Today was a really rough day. Not for any reason in particular, but because I had a meeting with my counselor and I went in kind of on fire. I went in telling her that I felt angry because I am so unbelievably tired of waiting to feel better. Yes, I have a good day here and there, but overwhelmingly my days are either blah or bad. I hate waking up not knowing whether or not my day is going to make me cry a lot or if I'll feel just fine most of the day.
We talked about how difficult it is for me to turn my brain off, how hard it is to calm the chaos that is perpetually ruining my peace of mind. My brain is just constantly going, thinking about a million, bajillion things all at once and it's absolutely exhausting. My therapist told me that when they look at FMRIs of depressed people's brains, that they show that there's intense amounts of activity going on, and that from that, scientists have discerned that depression is a stress-illness. Except that when you look at a depressed person they look completely exhausted and like there's not a single thought in their head. But the reason for that is that there's just so unbelievably much going on in there, so much stress, so much physical reaction to the stress in the mind that they look as though they're not capable of coming up with a coherent thought.
Hearing that from her was kind of a relief, because I feel so exhausted so much of the time and I don't feel like it's warranted at all. She said that depression isn't just sadness, that it robs us of our vitality and our energy and our actual will to do things, while at the same time putting the brain on hyperdrive and overwhelming us with thoughts about what we should be doing and why we're terrible people because we're physically incapable of doing those things.
Anyway, I needed to write that down so that I can remember it. That's all I feel like writing tonight because Ethan is over and he's making me laugh.
We talked about how difficult it is for me to turn my brain off, how hard it is to calm the chaos that is perpetually ruining my peace of mind. My brain is just constantly going, thinking about a million, bajillion things all at once and it's absolutely exhausting. My therapist told me that when they look at FMRIs of depressed people's brains, that they show that there's intense amounts of activity going on, and that from that, scientists have discerned that depression is a stress-illness. Except that when you look at a depressed person they look completely exhausted and like there's not a single thought in their head. But the reason for that is that there's just so unbelievably much going on in there, so much stress, so much physical reaction to the stress in the mind that they look as though they're not capable of coming up with a coherent thought.
Hearing that from her was kind of a relief, because I feel so exhausted so much of the time and I don't feel like it's warranted at all. She said that depression isn't just sadness, that it robs us of our vitality and our energy and our actual will to do things, while at the same time putting the brain on hyperdrive and overwhelming us with thoughts about what we should be doing and why we're terrible people because we're physically incapable of doing those things.
Anyway, I needed to write that down so that I can remember it. That's all I feel like writing tonight because Ethan is over and he's making me laugh.
Fuck you!!!!!
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