Friday, March 18, 2011

Just Kill Me Now

Just when I was trying to put a stop to the ridiculous mood swings I've been having, and trying to restabilize and refocus on my recovery, healing, rehabilitation, whatever you want to call it, the worst happens: I find out that Brian and Bryn are now engaged.

I've often been told that God never gives us more than we can handle; what doesn't kill us makes us stronger; everything happens for a reason; time heals all wounds...And I try really REALLY hard to abide by those pearls of wisdom, and some days it works, but mostly they're just meaningless combinations of nouns and verbs.

Today is one of those days when all I see are the words.  My instinct is to go home and crawl under the covers and pull them over my head until I am able to successfully comprehend this information and digest it and figure out what effect it will have on the rest of my life, in a safe place.  I say safe in that it's a place I can be where I'm totally disgusting, un-showered, no makeup, in sweatpants and stinky.  I haven't seen Brian in going on three years, I have absolutely nothing to do with Brian on any kind of basis, and what he does in his everyday life has no effect on me.

But I've been thinking about him quite a lot lately, and the dreams I have of him have not stopped.  The dreams are always the same: he's left Bryn and come back to me and I am happier than I have ever been.  I don't actually believe that this will ever happen, but there is a part of my heart or maybe my brain that wishes it would happen.  I'm not sure what good it does me to hope, because that is one thing that I will never have.

I'm doing everything in my power not to cry, and I'm doing pretty well.  I don't want to cry at work because I don't want to have to explain why I am crying to anyone because that will open the floodgates.  I've let a few tears escape, but I've managed to keep myself in check for the most part.  I'm doing the best I can to remind myself that I am in control of my emotions, and that they are not in control of me, and that seems to be working.

Originally I had planned to meet Tiffany for Rio margaritas immediately after work so that I didn't have to drive myself home and waste precious time I could be spending imbibing highly alcoholic beverages, but I think I smell (I only washed my hair this morning), and I am not terribly comfortable in the clothes I am wearing and I think I will feel much better if I am able to quietly break down and have a good cry before I attempt to do anything that isn't what I feel like doing (hibernating for three days).

I think the biggest part of why I'm upset is the simple fact that I am upset.  I want nothing more than to be over Brian, to not love him anymore, to be able to remember the shit he put me through and all the reasons that we broke up.  I need to remind myself that he is not the perfect guy, that he and I were different people to begin with, and have become even more different over the 5 year span of time that we have been apart.  I want to forget him, forget that he exists and forget the very deep and meaningful connection I felt to him back then.  I want to be angry at him for hurting me and for breaking my heart and making it so difficult for me to function as a normal human being and to be loving and lovable again.  I want to stop blaming him for changing me and be able to take responsibility for who and what I am today.  I just really want to be able to go about my life as though nothing has changed.

I have been trying to prepare myself for this possibility for a long time.  I have kept discreet tabs on Brian and Bryn for the last five years, and always wondered when it would happen.  I think the last time I Twitter-stalked Brian, I was actually hoping to discover that they'd been engaged or already married or something to that effect, so that I could finally put an end to the ridiculous hope or whatever it is that I harbor for him and get past all of this. 

I fucking HATE this desperation I feel for want of a romantic companion.  I want to just be happy with me and nothing more.  I do have a great life, and I should really consider myself lucky.  I have a dog that I love with all my heart, and I have a wonderful family and a bunch of very good friends who are (almost) as supportive of me as I need them to be.  I have a decent job in a really shitty economy, and I am staring an opportunity to go back to school this summer in the face.  I have two adorable nephews that love me to death.  I'm reasonably healthy, bar the endometriosis and hypothyroidism and depression.  And in the big scheme of things, I am lucky.  I live in a beautiful place that is low-risk for natural disasters and is economically sound.  There is relatively no violence in my community and I'm educated, so any of my progeny has a good chance of being successful compared to a lot of other Americans or anyone in a third-world country. 

So I don't think that attempting to gain perspective is going to be useful for me in this situation.  Other advice that has been imparted to me is to go out, get drunk and get some ass tonight.  I don't think that will be particularly useful, either.  I just need to find a way to be happy - satisfied - with myself, just as I am, and stop trying to change me into someone that I'm not.  Which might include trying to be a more stable person.  Maybe it's just too hard for someone like me to be that way. 

On a lighter note, the creepy guy at my work struck again today.  He was leaving for the rest of the day, and he asked me, "You gonna miss me?"  I looked at him like he was crazy, and then he said, "Is that my name tattooed on your wrist?"  At which point I told him, "You are a crazy person."  What a creeper.

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