Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Post Original Title: Thoughtsicles

Originally posted: 6/17/2010

There are random thoughts that sometimes get stuck in my head. Sort of how songs get stuck in anyone's head, except these thoughts don't go away just by saying them out loud (you know, how if you listen to the song, it sort of gets unstuck?). I had this idea that I wanted to make a little sign to hang outside our front door that had a short list of why we love our pets so much, and also at the bottom, it would say

because I'm totally okay with buying Girl Scout Cookies, and stuff from the Boy Scouts and I'm even fine with having to turn away elementary school kids doing fund-raising. I'm just 100% not okay with having to make up excuses for why I don't want to buy a magazine subscription from some person who used to be "troubled" but is now building themselves back up by selling magazines.

Anyway, I often find myself thinking of people who've come and gone in my life. Best friends from elementary school, middle school and high school. People my family knew back in Florida ( we lived there til I was 5). Girls I played soccer with. And old boyfriends. This last one makes me the saddest, because I always find myself wondering what might have happened if we were still together.

As a highly sensitive person, I try to stay away from any and all "what if" scenarios. We can all "what if" until we turn blue in the face, but that will never change what actually happened in the past. I find that a good way to rationalize this to others is to ask them what they did last weekend. They'll tell me what they did, and then I ask them, what if the weather had been different? What if it had been rainy instead of sunny? Or cold instead of warm? Would you do something different? And no matter what the response, I have to point out that we cannot go back and change what we did last weekend any more than we can change the weather. So why, despite all logic and rationalization, does every single person on this earth have at least one "what if" situation? I don't know, that analogy works for me.

I don't often allow myself to delve into "what if." More often, I try to imagine how I could change things as they are now. I suppose these thoughts are also "what if"s, but they're ideas for what I can do to meld the future into what I would like for it to be. However, there's free will. There's a terrific mention of this in the movie Bruce Almighty, where God (Morgan Freeman) transfers all of his "powers" to Bruce (Jim Carrey), with one exception, that being that he cannot meddle with free will. I can't make people want to be friends with me. They're free to think about me in whatever manner they please! Perhaps this is what bothers me so much! I wish people with whom I had a less-than-pleasant falling out would want to get to know me as I am now, and not remember me as I was in the past.

It's thoughts of ex-boyfriends that plague me the most. I don't enjoy looking back at happier times with people I once loved and imagining how happy I was. In fact, I know that I've projected emotions on these relationships that are not accurate. What I mean by that is while I often only think about the good times, I know that there were bad times, too, but I never think about the bad times. I'm sure that this phenomena occurs with just about everyone who has ever been in a relationship that has ended. It's hard not to remember the good times and forget about the bad, at least for me.

This is when my thoughts start to drift towards the possibility that I will be alone for the rest of my life. People who know me will say that is probably ludicrous, but it's most definitely a statistical possibility. It's just that I haven't experienced the same depth of love and companionship since my first serious boyfriend, which leaves me wondering if I've had my life's one true love and am destined to live out the rest of my life alone. Many people have some sort of solid stance on love, whether the believe in soul-mates, or if they believe that everyone gets just one love or many, or if they believe in destiny or fate in terms of meeting the person they'll end up with, but I don't know where I stand. I'd love to believe that there's a perfect person out there for me, and that I haven't met him yet, but I just don't know.

So I'm fairly certain that's why my thoughts so often turn to people with whom I've had a close relationship, boyfriends and friends alike. I suppose I fear that I'll never get to experience the joy of having those kinds of bonds ever again. Although it's not like I don't have close friends and relationships at this moment, but I miss the multiplicity of the characteristics that all my past friends and boyfriends had.

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