Saturday, February 19, 2011

Satisfaction Guaranteed

I felt quite satisfied today.  After spending some quality time with my roommates last night, and then getting to sleep in this morning and get more organized and more unpacked, I feel peaceful.

I went with Jen to get manicures and pedicures today, and that was nice.  The last time I got a mani/pedi was the last time I visited Former Bestie in Washington.  I find it very difficult to spend money on such frivolous a thing as something I'm quite capable of doing myself, but I think it's something that needs to be done on occasion.

While feeling quite tranquil, I'm also feeling a combination of other feelings, the strongest of which is longing, which is something I've been feeling very regularly lately.  As I am fairly certain there is nothing I can do about this longing, I am content to sit with it and let it wash over me until it subsides on it's own.  Which I hope will happen sooner rather than later.

I think about Former Bestie daily, and many times daily.  I wish that things had not happened the way that they've happened, and I miss her more than I can bear sometimes.  I wish I could tell her about all the good fortune that's befallen me, and about being able to move out of my parents house and about how healthy and happy I feel.  I wish I could tell her these things and hear about all of the wonderful things that have happened in her life without feeling envious and jealous of all of it.

It all comes back to the longing I feel for companionship.  Both to have someone to share every single thought that passes through my mind, and to share every moment of waking life with, who wants to spend every waking moment of life with me.

I guess I just don't understand how some people can be blessed enough to find multiple loves throughout their lives, when I seem to have only had the one.

I had to switch my appointment to have the cable hooked up to tomorrow morning, between 8am and 12pm, so I have to get up early.  I have been chosen to be the "neutral party" to be present while my sister's ex-husband picks up the items that were decided that he should get in mediation, and that's at 3pm tomorrow.  I guess I just have to stand there and watch while he loads everything up and make sure that everything is okay, but I am not looking forward to it.  He and his family have a way of making me feel as though I were invisible and utterly unimportant, and it's unnerving.

I need to go to bed now, before my thoughts get too confusing and upsetting.

But I end with this:  I am happy today.

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