this, because she didn't really do anything wrong to precipitate a text message like this.  At least not recently.  She called my dad completely infuriated and reamed him for sending a text that she deemed "inappropriate to send to your daughters, ever."  So she and I were both very much dreading going over to spend Mother's Day at our parents house yesterday.  Nonetheless, I knew I would have to bite the bullet and apologize for being the one to bring all of their frustrations to a head with my selfishness. 

So I stopped at the store, bought a card and some candy, and the ingredients to make a blueberry pie, and then went over to the house.  My dad said hello and sort of acted like nothing happened.  I put the pie together and then went outside to talk to my mom.  I told her I was very sorry and deeply apologized for the whole guilt thing.  That didn't seem to make much of a dent.  She said that it's not about the guilt, it's about the fact that I wasn't willing to help out, and that I've been less and less willing to help out, and less and less considerate.  She told me that last week, when it came time to drop the kids back off with their dad, she misunderstood something my sister said which resulted in my sister saying something along the lines of, "Get in the back of the suburban with the dogs because that's where bitches belong."  She said she didn't say anything to either me or my little sister because we don't live there anymore and that makes it none of our business.  But I feel like if we're not there to back her up, and end up this way - not knowing - then we don't know to step extra lightly because of how hurt she might be.  When I went over there last Wednesday after being deferred at the plasma place, I was angry and frustrated with the state of things, and at my sister for being such an enormous drain on my parents financially to the point where they can't help me out when I need help.  I sort of took that anger out on my mom when she started lecturing me about the virtues of having a savings account with money actually in it.  Then when I told her I didn't want to stay with the kids on Friday night, it was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back for my mom.

When my little sister got there, and she found out what our sister had said to our mom, she went off on all the things that our parents "should" be doing about my sister's behavior - which include shutting off her phone, telling her no that she won't babysit while my sister is working, that they wouldn't pay her bills - even though we all know full well that if she doesn't get what she wants, she throws a fit and will stop at nothing - and I mean nothing - to get what she wants.  Then my dad got involved, defending his choice to send us that text message, and started yelling.  This is all happening while the kids were down for their nap.  My sister got up and said she was leaving because it was a mistake to come down to try and fix things.  My mom followed her outside and asked her to stay, and they sat outside talking for awhile. 

The main point my mom was trying to make is that she's come to terms with the fact that she is going to have to support my sister and her three small children because my sister is severely mentally ill.  At one point she compared it to my dad's sister having to care for her autistic adult child, or to her aunt having to care for her adult child who is severely disabled by cerebral palsy.  She said that our family members are not going to throw their children out even though they cannot possibly care for themselves, so why should it be any different for her and her child?  My little sister said that it's different because our sister knows exactly what she is doing.  She manipulates on purpose and she deceives on purpose.  Our cousins don't make their parents feel like shit on a daily basis despite the help and support they are giving them to live.  But my mom does make an interesting point - that her daughter is extremely ill and cannot care for herself.  But to us, the difference is that our sister does what she does because she knows she can get away with it.  Our mom says that she's trying to teach her daughter how to live on her own and be a successful member of society.  However, it seems to my sister and I that our sister is sort of incurable and that she will continue to be a drain on our parents, no matter what.  She's going to continue to get speeding tickets and not tell anyone until she's got bench warrants out.  She's going to continue to forget to ask if I am available on any given Friday evening to babysit while our mother is driving to the airport to pick up our dad and she's at work.  She's going to continue to need money from our parents for things she ought not to have obligated herself to pay for in the first place.  And that is exceedingly, infinitely, incomparably frustrating and ridiculously difficult for my little sister and I to comprehend.

And so I am conceding.  It is time to adapt.  My parents have made the decision to be the support system that the kids need, therefore being the doormat my sister will require to continue living the way she's become used to living.  My parents are basically sacrificing themselves for the good of the kids.  They will babysit as much as is necessary for my sister to keep working.  It doesn't matter that she perhaps needn't be working 40 hours a week right off the bat, and that whatever money she makes is going towards God only knows what.  The only things that matter are the kids.  That they get the care and attention they deserve from someone, because it's not going to be their mother.  Maybe this way they've got a chance of not turning out exactly like her.  It's in my best interests at this time to just be there for my family.  It doesn't matter that it's inconvenient or uncomfortable for me.  I'm not what's important here - it's the kids.  And if being there for my parents is what is going to make things as good as they can be for the kids, then that's what I have to do. 

When the kids got up from their naps yesterday, we decided it was a good time to go run through the sprinklers in the front yard.  The boys got their trunks on and sunscreen was liberally applied and outside we went.  I was in a t-shirt and soccer shorts, and I figured that if I could get the boys interested in the water, maybe they'd last a little longer out there, so I let both boys spray me down until I was soaking.  Little H was so cute - after getting sprayed a couple of times, he kept saying, "I feel like I need to go inside now."  So I suggested that he lie down on the warm sidewalk to dry off instead of going inside, and that kept them outside even longer.  My mom got out the camera and took pictures of us playing in the water, and it was as though we were a normal family again.

But the feelings that I had - of disappointing my parents so very much, and of being kind of a piece of shit - those didn't go away.  Because my mom had to drive my dad to the airport and they were planning to leave immediately after my sister left with the kids, my sister had to take the truck, and because Duke can't hop into the bed of the truck because his poor knees are virtually useless, I volunteered to take the dogs in my car, since I was going that way anyway.  My sister's ex-husband lives with his parents, and their house is less than 5 miles from my house.  I feel like by volunteering to do that, I was saving my sister an extra trip over there (she had planned to just come back and get the dogs and make a second trip), I was maybe saving my parents the gas money they'd have to give her and maybe saving the truck (which is running horribly thanks to my sister's inconsiderate and ridiculously atrocious driving) a few miles.  It's probably all for naught but that was a way for me to do something to show my parents that I do care, because they seemed to think I did (and do) not.

Anyway, I got home and still felt completely terrible.  From crying, from listening, from going through the range of emotions I went through in the 5 hours I was there.  I decided I wanted nothing to do with Linda and so I shut Phoenix and myself up in my room and just tried very hard to relax last night. 

Since having that stomach bug a couple weeks ago, I haven't really gotten my appetite back.  There were a few instances in which I felt completely famished, but as soon as I started eating, the nausea would come back.  So I haven't really eaten a whole lot at any given time.  I know that I'd lost 4lbs in 4 days last week.  But my appetite seems to have flown the coop for the time being.  I'm always thirsty, though.  I crave super-sugary soda like crazy.  And that's fine for now, since I have no money to buy food with anyway.

And that brings me to the next point: my stress and my money.  The two are inextricably entwined.  I was trying to budget out my money as best I could so that I would last until my next paycheck.  And calendars be damned, for the 15th falls on a Sunday this month.  I left myself $20 in my bank account after buying things for my mom yesterday, but then last night realized that I would debited $16.13 for my netflix account on the 9th of the month, which is today.  And so I have just over $4 left until next Monday.  I have two cans of dog food and maybe another couple of days of dry do food left.  I know that I can go without eating for a few days if it's necessary, but I don't want Phoenix to go without.  And I will also have to buy gas after Wednesday, as long as I don't drive anywhere but to and from work.  My mom and dad yesterday were also angry that after they had given me the $200 to pay for my enrollment, I still wouldn't babysit for an hour Friday evening.  And so I am extra hesitant to ask for money from them.  I told my mom that I felt that I was helping out quite a bit by being around all the time when we have the kids and she said that I only go over there for food.  Which makes me even more hesitant to ask for help - monetary or otherwise.  So I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do and I am trying not to freak out.

I checked with CU today to see if I would be able to view my financial aid awards yet, and the answer is no.  Apparently I have to physically enroll in classes in order to see my awards, but I am not allowed to enroll in classes until May 11th.  But that's not all!  I have to actually apply separately for financial aid for the summer term - a detail which would have been quite welcome earlier than now, and here's the icing on the cake: I can't apply for the summer financial aid until I am actually enrolled in classes!  And it occurred to me that the way that the tuition schedule works (and if I am not mistaken, it's always been this way and if I am right, I am so far beyond shit-out-of-luck) it may be required that I pay for tuition before I actually receive the financial aid awards, in which case I somehow have to come up with a check for around $4,600 and then be reimbursed.  This information is not at all helpful in my quest to straighten out my finances and try to figure out whether or not I will be able to pay for the school's insurance with loans and grants.  If I can't, then I need to continue paying for my insurance, which I really can't afford.

I thought that maybe I could change my insurance plan, but the company I get insurance through (and make no mistake, this is no endorsement - people should know that this company does this), Golden Rule through United Health, won't allow me to change plans.  I can either cancel my insurance and re-apply (which runs the risk of denial since they've seen the amount of insurance I need and the amount of doctor visits I have each year), or just suck it up and keep paying $140 a month for 70% coinsurance and lower prescription prices on the off chance that I get into some kind of horrific, life-altering accident.  I really, really, really don't know what to do.  I've done my research into other companies and other plans, and there seems to be no coverage that fits my needs out there.  I need prescription coverage and coverage for the three or four doctor visits I have to have to check my thyroid levels and keep my endometriosis in check.  It would be nice if it would also cover mental health, but there's no insurance company that wants to have to pay for that.  So, from where I stand, I am fucked.  Fucked every which way from Sunday.  Fucked whichever way you slice it.  I can't get insurance through work.  I can't afford the private insurance that has agreed to cover me despite my many pre-existing conditions.

Aside from those things, I feel mostly fine.  I had no problem waking up this morning, after all the sleep I got over the weekend.  I didn't sleep well last night, but I'm not all that tired today.  I'm excited to have money again that isn't already allocated elsewhere, even if it's just a little bit of money.  I need a hair cut very badly.  I need to buy some food staples to tide me over, and dog food.  If I can get out of paying for my insurance, I will be the happiest person in the world.  I will be able to pay my parents back.  I will have money I can put into my savings account. 

I suppose the thing that I get hung up on is planning my future.  Or trying to plan for THE future.  If I can get into the Peace Corps, I can sell my car to pay for the stupid-ass student loan I have with Wells Fargo that won't defer with Peace Corps service.  I can stop paying for health insurance I can't afford.  I can get out of what has become a terribly stressful family situation.  I can have an opportunity to start my life over and do something good in the world.  I worry constantly for the future.  I can attribute almost all my stress to worrying about the future.  I can attribute most of my depression symptoms to the present not turning out the way I had hoped.  And I don't know how to change this or fix this.

The days when I feel the best are when I am pleasantly surprised by something turning out more positively than I had planned, and when I am not trying to plan out the future detail by painstaking detail.  And yet, if I didn't try to plan everything out ahead of time, I would miss out on important possibilities, like going back to school, and being able to work everything out financially so I'm not in a huge mess come June 1st.

The only positive aspect: if this keeps up, I'll be at my goal weight in no time!