Sunday, March 13, 2011

Daylight Expansion

Boy am I having trouble keeping my shit together these last few days.  Mostly I am feeling okay, but my brain is just thinking, thinking, thinking.  I'm not sure what to tackle first because there's so much crap in there all tangled up.

I guess what's on the forefront of my mind is how uncomfortable I feel in this house.  First of all, I do like it.  I like that I have a lot of closet space, which allows me to take my dresser out of the furniture items I feel always clutter my room.  I like the way the house is laid out, and I like that Phoenix has playmates.  But I feel like I am a permanent house-guest here, some kind of intruder.  I think most of that is due to how standoffish Linda is.  She and I are home at the same times, mostly, but she doesn't make chit-chat conversation with me, she doesn't ask me to do stuff, she doesn't engage me.  I feel like she thinks I'm weird because I watch TV and because I drink Cherry Coke and Sprite and don't eat organic food and don't drink tea and talk to my dog.  I just get this vibe from her that almost intimidates me.  Like I'm just someone she's stuck with who she puts up with being in the way.  I've tried, from day one, to initiate conversation with her and be really super polite about sharing the bathroom, but I am not getting the same courtesy back from her.  I don't think I like her.  Which sucks because we live in the same house together.  There are days when I don't see her at all, and days when we're both home all day together but barely speak.  It's not so much awkward as it is uncomfortable and I don't like it.  I want to live with people who are like me.  Meredi is better, she's much more conversational, and she really likes Phoenix and I feel like I've bonded with her at least.  I think one of the things that really weirds me out about Linda is that she doesn't speak to her dog AT ALL.  I am talking to Phoenix constantly, perhaps out of loneliness or because I consider him just a little furry mute person, but because I care about connecting with him and showing him affection, but I have not seen Linda talk to Rainey for any other reason than to call her inside or to stop her from eating  Phoenix's food.  I am really weirded out by people who have dogs but treat them like lower beings.  Which sounds kind of stupid, but dogs are reasonably smart creatures who have personality and energy and are capable of such love, and who are we humans to decide that they are not worthy of the same loyalty and love that they give us?  I hate (HATE) people who are mean to dogs and treat them badly, and I think I am made very uncomfortable by how Linda sometimes just leaves Rainey outside and walks away while Rainey is whining and pawing at the door to come in.

I'm really considering looking for a new place because I don't want to live in a place where I feel this uncomfortable.  I mean, I've made my room mine, and I've got my stuff in the bathroom, but I still don't feel like I belong here for whatever reason.  I'm thinking that maybe if I move some of my kitchen things into the house (glass mixing bowls and containers and utensils), then maybe I will feel better, but I'm hesitant to do that because if it doesn't work and I continue to feel uncomfortable then I'll just have to pack it all up and move it again.

I don't feel unwanted, necessarily, there isn't a shit ton of tension in the house and I don't feel like they want me out, I just don't feel at home.  I want to talk to Meredi about this, because she's sort of the alpha female being the homeowner('s daughter), but I don't want her to like talk to Linda and then have Linda confront me about it.  I am avoiding the confrontation of it altogether.  I hate confrontation.

I feel compelled to live with roommates because I need to expand my social circle and make new friends, but I know I'd be happier living alone.  I just can't afford to live alone right now.  What I'd really like is to be able to live with someone that I am already friends with.  While it wasn't perfect living with Tiffany, it was as close to perfect as it will get because I was so comfortable with her already and I know that she knows I'm not perfect and that I have problems but she loves me anyway.  It was like living with a family member.  I could be as disgusting and weird as I am, but that didn't matter because to her, I was just her friend Beth.  I think I got really lucky once living with three girls I didn't know but became very close with very quickly, and I worry just as I worry I'll never find love again that I probably won't find a living situation like that again just by surfing craigslist.  I really hate being the picky, ridiculous emotional person that I am sometimes.

Either way, I've been reminded not to be impulsive and to give it some real thought and do some problem-solving before I do anything.  My lease (which I still haven't signed) is month-to-month and I just need to give a month's notice before I move out.  I was really hoping I could make this work at least until I was finished with school.

I have been given explicit instruction not to work tomorrow.  I don't know if worker's comp will pay for the wages I'll lose by not going in tomorrow (my dad and sister think it will), but if not, I'm ready to work on Friday if I have to.  I have to go see the occupational health doctor tomorrow to be re-evaluated for work.  I feel fine.  Aside from some minor discomfort, some stiffness and soreness, I feel as though nothing even happened.  I was sitting kind of funny a minute ago though and my back did start to hurt, so there is definitely injury to the muscles there, but I'm hoping to be able to walk away with no need for physical therapy.  I'm young and active, I know I'll injure my back about a zillion more times before I die, so I don't think physical therapy is going to be something that will profoundly affect me in any way.

My parents have been really great and helpful, not just with my injury but with Phoenix, too.  We've got sort of a routine set up where I drop him off on Monday mornings, he stays the night on Monday and I pick him up on Tuesday evening after work.  Then my mom picks him up on Thursday morning to stay over there all day.  I know they love him easily as much as I do, and I know that they don't consider it going out of their way to have him there, and I really appreciate that.  They're making the whole thing a lot easier, both for me and for Phoenix.

I'm definitely feeling down lately.  I don't really know how to combat it, but I'm going to just try to continue to function as normally as possible.  I took Phoenix for our first walk around the lake that's a block from the house today.  It was really gorgeous outside and there were a bajillion people and dogs there, and I guess Lafayette has really strict leash-laws, so I kept P on the leash most of the way, which I hated.  I feel like he didn't really get much exercise because I was literally holding him back the entire time.  I understand the need for leash laws, but I wish that you could have your dog rated on a personality scale or something to be able to opt out of the laws.  I just want him to be able to run and jump and play to his heart's content and then bring him home exhausted.  Playing with Nali a good part of every day wears him out pretty well, but I know it's not enough.

Being a parent is hard!  I know how silly it sounds to be comparing Phoenix to having a kid, but most of my worry and stress is with regards to him in some way or another.  I can't just be the lazy person I am deep down because Phoenix needs food and play time and to be able to go outside whenever he wants.  And I care so deeply for him that it's just like being a parent.  I just don't have to worry about paying for a wedding or college and I don't get any money back from the IRS for having him as my dependent.

The other thing that is on my mind just about 24 hours a day is my singleness.  I'm working very hard to just allow that part of me to shine and use it to my advantage by looking at all the things I don't have to worry about by having a boyfriend.  I really like my independence, and it has taken me a very long time to get used to it and to nurture it.  I think that part of the reason I haven't found someone is because I am so satisfied with my independence and so thrilled with the freedom I have.  Also, I'm lazy, plus I don't like having to leave Phoenix at home when I'm not there and that's a big problem.  Either I'm going to have to find someone who is a homebody like me or I'm going to have to change my attitude about leaving him at home.  FML.

Okay, I am going to get into bed.  The loss of that hour is kind of screwing with me today.  As though I weren't feeling a lot like just hibernating anyway.

No comments:

Post a Comment