Saturday, March 5, 2011

Almost Forgot

I really almost forgot to write tonight.  It's been kind of a long day.  I am definitely feeling a twinge of depression creeping in.  I just want to sleep most of the time, but I'm sort of forcing myself to do things so that I at least feel a little bit like a functioning human being.  Emphasis on sort of.  I didn't actually get anything done today, aside from dying my hair brown.  It looks pretty good, and it did what I was hoping it would accomplish - it's different.  I also dyed my eyebrows, and they look CRAZY.  Which is why I'm not posting a picture yet.  I'm hoping it will fade in the next week, and it definitely looks less weird when I have mascara on (I need to dye my eyelashes too), but they're like super different from what I'm used to.

I had dinner with my parents tonight.  I brought over a bottle of wine, in the attempt of getting my mom to have a glass with me, but she had a beer instead.  It was fun.  I like only seeing them a few times a week, it makes seeing them and knowing about their lives a lot less stressful for me.

I'm trying really hard to cool my jets.  I've been really amped up and frustrated and uncomfortable in my singleness and that needs to stop.  It's a well-known saying that love will find you when you're not looking for it, and I feel as though I've been searching so desperately for it that I've stopped focusing on myself and enjoying the fact that I have relatively few responsibilities and that I am free to do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want.  I have a lot of friends, most of whom care very deeply about me and I don't think about that enough.

Linda's out of town this weekend, visiting her parents in Queens, NY, so Rainey is in my room with me and Phoenix tonight.  I'm currently watching an episode of Shameless, which is a new show on Showtime.  I'm really taking advantage of having Showtime.  I originally wanted to watch the show because I'm a big fan of William H. Macy, and he looks hilarious in this, but then I saw a preview for it and discovered that Justin Chatwin is a character on the show, and I adore him.  The first time I laid eyes on him, I was still with Brian, and we were watching War of the Worlds together (the Tom Cruise version), and I was shocked by how much Justin Chatwin looks like Brian.  After Brian and I broke up, I could not watch War of the Worlds without crying my eyeballs out, and I most certainly could not watch any of the other work that Justin Chatwin has been in.  That same year, Justin Chatwin was in a play for about a month here in Lafayette.  I meant to go see it, only so that I could meet him and judge for myself just how similar he looked to the person I considered the love of my life, but I never got around to it.  I fantasized about meeting him and him liking me and blah, blah, blah, and that is one of the reasons I consider myself to be just on the other side of crazy.  Either way, I'm a big Justin Chatwin fan, and I thought he was hilarious in the Weeds episode he was in, and now that my heart isn't in jagged shards anymore, I can watch him on TV and in movies without wanting to die a little inside.  So far, I'm still in love with J. Chat.  And Shameless is interesting.  Pretty on target for a Showtime program.  Also, it makes more sense now, because I'm friends with J. Chat on facebook, and I had to take him off my feed because all he would post about was how much he loves his girlfriend (and Shameless costar) Emmy Rossum.  I had been wondering how they met....

What kind of person loves TV and movies and actor drama the way I do?  GOD I wish I could find a job where having the knowledge I have and love to acquire was the main focus of my work.  It's such a shame that something I have passion for will probably go to waste.

On Monday, I can call CU and tell them that the holds have all been lifted from my account, and to begin processing my application for readmission.  Obviously, there's a chance I won't get accepted, and I'm prepared to deal with that if it should turn out that way, but I'd like to think that I will get accepted and then I can continue on my life's path more prepared this time around.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get a little more motivated to finish cleaning the carpets, clean all the long black hairs out of the bathroom, change the shower head, and do all my laundry.  I definitely feel better about going to work and spending the majority of my conscious-time there if the shit I have to do at home is done.  It's just a matter of being able to get it done.  If I can't, things start to feel like they're spiraling out of control, and we all know that I don't handle losing control well.

I just momentarily considered cleaning my room and getting started on my laundry right now.  When I was younger, my parents would rant and rave about how I needed to clean my room, and about how I never listen about cleaning my room.  I am stubborn as shit.  I don't like being told what to do.  I like to think that I take very careful consideration of the advice I get from others.  Anyway, I would wait until everyone was asleep in the house, and if I was still awake too, I would get up and clean my room as best I could without using the vacuum.  I liked surprising my parents when they'd get me up the next morning - I liked the surprise that they'd get seeing my room clean, and the surprise of seeing that I'd done it without being told.  I'm sure that's some kind of psychological something or other that explains a lot about why I am the way I am now.  I don't really feel like researching it too much at the moment, while I'm relatively calm and relaxed.

God help my eyebrows.

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