Monday, February 28, 2011

Case of the Mondays

Maybe I shouldn't write a post before get into the shower at night.  There's something about being in the shower that makes me think like three times as much as I normally do.  Or perhaps it just gives me clarity of thought.  Whatever it is, it's obnoxious because I think of all kinds of things I want to write about while I'm in there, but if I've already written a post, I don't want to have to sit down and write a whole new one.  There are days that I write more that one post, but those are the days when I have enough energy to write more than one, or my second post is about something I absolutely could not keep to myself.  Last night, I wrote the post while I was still watching the Oscars, and then I got into the shower and thought about a whole bunch of things I wanted to write about.  I have since forgotten most of those things and I find myself annoyed.  By myself.

Today is certainly Monday.  I have not missed a single birth control pill for going on 9 weeks now and I got my period with FORCE overnight, apparently.  That should not happen.  I wonder if it has to do with how females sort of sync up when they're in proximity of each other, but I feel like that shouldn't be putting me through full-on menstruation.  Either way, I feel like I'm hemorrhaging and I don't like it.  I should probably make an appointment to see my lady-doc but I can't afford the hundred-something dollar bill it is going to be.  It's things like this that freak me out about the possibility that I won't be able to have kids because my internal lady-parts (the important baby-making ones) are going to be too scarred or damaged to work properly.

Also, I am having a bad hair day.  I put some soft cloth curlers in my hair last night and slept in them, and when I took them out this morning, some of my hair stayed curly and some if it flattened right out.  So it is up today.  I really thought long and hard about cutting bangs before I did it, and I really thought I'd be able to handle it, and the hairstyle looked really cute, but it's driving me nuts.  It's just a lot of maintenance, and a lot of work, and it was just much easier when it was long and bang-less.  So now the plan is to just grow it out.  One length.  All of it.  Enough of this layered crap.  I've had it.

On a more positive note, I feel like I did something right at work today, for a change.  I won't go into the (ridiculously boring) details, but it was a nice feeling. 

After work, I have to suffer through the commute back to my parents house, which is really not that bad, but since I've had a break from it by taking a different route to where I live now, I realize how retarded that drive is.  Traffic backs up in places that it shouldn't back up (if drivers would apply common sense and the concept of physics to their driving skills, they would realize that they have a full lane in which to accelerate up to the speed of the rest of the traffic on the highway and thus not come to a complete stop in attempting to merge into traffic wherein the traffic is going 50mph or above and the cars entering the highway are having to accelerate from a complete stop due to the idiotic stop-light that has been put in in an attempt to alleviate the volume of traffic at that spot on the highway) and it takes like 20 minutes longer to get from Boulder to Broomfield than it should.

I probably should not try to blog at work.  I don't think I'm able to be as clear as I want to be or as in depth or meaningful as I want to be.  I have discovered that it's just easier to write while I am at work because I really, really enjoy my free time once I get done with work.  I have to make a choice between what is easy and what is important.  I think that I need to attempt to set aside time for myself to write at night on the days I have to work, despite the fact that I have oodles of time just sitting around at work that I feel is mostly wasted aside from the fact that I'm being paid for it.

One thing that I know is on my mind, that I want to address is my situation with Former Bestie.  I think that we are going to both work on including each other in our lives again, but I think we are both going to be extremely careful of the depth to which we include each other.  I don't think it would be healthy, for either of us but especially for me, to allow her to have such an important role in my everyday life.  I think I have a tendency to be clingy with her, and I am terrified that if I go in that direction again, she will just pull away and I don't want that to happen.  I also feel a really crucial sense of independence in the time that we spent without one another and I don't want to lose that.  On the other hand, I am shying away from asking her (even though I want to really badly) about who is going to be IN her wedding.  I have a feeling that she's already recruited her wedding party, and I am not in it, even though I really want to be.  I stood up for her at her first wedding, and I want to stand up for her at her second wedding, too.  I wouldn't be the least bit surprised, nor would I blame her, if she has decided not to include me in the actual wedding itself this time around, especially after how I reacted about the engagement.  And even if she doesn't ask me to be in the wedding, I will be there for it.  I want to show her that not only am I capable of change, but that I want to change, and I want to be in control of my own issues, which were mostly the reason for the downfall of the friendship in the first place (although she was to blame a little, too).

I'm excited to get home tonight.  I can watch Conan in real time!  

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Oscar Night!!!

Not too much to write about tonight.  My cable has stayed on, which is a delightful surprise.  I called this morning to have my free 3 month subscription to Showtime activated, and then spent the following 4 hours watching episodes from Dexter, season 5.  It is splendid.

Then I napped for like 3 hours.  Then the Oscars pre-show red-carpet shows were on, and I've been watching ever since.  I spent the first hour and a half of the show both watching, and talking to Former Bestie online.  I think she and I are going to be okay.

It's really difficult attempting to watch a show I love while trying to cook myself a substantial dinner but I was able to do it mostly during commercials.  I made tacos.  It's the first real dinner I've cooked since moving in here.

I have a funny story, though.  When their mommies are not home, the other two dogs like to hang out in my room with Phoenix and me.  I have been giving Phoenix his dinner in my room to prevent the aggressiveness that is inherent in dogs over food, and so I put his dinner bowl down in my room, knowing that the other two dogs might try to get in on it.  Nali really likes hanging out under my bed, and that's where she was when I put the bowl down.  Rainey was slowly edging nearer and nearer to Phoenix so I was shooing her away, and I heard a growl from under the bed.  It continued.  Nali slowly came out from underneath, and I was worried she was going to try to get the food, and Phoenix was obviously a little worried too, because he just froze.  Then Nali started sneering at Rainey, and then stood directly between Phoenix and Rainey while Phoenix finished eating his food.  I was FLOORED.  I have never seen dogs behave that way.  It was as though Nali knows that Phoenix is a timid personality, and she wanted to sort of mother and referee the whole situation, and she did.  I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

This week is going to be really nice weather, and I get to sleep in on Wednesday at least, so I don't think I will be as stressed out this week as I have been previously.  I do have to get up early tomorrow to take Phoenix over to my parents house to spend the day.  Normally I guess my sister would be grabbing him on her way home from dropping Z off at preschool but tomorrow she has a doctor's appointment.  I am really glad I called them to find out what the hell was going to happen, or I'd never have known that Phoenix was home alone tomorrow.  Love the communication in my family.

I'm really glad I got to cuddle with Phoenix all day today.  I can tell he's getting a little more used to living here, although he's still not quite comfortable with Nali being the alpha dog, and I am trying to help calm his nerves about it.  As for his tummy, it seems to be okay for now.  I never thought I would be so glad to see solid poo come out of a creature.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Glorious, Wonderful Saturday (and cable)

Today was a surprise, all around.  Phoenix woke me up at 8:30, which was a surprise.  I wanted to sleep in until at least 10.  I got up, made mimosas and then made biscuits and gravy for the first time in my life.  They turned out okay I guess.  It would have been better with homemade biscuits, and the gravy needed salt, but altogether not horrible.  But while I was cooking, my phone notified me of a friend request on facebook that I was not expecting, from Former Bestie.  I had taken her off my friends in my rage back in November, and I hadn't heard anything from her since I sent her the long and emotionally taxing email on Tuesday.  Of course I accepted the friend request immediately, and an email from her followed shortly thereafter.  I won't go into all the details right now (I may later, it depends on how much of it I really want to share with God and everyone), but I think we will be okay.  I know it is going to be a difficult journey of self-discovery for me but I am looking at it as a challenge and not dreading it.

Meredi and I took the dogs to the dog park after I'd cleaned up breakfast and just before the Comcast guy was supposed to get here.  That was fun!  I have always wanted someone to go to the dog park with, and I occasionally have someone to go with, but it was even better because Phoenix and Nali already know each other and are friends.

After the dog park, I decided to get going on cooking some dog food for Phoenix - ground beef, rice, potatoes, carrots, corn, peas and green beans - while I waited for the Comcast guy to get here.  He finally got here around 2:30 and went through all the same steps as the other techs, but towards the end, while he was showing me where all the wiring is in case my dad needed to replace it, he decided to take out a second splitter that was sort of unnecessary, and it seems that doing that fixed the problem.  The guy was great, he was really nice and he included me by explaining to me everything that he was doing so that if my dad needed to come over to replace the wire, I could explain to him where everything was.  And my cable is still working!!  I am very hopeful that it will stay on, at least through tomorrow night so that I can watch the Oscars.

I have just spend the last hour and a half watching He's Just Not That Into You.  I bought the book, but never read it, after I discovered how negative it is.  The movie is really cute, and I enjoyed it when I saw it in the theater, and I still enjoy it.  I feel like it's a bit over the top in it's portrayals of the characters, but at the same time, it's quite accurate.  Especially after I've been feeling so desperate for love of late, I felt that the movie was the perfect thing for me to watch to get a feel for how awful marriage can be, while still maintaining the hopefulness that keeps me going most days.  I think I should change my attitude about singlehood, or my singlehood in particular.  It's really stigmatized, and I think I focus on that more than anything.  In the movie, it's portrayed sort of pathetically, but it's also sort of inspiring how the character Gigi (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) refuses to stop being hopeful and positive about finding someone.  I'm feeling like the inspiration might be fleeting, but I am hoping that I can maintain it for a long enough period of time for me to own it and make it my own instead of just using the energy from the movie to move me.

When Meredi and I got home from the dog park today, we noticed that there were people moving into the house next door that has had a for sale sign up.  Meredi took the lead and we went over and introduced ourselves!  I am starting to being feeling at home here, like I'm finally getting settled in and actually LIVING here.  I want to have a party sometime in the next few weeks and invite everyone I know.  I really like meeting new people, because it makes me feel like I'm actually a part of this world, and I always think of it in terms of the possibility that I'm meeting people who might somehow change my life.  I like my hope.

I'm still worried about Phoenix.  He seems to be doing okay, although he's still got runny poo.  There's no blood in it which makes me feel a little better, but he started doing the stretching thing he does that the vet told me is an indicator that he's hurting a bit.  And his tummy has been a little gurgly tonight.  I have a feeling that he's going to get me up in the middle of the night to go outside.  If he's still not feeling well, after several days of antibiotics and probiotics and pumpkin and everything, I'm going to be extremely worried that whatever is wrong is more serious than can be fixed with the changes we've been implementing.  I'm definitely projecting into the future here, and that is what gets me into trouble, but I am visualizing him being very, very sick, and me not being able to afford the tests and/or procedures that are necessary to solve whatever is wrong, and him dying while I have to watch helplessly.  I'm scared.

I can't even begin to describe how thrilled I am that my cable is still working, and at the same time I'm trying to not cherish it too much in case it goes out again and is irreparable except by means of rewiring.  But I love having it available.  Movies and TV, right at my fingertips.  Because Comcast has had to come out so many times, I've requested that instead of a $20 credit to my bill, they give me three free months of Showtime, which should (hopefully) give me enough time to get caught up on Dexter and Weeds.  I got really excited for a second earlier when I saw that Showtime On Demand has the entire season of Dexter available, except it's telling me that I don't have Showtime (yet) (which may require a phone call tomorrow because I have every intention of getting caught up on Dexter starting tomorrow).  But for now, I'm going to get in the shower and get into bed.

P.S. - I found out today that I am the first of my grandmother's 9 grandchildren not to get married in order of birth, with the exception being my autistic cousin.  Awesome.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dogs = LOVE

I'm not sure a day off has ever been so welcome.  Phoenix and I got a good 10 hours of sleep, got up, wandered around the house for awhile, then went back to sleep for like 3 more hours.  He seems to be feeling a whole lot better, although I am still really nervous that what we're doing now is just a temporary band-aid.  I really hope that whatever's wrong is not something too serious.  My parents have been watching him whenever I have something to do, and that is working pretty well.  I think my older sister is going to pick him up on Mondays after she drops little Z off at his preschool, since his preschool is really close to my house.  Then Tuesdays he will probably be at the house all day, and then Thursdays my mom will pick him up.  I've changed my showing schedule so that I am not showing apartments until late on Wednesday afternoons, so I have plenty of time to get him over to my parents house (or leave him here with some practice), and Fridays I show in the late morning so I can either drop him off or have him picked up.  I guess leaving him here is going to be something we have to work on gradually.  I think that my leaving him here right off the bat for 10 hours a day was just too much for him.  I feel really badly about it.

As for the other dogs, they love me, and I love it.  Nali spends all her time when Meredi's not home in my room with Phoenix and me, and Rainey is a goof, she tries to get involved in whatever Phoenix and Nali are doing, but she's just a bit too timid.  I am going to have to work with them on letting her play with them.  I feel bad for her, because she was just sort of lingering in my doorway today and Nali snapped at her for apparently no reason.  I wonder how the heck they communicate non-verbally, and what it is that Rainey says to them that upsets them both so.  Nali is certainly the alpha dog in this household, but with Phoenix being the only boy, he gets elevated status which means that Rainey is last in line for everything.  Also, I think that Linda doesn't feed Rainey enough.  I know dogs are supposed to be thinner towards the back end, and you're supposed to be able to see their ribs like when they run and stuff, but I can see Rainey's ribs all the time.  I've considered giving her an extra serving of food on the days that I'm home, but I don't want to mess with her feeding routine so that she starts expecting food at that time on the days I'm not home.  I want to just take her home with me and give her all the love and attention she deserves and so wants.  Linda locks her in her bedroom all day long while she's at work, and I don't think that's healthy, but I guess it's better than crating her all day.  She gets to sleep on her own dog bed and on Linda's bed, and she has a water bowl in there, so it's not horrible conditions, but I spoil dogs, and I want nothing more than to treat them better than I'd treat any human!  I must have been a dog in a past life or something.

So, last night our neighbor and Meredi's friend Braden came over, and he brought his great dane Bart along.  It was wonderful!  Bart makes Phoenix look tiny.  He's so huge!  He's a rescue dog, and he's pretty aggressive I guess, but he and Phoenix got along okay.  He even got playful with Phoenix but it just freaked Phoenix out because he's so big, and Phoenix doesn't like when other dogs get vocal with him.  He is only just figuring out that Duke wants to play with him when he growls and grunts and yips.  So hopefully Phoenix will get to spend some more time around Bart and get used to his size and get to play with him.  Braden is pretty cool, too.  He's a nice guy, and I really enjoy meeting new people and having roommates really accelerates that.  We decided that for now, Bart will be Phoenix's bouncer/bodyguard.  He's way more aggressive than Phoenix is, so it's perfect!  I sat with Meredi and Braden drinking wine and eating the delicious cookies Meredi made, and we watched the dogs interact and had a great time relaxing together.

I got all the errands done that I needed to get done today - picking up a new pair of contacts, and getting a couple bottles of champagne, and doing a bit of grocery shopping.  I had pizza with my parents, and we came home where I continued to get myself more settled and organized in the house.  I also called Comcast and they're sending another tech out tomorrow to take another look at my cable problem.  I talked to my dad about it a bit, and he asked if it's something he might be able to fix, and I realized that it is!  He's rewired that whole house so that cable is available in every single room.  He said he'd come over and take a look at it on Sunday depending on what the Comcast guy says.  If my dad decides he can do something about it, I'll have to wait a week, but I will be about 100 times more relaxed about the whole thing.

I've been emailing with another guy from the free dating site who I find to be classically handsome.  He's in his late 30's, but that really doesn't bother me too much aside from the stigma that's attached to it.  I really liked everything that he wrote in his profile, even though it's oddly specific and kind of jerky-sounding.  I would love to see something come out of it, but after the last few, I am not getting my hopes up too high.

And so here we are.  I've washed my sheets and remade my bed and it's glorious and squishy and soft and calling to me.  I am thrilled to be able to sleep in tomorrow, and right now my plan is to get some more deep-cleaning and organizing done, mostly in the kitchen.  I think I really like living here, aside from how hard it's been on my wonderful puppy.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Work = Headache

There is a lady in my office who is a therapist and she treats me like I'm the dumbest person she's ever met.  Not only does she make snide comments while she is walking down the stairs (the staircase is behind my desk so anyone walking down the stairs can see what I'm doing at the computer) about what I am doing on the computer (she seems to really hate when I'm watching a TV show), but she is one of those people who is always slipping in rude comments about what I should be doing with my time instead.  Well I was just downstairs in the kitchen toasting a bagel.  After noon, I have free reign to turn the burner on the coffee pot off, and I hadn't been down there since before noon, and when I went down there, it smelled a little like burning coffee.  This building is terribly quiet and I can hear just about everything going on anywhere in the building, and it's especially easy to hear someone approaching to walk into the kitchen, because I'm hyperaware of the fact that I don't want to have to stand in the kitchen and make small talk with most of the people who work in this building and the kitchen is tiny.  Anyway, I am standing there at the toaster waiting for my bagel, and this lady comes in and goes,

"I smell something burning." 
And I asked her, "Is it coffee?" 
She says "Yeah, do you know about it?"
I said "Yeah, I just turned it off." 

And she turned around and walked out.  To me, it seemed like she knew I was down there and came down specifically to ask me if I smelled coffee burning.  I couldn't smell the coffee until I had actually walked into the kitchen, and I didn't see her actually using the kitchen in any way, but she felt the need to walk in there.  What it comes down to is that I was standing in a room in which there was a very distinct smell, and she walked into the room and asked me if I smelled it.  I want so badly to catch her at some point before she leaves for the day and ask her, "Did you think I was just standing in the kitchen ignoring the smell of burning coffee, or do you think I didn't smell it?  Or that I wasn't going to do something about it?"  But I will get in trouble.  The last time I yelled at a tenant I had what I might equivocate to tenure at my job and there was very little I could do that would get me fired.  As I have only just reached the 90-day mark at this job today, I don't think I can go about telling our tenants exactly what I think of them and not get fired.  So I will be keeping all of this inside.  Or written down, anyway. 

And now I have what is probably a migraine coming on.  And I have one and a half hours left of work.  Hopefully I can get rid of it and enjoy a little of the time I am going to be spending with my parents tonight when I have dinner over there.  I would really like to be able to write another post today, but this will have to suffice if I can't get around to it....

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Holy God.  Today has been one of the worst days ever.  I wrote yesterday's post at work and posted it, and if I could have written another post last night, I would have.  I was so exhausted by the time I got into bed at 11 last night.

So I thought Nick was coming over to work on my cable yesterday, after work.  He called me to ask if he could reschedule and I said that was fine because I was planning to just go hang out at my parents house after work anyway.  But I was about five minutes from home when I got a text from Meredi saying that Phoenix had several accidents all over the house - on all three floors, as she put it - and that she was just going to put him outside because it was too much for her.  I got home, and there was diarrhea everywhere.  In my room, in the entry room, in the living room, and in the basement.  He had dripped both shit and blood all over the place.  So I set right to cleaning it up, and I effectively used up over a full roll of paper towels and two half spray bottles of carpet cleaner solution over the course of three hours.  I stopped in the middle to take Phoenix to my parents house to hang out while I went out to buy more carpet cleaner to replace what I had used.  We came home and I continued cleaning.  I felt like I was up to my elbows in shit and blood.  I finally got done around 9pm, showered, and then messed around for the next hour, and got in bed and watched 30 Rock for an hour to unwind a little.

I decided last night to get up early this morning so that I could call the vet's office right when they opened at 7am to get Phoenix in there ASAP.  I got him an 8am appointment and got ready for work so that I could take Phoenix and then drop him off at my parents house and go straight to work.

The vet didn't seem as concerned as I was, but he sees stuff like this all the time and he wasn't the one who had to clean the blood and diarrhea off the floor yesterday.  He took a fecal sample from Phoenix by force and said that there was almost more blood than poo in there.  He said that he doesn't know the underlying cause for the bleeding in there, but it is probably a combination of several factors.  One being that Phoenix is stressed out from the move and really anxious to begin with.  Two is that he's already got digestive trouble that causes him to go poop even when his body isn't ready to expel it and it comes out in near-liquid form.  Three is that there may be something else that needs to be considered but we need to rule out other things first.  So he gave us some antibiotics to clear up whatever might be causing the digestive upset in the first place.  He gave us probiotics to help his colon get back to the normal balance of good bacteria so that he will have more bowel regularity.  I'm supposed to give him canned pumpkin in his canned dog food every day for awhile for fiber, and I had to buy some Immodium AD to help stop the explosive diarrhea.  The poor guy must be hurting something fierce!  I know how much I hate having a tummyache and how much it sucks when my digestion isn't working properly.   I just want to hug him and snuggle him and not let him go until he's feeling better.

So I dropped him off with my dad and went to show apartments.  Which ended up being a complete waste of time because no one showed up.  I understand that there are days when that is the case, but I could have used the distraction because all I could think about was Phoenix and I really got the worry going and I can be a world-class worrier when have time to think.  When I got off work, the plan was to take P home and take a good long nap while we waited for Nick to show up to work on the cable.  Well we got home and shortly thereafter Nick called and said he was on his way, so we didn't get the chance to lie down.

Nick worked for almost two hours on my cable, and ended up replacing the digital box which temporarily solved the problem.  He found the wiring in my wall to be bad and told me it would probably have to be replaced, but he wanted to try a new box just to see if that helped.  So he threw a new box in there and it worked!  For about an hour.  I found that there wasn't anything on TV I wanted to watch, so I turned my 30 Rock DVD back on, and when I switched back to the cable again, it wasn't working.  Which means the house needs to be re-wired.  In order for them to re-wire the house, I have to get permission from the homeowner, which is something that will not be relatively hard, it's just a HUGE pain in the ass to have to do it this way.  God forbid it should be something easy, right?

I can live without cable.  I've been doing it for weeks now.  However, being able to zone out and lose myself in some inane TV show about ghostly occurrences in New England is a really useful coping mechanism and I was willing to pay the $40 a month for that safety and comfort, but if it's going to be this much of an ass-ache, it may not be entirely worth it.

Seeing Nick was kind of hard.  The last time I saw him, he hadn't made his new relationship "official" yet.  Seeing him just reminded me of the trouble I'm having in the dating realm and of why I am probably still single, and it comes down to this: I work a lot.  Because I work a lot, in my off time I want to relax, and for me, relaxing means watching TV or a movie and probably falling asleep.  I'm not someone to really go out and try a bunch of new things, and I especially don't want to be away from Phoenix while he's sick this way, and so I am homebound.  I don't mind being homebound, but it really does impede on my ability to go out and meet new people.  I actually mostly enjoy being homebound, which is why I was looking to the internet to meet guys, but I think I am probably not nearly exciting enough for anyone to really want to spend a substantial amount of time with me.

I hate when thoughts creep into my head about how others might see me as less-than-appealing, but since I am trying to change in order to make myself happy and to be an easier person to get along with, I try to look at my personality and my attitude objectively.  Looking at oneself objectively means having to accept or at least acknowledge the flaws one has and attempt to change them.  However, when I see my own flaws, I focus on them and I magnify them and it makes me terribly unhappy and no one wants to be around someone who is chronically unhappy.  So I feel as though I am stuck.

Anyway, while Nick was here, Phoenix had another "accident" on the carpet, so I got to spend another hour of my life cleaning that up.  And bloody diarrhea is really gross.  I can't get the smell out of my nose.  After I finished cleaning that up, I fed Phoenix his dinner and we got in bed.  We slept for a few hours, and I am still so freaking tired that all I can think about is going back to bed and staying there for at least 12 hours if not more.  Unfortunately, as I have to work in the morning, that is not an option.  So I need to go hop in the shower so I can be asleep before 10.

Something that all of this is beginning to make me think about is that maybe I am just not supposed to be living here.  I don't know where it is I might be supposed to be living, but with Phoenix being sick and not acclimating, and me not being able to get the cable hooked up in my room, I wonder if I should try to find other living accommodations.  I DO NOT want to move again, and  I don't want to subject Phoenix to that upheaval all over again.

GOD I HATE being such an insecure person, and I think that being aware of it makes it that much worse!  All I want is to be able to go about my life in a normal fashion without having these existential feelings that I pay such a huge amount of attention to.  I'd like to go to bed in a shitty mood one night and wake up in a great mood the next morning.  I want to have things happen the way they've happened in the last couple of days and be able to just brush it off, walk away and start anew.  I want to be one of those people who endures having to do things they don't want to so that I can come out of them stronger and more confident.

FML.  Going back to bed.  So over this day.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Under Redress

I've been feeling so great lately that any change in my mood is noticed immediately, and I have noticed a change and I'm perturbed.  I woke up this morning and blatantly did not want to get up and go to work.  Now, that's a totally reasonable way to feel.  I'm sure that at least 50% of working Americans wake up every morning and at least think to themselves, "Man, I really don't want to go to work today."  But they go anyway, as did I.  I'm working really hard to force myself to do the things I've obligated myself to do, like go to work, so that I can be considered a reliable person.  Also, I need the money, and taking a day off when I'm not sick or dying or on vacation is something I can't afford to do.  Anyway, this is the first morning since I've started this job that I have really, really not wanted to have to go to work.  For no apparent reason.  I did get up and get ready, anyway, but I am feeling pretty melancholy today.  It might be left over from spending all day writing a really deep email to Former Bestie, sort of apologizing and telling her how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking.  It might be that I've been feeling in the dumps about being relationship-less and seemingly unable to find or keep a guy in my life.

I'm a little bit worried, because now I'm living in a place where I can sort of hibernate and not be social, and when I'm feeling depressed I tend to retreat into my own space and my own thoughts and that is not at all conducive to climbing out of the depression hole, which is exactly what I need to force myself to do when I'm feeling depressed. 

Usually I can feel a bout of depression coming on, and I really hope that what I am feeling right now is not that.  It's a little different from what I usually feel when I feel a relapse coming, but I have been feeling really fantastic and doing really well and making a lot of progress, so it's entirely possible that a pre-relapse feeling now will be different from what I'm used to.  I have just really liked being able to function like a completely normal human being, by getting out of my bed and accomplishing things every single day, even when I don't have to accomplish anything at all.  I feel as though I am a part of the world and that my presence in it isn't completely wasted and that I have purpose.  While I have had many, many days where I have felt this way over the past 5 years, the feelings were fleeting.  I have been feeling good for at least a couple of months now, if not longer, and I want to keep feeling good!

I am not sure what to do here.  I never am, but because I don't know what I'm feeling actually means, I'm hesitant to actually do anything at all.  I plan to attempt to keep functioning as I have been, but that's just my plan.  There is a good possibility that I simply will not be capable of functioning normally once a relapse hits, but I really hope that that is not the case here. 

I sort of have the urge to just like go wild and crazy and go out every night drinking or something, just to sort of trick my psyche into thinking that everything is okay, or even better than okay.  I am really hoping that Nick is able to come over and fix my cable tonight because I need my coping skills right now.  I guess even if he's not able to come over, I can probably get SOMEONE from Comcast to fix it.  I just like Nick and I'd like to see him is all, plus I can ask him questions that I might not be comfortable asking just any tech who comes to fix it.

I'm trying to do things that make me happy today.  I was listening to the radio on the way to work and I heard a clip from last night's Conan which featured Carmelo Anthony, and it made me laugh.  I'm now watching said episode of Conan, but so far, it is not entertaining me as much as I hoped it would.  I do love Conan, though, and have publicly claimed that it has powers to cure depression.  Shortly I am going to go heat up some of my delectable artichoke dip, and then I am going to order Jimmy John's for lunch.  I have a bottle of champagne at home which I would love to drink the entire contents of, and would if I didn't have to show stupid properties tomorrow.  I may still since I don't have to get up too early and I don't have to dress up and be super "have-my-shit-together" looking.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I don't actually have my shit together.  Perhaps it was just a hallucination of some kind, and I really am stuck in a mental hell of hopelessness and purposelessness. 

Monday, February 21, 2011

Deep Thought About Shallow Things

Last night, after I wrote my daily post, I got into the shower.  While I was in there, I got thinking about Former Bestie.  Yet again.  I really miss her a lot.  I think I probably miss, more than anything, the idea of having someone I can call my "Best Friend."  But along with the label comes camaraderie, ostensibly a partner in crime with whom secrets and judgments are made and kept.

Before, I had that with Former Bestie.  We were in nearly constant contact, and it felt very strange when either of us was momentarily unreachable.  Then she met New Fiance and decided that being in constant contact with me wasn't as important anymore.  My feelings were fairly hurt by that, but at the same time I was jealous and feeling very possessive and protective of her, and between those feelings and my self-imagined inadequacies, the combination was just more than I could bear. 

Seeing my friend come into possession of a man in her life that she can trust and be taken care of has just set off every minute sensor in me that says that there's something wrong with me that I have not found that yet.  I try not to be so hard on myself because I'm not even really that close to 30 yet and it's totally okay for me to be single and still finding out who I am. 

I've been thinking for a long time about writing to Former Bestie and telling her that I want to try to be a better friend and that I want to try to be supportive and be there for her, but I'm being super cautious about it.  I don't know if I can handle being a part of her life again without it bringing forth all the issues that I have of my own, and it's not fair for me to project those issues onto her or to take out my frustrations with my issues on her. 

I don't really understand why I'm so possessive of her or of my friendship with her.  I don't feel that way about anyone else.  I have full confidence in my friendships with Tiffany and Kara and even though I knew them both before they married their husbands, I never felt jealous of the directions their lives took. 

The bottom line is that I just want to be around for all of it, the good and the bad, and I know that she probably wants to be around for all of my good and bad, too. 

If nothing else, this will be an exercise in my self-confidence and my patience and my ability to be a better person all around.  If it doesn't work, all I can hope for is that it doesn't do any detriment to the well-being I've established for myself in the last few months.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Tonight is the first night in a loooong time, probably about a month, that I've sat down at the computer with the intention to write a blog post, without having anything else I have to do.  I mean, mostly when I sit down to write, it's like I've gotten up out of my bed because I've forgotten to write anything and then remembered while I was winding down to go to sleep.  I'm not there today.

I got up to be awake at 8am just in case the Comcast guy showed up at the beginning part of the 4 hour window I was given.  I then fell back asleep and woke up about 15 minutes before he did show up.  While he was working, I cleaned the house!  I vacuumed the stairs and my bedroom and the bathroom, all of which were in DIRE need of a good vacuum job, and I cleaned the bathroom.  I really like this bathroom because it's not tiny, and I have plenty of room for all of my things.  The only problem is that the shower head might be one of those low-volume ones, and it takes me like 5 full minutes to become fully wet, which in turn makes it take that much longer to wash all the shampoo and conditioner out of my hair and all the soap off my body.  I do not like this.  I bought a detachable shower head awhile back that I had been saving for when I did eventually move out because I have never moved into a new place that already had a detachable shower head.  I like having the option to just wash my hair some days and it's just plain easier to do that with a detachable shower head.  It's not for what those of you with gutter-minds are thinking of.  It appears that my roommates are both very eco-conscious ladies, which I find very cool (I love that we recycle!), but I worry that if I ask to replace the shower head, they'll say no.  I brought this up when I was at my parents house yesterday, and my sister suggested that I approach it from a dry-comedic standpoint and offer to pay an extra 5% of the water bill each month to make up for the difference.  Which I will be attempting to do!

Anyway, the cable did get hooked up, but it's not working great, it keeps blinking in and out.  I called Comcast to report the problem, and they reset my cable box, but that didn't work.  I asked to have someone come out and fix it tonight, but then I was watching a movie on HBO (which I get for free for three months) and it was uninterrupted and so I called and canceled the service call.  And then it started blinking again.  Such is my luck.  So I got in touch with my old friend, Nick (he doesn't read this anymore, I can use his real name now [it used to be "Dane/Kale"]), who works for Comcast, and he will probably be coming by sometime this week to fix it for me.  Which is awesome.

I had to go to my parents house today to be the "neutral party" for my sister's ex-husband to retrieve all the things that he requested in mediation.  I was not thrilled about having to do this, but I did it with a smile on my face, and I was overly pleasant to my ex-brother-in-law today, even joking around with him about how little Z had offered to help me move into my new house, but had decided he wanted it to be a secret from his dad, but then told him anyway.  After he left, he sent me a text message saying thank you for making it as easy as possible, and that he'd like to buy me a beer sometime.  I was FLOORED.  I just went into the whole thing thinking that I would be friendly as though nothing ever happened, because if I went into it with a chip on my shoulder, it would be that much more awkward altogether.  I didn't even think too much about my attitude towards him at the time.  It's just that he's used to my sister and her batshit crazy tantrums and her yelling and screaming at everyone.  I'll never forgive what he did and I pretty much hate his whole family, but there's no reason that I need to be a bitch.

I unpacked a couple more boxes and did a little grocery shopping today, too.  I'm feeling more and more settled and I like it.  I'm able to converse with Linda with a bit less awkwardness and Phoenix is getting used to Rainey a little more.  Rainey even pretty much lies down and flips onto her back to show her submissiveness to him, which I think is awesome.  He doesn't get it, but the more time they have to spend with each other, the easier it will get.  I can see that Rainey just wants attention and love, but Phoenix is NOT okay with sharing me, which I completely understand.

So, the last couple of days that I've spent more than an hour at my parents house, my mom has asked me if I've taken Phoenix on a walk or anything.  That drives me NUTS!!  That's one of the top five reasons I couldn't stand living there.  When she has days off of work, she takes him on walks to the park, but I haven't taken him on a walk in our new neighborhood yet.  I'm sort of dreading it, because Lafayette is really strict about leash-laws and I want Phoenix to be able to run around off-leash as much as he can.  I understand the need for leash-laws, especially since I am familiar with how Phoenix lunges at people who are running or bicycling by us when we're out, but since I'm new to the neighborhood, I don't want to push the boundaries yet.  I definitely want to get him a retractable leash, but I don't think they make 60' ones, and also they're like thirty bucks and I'm trying very hard to save money right now.  I will take him, but the weather has to be really super nice and it has to be the right time of day where we're not going to run into a whole shitload of people out walking their dogs.

Oh I don't want to work tomorrow.  I managed to make it 3 whole months without really hating work, but the week of working all five days and then having to go straight into showing properties on my days off has altered my attitude towards being there.  I like that I'm fitting into my job very well, and learning things about the job and about property management, plus I love being considered dependable and reliable.  I have been complaining to some of our tenants lately about how sick I am of being there, but I know that I need to keep my mouth shut before it gets back to my boss if it hasn't already.  Having the weekend always re-energizes me, and Monday I'm usually pretty fresh and not totally burned out on being there, but I'm not looking forward to working this week.  At least I had some time to relax this weekend.

Okay I need to go get into the shower (which I cleaned today).  I shower at night to save myself an extra twenty minutes in the morning.  And I love being able to go to bed early enough to get like 10 hours of sleep!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Satisfaction Guaranteed

I felt quite satisfied today.  After spending some quality time with my roommates last night, and then getting to sleep in this morning and get more organized and more unpacked, I feel peaceful.

I went with Jen to get manicures and pedicures today, and that was nice.  The last time I got a mani/pedi was the last time I visited Former Bestie in Washington.  I find it very difficult to spend money on such frivolous a thing as something I'm quite capable of doing myself, but I think it's something that needs to be done on occasion.

While feeling quite tranquil, I'm also feeling a combination of other feelings, the strongest of which is longing, which is something I've been feeling very regularly lately.  As I am fairly certain there is nothing I can do about this longing, I am content to sit with it and let it wash over me until it subsides on it's own.  Which I hope will happen sooner rather than later.

I think about Former Bestie daily, and many times daily.  I wish that things had not happened the way that they've happened, and I miss her more than I can bear sometimes.  I wish I could tell her about all the good fortune that's befallen me, and about being able to move out of my parents house and about how healthy and happy I feel.  I wish I could tell her these things and hear about all of the wonderful things that have happened in her life without feeling envious and jealous of all of it.

It all comes back to the longing I feel for companionship.  Both to have someone to share every single thought that passes through my mind, and to share every moment of waking life with, who wants to spend every waking moment of life with me.

I guess I just don't understand how some people can be blessed enough to find multiple loves throughout their lives, when I seem to have only had the one.

I had to switch my appointment to have the cable hooked up to tomorrow morning, between 8am and 12pm, so I have to get up early.  I have been chosen to be the "neutral party" to be present while my sister's ex-husband picks up the items that were decided that he should get in mediation, and that's at 3pm tomorrow.  I guess I just have to stand there and watch while he loads everything up and make sure that everything is okay, but I am not looking forward to it.  He and his family have a way of making me feel as though I were invisible and utterly unimportant, and it's unnerving.

I need to go to bed now, before my thoughts get too confusing and upsetting.

But I end with this:  I am happy today.

Friday, February 18, 2011

TGIF Volume II

I am pretty sure that I do not like being a showing agent for property management.  It's dirty, and uncomfortable, and you have to really pretend to like the places you're showing and there are several that I do not like.  For example, the studios that smell like cat urine.  Or the one bedroom where the guy smokes inside like a chimney.  Gross!

I will probably stick with it for awhile, because I know it will get easier once I get used to it, but I don't have to like it.

So, Phoenix was up at 4am.  I took him outside and let him wander around out there for awhile.  I don't know why his stress manifests in the middle of the night but I wish it wouldn't.  I know it's stress that's making him antsy and upsetting his stomach because there's nothing out of the ordinary that he has ingested.  Plus, yesterday all three dogs were in my room because I was the only one home and twice Nali snapped at him when he tried to get near me.  I think that really upset him.  I am very hopeful that over time they'll all get used to each other and start relaxing a bit.  Rainey is chilling out with him just a bit, and not being so bitchy with him, and he and Nali really like to play.  They're funny!  I tried to get out of showing properties today and called my boss to tell her that Phoenix was acting really weird and that I needed to take him to the vet, which was only half a lie, he was acting really weird but I wasn't going to take him to the vet.  She said that she had made an appointment and couldn't show the properties, so I called my mom and asked her to come and get him for while I was at work, and she did.  However, when I came home, the maintenance guy was here doing some work, and there were big brown splotches on the floor, and I just assumed they he'd done something.  Phoenix and I napped for awhile, and got up right before Linda came home, but when she came in she noticed a few more spots and it became obvious that the spots were definitely dog puke.  So I just spent the last hour cleaning them up.

And I just spent a lovely evening bonding with my roommates!  Details to follow tomorrow.  For now, bedtime.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Natural Obstacles

I think I have bonded with my boss.  This is a very good thing because it will make it that much harder for her to fire me if I should ever do something that makes her unhappy with my performance at work.  And if we have bonded, I think it will be that much harder for her to find something that I do unsatisfactory.  None of this is to say that I can do no wrong or that she will never fire me, but I am glad that she has a positive opinion of me, and I think that she considers me to be reliable and that is something I was striving for with this job.  I do feel better about being able to confide in her about the quirks of this job that annoy me on a day-to-day basis.

Also with regards to my job, I am rapidly losing my patience reserves for people who ask stupid questions or try to make me think that I'm wrong when I'm not.  I try VERY HARD to keep calm and remember that people cannot read my mind and aren't privy to the information I am privy to.  Every day, I do the best I can to be polite and kind to the people that come in and out of my building.  I am having a VERY DIFFICULT time remaining polite and kind today.  And if you'll recall from a blog I wrote on Tuesday, I also had difficulty keeping my cool then, as well.

I often find it very difficult to maintain a positive attitude, yet I find it even more difficult to let my attitude become altogether negative.  I never know what the next day may bring, and I often look forward to the surprise.  I have fleeting moments of uncertainty, but I allow them to come into me and leave me entirely naturally.  The move and the responsibility of my job showing apartments is stressing me out, but not so much that it's disturbing my mood much.

I can't seem to get enough sleep or enough rest.  I feel quite exhausted just about all the time.  I'm looking forward to this weekend and getting an opportunity to not really have any obligations.  I feel like it's been awhile since I haven't had one plan or another for things I have to do or people I have to see.  Jen and I have plans to get mani/pedis, but that's it.  And because I ran all my errands and paid all my bills yesterday, I freed up the weekend nicely for myself.  I hope to get some cleaning done and some relaxing done.  Cable is scheduled to be hooked up on Sunday afternoon.  Hopefully by Monday I'll feel re-energized enough to get through next week.  

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

In Transition

Whoa.  Today was long!  While I didn't have to go in to work and sit at the desk for nine and a half hours today, I did learn how to show the apartments my company has available for lease all over Downtown Boulder.  So that was cool.  I wouldn't pay like $900 a month for any of their studio apartments.  The houses they're in were built in 1905 so the architecture is really cool, but they're pretty crappy.

Then I got so much stuff done!  I got my key copied for my mom, while also getting a copy of my car key to keep at my new place.  I deposited my check and got my security deposit taken care of.  I finally found the special light bulb I needed for my fancy lamp.  I got two cases of canned dog food, picked up my prescription, got a box out of storage, and got the rest of my stuff out of Tiffany's house.  I also got a new prescription for my contacts and a new pair of glasses, and I paid off the rest of my doctor's bill at my doctor's office.  Phoenix got to hang out with my mom, as did I, and I got to watch the last episode of the IBM Jeopardy challenge.

Oh!  And yesterday, I paid my CU Continuing Education bill off, which was what kept a hold on my account and prevented my application for readmission from going through.  So now I officially owe NO MONEY to the University of Colorado at Boulder and I can officially go back to school!!

I'm starting to get worried that Phoenix is not going to ever get along with Rainey (Linda's dog) because he keeps snapping at her and is really protective of me.  Nali, Meredi's dog, on the other hand, he's fine with.  He even let her get up on my bed with him, but he won't even let Rainey in our room.  I think part of it is that Rainey can see that I'm a dog person and that I will pay attention to her, and so she seeks attention from me, but Phoenix is worried that she's going to steal me away or something.  I don't know how to get him to relax! What's funny, though, is that I can totally see what it means when people say that dogs resemble their owners.  I can see that Nali's personality is a lot like Meredi's and I would venture to guess that people can see that Phoenix is a lot like me.  I think it's safe to say that Rainey is a lot like Linda, and I think that Phoenix doesn't like Linda, either.  I'm working on it.  She's just not the friendliest person, that's all.  Meredi on the other hand is bubbly and friendly and sweet.

I reopened my eHarmony account and have been using the guided communication with a few guys.  The problem with the free communication offers is that they don't allow users to see pictures without paying for a subscription.  I am certainly considering paying for a subscription, I just want to make sure that I have plenty of money left over after I pay all my bills off.  I want to put some serious effort into using online dating but unfortunately, physical attraction is super important to me and there sure are a lot of uggos out there.  They might have a great personality but I absolutely have to be physically attracted to them from moment one.

My mood was good all day.  I tried really hard to just be in the moment and not stress over all the stuff I needed to get done.  That probably helped a lot.  Okay.  I'm exhausted.  It's bedtime.  Work all day tomorrow, but I don't think I have to worry about Phoenix because my mom is probably going to come and get him tomorrow morning.  Thank GOD.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Valentine's Day has never meant much to me.  When I was little, my dad used to leave cards and candy on the kitchen table when he left for work so we'd see it when we got up in the morning.  I dated Brian over the course of three Valentine's Days and I can only remember details from one.  I met Aaron in December and had already had my heart broken by him twice by the following Valentine's Day.

I've just moved into my new house this year, and I spent my Valentine's Day working, then going grocery shopping and eating oven-cooked eggrolls with my dog watching Disturbia.  One of my roommates has a serious boyfriend who stays at the house with us most of the time - they went out to dinner, the other roommate went out with a girlfriend to console her over a breakup she experienced last year on V-Day.  Yesterday I wrote about a new guy I'd been talking to that I'd met on the Internet.  Today, I feel like crying.

It's not exactly rejection that I'm feeling, so much as a sense of disappointment and frustration.  Without even having physically met each other in person, he has decided that he will not be available enough to get to spend enough time getting to know me, and according to him, I'm too picky to be looking for something long-term.  I told him that I can't stand country music and I like guys that can grow a beard.  He said that those were interesting priorities for someone looking for a long term relationship.  I said that I know what I like, I know what I want, so if I'm going to look for someone to keep around for awhile, I should have what I want, right?  I'll never apologize for knowing what I want and seeking it.

I cringe at the idea of meeting people on the internet.  I think that it's tacky and there's a huge amount of stigma attached to it.  My older sister (yes, the crazy one) meets people all the time, all over the place.  She meets so many people, it's scary.  I think that might be the only quality of hers that I envy.  She's such an extrovert and she's able to strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere.  She makes fun of me to no end because I have so often met people on the Internet before meeting them in person.  When I met Dave (enough with the aliases for this guy, being the jackass he's turned out to be), I was excited because he was the first person I'd physically met in person that liked me in who knows how long.  I was excited to be actively pursued for the first time in 5 years by someone I hadn't met over the Internet.  And then it bombed.  So I resorted back to using the Internet, only to feel the same hopelessness and confusion I've felt before.

I don't want to marry someone I met over the Internet.  I want to do it the "old-fashioned" way where he strikes up a conversation with me at some random place and he pursues me.  I've never - not once - met someone that way.  I've met guys at parties, at clubs, at work, on blind dates set up by mutual friends, and over the Internet, but never while I'm out in the world just going about my life have I met someone who has then asked me out.  I've never met someone who asks for my phone number when I'm out shopping or running errands or anywhere by myself. 

There's a column that runs in the New York Times called Modern Love, and I really enjoy reading it.  It's written by random people, about all sorts of things that are modern and that have to do with love.  Affairs, dating, struggles with marriage, divorce, bed bugs, you name it.  They're having an essay contest for college students to write about their experiences with "modern love," with a prize of $1,000 and publication of the essay.  I'd LOVE to write about my plights with dating, but my stories have no subject aside from that my every molecule drips with longing to have a companion with whom I can spend the rest of my days.  The essay I read that won the contest two years ago said,
"So when my friends and I started having a conversation about the nature of monogamy, I thought I knew something about monogamy. Because, despite the fleeting nature of most of my encounters, and despite my own role in their short duration, I think what I have been seeking in some form from all of these men is permanence.
Sometimes I don’t like them, or am scared of them, and a lot of times I’m just bored by them. But my fear or dislike or boredom never seems to diminish my underlying desire for a guy to stay, or at least to say he is going to stay, for a very long time."
I think that's very well-put.  The guys I have attempted to date in the last year or so have all been wishy-washy about wanting to be in a relationship of any kind.  On the free dating site I've been using, there are several options for you to tell people why you're using the site, the choices of which are: hang out, long-term, dating, friends, or intimate encounter.  I've put that I'm looking for something long-term, and that I'm actively seeking a relationship.  I don't know how else to put it out there that I want something serious and I want it to last awhile.

I've recently decided that I'm not going to sleep with the next person I date unless I am sure that I love them.  I am sick and tired of sex putting unnecessary pressure on whatever connection I have with someone, and so I am going to take it out of the equation altogether.  I've done the dating without sex thing, I've done the sex without dating thing, but I really want the intimacy that having a serious relationship brings.  I'm by no means a slut, but I'm not completely old-fashioned in my dating ways that I would wait until marriage to sleep with someone.  I just don't want to go in that direction with someone I'm not going to keep around for awhile.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I know for a fact that marriage is not the be-all and end-all and is by no means any kind of solution to any problem.  I know that it creates more problems than it solves for certain.  I have enough problems of my own without throwing a relationship into it, and I think that if I were to get into a relationship that I was very happy with and have it end suddenly, I would probably be thrown headfirst into a tailspin of depression I would likely not emerge from for quite some time.  I am probably putting myself at great risk by even attempting to get into any kind of relationship until I can be sure that the end of said relationship would not reverse all the work I've done.

I don't often cry for myself, and I feel sorry for myself exponentially less now than I did just 5 short months ago, but I could really go for a good cry right now.  I'd like to not do it here at work if I can help it, and I feel sorry for Phoenix that he probably won't get any excitement out of me when I get home from work today, but I can just about guarantee that I will probably dissolve into a little Beth puddle when I get home.  After stopping for some pity-party refreshments for myself.

I wonder less and less what it is that is wrong with me that I can't attain or maintain a relationship with a man, and I think that's progress.  It's just that every time a possibility presents itself and then dissolves into nothingness, the question creeps back into my head and it sets me back a bit in what I consider to be recovery from 4+ years of unhealthy self-image.  I know that there are plenty of people out there with no self-esteem, major mental issues and past relationship baggage who are in long-term (if not successful) relationships (ahem, Former Bestie), but they'll never work on themselves.  Would I rather work on myself and my relationship with me than with another person?  Would I be more successful later on in a relationship with someone if I work out my own shit right now?  These are questions to which I don't know the answer, and I feel like I'm getting off track with what I was feeling and now it's gone.  So that's blog post #2 for the day, I guess.  There may still be a third.

Incompetence Ventilation

I'm WAY annoyed this morning.  By stupid people.  Asking stupid questions.  Or just having stupid things coming out of their mouths in general.  It started out this morning, when I came into work.  The lady who owns the custodial company we use was here, replacing light bulbs.  She asked me if I knew where her other stepladder was, which I didn't.  I didn't even know there was more than one stepladder in the building.  She said, "I think it's in the boiler room still from when that pipe burst a couple weeks ago.  Do you have a key to the boiler room?"   Because apparently the master key doesn't work on that door.  So I walked down the hallway to the door that had a sign on it that said "Boiler Room" and started trying keys on the knob.  She stops me and says, "No, it's the next door."  The next door has a sign on it that says "Air Conditioner Room."  Silly me, I thought she meant the boiler room when she said the words "boiler room."  And then she had the audacity to try to make me feel stupid because she gave me incorrect information.  I dread each morning seeing this lady walking around the building because she is just socially inept enough to not be able to make normal conversation without there being several awkward pauses in the conversation when she has nothing else to say to me and I have nothing I want to talk to her about.  One morning she was telling me that she cleans another executive suites building here in Downtown Boulder called The Highland Building.  I am familiar with this building because I interviewed there about a year ago and I really wanted the job.  When I interviewed, I was told I could have the possibility of picking up extra hours by cleaning the condos that were owned by the same company that owned the executive suites.  I told the cleaning lady that, and she got upset and said, "No, the girls at the desk there aren't allowed to do that anymore."  She got legitimately aggravated when I told her what I'd been told when I interviewed there A YEAR AGO.  I really do hate seeing her in the mornings.  She throws off my energy for at least the first few hours I'm at work after I see her.

I guess I am not sure how the security system for our building functions.  I know that I have a key card that I need to pass in front of a sensor to get into the building each morning because the doors don't unlock until 8am.  The people who work in this building know that they need a key card that they need to pass in front of a sensor to get into the building each morning before 8am.  However, the past two mornings, the alarm has gone off in the building because somehow, magically, someone has entered the building without using a key card to unlock the door.  It's even better when I rush up the stairs to turn the alarm off (because I'm always downstairs making coffee when this occurs), and there's someone walking past me looking sheepish.  Apparently honesty and integrity are quite rare qualities, because every morning I've had to turn the alarm off, no one comes forward to apologize for accidentally setting it off in the first place, or to explain what happened.

And I am going to have to continue to deal with idiocy for the rest of the day because one of the attorneys that offices here is holding a deposition upstairs in our 5th floor conference room.  He has at least 5 other people up there, each of which has come to the front desk today to tell me either that they were here for a deposition or that they were looking for the attorney who had scheduled the deposition.  Perhaps it's just that my patience and compassion have already been drained out of me today, but I feel like if you're in a building that you're not familiar with, there is no reason to act high and mighty and secretive about why you're there in the first place.  Also, the attorney approached me yesterday to alert me to the meeting that would be taking place and that several people would be coming in to be involved in the meeting and that it was scheduled in the upstairs conference room.  My first reaction when the people started arriving was to just send them up to the conference room, because I was not told to watch out for a particular person with whom the attorney wished to speak before the deposition began.  Although there apparently was.  As people arrived, I sent them upstairs.  Multiple times the attorney came up to ask me if anyone else had arrived yet, and looked alarmed when I told him I'd sent them upstairs.  Being unaware that I was to inform him of anyone in particular's arrival, I directed everyone as far away from me as possible as quickly as possible.

Is that not the natural reaction to coming into contact with someone stupid?  Get them as far away from you as possible?  There are more people than I am comfortable with that work in this building - and thus in far too close of proximity to me - who are awkward, selfish, impulsive or just plain stupid, and it's taken me three short months to finally see it all clearly.  There are two conference rooms in this building, and there are some days when they're not booked at all, and there are some days that they are booked all day solid.  Someone with common sense would book a room as far in advance as possible, and most people do.  There are some people, though, in this building who are incredibly self-involved, like the guys who run the social media company (and every employee in that company is one of those awkward engineer types who can't properly socialize with other humans).  The owner comes up to me almost every single day to ask if a conference room is available RIGHT THEN, and then gets mad if it's not.

I think today is going to be a looooooooooooooong day.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Initials Are V.D. For A Reason

So far, I have not received any phone calls or text messages alerting me to the fact that Phoenix has gotten out of the back yard or the house.  That's a plus!  I have to assume that either no one has convinced him to get close enough to look at his tags yet, or he's still in the house.  I'm hoping it's the latter.  I plan to RUSH home as fast as possible to get to him.  Then later tonight I have to do some shopping for household items like things with which to clean.  I wish I had enough money to buy a new vacuum and a flat-panel TV.  I got my tax-return AND my big paycheck from working almost 50 hours last week, so I have quite a bit of money to look at.  I say look at, and not spend, because I'd like to be ahead on my rent each month, so that I'm paying only half of it with the paycheck I receive on the first of the month, and the other half with the previous month's pay.  Now is going to be my only opportunity to make that happen.  So I will look at the money I have in my bank account and not spend it unless I know that I will be able to pay for everything I need to pay for (including paying off medical bills and getting an eye exam and new contacts). 

I should probably mention that I have begun communicating with someone from the free dating site.  He's just over 10 years older than me, he's fair-haired (and hopefully light-eyed), and so far, he spells everything out via text message AND he spells everything correctly.  I think he looks similar to Former Bestie's flame.  So, needless to say, I like him already.  He's smart, too.  Right now he's at CU getting an MBA, and also working for Level 3 Communications.  We haven't met in person yet, nor do we have any plans to meet (as of this moment), but I'm trying to get something planned so that I can finally decide whether or not he's someone I'd like to keep around.  Being fully aware of how I feel about people and making decisions about the relationships I have, I know that I will be able to tell fairly quickly whether or not I want to keep talking to this guy. 

He brought it to my attention today that I am kind of bitter about Valentine's Day, which I guess I am.  I haven't had someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with since 2006, and even then things were at the beginning of the end with Brian so it wasn't all that pleasant.  I'm just sort of anti-relationship at this point because I have been told so many times recently that I'm not someone they want to date but they'd love to be friends with me.  I'm guilty enough of having said that to guys, too, and I try to be good to my word about staying friends with them (look at my friendship with Jonas!).  I like to stay friends with guys I've dated, even if I don't have a romantic interest in them, because more often than not there is some quality about them that drew me to them in the first place, and I am all about making new friends and maintaining and nurturing friendships at this point in my life.  However, I have been very apprehensive about dating because I tend to be hurt when a guy inevitably tells me that he just wants to be friends and I am very protective of my feelings right now.  I don't feel like having to put myself back together again.

And so I'm attempting to be very relaxed about my communication with this guy to prevent the drama which often follows.  I'm excited, but not all that excited.  More nervous than anything.  But keeping my shit together.  And it feels good to have control over that.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all that have significant others in their lives with which to celebrate, and Happy Single's Reminder Day to all that don't.  I'm one of the latter, and I am pretty sure that I'm deciding I don't like Valentine's Day at all.  If I could, I'd buy Phoenix gifts for today since he is my love, but he already has SO MUCH stuff that I spoil him with.  And he has two new friends who are a risk for taking his gifts.

I can't believe that it's almost 5pm and it's still light outside.  That warms my soul!  Also warming my soul is the fact that I am in possession of enough money to maintain a fairly comfortable lifestyle, I have a job with which to continue making money, and I have a roof over my head and a room that is not in a location that my sister has access to.  Did I just end a sentence in a preposition?  That's a grammatical rule I'm not entirely in understanding of.

Anyway, today (the work day, anyway.  Who knows about the rest of the night?) is ending well.  I am thrilled not to have to sit at this desk the entire week this week although I am going to show apartments on Wednesday and Friday for some extra hours.  Work tomorrow and then sleep in a bit on Wednesday, get some blood work done and get my new glasses and contacts prescription.  I'm in a mood to Get 'Er Done (wink wink, Tiff)!


Welp, it finally happened.  I forgot to post anything yesterday.  In my defense, I spent the entire day yesterday moving into my new place and unpacking.  I was so exhausted by 7:00pm I could hardly keep my eyes open.

However, the move went great.  It took me quite awhile to get all my crap moved in, and I still have stuff I need to get out of storage, but Phoenix and I spent our first night there and it was great!  I have two female roommates, named Meredi and Linda.  They're both about my age.  Meredi works for a catering company and is getting her Masters in Social Work, and Linda is a kindergarten teacher for Denver Public Schools.  They each have their own dog, so Phoenix has two new roommates as well.  I would guess that they're both mixed breeds, Meredi's dog's name is Nala (I think), and Linda's dog is named Ramey (name and spelling I'm not entirely sure of yet).  Phoenix and Nala(?) get along great, they really like to play, but Phoenix actually snapped at Ramey(?) last night so I think they're going to need some time to get used to one another.

I left Phoenix at the house today and I'm pretty nervous about it.  I'm sure everything will be fine, but you just never know.  Yesterday when my mom and I were moving stuff into the house, I put Phoenix out in the backyard with Nala(?), and he jumped the fence.  Twice.  The fence is a good 6'-8' tall, but that dog can spring like a bunny when he wants to.  I left a note in case anyone should be at home today (I don't know either of my roommates' schedules yet, although I can take a guess at Linda's) not to just let him outside and walk away because he will know I'm not in the house and jump the fence to try to go looking for me.  I'm totally fine with him being inside the house all day.  It's just going to take him some time to get used to the fact that we are living there now and not anywhere else. 

So I'm posting this now, on Monday morning, in lieu of posting last night.  I'll post again either before I leave work or once I get home.  I just don't have the wireless network key there yet.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Step Towards the Future

It's been a long day. I'm writing this while listening to bad county covers at a bar called I Love This Bar - Toby Keith's. It's ridiculous. And Tiffany is sooooooooooo drunk. She's so drunk she's also crying. And momentarily helping me write this blog. Either way I am at this bar unwillingly. I hate county music. With a passion. And passion is not a word to be taken lightly.

The night began with the Slumber Party at which I bought my first vibrator. I don't often address sex on my blog but it's an important milestone to make note of. Apparently I may be the first 26 year old on the planet that does not own some kind of pleasure-myself-apparatus. I am no stranger to the realm of sex toys but I've always been apprehensive about toys to use for myself. So there's that.

Most of my day today was spent moving my large-ish furniture. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get the rest of it done. Either way, I'm sleeping at my new house tomorrow night. I hope. Leaving Phoenix there all by himself for 9.5 hours for the first time may be challenging.

I am still at the country crap bar. You guys remember Odd Guy? Yeah, we went out him him and Mr. Roomie tonight. Is he making out with random trashy bar chick right now? Yup. So that's fun. I've been asking to leave for like 30 minutes now but to no avail. And I'm the driver. Bullshit. The things I'll do for Tiffany. I've been thinking a lot about Former Bestie the last couple of days. I miss her like crazy, but I'm not sure I can handle being her friend without feeling competitive with or jealous of her. I caught p on her Facebook just now (out of boredom, and effort to not watch Odd Guy maing out with Trashy Chick), to see what her life has been like, and I definitely got depressed. Partly because I'm not around to go dress shopping with her, but partly because she's moving forward with her engagement. Maybe it will be good. I feel the need to be happy for her and excited for her movement towards a different life for herself and her kid, but I'm just not there yet. I'd like to try harder in the next few weeks to be accepting of her situation without being envious and competitive. I think it shall take a bit more time.

I have to attempt to talk Tiffany into leaving now. It's time for the night to end. I hope you enjoyed reading my blog written on location this evening.

Friday, February 11, 2011


I woke up this morning with a headache that has stayed with me all day long.  But it's Friday, and THANK THE LORD for that.  I think I might die if I had to get up and come into work one more day this week. 

So.  This weekend I move.  I am excited, except for the part where I'm moving my things almost entirely on my own (I can probably get my sister to help since I helped her back in August), and also because I don't think I can get the cable hooked up before Monday which is when the Jeopardy IBM challenge starts.  See, I'm a big Jeopardy fan.  I try to watch it as often as I can, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty good at it.  I've taken the test to be a contestant for three years now, and I feel confidently that I did well on the test this year.  I wasn't completely stumped on like 30 of the 50 questions.  Anyway, I probably won't be getting cable until next weekend, so I hope that I can make it that long.  I'm planning to call Comcast either tonight or tomorrow to see if I can get it hooked up this Sunday.  We'll see.

Other than that I haven't much to write about (again).  My moods are good, they're fairly stable.  I haven't experienced crippling bouts of upset-ness due to rejection on the dating site, although I'm being a lot less serious about it this time around. 

I should be getting my tax return on Monday and I get paid on Tuesday so next week I'm in the money!!  I'll probably just save whatever money I have leftover from paying the security deposit and rent and stuff so that I'm never ever at bank account $0 ever again.  It would be really nice if I could make that happen.  I am getting a lot better at not spending money just because I have it to spend.  Hopefully I can make it last.  I did make the $900 I got for graduating high school last like 8 months or some ridiculous amount of time, so I think I can do it.

I'm babysitting my nephews and niece tonight so my sister can go to a party and because my parents will not be back from the airport yet.  I'm kind of excited.  I love getting to hang out with them as long as I can walk away at some point and relinquish my responsibility of them.  See?  I'm not ready to be a parent. 

THIS WEEK IS DRAGGING ON!!  But it's almost time for me to go home.  I have to stop at my new house and pick up a copy of the key and then I'll probably grab a six-pack before I get back to my parents house.  I need it after this week.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Work Work Work

I haven't got anything to write about.  I've been at work for a total of 36.75 hours this week and that is like 8 hours too much.  My ass hurts from sitting for 9.5 hours each day, and the arthritis in my hips is all flared up because I've been trying to find a comfortable sitting position for like 8 hours of each day.

Last night I wanted to go to bed early but I told Tiffany that I'd gotten Paranormal Activity 2 from Netflix, and she insisted we watch it.  I was excited to see it, so I agreed.  It was a good movie, barring the one scene that involved the dog.  But then I went to bed and dreamed about it, as though I were in the movie.  It was scary, and I feel like I didn't sleep well because of being stressed out while I was asleep.

I'm so glad that tomorrow is Friday.  I might be the most glad for tomorrow's being Friday that I have ever been.  Regardless of the fact that I really haven't done a whole lot of WORK this week, I am worn out!  The fact that my hips and legs are nearly killing me I think is what is bothering me the most.

Hopefully I can get to bed early tonight.  I just want nothing more than to not have to work every day.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Don't Trust Me

Man, Colorado is a beautiful place.  I am not like the transplants who take advantage of living here, and goes hiking and skiing and snowboarding and 4-wheeling and all of that.  I spend like an hour a day outside at least come April when the weather gets nice.  I sit in the sunshine and read.  I am not much for hiking because I'd rather just go for a run or a drive through the mountains, but I don't particularly enjoy walking up a mountain trail WHILE getting a cardio workout.  But every day that I have to drive to work in Boulder, I always look at the mountains and think about how lucky I am to get to see something so beautiful almost every single day.

I was thinking on my drive to work that there was something I wanted to address in the blog today, but now I can't remember what it was.  I know it had something to do with feeling good and being grateful.  Which is something that is becoming more and more common an occurrence.  But I remember thinking that I wanted to address it today.

I start moving my things into my new house on Saturday!  I have worked it out with my future roommate/landlord to pay for everything with my tax return and next paycheck.  But it's supposed to be warm this weekend and so I'm going to take advantage of some time off and the great weather and move in!

I forgot to mention yesterday that I have once again re-joined the notorious free dating website I used previously.  I'm in a better place mentally to be able to handle the rejection that will inevitably pop up.

I stopped and got donuts on the way to work this morning.  That incalculably brightened my day.  It's Wednesday.  I had to work today.  That was enough to make me want to puke (not because I hate my job but because I hate having to work 5 days in a row).  I was doing really well, mood-wise, the first 6 and a half hours, but now I feel like my mood has taken a nose-dive.  I can't think of one real reason that my mood would change at all, but it has.  I just want to go home and crawl under the covers and sleep until tomorrow. 

But I can't.  I have to take the online Jeopardy test tonight, and it's only offered once a year.  I'll have to wait to sleep until this weekend.  If I make it there.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Typical February Day

Two days down, three to go.  I even made it in to work this morning on time, despite the snow that fell overnight.  Granted, I left the house at 6:30am, which is a whole hour before I had to be to work.  I like that I planned ahead this time and that it paid off.  In fact, I planned so far ahead that I stayed at my parents house last night so that I didn't have to leave the house at 6am to drop Phoenix off before actually getting on the highway to go to work.  And it worked out nicely.  Normally, I'd be breathing a sigh of relief over tomorrow being a day off, so that I could sleep in a little and get some other things done that I need to get done, but I am working tomorrow!!  That, I am not excited about.  I could use a little more rest.  But I'll project to be able to go to bed a bit early tonight.  I was in bed, lights out by 8:30 last night and it was GLORIOUS.

I haven't got much to write about today.  I wrote to the girls I'm moving in with to see if I can move into the house this weekend, a little bit ahead of schedule.  I'm anxious to get moved in, and I would really like to have the extra space for all the rest of my stuff.  While I'm extremely grateful to Tiffany for letting me stay with her in the interim time during which I hadn't enough money to pay for a deposit and rent to move out of my parents house and the time when I hit the point at which I couldn't stand to be living there anymore, I'm excited to get moved and settled into my new place.  I'm even more excited to be able to use the enormous closet in my new room.  I feel like I'm edging towards being the grown-up who does her laundry in a responsible manner, once weekly, so that it doesn't pile up and pile up in laundry baskets.  I'm anxious to be that grown-up in the full capacity.

I'd also like to get Phoenix settled into the place so that he knows it's his new home.  I'm terrified to be leaving him at home all day long without people and in a new place and with other dogs he doesn't know.  But I don't have much of a choice.  I'm thrilled that I'm only working all five weekdays this one time and not all the time.  I couldn't do it.  I don't have the patience to do it, and I enjoy my freedom far too much to be tied to this desk for more than three days a week.  Obviously the extra money would be really nice, but I hope I never have to work in a job that is in a field I'm not passionate about full-time.  It's too hard for me.  I guess I'm just not one of those people who can make myself do something just for the reason that I'm obligated to do it.  I know myself well enough to know that I would never obligate myself to do something I know I couldn't stand, and so I probably never will.

I think I'm going to struggle to make it through the rest of the week, but I'm going to do the best I can to keep my head up.  If I can get enough sleep, I know I'll be okay.

Monday, February 7, 2011


Oh I've been terrible about writing lately.  It's hard to write anything of substance from the tiny screen of an iPhone whilst in bed after having already turned off the lights and mentally readied oneself for sleep.  I try to make little footnotes during the course of each day for what I might write about later, but I haven't even really been doing that!

So to the writing of things of a more in-depth nature:

Being physically ill does take a toll on mental health.  However, I spent very little time during the last 5 days of being sick actually thinking about the state of my life.  It might be just that my own mortality suddenly came to the forefront of my thoughts during the fight for my health, or it might just be that I am content at this moment.

I feel as though I have some semblance of control over my life for the first time in who knows how long.  There are still little aspects I have no control over, but I think that finding some peace with the knowledge that there are things in this world that I can't control has been the key to maintaining my sanity.  Therefore perhaps I just don't have anything to write about.

I'm excited to be moving into a new place.  It's like watching a flower bloom after having frozen and died outside in the cold.  You know, like those sped-up videos.  I don't by any means want to jinx anything, and I know that I will still be facing a lot of different kinds of trouble where I will feel as though the darkness has returned to envelope me for any given amount of time, but for right now I need to focus on the fact that I am basking in the light and am warm and comfortable.

"Money doesn't buy happiness."  I'm not sure I can stand by that.  Money may not be able to physically purchase something abstract like happiness, but it sure can create a feeling of well-being.  In the month of February, between working extra hours and receiving a sizable tax-return (money which I have not actually seen yet but am just anticipating), I'll have enough money to pay the rest of my bills and I have money which I can choose to save, or I can spend it on things that I have previously needed and not had enough money to buy.  I can get myself a new laptop if I want to, since mine does not function as a laptop.  I could put a down payment on and opt to finance the remaining amount of Lasik.  I could buy a new flat-screen TV to replace my monster 27" flat-screen tube TV.  I can buy a fancy glass doggie-door so for my new place so that all three dogs can go in and out as they please (those suckers are expensive!).  I can take a trip to San Diego to visit Kara (finally!)!

Anyway, that's all for today I think.  I keep getting hot flashes and waves of nausea so I'm going to attempt to sit still and relax for the next hour and twenty minutes before I have to go to home.  At least I don't have to worry about sitting bolt upright in bed tonight half asleep remembering that I still need to write for the day.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Superbowl Sunday

I was almost asleep this time. Damn!

Thank God. Today I began to feel a little better. Not so socked in with crud. Although I've been feeling terribly nauseated since I got home from my parents house. I went over to hang out and watch the Superbowl. We had chips and queso and guacamole. Yum. I could actually even taste some of it!!

And so tomorrow morning I begin my full work-week. 47.5 hours of work. I know by the end of it I'll be bored to tears, but after the last 5 days of being sick, I'm excited to get back out into the world. And it will more than pay off. That plus my tax-return and I'll be swimming in money. I'm going to do my best to save it!

That's all for today. I'm hoping to get ready quick enough in the morning to stop and get donuts. There's no better way to start any week than with donuts.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Almost 100 Years Later - Influenza

Day four of sickness.  SO over it.  I'm bored of sleeping (who'd have thought?), and I'm trying to function as normally as I can, but I want to feel better so I'm making a conscious effort to rest and recover to the best of my ability.  Several times today I've thought of going to the hospital because my symptoms are almost more than I can bear.  The only thing stopping me is the thought of the hospital bills that would follow, and that I simply cannot stand.

I've left Phoenix at my parents house tonight so that he will get more social interaction and so he won't be bored to death while I spend most of my time sleeping.  I'm planning to get directly into bed after writing this post.  I've been on a regimen of generic dayquil, mucinex and nyquil and I stopped to get some zicam to throw into the mix as well.  I think this is the most ill I've felt in a very long time, since perhaps 2006, when I was very sick for the duration of Former Bestie's wedding celebrations.  Luckily this time I can spend most of my time resting.

This is the first time in my life that the possibility has crossed my mind that an illness like this could very seriously incapacitate me and even possibly be fatal.  I know that I'm nowhere near dead or dying but I honestly feel that this is the most ravaged I've been from an illness in at least the last ten years.  My wits are seriously dulled, I feel like my head is swimming in a foggy cloud all the time, my reaction time is much, much slower than normal, and I just feel all around slow.  On top of the flu symptoms (sinus congestion, sore throat, cough, fever, sneezing), I'm feeling very nauseated this evening and I'm just praying that I don't throw up.  I ate a wonderful dinner at my parents house and I would rather not see it again.

And so I commend myself to my bed, in sweats, with a water bottle full of water and another full of orange juice, so that by Monday morning I can go to work without fear of being unable to finish the day.

PS - I finished my taxes today.  Refund around $1,700.  Enough for a security deposit and a new laptop.  Maybe.