Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Holy God.  Today has been one of the worst days ever.  I wrote yesterday's post at work and posted it, and if I could have written another post last night, I would have.  I was so exhausted by the time I got into bed at 11 last night.

So I thought Nick was coming over to work on my cable yesterday, after work.  He called me to ask if he could reschedule and I said that was fine because I was planning to just go hang out at my parents house after work anyway.  But I was about five minutes from home when I got a text from Meredi saying that Phoenix had several accidents all over the house - on all three floors, as she put it - and that she was just going to put him outside because it was too much for her.  I got home, and there was diarrhea everywhere.  In my room, in the entry room, in the living room, and in the basement.  He had dripped both shit and blood all over the place.  So I set right to cleaning it up, and I effectively used up over a full roll of paper towels and two half spray bottles of carpet cleaner solution over the course of three hours.  I stopped in the middle to take Phoenix to my parents house to hang out while I went out to buy more carpet cleaner to replace what I had used.  We came home and I continued cleaning.  I felt like I was up to my elbows in shit and blood.  I finally got done around 9pm, showered, and then messed around for the next hour, and got in bed and watched 30 Rock for an hour to unwind a little.

I decided last night to get up early this morning so that I could call the vet's office right when they opened at 7am to get Phoenix in there ASAP.  I got him an 8am appointment and got ready for work so that I could take Phoenix and then drop him off at my parents house and go straight to work.

The vet didn't seem as concerned as I was, but he sees stuff like this all the time and he wasn't the one who had to clean the blood and diarrhea off the floor yesterday.  He took a fecal sample from Phoenix by force and said that there was almost more blood than poo in there.  He said that he doesn't know the underlying cause for the bleeding in there, but it is probably a combination of several factors.  One being that Phoenix is stressed out from the move and really anxious to begin with.  Two is that he's already got digestive trouble that causes him to go poop even when his body isn't ready to expel it and it comes out in near-liquid form.  Three is that there may be something else that needs to be considered but we need to rule out other things first.  So he gave us some antibiotics to clear up whatever might be causing the digestive upset in the first place.  He gave us probiotics to help his colon get back to the normal balance of good bacteria so that he will have more bowel regularity.  I'm supposed to give him canned pumpkin in his canned dog food every day for awhile for fiber, and I had to buy some Immodium AD to help stop the explosive diarrhea.  The poor guy must be hurting something fierce!  I know how much I hate having a tummyache and how much it sucks when my digestion isn't working properly.   I just want to hug him and snuggle him and not let him go until he's feeling better.

So I dropped him off with my dad and went to show apartments.  Which ended up being a complete waste of time because no one showed up.  I understand that there are days when that is the case, but I could have used the distraction because all I could think about was Phoenix and I really got the worry going and I can be a world-class worrier when have time to think.  When I got off work, the plan was to take P home and take a good long nap while we waited for Nick to show up to work on the cable.  Well we got home and shortly thereafter Nick called and said he was on his way, so we didn't get the chance to lie down.

Nick worked for almost two hours on my cable, and ended up replacing the digital box which temporarily solved the problem.  He found the wiring in my wall to be bad and told me it would probably have to be replaced, but he wanted to try a new box just to see if that helped.  So he threw a new box in there and it worked!  For about an hour.  I found that there wasn't anything on TV I wanted to watch, so I turned my 30 Rock DVD back on, and when I switched back to the cable again, it wasn't working.  Which means the house needs to be re-wired.  In order for them to re-wire the house, I have to get permission from the homeowner, which is something that will not be relatively hard, it's just a HUGE pain in the ass to have to do it this way.  God forbid it should be something easy, right?

I can live without cable.  I've been doing it for weeks now.  However, being able to zone out and lose myself in some inane TV show about ghostly occurrences in New England is a really useful coping mechanism and I was willing to pay the $40 a month for that safety and comfort, but if it's going to be this much of an ass-ache, it may not be entirely worth it.

Seeing Nick was kind of hard.  The last time I saw him, he hadn't made his new relationship "official" yet.  Seeing him just reminded me of the trouble I'm having in the dating realm and of why I am probably still single, and it comes down to this: I work a lot.  Because I work a lot, in my off time I want to relax, and for me, relaxing means watching TV or a movie and probably falling asleep.  I'm not someone to really go out and try a bunch of new things, and I especially don't want to be away from Phoenix while he's sick this way, and so I am homebound.  I don't mind being homebound, but it really does impede on my ability to go out and meet new people.  I actually mostly enjoy being homebound, which is why I was looking to the internet to meet guys, but I think I am probably not nearly exciting enough for anyone to really want to spend a substantial amount of time with me.

I hate when thoughts creep into my head about how others might see me as less-than-appealing, but since I am trying to change in order to make myself happy and to be an easier person to get along with, I try to look at my personality and my attitude objectively.  Looking at oneself objectively means having to accept or at least acknowledge the flaws one has and attempt to change them.  However, when I see my own flaws, I focus on them and I magnify them and it makes me terribly unhappy and no one wants to be around someone who is chronically unhappy.  So I feel as though I am stuck.

Anyway, while Nick was here, Phoenix had another "accident" on the carpet, so I got to spend another hour of my life cleaning that up.  And bloody diarrhea is really gross.  I can't get the smell out of my nose.  After I finished cleaning that up, I fed Phoenix his dinner and we got in bed.  We slept for a few hours, and I am still so freaking tired that all I can think about is going back to bed and staying there for at least 12 hours if not more.  Unfortunately, as I have to work in the morning, that is not an option.  So I need to go hop in the shower so I can be asleep before 10.

Something that all of this is beginning to make me think about is that maybe I am just not supposed to be living here.  I don't know where it is I might be supposed to be living, but with Phoenix being sick and not acclimating, and me not being able to get the cable hooked up in my room, I wonder if I should try to find other living accommodations.  I DO NOT want to move again, and  I don't want to subject Phoenix to that upheaval all over again.

GOD I HATE being such an insecure person, and I think that being aware of it makes it that much worse!  All I want is to be able to go about my life in a normal fashion without having these existential feelings that I pay such a huge amount of attention to.  I'd like to go to bed in a shitty mood one night and wake up in a great mood the next morning.  I want to have things happen the way they've happened in the last couple of days and be able to just brush it off, walk away and start anew.  I want to be one of those people who endures having to do things they don't want to so that I can come out of them stronger and more confident.

FML.  Going back to bed.  So over this day.

1 comment:

  1. "...I think I am probably not nearly exciting enough for anyone to really want to spend a substantial amount of time with me.'