Not much to write about today. I had a lot of dreams last night. In one, which I remember vividly, I was with Brian and he was in a concert of some kind, and I was so proud of him, and I loved him so much. In another, I went to Hawaii to return some of Aaron's stuff and get some of my stuff back. In another I traveled to China by myself. In one, I went to the plasma place, and I told them which vein to hit, and they hit it, and my skin split apart and I could see into the vein.
So when I woke up this morning, I decided not to go to the plasma place, but it was because I didn't want to be away from Phoenix, and I wanted to spend a full day with him. I got up, put the breakfast casserole into the oven, and took a shower and just messed around. I spent most of the afternoon napping, and I went over to my parents house for dinner. I'd been really craving some homemade chili earlier in the week and I told my dad about it, so he made chili today. It was really delicious, and I left with the rest of the chili to eat later this week. I stress out a lot less when I know that I will be able to eat during the week, and I know I'll be good at least until Wednesday when I plan to go back to the plasma place.
I got home, and Meredi had cleaned. It was GLORIOUS. The kitchen is spotless, the front room is immaculate (excepting the big TV I brought home and some kitchen stuff I have yet to find space for). I like it! It makes me feel much less stressed out, too.
While I was doing nothing today, I turned on the TV and Shallow Hal was on. There is focus in the movie on the Peace Corps, and I suddenly remembered that I had aspired to go into the Peace Corps at one point. The last time I applied was about a year ago, so I tried to get online and check how long I have to re-apply (I think the application is good for two years), but the website was down; but I didn't stop thinking about it.
I cannot find more than one good reason not to go forward with my decision to go into the Peace Corps after I graduate. In fact, I feel like the Peace Corps gives me more incentive to graduate as quickly as possible - maybe even this summer. The Peace Corps pays you while you're gone. It's not much, but it's not money you really need or use while you're deployed, so mostly it gets saved. For every 12 months you're gone, the Peace Corps absorbs 15% of your student loans. They pay for any health care you may require while you're gone. When I come back, I would be going right back to school, and I'd have money to use for whatever I may need.
The only problem I can foresee is Phoenix, and that's not really that big of a problem. My parents love him and spoil him and when I went over there today, they said they'd be more than happy to take care of him while I'm gone, and I trust that he'll be taken care of very well. My dad has really relaxed in terms of his anger and rage, and he knows that I will not tolerate him screaming at Phoenix for any given reason. He gets fed well over there, my mom will make sure he gets plenty of exercise and bones and toys. The only thing I really worry about is how Phoenix will react. He is glued to me most of the time. My parents have told me about how he acts when he's over there, and how he runs around the house obviously looking for me, and about how it's obvious that he misses me while he's there. I know that dogs do feel loss, they're emotionally very sensitive, and so I think he might have trouble with it at first, but then I think he will probably forget about me for the most part. I just worry about getting him back after that. I know how much my parents love him and are attached to him, so I definitely worry that taking him back once I return. But I think that's something I will just have to deal with when it happens.
If I go, I can stop thinking about getting a different car. I can sell my car, and give the money to my parents to pay them back for all the help they've given me over the last few years when I should have been doing it on my own. I would have enough money when I get back for a down payment on a car. I wouldn't have to worry about making enormous student loan payments because I would be going straight back to school.
Lastly, I think that emotionally, this would be the best possible thing for me to do. It would almost completely eliminate my financial stress, and it would give me an opportunity to travel and to do something good in the world - which is something I want more than almost anything. I can't think of anything besides being away from Phoenix that is negative in any way. I've even already taken many steps towards getting the kind of experience that the Peace Corps wants me to have, and I'd have enough time to get even more experience. Before, I was told that they need teachers, and so I needed to get experience in teaching English as a second language. Through my favorite book (The Girl's Guide to Surviving a Breakup, by Delphine Hirsh) I found a link to a website that would help me find places to volunteer teaching ESL. I worked at the Emily Griffith Opportunity School for awhile, teaching English to refugees from all around the world, and it was one of the hardest and most gratifying experiences I've ever had. I could go back to doing that on my days off, and I could find a place to volunteer doing EMT work so that I could also qualify to work in health care while I'm deployed.
And so that is now my focus. I'll need to get in contact with my recruiter and find out whether or not my application is still good, and if not I'll need to restart the application process all over again (for the third time). I'm excited at the prospect of being able to finally see a part of the world that is vastly different from the one I'm used to. I'm excited about being able to get some perspective on the state of my life and learn how to pay much less attention to my mental illness and focus more on the wonderful world that's around me. I am excited to meet new people and help them in a way that is incomparable to anything else. I am excited to get away from the very tiny social world that I have woven for myself and grow as an adult and a human being.
It is going to be great.