Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Under Redress

I've been feeling so great lately that any change in my mood is noticed immediately, and I have noticed a change and I'm perturbed.  I woke up this morning and blatantly did not want to get up and go to work.  Now, that's a totally reasonable way to feel.  I'm sure that at least 50% of working Americans wake up every morning and at least think to themselves, "Man, I really don't want to go to work today."  But they go anyway, as did I.  I'm working really hard to force myself to do the things I've obligated myself to do, like go to work, so that I can be considered a reliable person.  Also, I need the money, and taking a day off when I'm not sick or dying or on vacation is something I can't afford to do.  Anyway, this is the first morning since I've started this job that I have really, really not wanted to have to go to work.  For no apparent reason.  I did get up and get ready, anyway, but I am feeling pretty melancholy today.  It might be left over from spending all day writing a really deep email to Former Bestie, sort of apologizing and telling her how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking.  It might be that I've been feeling in the dumps about being relationship-less and seemingly unable to find or keep a guy in my life.

I'm a little bit worried, because now I'm living in a place where I can sort of hibernate and not be social, and when I'm feeling depressed I tend to retreat into my own space and my own thoughts and that is not at all conducive to climbing out of the depression hole, which is exactly what I need to force myself to do when I'm feeling depressed. 

Usually I can feel a bout of depression coming on, and I really hope that what I am feeling right now is not that.  It's a little different from what I usually feel when I feel a relapse coming, but I have been feeling really fantastic and doing really well and making a lot of progress, so it's entirely possible that a pre-relapse feeling now will be different from what I'm used to.  I have just really liked being able to function like a completely normal human being, by getting out of my bed and accomplishing things every single day, even when I don't have to accomplish anything at all.  I feel as though I am a part of the world and that my presence in it isn't completely wasted and that I have purpose.  While I have had many, many days where I have felt this way over the past 5 years, the feelings were fleeting.  I have been feeling good for at least a couple of months now, if not longer, and I want to keep feeling good!

I am not sure what to do here.  I never am, but because I don't know what I'm feeling actually means, I'm hesitant to actually do anything at all.  I plan to attempt to keep functioning as I have been, but that's just my plan.  There is a good possibility that I simply will not be capable of functioning normally once a relapse hits, but I really hope that that is not the case here. 

I sort of have the urge to just like go wild and crazy and go out every night drinking or something, just to sort of trick my psyche into thinking that everything is okay, or even better than okay.  I am really hoping that Nick is able to come over and fix my cable tonight because I need my coping skills right now.  I guess even if he's not able to come over, I can probably get SOMEONE from Comcast to fix it.  I just like Nick and I'd like to see him is all, plus I can ask him questions that I might not be comfortable asking just any tech who comes to fix it.

I'm trying to do things that make me happy today.  I was listening to the radio on the way to work and I heard a clip from last night's Conan which featured Carmelo Anthony, and it made me laugh.  I'm now watching said episode of Conan, but so far, it is not entertaining me as much as I hoped it would.  I do love Conan, though, and have publicly claimed that it has powers to cure depression.  Shortly I am going to go heat up some of my delectable artichoke dip, and then I am going to order Jimmy John's for lunch.  I have a bottle of champagne at home which I would love to drink the entire contents of, and would if I didn't have to show stupid properties tomorrow.  I may still since I don't have to get up too early and I don't have to dress up and be super "have-my-shit-together" looking.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I don't actually have my shit together.  Perhaps it was just a hallucination of some kind, and I really am stuck in a mental hell of hopelessness and purposelessness. 

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