Thursday, March 31, 2011

What A Difference A Day Makes

I really wish I had something stimulating to do to fill the down time I have at work.   I was so bored today.  And the seconds ticked by verrrrry slowly.

I had dinner at my parents' house with the kiddos and my mom and my sister, and then came home to veg.  I'm so tired that I worry I might not be able to fall asleep.  That happens sometimes, where I'm so exhausted that I lie down to sleep and close my eyes, but can't fall asleep.  Tomorrow is going to be nice.  I have to show apartments and then I have a chiropractor appointment.  I don't really have a lot to do after that, although I really wanted to go to a party that my roommate's company is putting on because it sounds like it would be a lot of fun and I'd meet a lot of new people, but after paying rent and my student loan payment I'm going to have $110 to get me through the next two weeks and I still owe $120 on my phone bill, plus whatever I'm going to owe for the goddamn 1099 Holly finally sent me, which my dad and I estimate is going to be around $500.  Not real sure what I'm going to do to solve this little problem, but I've made a choice not to ruminate on it because I'll drive myself crazy if I do.  If I can just allow my brain to accept that it's a problem but also accept that at the moment there's no quick or easy solution, I will be just fine.  A lot of my shitty moods are triggered by my realizations that I'm nowhere near as financially stable as I wish I were and that I'm not going to have enough money to pay all my bills AND get enough food for me and Phoenix to eat for two weeks.

Right now, I think all I can really do is see if I can pick up all the Fridays for the month of April to make extra money.  I have reason to believe that it won't be a problem, but you never know.  I'll be asking tomorrow when I go in to show apartments.  I need that extra money and that's the bottom line.  I really don't want to be working the extra days, but it's not the end of the world, especially if I can figure out something to do to stave off boredom.

So I've been dog-sitting the little fart-nugget Rainey since Monday, and Linda came home today.  Meredi has been house/dog-sitting all week, too, so I've been alone in the house for the last three nights and it is absolutely glorious.  I haven't had to step around all the nappy black hair on the bathroom floor, or try to work around anyone cooking in the kitchen or anything.  I cleaned out the refrigerator last night and now it is odor-free and that makes me feel so much better.  I'm guessing it was Linda's old and moldy food that was stinking up the fridge.  It's like the woman doesn't know how to clean!  She doesn't clean up after herself with the exception of her dirty dishes!  I don't understand that, especially since she's a kindergarten teacher!  Don't you think she'd be extra sensitive to mess?  Anyway, that's done and it gives me a little more of a sense of organization and control to my life and  I feel like I can relax a little bit more.

I have a date on Saturday morning that I am ridiculously excited for.  I've been emailing with the guy for about a week now, and talking over instant message with him, and he called me last night.  We seem to be able to talk really fluidly and easily, and we seem to have a bit in common.  He seems very smart and nice and funny and he's tall and kind of scruffy which I really like, and he has tattoos!  I can't wait to meet him.  And a Saturday morning breakfast date is really different!  So far, I am liking what I see.

And now it's bedtime.  I can hardly stay awake any longer.  I have my puppy, and a quiet and empty house, with good food in my tummy and a warm feeling in my heart.  I am content.

Busy, Busy, Like a Bee

I can't believe I am up this late.  I went out tonight, to play trivia at the Waterloo Icehouse with my good friend of many, many years, Thomas.  Thomas is sort of a constant in my life, even if he's not always physically present, he's someone I can depend on coming in and out of my life for the rest of my life.  He's so blessedly smart, he's terribly successful and totally hilarious.  We spent New Years Eve together (2009-2010), drinking, playing Trivial Pursuit with my parents, playing Super Nintendo, drinking some more, and then going to IHOP at 6am.  He's one of my top 5 favorite people in the whole world.  I had so much fun talking with him and playing trivia with him.  We would have done much better if we hadn't missed all damn 6 questions in the category about Norse Mythology.

I was super busy today.  I woke up at 10 to Rainey walking all over me.  I dragged myself out of bed (grudgingly, can you tell?) and got ready for my acupuncture appointment.  That was all the way down in Wheatridge, and I dropped off Phoenix at my parents house before, so I went back after to hang out with my mom for a few minutes, but she had to get going on finishing painting my old bedroom walls bright-ass green and blue as that is now the boys' room.  I then had to go to show apartments, which I didn't want to do because it wasn't warm and sunny out, but rather overcast and chilly and windy.  However, I may have gotten rid of one of the apartments that seems like bajillions of people have looked at but no one seems to want, so that's cool.  I then came home and vegitated for a couple of hours before trivia.  But my stupid ass couldn't seem to hold still, so I cleaned out the refrigerator because it has been SO smelly and I wanted to do it at a time when I was the only one home.  So now it is not smelly and I feel better about it.

Rainey is so freaking gassy I want to gag.  Anytime I was in my room today, she wanted to be in here with me (I don't blame her, she deserves attention and doesn't get much and Phoenix wasn't here), but she was farting and farting and farting, and they were uber-stinky.  I thought briefly that I was going to die.  There must be something about me or my presence that causes dogs digestive systems to go haywire.  I don't understand it.

I have more I want to write about but I really need to get to bed if I have any hope of waking up in the morning to go to work, as sleepy as I have already been this week.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Today dragged by.  Slowly.  I felt really sleepy all day, and had no source of caffeine.  I also had no lunch, and no money with which to purchase food for lunch, so I had M&M's that my boss bought me and some of my flamin' hot lays chips.

I think the only decent part of my day is that I got to chat over an instant messenger with the guy who I'm going to breakfast with on Saturday.  I'm real excited to meet him.  He seems really cool.

Oh my gosh I am so flipping tired I can't even think straight.  I am going to bed.  Maybe tomorrow I will have something more exciting to say.

Monday, March 28, 2011


I'm lonely.  Sometimes I feel like I'm floating around purposeless and with nothing to anchor to.  I like where I live but it doesn't feel like my home.  The only place where there are things here is my room.  I use my roommates dishes and pots and pans to cook and eat.

Today my mood was pretty decent most of the day, but I think that after being up all day, it's just crashing right now.  I have the urges to be impulsive and reckless and I don't know what to do.  I want a drink, but I have no alcohol here at the house, and I don't feel like going out to get some, and even if I did I would feel guilty for spending money on it that would be better allocated someplace else.  I still have percocets left over that I was going to sell for some extra cash but I am thinking about taking a couple of them just so that I can be numb again.  I think my feelings are all coming rushing back to me after taking a few days off and I am confused and I feel very out of control.

I talked to several new guys throughout the day, and while it felt good at the time, I don't think that talking to them is going to do me any good in the long run.  One of them I really like so far, and he and I have a breakfast date on Saturday.  There's another one, who is ripped and hot but is just interested in sex.  I played along for a little while but I think that if I try to go anywhere with him I'm just going to end up feeling that much shittier about myself for not being skinny and fit, and for compromising my morals and my plans for my emotional health.

I forced myself to eat lunch today, even though I had no appetite, and I still have no appetite, which is good because I am pretty much out of food and I don't feel like putting in the effort to cook anything and I don't have the money to spend on more food until the end of this week.

I don't like feeling this way at all, so helpless and as though I can't do anything to change my circumstances.  I know it's a matter of choices, but there is a combination of not wanting to make the right choices and feeling as though I am not capable of making the right choices.  If I were at my mom's right now, she would tell me not to wallow.  To do something to help snap myself out of whatever this funk is.  So I should probably take a shower and get into bed before it gets too late.  That's the only thing I can think of to do that will help me move on. 

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Give Me The Strength...

I know I already posted once tonight, but I feel like I need to write again so that I don't go to bed hanging onto something that has the potential to keep me upset.

I sometimes wonder if I really am a shitty person and I am just deluding myself.  I spent about an hour on the phone with Kara.  I had to call her to tell her that I probably cannot go out to San Diego in April because I won't be able to afford it.  I'm pretty terrible about budgeting my money, and I really REALLY wanted to go out to see her, because she is one of maybe three or four people in this world that has the ability to make me feel good.  I have always loved being around Kara, and she's so real with me, she never really pretends like things are okay if they are not, and she has great insights into what I might be able to do to change my moods.  I feel like I can never thank her enough for being there for me.  After I got off the phone with Kara, I felt so much better.  I felt like whatever dark cloud was hanging over my head had lifted and that I could see things in the light again, however briefly.

And then.  I got on facebook (as I do easily about 100 times every day), to a message from Jamie.  I had sent her a message suggesting that maybe she try Isagenix if she wanted to lose weight before her wedding, and she replied saying that she'd like to try it, but also to tell me how pissed she was that I flaked out on dog-sitting at the last minute when she and Jonas went to Indiana at the beginning of the month.  I am crying right now as I write this.  If she only knew how upset I was about saying no in the first place, and how horrible I felt about not being able to help out, but it also sounds to me like Jonas maybe threw me under the bus and didn't tell her that I told him a couple weeks in advance that I wouldn't be able to do it.  Or he did tell her and then they depended on me being able to do it at the last minute and I said no.  Either way, I was upset about it then, and to know that it upset her that much upsets me all over again.  It makes perfect sense, though.  I'd be upset, too I guess.

Something about having this depression that I hate (as though there were any part of it that I like) is how irresponsible, and undependable and unreliable it makes me.  I make plans when I am feeling good, and because I really do want to do whatever it is I'm making plans to do, but then when the time comes around to actually carry out those plans, I bail, at whatever expense to the other person (or people).  One of the unofficial "resolutions" I made after New Years in 2009 was to be a more reliable person and to follow through on the plans I make or to do whatever it is that I've obligated myself to do, out of both courtesy to the person I've made plans with, and to challenge and change myself.  Getting negative feedback from people when I bail at the last minute is really shitty for self-esteem and I wanted to be able to cut down on that negative feedback so that I had some room to make progress.  For at least the last 6 months I feel like I've been doing really well, with exception to the plans I'd make with Jen and then cancel on, and especially with regards to work and following through on my work obligations.  Apparently, though, I was wrong because in the last few weeks I've gotten two separate emails from two people telling me how mad they are because I've canceled on plans I'd made with them.

Right now, I am sitting here thinking, "God, I must be a really horrible person."  And that is really, really not good.  I need to be giving myself love and compassion.  But all I can focus on is how my actions hurt other people.  Do I ever do anything that is good?  Do I ever do things that make other people feel good?  One of the things that I so often focus on when I'm really down is how maybe my existence on this planet has had nothing but negative affects on everyone I've interacted with.  I know that is hyperbolic, because I know that there are people who love me and whose lives would be vastly different without my influence, but then shit like this happens, where I get negative feedback about how I am unreliable or undependable, and it creeps in and poisons the certainty I feel about being a good person.

I don't want to make people mad, or make anyone's life difficult.  God knows, I know better than anyone else that we all do a good enough job of making our own lives difficult without others doing it, too.  I just wish that I could be as different as I want to be without having to stumble and make mistakes along the way.  I need friends and support and I seem to be really good at screwing myself out of both because it looks like I don't care when I really, really do.

Oh, I hope I get past this episode quickly.

The Definitely Not Good

Again, nothing to write about.  Didn't do much today.  Skipped soccer this morning.  Went over to my parents house to bring my mom her birthday card and gift, hung out for a little while with the kiddos and came back home.

The Depression is definitely coming back, full force.  All I really want to do is sleep.  I don't really care about anything, and I feel mostly numb.  I thought momentarily about Brian and Bryn again, but it was because I was watching the beginning of the movie Valentine's Day and felt nauseated again, but it went away pretty quickly.  I get momentary flares of emotion, but they go as quickly as they come.  I'm not sure what I like more, the not caring about anything and not feeling anything, or the feeling every little thing and being capable of feeling every little thing.

I feel sorry for Phoenix.  I still care for him, feed him and play with him and give him belly rubs and talk to him, but I have to remind myself of his need of my affection and force myself to give it to him.  That's not good.  I don't walk him at all anymore, and I took him to the dog park last weekend but I didn't do it this weekend even though the weather was good.  I excuse this by telling myself that he gets tons of exercise and socialization time with Lucky and Duke and Rainey and Nali, but that's just an excuse.  Phoenix needs more exercise and he needs to get out of the house just as much as any other dog.  I'm being a terrible doggy-mommy but I have a hard enough time forcing myself to function normally, so how can I properly care for him?  Last weekend when I was feeling really really down, and crying for no reason, my mom asked me if I needed to leave Phoenix over there with them so that he could be cared for, and I declined, but I wonder if he may not need to spend a little more time over there to get the attention I seem to be unable to give him.

I know this isn't good, but I don't really think there's much I  can do about it.  I should probably try to get back into therapy, but I don't want to have to put forth the effort of making and keeping an appointment, and I can't afford it, and I have no desire to put the heavy burden of guilt on myself that I would be doing if I asked my parents to pay for it.

The only real way I can label how I'm feeling or not feeling is that I just don't care.  It's not that if the house were on fire that I wouldn't care about getting out, but I just don't want to do anything or see and interact with anyone.  I'd rather just be asleep.

Yeah.  This is bad.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Almost Wordless

Literally nothing to write about today because I literally didn't do anything.  I attempted to lighten my hair back to the light blond it was, unsuccessfully apparently because it is still rather dark although my roots are now blond.  I guess it's a process.  I'll try again in a week or so.  Maybe I'll try a different brand of dye.  I don't like the color it is now but I think it's a lot closer to my natural color.  I don't feel quite so unnatural.

I did my best to get caught up on sleep today, took a few naps and I am ready to get into bed right now.  Tomorrow I have my first soccer game of the season (yay!) which I am usually really excited about, but it's going to be hella awkward with Jen.  I also wonder if I will get in trouble for playing since I'm still "recovering" from the back injury.  That doc, man.  I wonder if he's a quack.  He says I'm not supposed to lie on my left side, but it's really uncomfortable to lie on my right side only.  Also, my lower back hurt a little bit today, not where the injury was but my whole lower back, so I wonder why.  It might have been from playing with the kids and holding the baby yesterday.  I don't want to be one of those wimps who are super sensitive to back pain after an injury.  So I guess we'll just have to see how I feel after soccer tomorrow.


Friday, March 25, 2011


I am absolutely drained.  I babysat the kiddos today, and my patience ran out right around 5pm.  Today is little H's 4th birthday, but he didn't really seem to care until he discovered he'd be getting presents and cake.  He picked chicken nuggets and french fries for dinner, and so my parents decided to get McDonald's for us all just to make it easy.

Yesterday after I left work I went to my first acupuncture/chiropractor appointment.  It was interesting.  I felt only slightly belittled by the doctor, who scolded me for sleeping on my left side even though it is my "longer" side (apparently my pelvis has very little tilt to it, and my right side is slightly shorter than the left).  He told me that I injured my ilio sacral ligament on the left side (although after looking at diagrams I don't see how that's possible), and he used a little chiropractic tool on a couple of pain spots and then poked me with needles.  Afterwards, he asked me how I felt and I honestly didn't feel any different, and I am not sure how I was supposed to feel.  I don't really even know enough about acupuncture to know what exactly it is supposed to accomplish.  Anyway, the doctor assures me that after 4 visits I will be feeling ship-shape and great.  He also suggested that I come back after for non-work comp visits so he can fix my headaches.  I'll take that under advisement, but I will probably ask around for other chiropractic specialists to see if I can't find one I like and have researched a bit.

After that, I ran home to pack some overnight stuff and headed to my parents house.  I dropped off my stuff and met up on date #1 with this guy I've been talking to.  Afterwards, I again, didn't feel any differently.  I wasn't even that nervous going into it.  We sat and talked for 2 hours, and we are great conversationalists because there was never an awkward lull in the conversation.  Turns out he is an electrical engineer and is in grad school for his masters in electrical engineering.  I don't think I knew that, and considering my affinity for school and education, that gives him major points.  He's kind of goofy looking - tall and gangly, with curly red hair and blue eyes.  I didn't feel any kind of instant connection, no big spark, no major chemistry between us, but I know I need to give him a chance and so I will.  He's ten years older than me, and divorced, but those are just facts about him.  If nothing else, I could use the attention and affection if he wants to give those things to me.

Just writing that now, made me think back on my first kiss with Brian.  I don't know what the connection was between us, I don't think it has a name, but that was the only time in my life when I've felt that with anyone.  I remember that it was in his car when he came up to visit me at CSU and I literally floated back upstairs to my dorm room afterwards.  I was in a daze for awhile after that.  It's terrifying to imagine that I will never feel that with anyone ever again, and frustrating.

Anyway, I stayed at my parents house last night and was awakened around 8am to begin my long babysitting shift while my dad took my mom to work and my sister left for work.  I had a lot of fun with the kids today, and being around them is heartwarming and it really takes my mind off of my own stuff because I'm so focused on their wants and needs, especially the baby.  Oh the baby!  She's started walking around the house all by herself and it's so strange to see after watching her learn to crawl and spending so much time coaxing her to walk.  And she's so damn cute.  She's really good-natured, although very much like her mother in terms of her demeanor.  She's got very little patience.  But she did great today.

After not sleeping well, I was dying for a nap by the time I put the kids down, but I had to go out and go shopping for presents for H and my mom, whose birthday is on Sunday.  I spent WAY more money than I had planned on spending, but I found Thor toys which H has been asking for since Christmas, so I had to get them.  And apparently my parents are short on money (again) and so I really wanted to get as much stuff as I could.  God, those kids are spoiled!  Every inch of their room is covered in toys!  But having Hunter get all the attention today was a little too much for Z, and he broke down and cried at least 3 times around dinner time because he didn't want to wait for H to open his presents until after dinner, and also because he kept offering Ranch dressing to everyone but no one wanted any.  He's a lot like his mother, too.

But now I am home, and completely exhausted, as is Phoenix.  It looks like Nali is feeling a lot better, and Meredi should be home any time now and I think I should try to get to bed before she gets home so that I don't accidentally stay up chatting with her into the night.  I like her, and I would love to chat with her, but I am so freaking tired that I don't know how much longer I can physically stay conscious.

Mostly today I've felt numb, all around.  I can't really pinpoint one thing that any of the kids did or said today that completely cracked me up.  I feel pretty indifferent towards my date last night and towards any possible subsequent dates to follow.  I don't know if it's just because I am really tired or if I am out of feelings.  I hope it's the latter because being so flipping sensitive to every little thing is really exhausting and I'm really annoyed with it.

Oh, and I have to come up with $200 to be able to enroll in school.  Don't know how I'm going to do that.  Maybe prostitution?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Crack and a Poke

Oh boy.  So, last night was a repeat of the night before last, with poor Nali being up and about all night long.  I tried to get her settled in my room, but she kept getting up and walking around, and whining to go outside, so I must have gotten up with her a good 5-6 different times from 9pm on.  I texted Meredi to let her know what was going on and she said that Nali is probably not feeling well because she usually only whines to go outside when she's sick.  Which makes me feel even worse for her because when you're sick, you just want your mommy, and her mommy isn't here, and I'm no substitute even if I do feed her and give her water (she's been drinking like gallons of water) and let her chew bones and give her snacks and let her outside and let her sleep on my bed with Phoenix and me.  I just wanted to help her feel better, but I don't know how!  I don't know what to give a dog with an upset stomach!  We slept with the window open and the fan on last night so maybe she would relax and cool off, but that didn't help.  Poor thing!  It makes me wonder if being around me makes dogs sick!! 

I probably won't have time to write anything later tonight.  Braden, our neighbor, has grabbed Nali from the house and will keep her tonight, and so I am going to run home after my chiropractor appointment and change my clothes(?) and pack an overnight bag and go back to my parents house.  Then I'm meeting up with New Guy #85 (or so it seems, it's more like 5 or something since I've started blogging) for drinks or whatever - we have made no actual plans yet - and then I am spending the night at my parents house since I'm the only one who can take little Z to school tomorrow morning.  God, I love those kids.  Tomorrow is H's 4th birthday and when I dropped Phoenix off this morning, all he could tell me is "My birthday is in March!"  And I kept telling him it is tomorrow, but that didn't really sink in.  So we are going to celebrate his birthday tomorrow and Grammy's on Sunday.  My sister has to work all day tomorrow, so I am spending the day at my parents house babysitting so my dad can get some work done.  Normally my mom is home on Thursdays and Fridays, but she's working all week this week to cover for another nurse.  I don't mind one bit - those kids put a smile on my face and a big ol' warm spot right in the middle of me.  They might as well be my own as much as I love them.

This morning when I came into work, the cleaning lady was still here (I think she may stick around just so she gets to talk to me in the morning because she seems to enjoy it so much even though I quite dread it), and I said to her that I was really tired because Nali had kept me up a good part of last night and that I was nervous about being able to stay away through the day today, and she suggested that I try a Xing tea with energy in it because it works for her (I had mentioned that caffeine and energy drinks don't do anything for me), and then she left and came back with a Xing tea, an energy drink and the Whole Foods version of a 5-Hour Energy for me since they didn't have the Xing energy tea.  So, I was able to stay awake and productive all day at work.  On top of that, I finally had my 90-day review (30 days late) and I got really good feedback from my boss.  Apparently she considers me to be very reliable, and that makes me very, very happy since that was the one thing I was trying to accomplish with this job.  I can tell she likes me a lot.  So I get a $.50 an hour raise (blah!  I wanted $1!), and I get to keep my job.  I also told her that I will be changing my availability come summer because I am going back to school.  Yes!  I have officially been accepted for readmission at CU Boulder!!  I was very worried, but I have nothing to worry about now except getting a schedule put together!

And so I end this post with a positive attitude and a bit of a queasy stomach from all the caffeine.  I'm off to the chiropractor (attempting to sneak out a few minutes early to get there on time) and then a date.  I do so enjoy Thursdays.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Moody Blues

So, I'm in charge of watching Nali while Meredi is in Vegas, where she just up and decided to go yesterday.  I'm not complaining, I love Nali, and so does Phoenix.  I thought for sure that she'd be just fine with us because there have been two nights where she's slept in my room with us even when Meredi is home.  But, not so much.  She got up to get a drink about 50 times, and she would go from on my bed, to on the floor, to under my bed.  She wouldn't be still for more than a couple hours at a time.  So, I didn't sleep great.  It's okay though, because I was "off" today.  I had to get up for an appointment with the occupational health doc for my last follow-up, but that was it today.  I was able to finagle a referral to a chiropractor out of them.  I'm supposed to see the chiropractor tomorrow.  I got back home and cleaned a bit and took a short nap.

Man, I was really miserable last night.  I got home and got into bed with the pups and watched an episode of Shameless, and then talked on the phone for a little while with a new guy.  He seems to be really nice, and we made plans to get together after work tomorrow, except I made the chiropractor appointment and that is going to throw a wrench into that whole thing.  I'll call him in a little while to ask him if we can reschedule.  Talking to him cheered me up, because I had to force myself to act like I was in a good mood even though I really wasn't.  I'm glad I talked to him, though, because it diverted my thoughts long enough to change my mood.

I was in a good mood most of today, though, because the only people I had to interact with were, in fact, dogs.  I got some laundry done and I cooked myself a humongous veggie-tofu sweet-and-sour stir fry, which was good if I'd had any appetite.  While I was standing in the kitchen cleaning and cutting the vegetables, twice I almost passed out just standing there.  Once I sat down on the stairs but I guess I didn't give myself enough time because I almost passed out again and luckily made it upstairs to my bedroom without passing out.  It was a little scary, though, because I've never actually fainted, but I have been close and I don't like how helpless I feel when I get all hot and dizzy and starry-eyed.  I also didn't want to wake up lying on the filthy kitchen floor.  It may have been because I didn't eat before dinner today, but I did have a grape soda (yum, that's my most recent addiction) so I doubt it was low blood sugar.

And that pretty much brings me here.  I am still feeling pretty decent, and I have managed to mostly keep my mind occupied today.  I have, however, been thinking about my "dating" situation, which is actually pretty much non-existent.  Being on the free dating site has helped me talk to bajillions of guys, but I can't seem to keep any one guy's interests, except the guy I'm supposed to meet tomorrow.  There's one guy I was talking to who is absolutely adorable, and he even said we should go on a breakfast date, but that's the last I heard from him.  I know I shouldn't allow my feelings to get hurt since I don't actually know any of the guys, but I'd like to think that I'm an interesting and smart and funny person, although perhaps I am wrong.

I wish I were able to just forget about things, let them go, but I can't.  When I called my boss to find out if she wanted me to come in for just one showing, I realized that I stupidly didn't call the tenant whose apartment being shown to let her know someone would be coming, and I heard the frustration and disappointment in my boss's voice when I told her I hadn't done that.  I hate to think that I've become "unreliable" in her eyes, and I plan to speak to her tomorrow about my stupidity.  It definitely momentarily altered my mood.  I tried to tell myself that it's ultimately not my problem and that since I wasn't working it would effect me in no way at all, but because I'm a perfectionist, that didn't work.

I need to get into bed now.  I'm being optimistic that I can maintain a decent mood through tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

After Digging Without Knowing It, I've Discovered...

I must say: I do not like working in a job where I periodically get yelled at for things that are out of my control.  First of all, I will not be volunteering to show properties again.  Ever.  Yesterday, I was put in the awkward and difficult position of taking phone calls to schedule showings on the properties.  My boss, with the knowledge that this week is Spring Break for CU, decided not to schedule showings as we have been doing, but instead show by appointment only.  It was my job yesterday to take the phone calls of the people calling to set up showing appointments, and make sure that Anna was okay with the appointments I was setting up. 

In my fluster of taking phone calls and setting appointments yesterday(which included receiving forwarded emails from my boss and forwarded voicemails, and returning the calls and emails), on top of my normal job duties of answering phones, sorting mail, putting postage on every single piece of mail that leaves our building, and keeping tabs on where, exactly, everyone I answer phones for was located throughout the day, I forgot to alert one of our existing tenants to the fact that we would be showing their unit today.  This particular tenant has twin baby girls, and only lives in the apartment during the week, and on weekends they live in some mountain mansion. 

Then, today, I called a tenant to tell her we would be stopping by to show her apartment tomorrow and she yelled at me because she just moved in and doesn't want her schedule all screwed up.  It's not my fault in any way.  She's signed a lease that ends in August and my job is to get someone to sign a lease that starts in August and goes for a year.  Blerg! 

I don't understand whatever quality it is that seems to be present in the majority of people that allows them to take their anger and frustration and direct it towards whomever they are dealing with instead of using it in a more meaningful manner.  I think that it is a sign of great weakness to yell at someone when they are not actually the target of your anger.  I am talking about this in almost a purely customer-service oriented fashion.  How hard is it to swallow your rage long enough to be cordial to the person who is trying to help you?   I think a whole lot of people would be surprised with how far a smile goes, even if it is fake.

It occurred to me that this is about the time of year that my mood usually plummets and I struggle to regain ground all the way through like October.  That's 6-8 months of feeling generally crappy.  Which sucks!  Tiffany suggested that I may need a change in my medications, and she's probably right.  It's something I hadn't thought of (ironically, since that's often my first thought when my mood alters), but I'll either add or subtract half an effexor to my normal regimen for the next few months.  I'm not trying to predict the future, but I am definitely worried because I have been having a really hard time correcting my moods lately.  I should point out, to you and to me, that I am able to correct my miserable moods, it just takes a lot more work than I would like it to take.

What it comes down to are the choices I make.  I can choose to stay in a crappy mood, or I can choose to focus on something different.  I mostly have a hard time getting my mind off of something it is stuck on, for example, lately (and this morning) all I could think about was Brian.  I dreamed about him last night and my mind seemed to be intent upon processing the dream and reliving all the really good memories I have of him, random ones.  I can make the choice to let my brain run away with the memories and the feelings, or I can choose to put a stop to it, and today I had to forcibly stop myself from thinking about him.  I literally had to say "stop" out loud in order to make it happen, but I was able to switch gears and focus on other things.  It is really, really difficult sometimes.

I think a lot about having Borderline Personality Disorder.  From what I've read, and to break it down to it's most empirical form, it means not really having an identity of one's own.  Like, instead of having my own identity, I would identify with the people in my life who are important: my parents, my sisters, Tiffany, Kara, Former Bestie, theoretical Boyfriend, etc.  As it is, I tend to pick certain qualities I like in certain people and emulate them.  When I was younger, I picked qualities from characters from TV - Phoebe from Friends, for example.  Now that I'm older and I have a better grasp of reality, I guess I pick and choose characteristics of people I like or want to be like to give myself a sense of identity.  I think that perhaps I am not so bad, though, because when I try to capture my sense of identity, I think: funny, smart, really smart, scary smart, compassionate, generous, and caring.  But there are also characteristics of me that I don't like: insecure, uncertain, immature, and mundane.  The characteristics that I don't like are all me, and the characteristics I do like are me, but they're characteristics I have grown from tiny seedlings of characteristics in others that I admire into characteristics that are mine simply because I have weeded out the aspects of them that I don't like.

I worry a lot.  I worry that I don't have control of any part of my life, and that the decisions I make are decisions that will inevitably hold me back in some way from whatever future I am destined to have.  More than anything, I want to be noticed, and held in esteem by more than just my family.  I was thinking about it the other day, and I remember how when I was with Brian, he refused to put me in his "Top Friends" on myspace.  Obviously, that is a really stupid and petty thing, but it hurt my feelings to no extent because I felt that he saw me as a person of lesser importance than the other 8 people he proudly displayed on his page.  When I was with Aaron, I tried and tried to get him to advertise his relationship with me via myspace or facebook, and he blatantly refused, and it was like reliving how unimportant I was to Brian all over again.

I'm tearing up just remembering these things and it's almost time for me to leave work, so I need to get my shit together so I can get out of here.  If I really budgeted for it, I could go back and see my therapist again, and I think that I need to because whatever feeling of negligence or unimportance I feel I think I have found the root of and I want to get it worked out as soon as humanly possible so that I never have to feel that way again.  Since my sister got a job, maybe I can talk my parents into allotting me $100 a month so that I can be in regular therapy sessions again.  I definitely need it.

Monday, March 21, 2011

From Abhorrence to Peace; I Will Love Myself

Man, I woke up in easily as bad of a mood as I went to bed in, and it was made subsequently worse when I wanted to leave for work but couldn't because I hadn't brushed my teeth yet and Linda was in the bathroom.  She finally vacated the bathroom 7:05 (I try to leave at 7), and I went in there to find out that she'd just taken a shit and it stunk in there!! How inconsiderate!  So, with that on top of finding the drain hair on my conditioner bottle last night means I have to confront her.  I can't live like this.  I just worry about how she will react.  I can reasonably assume that she won't react like my older sister would, but I have already had enough interaction with her to know that she will try to make me feel stupid, and stupid I will feel.  I'm already all worked up, and the only way I will be able to keep myself from turning bright red in the face and neck is if I get angry and show her that I am angry, but that doesn't seem like a good option.

I hate confrontation.  I get so nervous and even if I have everything worked out for what I want to say, my brain moves faster than my mouth and I end up sounding like a retard.  What I really want to do is be just as petty and immature back, but that won't solve anything and it will probably just make me feel worse about myself.  I'm definitely not going to do anything tonight.

And then there's the shit with Jen.  Everything started when she posted a comment on my facebook wall about my new hair color, and I took it offensively, based on how it was phrased.  I even asked Former Bestie what she thought when she read the comment and she took it in the same context I did, which was that Jen didn't like the way I looked with blond hair.  So I told Jen that I was offended by the comment, and she removed it, but not before getting pissy with me about how I shouldn't have been offended because she didn't mean it that way.  The problem is that nearly everything that comes out of her mouth has some tone of judgment or conceit to it, and so that's how I took it.  The other thing is that Jen didn't think about how she was phrasing it before she wrote it there for the whole world to see, and I'm frustrated by that.

I had invited Former Bestie and Fiance out to run in the Colfax Marathon Relay with us, but after arguing with Jen, I had made a point of not speaking to her, and I asked Former Bestie to tell Jen that I had invited her out.  Two days later I get a scathing email that started out telling me that she is leaving me high and dry and "running with another team" - which means that she and Rachel and I am guessing some guy she works with are putting together a team of their own which won't include me.  Then she goes on to tell me that I am in fact the one that is the more negative person of the two of us and my negativity is what makes her a negative person (I should mention that in our argument before about her comment about my hair, I told her I was tired of her being so negative all the time and dragging me down).  It is here that I would like to point out to her - someone who I have repeatedly tried to see things from a different perspective instead of her own one-sided and judgmental perspective - that she apparently does not understand what people mean when they say that she's "negative."  Negative doesn't mean being in a bad mood all the time.  Negative means bitching and complaining about every single diminutive wrong that one sees as a personal attack.  It means bitching because the referee called the game on account of the other team's behavior and then losing said game, or it means bitching because you don't get enough hours at work, or because you've sent 200 resumes out and not heard back from a single company, or because you hate your job.  It means never looking at things optimistically or hopefully.  And there's a big difference between being negative and being realistic.  You can be realistic and still be optimistic or hopeful.  Being negative means assuming the worst, or expecting the worst or refusing to change because you're too scared that you won't know how to deal with something new.

I told Jen that when I say I want to go out and do something, and then decide not to go, it's almost always because of money.  She gets very upset if I say I'm going to do something and then bail.  When I say I want to do something, I genuinely want to do it, and it's often later that I decide not to because I can't afford it.  And I can't afford it because I am now paying for rent, utilities, and food for me and my dog.  I made a point of saying that I don't agree with her money management skills because she bitches and complains that she hates her job and can't find a "real" job (to her, "real" means 40 hours a week at $15 an hour or more), and that's why she can't move out of her parents house.  The money she does make working her shitty retail job goes to paying down her credit cards (with which she paid for her entire college education regardless of the fact that the interest rates are twice if not more than twice what a student loan's interest rates would be), and clothes.  She spends her money on $200 shoes and the like without batting an eye, and to me, $200 is two trips to the vet for Phoenix.  If she'd simply save her money, and make the minimum payments on her (multiple) credit cards, she could afford to move out, even on her shitty retail job salary.

If I could map our the source of Jen's negativity, it would go something like this:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 

Now I will take responsibility for my capability of being a huge bitch, as well as responsibility for my own upsets and moods.  I am well aware of when and why I am in a bad mood and I write about them every single day.  I will take responsibility for caring too much about my friend's current life situation in which she seems perfectly content to live in whilst continuing to complain about the aspects of it that she hates yet refuses to change.

However, I am optimistic that my life's circumstances will change.  I am hopeful that I will eventually get a handle on my mental health so that I don't go through day after day after day of misery.  I moved out of my parents house because I could not stand living there any longer with my older sister, and I may not be able to go out to dinners and events every single weekend (much less twice in a weekend), but I am satisfied with my place in the world right now.  I come and go as I please, I decide what I am eating for dinner every night, I am responsible for doing my own dishes and no one else's and most importantly, I do my own laundry.  In my opinion, someone who is 26, and has never moved out of their parents' house is terrified of actually having to take responsibility for their own happiness, and will continue to place blame on anyone and anything that will allow them to retain what sense of dignity they still have.

Bottom line: I am pissed.  She has blamed me for her own (genetic) propensity to be a negative Nancy, when we rarely speak and even more rarely see one another.  I am not going to take this shit lying down.  I am responsible for my own happiness, and while I would not classify myself as "happy" on any given day, I know that I am working hard each and every single day towards what will give me satisfaction in this life.  Which is much more than I can say for her.

I spent some time talking with Former Bestie this morning, and explaining how the stress of these two players in my life was upsetting me so much, and she responded, "Don't let this stuff get to you, you're better than that."  And she's right!  I spoke to Kara last night and I told her I didn't understand why I'm so upset by such petty, meaningless stuff when there's real catastrophe going on in the world and people's lives are in danger!  So after this post, I am going to put my confrontation with Linda on the back-burner of my brain and just enjoy the rest of this sunny day.  I'm going to make myself a delicious veggie stir-fry for dinner and watch the most recent episode of Shameless (J. Chat has a new facebook profile and I'm still his friend!) and use the Buddhist mantra, "Let it go...."

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Piss Me Off??

I am having a lot of trouble today.  I'm already still upset about finding out about Brian, but on top of that I have to deal with drama involving Jen which is pissing me off more than I want to admit AND my roommate that consistently leaves her nappy long black hair all over the bathroom we share (including her own drain hair which I am not sure she is aware of) has again taken my own drain hair and this time placed it on my conditioner bottle so as to alert me to its presence.  What the hell is that?  I feel like she's being awfully superior about the principle of cleaning up after oneself when she doesn't do it.

I spent until 1pm in bed, lying around, watching TV and movies, and then I got up and took Phoenix to the big dog park.  The weather was really nice, although overcast, and it felt really good to get out and do something by myself, on my own terms.  The only problem is that I read a message I received from Jen right before I left and it pissed me off, so I spent most of the walk brewing over how I wanted to respond.

I want to get to bed right now and I am not going to go into the details, but I am sure that in my extremely superfluous time tomorrow I will be blogging about it so I can work it out and get it out of my head once and for all.

Positive note: my older sister got a job today.  THANK GOD.  It's just waiting tables, so it's not going to be anything that she can use to support herself or her kids, but it definitely takes the weight off of my parents shoulders.  They will probably not have to pay for her cigarettes or gas money or coffee money or spending money anymore.  Note the use of the word "probably," being that my sister is not great with money and is apt to spend it on unnecessary things.  So we will see.  But this is a small victory.

I don't know how I am going to get to sleep when I'm still all fired up but I am going to try.  If I can convince myself to let it go until tomorrow, then I will be fine.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

A Whole Lot of Nothing

I really don't feel like writing tonight, so this is going to be a short one.  I had fun with Tiffany last night, she is a really good person to be around when I'm feeling blue because she's goofy and funny and also really caring and compassionate.  I'm so glad to have her back in my life, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

We started at the Rio, where I had two margaritas and a beer, then went over to the Walrus for a shot, and then went to Hapa where I had sushi, and ordered sake for us (she hated it) and we had some dessert there, too.

I woke up hungover, with a decent headache, so I took some aspirin and drank a bunch of water and went back to bed.  I slept over and stayed at my parents house all day today, just hanging out with the kiddos and lazing around.  It was really nice not to have anything to do for a change, although I could have used some busy time to keep myself out of my head.

I'm still blue.  Still feeling badly about myself and still upset over the news of Brian.  I really want to just give up, on myself and on my hopes of ever finding love.  It's really exhausting and even more disappointing, and I don't handle disappointment well.  Tonight I plan to watch TV and just zone out to the best of my ability.  I am going to sleep really well without there being any kids here running around and making noise.

I need a vacation, but one that I don't have to pay for.  I'm getting really worried that I won't be able to afford to go to San Diego in April.  Shit.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Just Kill Me Now

Just when I was trying to put a stop to the ridiculous mood swings I've been having, and trying to restabilize and refocus on my recovery, healing, rehabilitation, whatever you want to call it, the worst happens: I find out that Brian and Bryn are now engaged.

I've often been told that God never gives us more than we can handle; what doesn't kill us makes us stronger; everything happens for a reason; time heals all wounds...And I try really REALLY hard to abide by those pearls of wisdom, and some days it works, but mostly they're just meaningless combinations of nouns and verbs.

Today is one of those days when all I see are the words.  My instinct is to go home and crawl under the covers and pull them over my head until I am able to successfully comprehend this information and digest it and figure out what effect it will have on the rest of my life, in a safe place.  I say safe in that it's a place I can be where I'm totally disgusting, un-showered, no makeup, in sweatpants and stinky.  I haven't seen Brian in going on three years, I have absolutely nothing to do with Brian on any kind of basis, and what he does in his everyday life has no effect on me.

But I've been thinking about him quite a lot lately, and the dreams I have of him have not stopped.  The dreams are always the same: he's left Bryn and come back to me and I am happier than I have ever been.  I don't actually believe that this will ever happen, but there is a part of my heart or maybe my brain that wishes it would happen.  I'm not sure what good it does me to hope, because that is one thing that I will never have.

I'm doing everything in my power not to cry, and I'm doing pretty well.  I don't want to cry at work because I don't want to have to explain why I am crying to anyone because that will open the floodgates.  I've let a few tears escape, but I've managed to keep myself in check for the most part.  I'm doing the best I can to remind myself that I am in control of my emotions, and that they are not in control of me, and that seems to be working.

Originally I had planned to meet Tiffany for Rio margaritas immediately after work so that I didn't have to drive myself home and waste precious time I could be spending imbibing highly alcoholic beverages, but I think I smell (I only washed my hair this morning), and I am not terribly comfortable in the clothes I am wearing and I think I will feel much better if I am able to quietly break down and have a good cry before I attempt to do anything that isn't what I feel like doing (hibernating for three days).

I think the biggest part of why I'm upset is the simple fact that I am upset.  I want nothing more than to be over Brian, to not love him anymore, to be able to remember the shit he put me through and all the reasons that we broke up.  I need to remind myself that he is not the perfect guy, that he and I were different people to begin with, and have become even more different over the 5 year span of time that we have been apart.  I want to forget him, forget that he exists and forget the very deep and meaningful connection I felt to him back then.  I want to be angry at him for hurting me and for breaking my heart and making it so difficult for me to function as a normal human being and to be loving and lovable again.  I want to stop blaming him for changing me and be able to take responsibility for who and what I am today.  I just really want to be able to go about my life as though nothing has changed.

I have been trying to prepare myself for this possibility for a long time.  I have kept discreet tabs on Brian and Bryn for the last five years, and always wondered when it would happen.  I think the last time I Twitter-stalked Brian, I was actually hoping to discover that they'd been engaged or already married or something to that effect, so that I could finally put an end to the ridiculous hope or whatever it is that I harbor for him and get past all of this. 

I fucking HATE this desperation I feel for want of a romantic companion.  I want to just be happy with me and nothing more.  I do have a great life, and I should really consider myself lucky.  I have a dog that I love with all my heart, and I have a wonderful family and a bunch of very good friends who are (almost) as supportive of me as I need them to be.  I have a decent job in a really shitty economy, and I am staring an opportunity to go back to school this summer in the face.  I have two adorable nephews that love me to death.  I'm reasonably healthy, bar the endometriosis and hypothyroidism and depression.  And in the big scheme of things, I am lucky.  I live in a beautiful place that is low-risk for natural disasters and is economically sound.  There is relatively no violence in my community and I'm educated, so any of my progeny has a good chance of being successful compared to a lot of other Americans or anyone in a third-world country. 

So I don't think that attempting to gain perspective is going to be useful for me in this situation.  Other advice that has been imparted to me is to go out, get drunk and get some ass tonight.  I don't think that will be particularly useful, either.  I just need to find a way to be happy - satisfied - with myself, just as I am, and stop trying to change me into someone that I'm not.  Which might include trying to be a more stable person.  Maybe it's just too hard for someone like me to be that way. 

On a lighter note, the creepy guy at my work struck again today.  He was leaving for the rest of the day, and he asked me, "You gonna miss me?"  I looked at him like he was crazy, and then he said, "Is that my name tattooed on your wrist?"  At which point I told him, "You are a crazy person."  What a creeper.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Disturbance

I'm perturbed right now.  Everything was just fine until I stopped getting text messages.  Earlier, I texted Tim to see if he wanted to meet up for beers at Conor O'Neil's, and never got a response.   Then I got on facebook a minute ago to see that he's there right now, with his brother, who I know.  So either he didn't get my text (unlikely) or he ignored me.  I hate being ignored.

On top of that, I've just stopped hearing from the newest guy I'd been talking to from the free dating site.  Again, I feel ignored.

When you're someone who has a lot of trouble caring for themselves and who has low self-esteem as it is, having people ignore you just makes you feel that much worse.  I feel like I don't matter!  I shouldn't ever have to feel that way, right?  I should feel loved and cared for, and I don't!  It doesn't matter that the people I want to hear from aren't people I'm close to, because of the manner of the mental illnesses I have, it's still very painful to think that no one cares or respects you enough to respond when you speak to them.  What the hell.

Uneventful St. Patty's

Since 6am, my mood has gone from awesome to blah.  I really was in a good mood when I woke up this morning, perhaps because I felt so efficient yesterday, or because I was able to use my new shower head to wet my hair down this morning in preparation of styling, or because my dog is so frigging cute, but that mood has since waned.  I know why, too.

I had a therapist ask me once to tell her what my best day would be, and why.  I told her it would be one day where a bunch of different people were texting and calling me because then it would mean that there were people out there who were thinking of me, which I rarely grasp.  I didn't really communicate with anyone yesterday, besides my family members and the people I talked to while I was working, and it didn't bother me one bit.  I was busy and running around all over the place and just not cooped up inside my head wondering why the hell people weren't trying to get in touch with me.  When I went to bed last night, I had just started texting a guy from the free dating site who I thought was super cute, and he met most of my expectations, the first of which being that he is tall.  After texting back and forth for just a few minutes (read: 10 minutes), he asked me for a picture.  From my experience with texting with guys, I knew exactly where this was headed, and I told him I wasn't going to send him a picture because I was already in bed, which was mostly true.  I had showered, removed my makeup, and I looked like crap.  As I do most nights before I go to bed.  I think this is my opinion - especially right now - because my eyelashes are blond, and therefore invisible unless I'm wearing mascara, and with brown hair and brown eyebrows, blond eyelashes look even weirder.

Anyway, the guy sort of stopped texting when I told him I wasn't sending him a picture.  I hate that!  I appreciate technology as much as the next guy, and it's pretty awesome that we can send each other pictures via text message and everything, but that doesn't mean that I want to be SEXTING with someone I don't know!!  I have sort of made up my mind not to go anywhere sexually with someone that I don't have very deep and meaningful feelings for (read: LOVE), because as I woman I am biologically tuned to associate sex with feelings/love and I don't want to confuse myself.  I don't want to go there with a guy, thinking that it might mean we are making a connection of some kind only to find out it was purely physical for him.  I think that's what happened with Aaron.  Except he was really good at making me think he really loved me.

Anyway, I am simply not interested in doing the sort of no-strings-attached thing with any guys right now, and while he seemed like he was interested in pursuing me for a short while there, I think I know better.  And that's not to say that it doesn't sort of hurt my feelings to find out that a guy isn't exactly interested in getting to know me, because it does, I'm just learning how to deal with that aspect of the online-dating thing.

I have been in contact with what seems like MILLIONS of guys on there, and it usually starts out with a few getting-to-know-you emails, and if it gets past that point (one of us usually loses interest and simply stops replying, but only half the time it's me), then I give the guy my number and we send texts back and forth for awhile.  There is one guy that I've been emailing for going on a week now, just sort of goofy things, with teensy bits of personal information in them, and I like that.  No pressure.  I haven't physically met any of the guys from the site since Nick, but I'm trying to shop around, so to speak, and explore my options.  I'm not great at balancing several guys at once, and I'm terribly indecisive, so it's probably not a great idea for me to do that, but I get a major ego boost when I am talking to a guy at any given time, so I'm trying to branch out and use my multitasking skills to communicate with like three different guys at a time.  If nothing else, it keeps me from being lonely and gives me just a little hope that I won't die alone and be found days later with my 20 dogs eating my corpse.

I would really love to meet my future husband naturally, without even trying, but since I'm not a super-social person, my chances of doing it that way are considerably lower.  It's not like I don't leave the house, I just don't make conversation with random people if I don't have to (I have to at work, so I sort of use a fake persona).  I've never met guys at the dog park, at Barnes & Noble, at work, at a coffee shop, at the mall, or in a class.  It's almost always parties, blind dates, mutual friends or online.  Which I guess is pretty normal, albeit nowhere near fairytale-esque. 

I'm just trying to keep up my hope that it will happen - I will meet the right person - when the time is right.  I'm doing the best I can to do as my mom always said: "Water off a duck's back," and let it go.  All you need is a little optimism.

It occurred to me today that Former Bestie (man, I really need to come up with a new moniker for her...) should come out for another visit.  So I asked if she might be interested in coming out sometime this summer, her and Fiancee, to join me in one of the events I'd like to do this year, either the Colfax Marathon Relay, the Warrior Dash, or the Tough Mudder.  I haven't heard anything back from her yet, I'm assuming she's conferring with her other half about dates, but I think that would be fun.  If she brought her kiddo, he could play with my nephews, and if she doesn't then it's more time she and I get to spend together!  It was just a thought I had, as Jen and I are still working on setting up our relay team and may need a couple more people.  Kara and Matt came out last year and ran with us and we did really well because of it.  And if I could get Former Bestie out here, maybe my competitive nature would finally kick in and I'd get my ass in gear getting into shape and I could lose a few pounds too.

I'll be okay.  Like I've said in previous posts, I need to get working on my self-esteem stuff a lot more. 

I listened to the radio on the way to work this morning and I'm thoroughly jealous of anyone who didn't have to work today that's been able to be out drinking today to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.  I thought I really wanted to go get a beer after work, but I have no one to go with so I will probably just head to my parents house to grab Phoenix and have a bite of their annual March 17th meal, corned beef and cabbage.  It's pretty good.  It beats whatever I would have attempted to make for myself tonight, but hopefully tomorrow night I will be making myself a delicious stir-fry dinner.  And then I think I'm hitting the bars with Tiffany and Douchebag Dave.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Incredible Ability

I almost forgot again.  But the minute I remembered, I got my ass up off my bed and came over to the computer.  That's the only way I'm not going to forget.

As bad as I felt yesterday is how great I felt today.  I got to sleep in, and when I got up, I got going trying to replace the shower head.  I wasn't able to take the one that's on there off without a wrench, so I just laid around until I had to go pick up Z from preschool.  It's like 5 minutes from my house and my sister had court today in Colorado Springs to be sentenced from the warrant that was out for here there.  She got 5 days of house arrest with an ankle monitor, but she doesn't serve it until next week.  She got so freaking lucky.  She deserves the jail time.  And I guess tomorrow is the hearing to finalize her divorce.  Anyway, when I picked up Z from school, it was so cute!  He leaves right about nap-time, and so all the little kids were lying down on mats and a bunch of them said goodbye to him.  Adorable.  I love seeing that he's making friends.  My plan had been originally to pick him up and then drop him off at home and go run a few errands, including taking Phoenix to Petsmart for dog food and to get him out of the house.  I told Z that was what I wanted to do, but he said he wanted to go with me, so I took him with me.  Getting to spend time talking to him and teasing him, and to have him talk to me was absolutely delightful.  I love that little kid so flipping much, and getting to hang out with him totally made my whole day.  He's really smart and very sweet and very obedient, and he's just a joy to be around!

I dropped him off finally and grabbed some tools and came back home to finally replace the shower head, which I was able to do with zero difficulty and I even did so well that there were no leaks!  I cleaned up the bathroom a little and before I knew it, it was time to go into work.  I had several people show up to look at apartments today, which made the time just fly by, not that I would have minded sitting and reading today because it was so warm and sunny outside.  I did pretty well with my little schpeel and I think I'll be getting at least one new application from today's showings.

My dad was making one of my favorite meals - chicken parisienne - and he invited me for dinner, so I grabbed Phoenix and we went back over to eat.  I got to spend a little more time playing with the kids, and then came home.

The shower head works great, and it's got great water pressure!  I actually felt warm and comfortable in the shower tonight!  I'll need to do a little bit more maintenance on the bathtub to compensate for the higher volume of water that comes out of the shower head now, but I'm feeling more comfy here for sure.  I would have gone out and picked up doggy poo this afternoon too, if I had been able to find a pooper-scooper.  I may have to either buy one or borrow one, but I have every intention of cleaning up the back yard and putting down seed and fertilizer as it gets warmer.  It has major potential but it's not huge so lawn-mowing won't be a huge pain in the ass. I want to get a nice chair for the back patio for reading and I plan to put up some white lights and make it super cool out there for this summer.  I can't wait to be able to sit out there til like 8 reading and I want to have little dinner parties and have people over for drinks and stuff, and I think I need a project like that to work on to keep me out of my head.  I also plan to get my sister's old nightstand fixed and refinished so that it matches the one I did last summer so that I will have two.

And I need to probably get another job.  I'm not making enough money to be able to support myself comfortably and be able to budget it the way I want to.  I saw a help wanted sign at a sand and landscaping company (they sell sand and bricks and rocks and stuff), so I think I'm going to stop in the next time I drive by there and see if they won't hire me.  I can't do MAJOR heavy lifting, but I am smart and I am fully capable of working there, I think.  They'll just have to teach me how to drive dump trucks.

Anyway, I'm in a pretty good mood right now.  I feel like I definitely got out of my head today; I simply didn't have time to think, and I prefer that.  It's just easier that way.  I wish I could make that happen every day.  I wonder if my brain chemistry was somehow different today.  Anyway, I need to get to bed so that I don't wake up hating life and wanting to go back to sleep tomorrow.  I have two more days to get through.  This week is just flying by (thank God)!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I wish I could describe how I feel.  I sort of wish I didn't feel anything at all.  I'm tired of the confusing combination of all the different feelings I go through during the course of each day, whether I'm at work or at home or hanging out with my family (which seem to be the only three things that I ever do).  I guess the best way to explain is that I am struggling.  I'm not entirely sure what I'm struggling with, or against (it feels more like I'm working against something), but I am definitely having trouble.

I feel completely different from how I was feeling when I was feeling "better."  I don't feel the urge to cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't feel frustrated to the point of crying, and I don't feel hopeless or worthless.  I feel like no matter how deeply I breathe or how often I draw breath, I can't get any air.

Kara found an interesting cache of information on a wiki-how page called How to Build Self-Worth, and I finally got around to reading it today, and I found it very informative and helpful, especially for how I've been feeling lately.  I'm not sure when I stopped actually making attempts to build my self-esteem, but I think it's drained back out of me again.  I think I must have hit a point of satisfaction and so I stopped trying and I guess that is when my stock of self-esteem began depleting.

One part of the wiki-how mentions a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that always hit me very profoundly: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I am constantly allowing people to make me feel inferior, whether they mean to or not.  I don't really know how to change that, aside from following the advice that my therapist gave me (which was reproduced almost verbatim in this article), and that is to me my own best friend.  To treat myself with the kindness and generosity and compassion and love with which I treat my closest friends.  I will never understand why I am so much harder on myself than I am with my expectations of others.  I'm a terribly judgmental person, but I guess that the person I'm most judgmental of is myself.  I find that a good gauge of my self-esteem is whether or not my feelings get hurt, or whether I get angry or if I feel offended when I discover I have been treated in a way I consider to be wrong.

For example: I had suspicions that my roommate Linda harbors slightly malevolent feelings towards me, just based on her lack of interaction with me, but last night my suspicions were confirmed.  One of the biggest points of contention between me and my sisters was the gross drain hair that would be left-over anytime any of us showered.  I would just use a few squares of toilet paper to remove said drain-hair, whilst my older sister didn't remember to remove it until after she'd already gotten in the shower and then would just put the tangle on the side of the bathtub, which I find pretty disgusting.  Her argument was that we should remove the clog after exiting the shower, while mine was that it was less disgusting to remove a dry clog immediately before showering.  Anyway, I've made a point to work around all the nasty long black hairs that cover nearly every surface of the bathroom I share with Linda, including removing her dry drain-hair immediately before getting into the shower each time.  Living with girls with long hair for as long as I have, I've accepted that drain-hair is a fact of life.  I completely forgot to remove mine after showering yesterday, and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed late last night to find it plastered on the tile wall of the shower immediately facing the toilet.  To me, it said, "This is what I found, and also, you're gross," in the most passive-aggressive means possible.  I saw it, and went "Oh shit, I forgot."  My first feeling was guilt at not remembering because I've been living there a month and I've been trying really hard to keep my part of the bathroom as clean as possible, including stray hairs.  My second feeling was vindication - I knew she didn't like me!  I just mentioned it within the last couple of days, and her doing that in the manner she did it is a big neon sign that speaks volumes!  I'd imagine she was in the shower upon discovering the evidence of my forgetfulness, but she had several options for how she could react maturely, and she chose to do something that I consider to be pretty immature.  When I was fighting with my sisters over the same exact thing, all I had to do was ask my sister to clean up after herself, or to do as I do, use toilet paper and throw the whole thing away.  Linda could have asked me nicely to do that.  She could have spoken words to me, which I assume is probably something that she considered to be too difficult.  I've made a point of trying to be as polite as possible about our bathroom-sharing time, and I fully blame her for the fact that I got my period when I was explicitly supposed to NOT get my period.

I think she thinks I like her dog too much, or I treat her with too much love or something ridiculous like that.  I think she has very little respect for me because I spend the vast majority of my time at home in my room with the TV on.  It's not because I'm anti-social, it's because I like the noise.  It helps quiet the chaos that inhabits my head 24 hours a day.

The other clue I have to her dislike of me is that I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I had very little room in the fridge to put my food.  I have been allocated the top shelves of the refrigerator for use, those being a full 6 inches from the top of the fridge.  That's about it.  I have placed some of my items among the other items on the door, and I guess I am allowed to use what might be called the "deli" drawer.  Anyway, I had completely run out of space, and so I placed an unopened bottle of salad dressing on one of the bottom shelves, and I was looking for it this morning to find it had been moved.

It's entirely possible that I am reading way too far into this, but I know how catty girls can be, and especially when they are resorting to passive-aggressive measures.  What leads me to believe that I am correct about this is just a feeling.  A gut instinct, if you will.  I can feel the heavy tension between us when we are in the same room.

I am 26 years old.  I should not have to deal with the drama that I had to deal with when I was 21, and I should not have to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in a place I have to call my home.  I am not going to let this girl drive me out.  It's going to be a war of attrition, if anything at all.  I'm going to follow some of my mom's earliest advice: kill 'em with kindness!  She may have to move out anyway.  She's a kindergarten teacher with Denver Public Schools and her contract has not been renewed so after May, she's out of a job.  Maybe she'll leave and Meredi and I can find a roommate who is less alienating and more like us; human.

So I guess I can at least say that I am offended, or angry.  I think that Linda is attempting to make me feel inferior and I will not allow it any longer.  Or I won't allow it until the rest of my storage of self-esteem runs out again.  I'm going to need to make special arrangements for myself to get on top of this, and as soon as humanly possible.  I'm not sure what exactly to do, short of rereading the article on wiki-leaks and embroidering the finer points onto a pillow, but I will have to work harder from now on.

Monday, March 14, 2011

A Hard Look

Welp, no work today.  Spent a good part of the day just lying around and watching TV with Phoenix.  I had my follow-up doctor's appointment with the occupational health doc and I'm cleared to go back to work.  DUH.  I sit for 9 and a half hours.  I showed the doctor that I have full range of motion, and am in minimal pain, and talked him into letting me nix the physical therapy.  My injury was not serious.  So I go back to work tomorrow, and then I'm working Friday to make up for being off today.  Yucko.

I haven't had many days lately where I don't do anything or leave the house (the exception being this weekend) and I don't think it does me any good to have any days like that.  The longer I'm at home, alone, with nothing to do, the worse my mental health gets.  I feel just plain terrible, and I can't really think of another way to describe it.  I guess if you can imagine when you have a really nasty cold, and you can't breathe and your throat is sore and you're coughing all over the place, you have a fever and a headache - but instead of feeling physically ill, it's all in your mood.  Like, you want to feel better, and you want to be able to just take something to feel better, but there's nothing you can take.  I just hate myself when I feel that way, the way I did earlier today.  However - and here's how I know I've made and am continuing to make progress - I was able to think really hard about my mood and my attitude and was able to change it.  I think a lot of what we do every single day - jobs, school, kids, driving, eating, people we interact with, all of it - are what dictate how we feel about our lives, and very little of it is internal or mental, at least for most people.  I see and hear about who did what to upset whom, or who did what to make someone feel better, but how often is it that we pay attention enough to our own thoughts and feelings to be able to influence how we actually feel?  A lot of how I feel is based on my own thoughts and my personal narrative on my life, and although I am one of those super-sensitive people and what others do and say effect me quite profoundly, most of when I'm unhappy or upset is because of something I, myself, have thought.

I think the reason for this is that I don't interact with terribly many people on my days off.  When I'm not at work, I don't talk a whole lot.  I speak with most people over text messages, and I think that may not be enough for me.  I'm not saying I need to have long, drawn-out conversations with God and everyone every day, but I am not happy with just myself.  I think I've had a taste of the big huge world that's out there and I want more, but when I can't have more I internalize and hibernate, and I'm just not quite enough for me.

I watched a little blurb on Shameless, and it explained the choice of title, and it's because this family lives in virtual poverty, very poor, working several jobs, and getting by however they can, be it by hook or by crook, but they're not ashamed of it.  I thought about it some, and I think that I am often ashamed of myself.  I'm one of those people who will apologize for any situation even if I'm not at fault, just to maintain peace and harmony.  I don't like confrontation and I don't like arguing with others.  In just about any argument I will be the first person to admit that I am wrong, even before I give it thought, just because I want to end the argument.  I think perhaps that I am not selfish enough and I don't care enough for myself to fight for what I want, even if it means going through some discomfort.  I think this is something I need to change.

Without an intensive support system (by intensive I mean every second of every hour of every day), I have a hard time remembering that I am someone who is worthwhile and who deserves to get whatever she wants whatever the cost.  I really focus very hard on what I consider to be my flaws and my shortcomings, and I just do not understand why that is.  Mostly I like me.  I think I'm a good person, who is polite and compassionate, who is kind and generous, who is funny and smart, and who deserves to be loved.  But those aren't things that I remind myself of.  I also consider myself to be lost, desperate for companionship, sort of desperate and pathetic all around, and those are the things I focus on because those are the things that I want to be different. I think that maybe the more I focus on those things, the shittier I will feel, and you have to really want to change in order to do it, and maybe I just don't want it enough.

I guess I need to re-evaluate where I am with my healing process.  I think I've definitely gotten off-target and I need to get back on the track to loving myself.  And there's no better day to start than tomorrow!  (I'm a little sore in the back area I think from my excitement to show the doctor that I am better, so it's a few more Shameless episodes tonight and a good night's sleep).

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Daylight Expansion

Boy am I having trouble keeping my shit together these last few days.  Mostly I am feeling okay, but my brain is just thinking, thinking, thinking.  I'm not sure what to tackle first because there's so much crap in there all tangled up.

I guess what's on the forefront of my mind is how uncomfortable I feel in this house.  First of all, I do like it.  I like that I have a lot of closet space, which allows me to take my dresser out of the furniture items I feel always clutter my room.  I like the way the house is laid out, and I like that Phoenix has playmates.  But I feel like I am a permanent house-guest here, some kind of intruder.  I think most of that is due to how standoffish Linda is.  She and I are home at the same times, mostly, but she doesn't make chit-chat conversation with me, she doesn't ask me to do stuff, she doesn't engage me.  I feel like she thinks I'm weird because I watch TV and because I drink Cherry Coke and Sprite and don't eat organic food and don't drink tea and talk to my dog.  I just get this vibe from her that almost intimidates me.  Like I'm just someone she's stuck with who she puts up with being in the way.  I've tried, from day one, to initiate conversation with her and be really super polite about sharing the bathroom, but I am not getting the same courtesy back from her.  I don't think I like her.  Which sucks because we live in the same house together.  There are days when I don't see her at all, and days when we're both home all day together but barely speak.  It's not so much awkward as it is uncomfortable and I don't like it.  I want to live with people who are like me.  Meredi is better, she's much more conversational, and she really likes Phoenix and I feel like I've bonded with her at least.  I think one of the things that really weirds me out about Linda is that she doesn't speak to her dog AT ALL.  I am talking to Phoenix constantly, perhaps out of loneliness or because I consider him just a little furry mute person, but because I care about connecting with him and showing him affection, but I have not seen Linda talk to Rainey for any other reason than to call her inside or to stop her from eating  Phoenix's food.  I am really weirded out by people who have dogs but treat them like lower beings.  Which sounds kind of stupid, but dogs are reasonably smart creatures who have personality and energy and are capable of such love, and who are we humans to decide that they are not worthy of the same loyalty and love that they give us?  I hate (HATE) people who are mean to dogs and treat them badly, and I think I am made very uncomfortable by how Linda sometimes just leaves Rainey outside and walks away while Rainey is whining and pawing at the door to come in.

I'm really considering looking for a new place because I don't want to live in a place where I feel this uncomfortable.  I mean, I've made my room mine, and I've got my stuff in the bathroom, but I still don't feel like I belong here for whatever reason.  I'm thinking that maybe if I move some of my kitchen things into the house (glass mixing bowls and containers and utensils), then maybe I will feel better, but I'm hesitant to do that because if it doesn't work and I continue to feel uncomfortable then I'll just have to pack it all up and move it again.

I don't feel unwanted, necessarily, there isn't a shit ton of tension in the house and I don't feel like they want me out, I just don't feel at home.  I want to talk to Meredi about this, because she's sort of the alpha female being the homeowner('s daughter), but I don't want her to like talk to Linda and then have Linda confront me about it.  I am avoiding the confrontation of it altogether.  I hate confrontation.

I feel compelled to live with roommates because I need to expand my social circle and make new friends, but I know I'd be happier living alone.  I just can't afford to live alone right now.  What I'd really like is to be able to live with someone that I am already friends with.  While it wasn't perfect living with Tiffany, it was as close to perfect as it will get because I was so comfortable with her already and I know that she knows I'm not perfect and that I have problems but she loves me anyway.  It was like living with a family member.  I could be as disgusting and weird as I am, but that didn't matter because to her, I was just her friend Beth.  I think I got really lucky once living with three girls I didn't know but became very close with very quickly, and I worry just as I worry I'll never find love again that I probably won't find a living situation like that again just by surfing craigslist.  I really hate being the picky, ridiculous emotional person that I am sometimes.

Either way, I've been reminded not to be impulsive and to give it some real thought and do some problem-solving before I do anything.  My lease (which I still haven't signed) is month-to-month and I just need to give a month's notice before I move out.  I was really hoping I could make this work at least until I was finished with school.

I have been given explicit instruction not to work tomorrow.  I don't know if worker's comp will pay for the wages I'll lose by not going in tomorrow (my dad and sister think it will), but if not, I'm ready to work on Friday if I have to.  I have to go see the occupational health doctor tomorrow to be re-evaluated for work.  I feel fine.  Aside from some minor discomfort, some stiffness and soreness, I feel as though nothing even happened.  I was sitting kind of funny a minute ago though and my back did start to hurt, so there is definitely injury to the muscles there, but I'm hoping to be able to walk away with no need for physical therapy.  I'm young and active, I know I'll injure my back about a zillion more times before I die, so I don't think physical therapy is going to be something that will profoundly affect me in any way.

My parents have been really great and helpful, not just with my injury but with Phoenix, too.  We've got sort of a routine set up where I drop him off on Monday mornings, he stays the night on Monday and I pick him up on Tuesday evening after work.  Then my mom picks him up on Thursday morning to stay over there all day.  I know they love him easily as much as I do, and I know that they don't consider it going out of their way to have him there, and I really appreciate that.  They're making the whole thing a lot easier, both for me and for Phoenix.

I'm definitely feeling down lately.  I don't really know how to combat it, but I'm going to just try to continue to function as normally as possible.  I took Phoenix for our first walk around the lake that's a block from the house today.  It was really gorgeous outside and there were a bajillion people and dogs there, and I guess Lafayette has really strict leash-laws, so I kept P on the leash most of the way, which I hated.  I feel like he didn't really get much exercise because I was literally holding him back the entire time.  I understand the need for leash laws, but I wish that you could have your dog rated on a personality scale or something to be able to opt out of the laws.  I just want him to be able to run and jump and play to his heart's content and then bring him home exhausted.  Playing with Nali a good part of every day wears him out pretty well, but I know it's not enough.

Being a parent is hard!  I know how silly it sounds to be comparing Phoenix to having a kid, but most of my worry and stress is with regards to him in some way or another.  I can't just be the lazy person I am deep down because Phoenix needs food and play time and to be able to go outside whenever he wants.  And I care so deeply for him that it's just like being a parent.  I just don't have to worry about paying for a wedding or college and I don't get any money back from the IRS for having him as my dependent.

The other thing that is on my mind just about 24 hours a day is my singleness.  I'm working very hard to just allow that part of me to shine and use it to my advantage by looking at all the things I don't have to worry about by having a boyfriend.  I really like my independence, and it has taken me a very long time to get used to it and to nurture it.  I think that part of the reason I haven't found someone is because I am so satisfied with my independence and so thrilled with the freedom I have.  Also, I'm lazy, plus I don't like having to leave Phoenix at home when I'm not there and that's a big problem.  Either I'm going to have to find someone who is a homebody like me or I'm going to have to change my attitude about leaving him at home.  FML.

Okay, I am going to get into bed.  The loss of that hour is kind of screwing with me today.  As though I weren't feeling a lot like just hibernating anyway.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Day After

Holy God.  Yesterday SUCKED.  I woke up from a bunch of crazy, vivid dreams, one in which my sister killed her boys, and then killed our dad.  I think that when I woke up, the sorrow and despair I felt in that dream kind of just stayed with me because I just felt so sad.

All I had to do yesterday was show apartments.  I did that, but at one of the apartments there was a TV sitting in the lobby area, with a sign that said "Free to a good home."  It'd been there for at least a week, if not longer, and I looked at it and decided it was at least as big as the one I have, and definitely bigger than the one Meredi has downstairs, so I decided I would grab it.  I bent down to pick it up and SNAP.  Something in my back just gave way.  It took my breath away, and I though for a split second that I would scream for the amount of pain I was in.  I managed to sit down and breathe and try to relax, and then I even managed to move the damn TV out to my car.  I even finished out the showings!  I was in excruciating pain and my back was spasming like crazy so I did the best I could at just moving really slowly and staying as relaxed as possible.  My plan was to just go home and lie around for the rest of the day with some ice and ibuprofen.  I knew it wasn't a serious injury, and I know that people injure themselves trying to lift something heavy all the damn time, so I wasn't worried about myself.  I was, however, worried that I might get in trouble for attempting to lift something heavy while I was working, so when I dropped off the keys back at the office, I told Anna that I had slipped down some stairs while posting the showing schedules for the next week.  She's actually a chiropractor, although not licensed in Colorado, and so I asked her what her opinion was for what I should do, to which she replied ice and ibuprofen.  I left, thinking I'd just go home and do nothing, but she called me while I was still in the car and told me that since I was hurt on the job that I needed to go be seen and that it was covered under our worker's compensation insurance.  I really didn't want to, especially because I didn't think it was serious and I really just wanted to go home.  But Anna insisted that since it happened while I was working, if it wasn't checked out and it became serious the company could get into trouble.  Luckily the place that she sent me to is mere blocks from my house, so I went.  The pain subsided a little bit, and the people there were really nice.  The doctor I saw told me it was just a strain (although I don't feel particularly confident in her doctoring skills as all she had me do was bend over and check my reflexes), and gave me a shot of toradol which is a super-maximum strength anti-inflammatory.  She also gave me a prescription for percocet and told me I can't work again until I've been checked out again.  I argued that one with her since all I do is sit on my ass all day, but she said absolutely not.  So I have to go back on Monday, but I also am not going to work on Monday.

So I went back to my house to grab Phoenix and went to my parents house.  I needed to get my prescription filled at the Target by their house anyway, so I decided to just take it easy over there, where I could be waited on if necessary instead of staying at my house where I'd have to get everything myself and walk up and down the stair 99 times.  By the time I'd gotten the prescription filled, the pain in my back was searing, so I took a percocet as soon as I walked back into the house.  It worked pretty quickly, and I am well aware of how my stomach reacts to narcotics, so I ate immediately.  However, that did not stop me from getting extremely nauseated, and by the time my mom get back from picking up my dad from the airport, I was full on sick.  She drove me home since I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it home myself driving because I'd have to stop several times to puke, and I made it all the way back to Lafayette, but I puked in my driveway.

I cleaned it up, and washed my face and got myself a whole lot of ice water and got into bed, but the nausea continued and I had to get up and puke twice more before I was able to go to sleep.  The last time I even had to run all the way downstairs to use Meredi's bathroom since Linda was in mine.  Ugh.  I was SO miserable.

When I woke up today I was feeling much better, albeit a little sore and stiff.  I should probably have tried to take it super easy today, but for some reason I didn't feel like I could rest until I'd gotten at least one load of laundry started.  So I cleaned up my closet area and sorted through my enormous pile of clothes and put in a load of laundry.  I slept for awhile after that, and had my parents come and get me for dinner this afternoon.

So here we are.  I'm still sore and stiff, but not in excruciating pain anymore, and not sick to my stomach anymore.  I have been having an onslaught of different emotions in the last few days and I haven't properly gotten to write about them yet, but I really want to just get ready for bed and veg for the rest of the night.

Hopefully I will have the energy to write tomorrow, but I'm not going to try to force myself to do anything that will piss me off.  Right now my mood is neutral and I'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible.