Monday, March 14, 2011

A Hard Look

Welp, no work today.  Spent a good part of the day just lying around and watching TV with Phoenix.  I had my follow-up doctor's appointment with the occupational health doc and I'm cleared to go back to work.  DUH.  I sit for 9 and a half hours.  I showed the doctor that I have full range of motion, and am in minimal pain, and talked him into letting me nix the physical therapy.  My injury was not serious.  So I go back to work tomorrow, and then I'm working Friday to make up for being off today.  Yucko.

I haven't had many days lately where I don't do anything or leave the house (the exception being this weekend) and I don't think it does me any good to have any days like that.  The longer I'm at home, alone, with nothing to do, the worse my mental health gets.  I feel just plain terrible, and I can't really think of another way to describe it.  I guess if you can imagine when you have a really nasty cold, and you can't breathe and your throat is sore and you're coughing all over the place, you have a fever and a headache - but instead of feeling physically ill, it's all in your mood.  Like, you want to feel better, and you want to be able to just take something to feel better, but there's nothing you can take.  I just hate myself when I feel that way, the way I did earlier today.  However - and here's how I know I've made and am continuing to make progress - I was able to think really hard about my mood and my attitude and was able to change it.  I think a lot of what we do every single day - jobs, school, kids, driving, eating, people we interact with, all of it - are what dictate how we feel about our lives, and very little of it is internal or mental, at least for most people.  I see and hear about who did what to upset whom, or who did what to make someone feel better, but how often is it that we pay attention enough to our own thoughts and feelings to be able to influence how we actually feel?  A lot of how I feel is based on my own thoughts and my personal narrative on my life, and although I am one of those super-sensitive people and what others do and say effect me quite profoundly, most of when I'm unhappy or upset is because of something I, myself, have thought.

I think the reason for this is that I don't interact with terribly many people on my days off.  When I'm not at work, I don't talk a whole lot.  I speak with most people over text messages, and I think that may not be enough for me.  I'm not saying I need to have long, drawn-out conversations with God and everyone every day, but I am not happy with just myself.  I think I've had a taste of the big huge world that's out there and I want more, but when I can't have more I internalize and hibernate, and I'm just not quite enough for me.

I watched a little blurb on Shameless, and it explained the choice of title, and it's because this family lives in virtual poverty, very poor, working several jobs, and getting by however they can, be it by hook or by crook, but they're not ashamed of it.  I thought about it some, and I think that I am often ashamed of myself.  I'm one of those people who will apologize for any situation even if I'm not at fault, just to maintain peace and harmony.  I don't like confrontation and I don't like arguing with others.  In just about any argument I will be the first person to admit that I am wrong, even before I give it thought, just because I want to end the argument.  I think perhaps that I am not selfish enough and I don't care enough for myself to fight for what I want, even if it means going through some discomfort.  I think this is something I need to change.

Without an intensive support system (by intensive I mean every second of every hour of every day), I have a hard time remembering that I am someone who is worthwhile and who deserves to get whatever she wants whatever the cost.  I really focus very hard on what I consider to be my flaws and my shortcomings, and I just do not understand why that is.  Mostly I like me.  I think I'm a good person, who is polite and compassionate, who is kind and generous, who is funny and smart, and who deserves to be loved.  But those aren't things that I remind myself of.  I also consider myself to be lost, desperate for companionship, sort of desperate and pathetic all around, and those are the things I focus on because those are the things that I want to be different. I think that maybe the more I focus on those things, the shittier I will feel, and you have to really want to change in order to do it, and maybe I just don't want it enough.

I guess I need to re-evaluate where I am with my healing process.  I think I've definitely gotten off-target and I need to get back on the track to loving myself.  And there's no better day to start than tomorrow!  (I'm a little sore in the back area I think from my excitement to show the doctor that I am better, so it's a few more Shameless episodes tonight and a good night's sleep).

No comments:

Post a Comment