Monday, January 31, 2011

Icy Considerations

Damn! I almost forgot to write again!! I didn't really even give it a second thought at work today.

I thought I may have found a house (again) today, but it fell through. Again. I'm taking Phoenix to look at a place with me on Wednesday. It is further outside of town than I wanted but I may have to settle based on price and availability.

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm going to pass out now.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Fantastically Unreal

For some reason, I'm having a bit of trouble remembering to write every day. I'm not overly busy or anything so I'm not sure what's going on. It's isn't that I don't want to write, either. I love writing.

I am spending a rather excessive amount of time fantasizing these last few days. It might be just that I have the time to be spending in my head creating fantasies that will never play out. It bothers me a little, because it causes me unnecessary frustration over being unable to make the fantasies come true.

I heard back about the house I'd wanted to move to, but I won't be able to live there. They've already acquired a roommate who has three cats and that is incompatible with my one dog. Boo. I'm disappointed. Even though I didn't want to get my hopes up, I guess I did. But I'm going to keep looking until I can find the perfect situation. I inquired about a couple of houses today and will probably go look at them in the next few days, weather permitting. One is way out in Lafayette, but roomier and cheaper and has dogs. The other is still only iffy - it is on the hill but I don't know if it allows dogs. I'm going to do the best I can to restrain myself from diving into any situation before I know it is perfect. I still have time.

I'm getting back into The Tudors. Coincedentally, my favorite actor in the series has just landed the role of Superman in the next movie, so I'm disappointed that he'll no longer be a relative unknown. that lowers my chances of actually meeting him and him falling madly in love with me. See? Fantasies.


Whew!  Today was pretty good.  I'm exhausted; I didn't take a nap, which is slightly unusual for one of my days off.  I spent the entire day at my parents' house.  I took Phoenix and Lucky to the dog park and I took the boys with me.  I guess they've been sick with some bug that gives them a headache and a fever, so poor little H wasn't thrilled with being outside for that hour.  He was really whiny and kept expressing worry over losing the dogs since they kept running off.  It was really good exercise for the dogs, though, and the weather was absolutely gorgeous today, so all the more reason to get outside.  The dogs went in the pond, which was half iced-over and completely full of mud, so when we got home, I had to give both Lucky and Phoenix a bath.  I took them outside to brush them off in the sun so they'd be warm while they dried, and after that I sat out with all three dogs while they chewed on rawhides and I read my book.  Then I vacuumed out my car and wiped off all the mud (with help from Z), and then searched craigslist for a house to move into.  By then it was dinnertime and we sat down to eat what was my first substantial meal in a week.

It's my own fault I haven't been eating.  I haven't had money to buy food and I don't like the idea of living off of the food that Tiffany and her hubby buy for themselves and their kids.  It's hard enough for them to support themselves and their family without throwing another adult into the mix.  I am hoping that my parents find it a little less burdensome financially now that they don't have to pay for food for me.

I came back to the house and decided to take a soak in the hot tub (yup, there's a hot tub here!), and they've got a TV set up out there, so I brought my DVD player out along with some Mike's Hard Lemonade and just swam around in the steamy goodness for awhile.

Remember "Dane"/"Kale"?  I have been talking to him on and off, so I'd invited him to come over to the house and sit in the tub with me and catch up since I had the house to myself.  He came over and we sat and caught up for a few hours whilst drinking.  It was lovely.  He works for Comcast, and I had mentioned to him that I couldn't get the wireless router working so he offered to take a look at it, which ended in him getting it set up and configured for me in no time at all.  And so I am typing this in my bedroom.

I love feeling efficient and productive.  I feel like I properly interacted with my family, my nephews and the dogs today, as well as a friend with whom I'd like to spend more time.  I am currently staying up late to get my laundry done so as not to be in the way of the family's normal laundry routine, but I can sleep in tomorrow and laze around for at least the better part of the morning.  And Phoenix is exhausted.  I feel good about allowing him time to socialize today as well as get a good amount of exercise.  When the weather is gorgeous like it was today, I feel like things are that much easier for me.  Having 60 degree temperatures in January is by no means odd in Colorado, especially considering that it is forecasted to snow and drop down to around 0 degrees Fahrenheit this coming week, but a glimpse of the beauty that the spring and summer weather offer in the dead of winter is terribly refreshing.  People are out in DROVES.  It is fantastic.

Given that I was really busy today, I didn't have much time to sit around and think, and I like that.  Any day when I can maximally escape mentally from my normal thought cycles and routines is highly welcome.  I think tomorrow might be a little tough for me, but now that I've got internet access in my room I'll have more of an opportunity to feel a bit more normal.

As for my craigslist search, I may have found a place to live.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it looks like a great opportunity for a good situation in an ideal location in a part of Boulder I've never lived in before, but a place I'd be super excited to get a chance to live.  It's literally right on Chataqua Park, which is literally at the foot of the Flatirons.  I hope that it works out, but like I said I'm trying not to be overly hopeful to minimize the disappointment I have a high chance of feeling if it shouldn't turn out like I want.

I'm so tired but I love feeling exhausted like this.  It means that I got the most out of my day, and I don't feel that way very often.  It sure beats the days when I've spent the better part of my time in or on my bed watching movies or whatever.  I don't think I'll have too many of those days in my future (I hope), because I'm slowly re-integrating myself into the world as though I've been hibernating for several years.  It's glorious.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Quietly Pondering

I'm feeling kind of inadequate today. I tried my hand at setting up the wireless router here. I was able to find it in the storage shed though, so that's cool. I pretty much knew exactly where it was. But I'm discovering what a social person Tiffany is and although it's about what I expected, I thought I was more secure with my placement in my own social structure. I was fine with the way things with Odd Guy had sort of ended up, but I'm finding myself feeling left out, I guess, after seeing the friendship he and Tiffany have. I don't really have that kind of friendship with anyone anymore. It hasn't really been bothering me too terribly much lately but living here it's kind of in my face. I'm not complaining by any means, just taking note of it. I guess it just means I've still got a whole lot of work to do.

In noticing the lack of closeness I have with anyone, I just feel more and more terrified of never finding a companion who fulfills all of the things I've got on my list of "must-haves" for a mate. I've been trying really hard to lower my standards, so that I have a whisper of a chance at meeting someone. When I see how open Tiffany is and how much she gives of herself, I wonder what it will take for me to be able to open myself to the world. I'm also keenly aware of the position I'm in right now, sort of in-between big changes I'm making in my life and I try to remind myself to be patient.

I'm writing on my phone again and it's being retarded so I guess I've got to end it here. Not having 24/7 Internet access and a computer is really cramping my style!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

For the Millionth Time

Today is dragging by.  Slowly.

So, yesterday was good.  I got up and went to the gym with Tiffany, where I proceeded to do 30 minutes of cardio, sweating so profusely you'd think I'd dunked my head in a horse-trough.  It felt good though, to work out.  I had planned to try to start hitting the gym to get into shape on the 25th or 26th of January, and go on all of my days off of work which is only four days a week, and I think I can handle that.  I mean, I've already started! If I can keep it up, I'll be very proud of myself.

After that, we went home and watched a couple of episodes of 30 Rock, because in agreement for me taking up Glee, Tiffany has agreed to take up 30 Rock.  It's a sweet deal because so far I like Glee and she likes 30 Rock!  Then we left to go donate blood.  This is where the day takes a silly turn.  Tiffany has donated a gallon of blood over the course of her life, and I've only been able to donate one other time in my life.  Tiffany is a gusher, and I had to be poked with a 16.5 gauge needle in BOTH ARMS.  The right arm wouldn't yield blood quickly enough to be used, so they poked my left arm.  It took awhile to get the vein, but they did get it.  After like 230mL, the blood flow slowed down.  I guess they have 5 minutes to collect 400mL of blood or more (a fully unit is 470mL), and mine slowed so much that they decided to give up.  I'm not squeamish about being poked and prodded or blood, and I was totally fine after all of that, but today my arms are SORE!!  That needle is huge and they must have really knicked some of my muscle-fibers or nerves or something.  I'm also bruised, although not as badly as after playing around with the IVs in Hawaii.  I'm kind of sad that I am just not one of those people who can donate blood.  I'm not going to give up yet, though. 

We grabbed some lunch at Tokyo Joe's (yum!) and went home.  I read for a short while and then took a nap.  In the two times I was out of the house yesterday, I left Phoenix alone.  He did really well, although he was crazy excited, which is a symptom of his separation anxiety.  I'm still leaving him at my parents' house while I'm at work, but I can start leaving him at Tiffany's for an hour or more.  I can imagine how nerve-wracking it must be for him to be unaware of when I'm coming back, or even IF I'm coming back.  It makes me angry to think that some people decided to get rid of him when they couldn't handle his separation anxiety behavior instead of putting in the time to work with him on it.  He's such a sweetheart and just wants to be loved, which is all I do!!  He is my heart!

I agreed to hang out with Tiffany's kiddos while she went to an appointment, although I had originally hoped to run over to my parents house to take my mom up on an offer to pay for some gas for my car since I'm beyond broke at the moment.  So I called my mom to tell her I'd be over later, only to have her tell me not to bother because apparently my sister had taken her debit card a few days ago, and gone to the bars with it, racking up a $90 bill. 

Somehow I am shocked.  It's not as though we didn't anticipate this behavior from her, but I just keep hoping that she'll make better decisions.  I asked my mom what her consequences would be, and all my mom said was that she talked to my sister and my sister had taken everything my mom said "to heart" and was now doing everything my mom was saying.  With her lips up my mom's ass.  I said to my mom that I'm pretty sure my sister doesn't feel an ounce of sorrow or guilt over what she had done, but she was pretending to be sorry and feel guilty simply because she thinks that is how she's supposed to act.  I think my mom is finally beginning to accept that my sister has a Sociopathic Personality Disorder.  And the problem is that as long as my sister can put her kids in between the consequences that she should face for all the dumbass shit she pulls and actually doing the dumbass shit, she's not going to face any kind of tangible consequences besides the wrath of my parents anger and furor.  And apparently she feels that she can live with that. 

When I took Phoenix over this morning to the house (and I wanted to say hi to the kids), my dad and I were able to talk briefly, and he told me that that was the third time in as many weeks that she had absconded with one of their debit cards (under the pretense she was using it to put gas in the truck) and then gone and used it for whatever else without their permission.  As though they have an unlimited amount of cash that she's just allowed to use whenever and for whatever she wants. 

I have to stop here because I need to go home, and I can't seem to begin writing and then stop and pick back up later, so I'll have to just wait to finish my rant until tomorrow's post.  I plan to go to my parents house for dinner and to hang out with the kids for awhile and then head back to Tiffany's.  Tomorrow I will be getting my wireless router out of storage to set up at Tiffany's so I can have internet in my room.  Hopefully I will survive the evening without losing it on my sister.  If I don't make it, at least I can leave.

Not Much

This is yesterday's post:

Good day today.  Went to the gym and attempted to donate blood.  No computer right now, so don't feel like writing details on my phone.  More tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Minutely Reassuring

I have been experiencing a confusing influx of feelings today.  Loneliness, anger, frustration, uncertainty, desire, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, anxiety, impatience, unimportance, confusion, reticence, restlessness and confidence.  To name just a few.  What becomes the problem is allowing these feelings to influence my mood. 

One of the biggest hurdles one faces in living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression is having a fleeting feeling completely alter one's mood.  Apparently fleeting feelings sort of come and go in people that don't have one or both of these mental illnesses without changing their mood.  It has taken me quite some time to figure out how to moderate my moods so that whenever something happens to make me feel differently, I don't allow it to completely ruin my day.  From time to time, it happens - for example, last week when I heard from Aaron that he would not be visiting me during his time off  (he gets time to move from Hawaii to Washington) because his girlfriend wouldn't want to do that - but for the most part, I'm really honing my skills and doing well at restraining the gauntlet of moods that I could go through during each day.

When I got up today, I was in a decent mood, I'd even go so far as to say it was positive.  Now that the day has worn on and nothing fantastic nor anything catastrophic has happened, I can say that it has progressed to ambivalence.  I had heard that Slightly Odd Guy (formerly known as Odd Guy and New Guy) had recently been exposed to high levels of CO (that's carbon-monoxide, not the postal code for Colorado for those of you idiots) and had gotten sick from it.  That's a serious problem!  I had refrained from contacting him with questions and to express my concern up until now, but I had a wild hair this morning (the cause of which I know to be having taken my One-a-Day Women's Active Metabolism vitamin which contains caffeine) and so I sent him a text message to tell him I'd heard about his near-fatal exposure and that I was concerned.  He said thanks, asked how I was, and then in response to my telling him that I've been struggling with life lately but I like living with Tiffany, he says, "The thing that counts most in the pursuit of happiness is choosing the right companion," along with a little signature thing at the end of the text with his name and "100%."  I was like WTF?!?  This is someone I considered dating not even a month ago.  A month ago we went on a date.  What the hell kind of a text is that to receive from someone you were considering dating?!?  Anyway, I was confounded.  A couple of years ago - one year ago, even - that would have considerably altered my mood, and it only momentarily changed how I felt.  I think that's a win.  I should have known to expect that from a quasi-Jesus-Freak.

I don't like going up and down and up and down and up and down emotionally during the day.  It's almost predictable that it will be something someone else does or says that will elicit an emotional reaction from me that may irreversibly (although only temporarily) alter my mood.  I'm really good at regulating my mood when something I read or do myself changes my emotions, it's when another person enters the picture that upsets me.  This I think is one of the widespread symptoms of people with BPD.  Our relationships tend to be overly turbulent, regardless of the depth of the relationship.  Someone we barely know saying something not-particularly hurtful can in fact profoundly disturb our mood.  Therefore, someone we feel that we have a connection with or someone we know well can say something very penetrating that can have a terribly destructive result.  It takes a lot of work to be able to control these things, and control is something that I have extreme difficulty in relinquishing.  So I've had to work ridiculously hard to gain control over what I allow to evoke any kind of emotion and even harder to not let my emotions vary my mood in any way.

I'm really excited that I'm making changes right now that will hopefully prolong my rehabilitation.  I was explaining to a friend the other day that thinking you're better but then realizing that maybe you're not has it's own benefit - you know that things do get better, and when things are really shitty that they will eventually get better.  By no means am I certain that I am better, nor am I anywhere near my worst, but I don't feel great.  I think the amount of disquiet in my life in the last 10 days has put my mood at a stable "yuck" point.  I don't know when it will get better but I know that it will.  As long as I can focus on that, as well as move one day at a time, I can get through it.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Ravaged Character

I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I am a wreck.  I'm not sure if I'm a nervous wreck, or just a wreck, but I am not feeling okay.  I feel like the amount of stress I am under due to my family and living situations is literally starting to flatten me against the earth.  I have no appetite, and I feel like I'm losing weight by the minute.  I know that stress is a major cause of unplanned weight-loss, and I love the idea of losing weight without having to go to the gym or manage my diet, so I'll admit to having some pleasure with the stress.  It's sick, I know.  But I can admit to it, so I have to own it.

Let's start with reason #1 for my nerves:  Phoenix.  I worry about him more than I worry about myself.  I don't want him stressed out.  I know exactly how he will act if I leave him in an unfamiliar place for too long.  The entire weekend I ruminated on where I'd be leaving him today.  It's not that I don't trust Tiffany or her family with him, it's just that he worries and it's needless.  I don't want him to think that I'm leaving him someplace, never to return again.  He's a very smart dog but he's a very nervous dog.  I wrestled with where I would be leaving him while I was at work today for three straight days.  I finally settled on taking him to my parents house before work this morning, so he could spend the day there.  If nothing else, he'll be comfortable.  Lately my dad has been working from home, and is there all day long, but this week he's teaching and won't be at home during the day.  My mom works all day on Mondays and Tuesdays and then Wednesday mornings, so she will be able to hang out with him on Thursday this week.  Tomorrow I'll probably still leave him at the house with my older sister.  My main concern is that he is comfortable.  The more time we spend at Tiffany's house, the more comfortable he'll be there, but I don't want to push him too hard too fast.

Last night, I made the decision to leave Phoenix with Tiffany while I met EMT friend for drinks, and I started crying when I left the house.  Just like a mommy leaving her new baby for the first time, or leaving her kid at daycare for the first time.  The anticipation is almost always worse than the actual act.  Nonetheless I cried.  On top of that, I was already upset over leaving him, but I also realized I needed to get in touch with my family about my decision to just have them pay the ticket and forget about it instead of having my sister go to jail, and when I called the house, my dad answered the phone and he sounded angry.  I know from talking to my little sister, who'd spoken to my older sister twice yesterday that my dad was upset, but we didn't know if it was because of the whole speeding ticket thing, or because of everything that happened on Saturday evening.  Either way, I told him what my decision was and the whole conversation lasted probably all of 20 seconds.  Knowing he is still upset managed to upset me even more, and I cried about halfway into Boulder.

Reason #2 for my nerves: This whole fucked up situation with my sister getting a speeding ticket and telling the cop she was me.  The payment for the ticket is due today.  I had ten days from the date of the letter to resolve the matter and the letter was dated January 14th.  I've been back and forth trying to decide what to do about the whole thing, and as much as I want my sister to have to spend time in jail so she can see that there really are consequences to the stupid shit she does, I can't in good conscience take her away from her kids.  It's not necessarily her time with the kids I'm concerned for, it's the time that the kids get to spend away from their dad and his parents, with whom they live.  They get a lot of really terrific stimulation at my parents house, in the form of one-on-one interaction with all of us, and they have tons of great toys and my parents are always buying them more, and they get read to, and they have educational toys as well as craft time and baking cookies and cakes.  They're not just plopped down in front of the TV or the computer all day, they're forced to interact with everyone and play, and we all fear that for simplicity's sake, they are in front of a TV or the computer a good part of their days with their dad.  The bottom line is that I care for the kids.  Which is exactly what my parents care about and that is why they're supporting my sister despite everything she's put us all through. 

I stupidly did not read the letter from the Town of Superior in it's entirety and only discovered this morning that the money that needs to be paid for the ticket must be in the form of cash or a cashier's check.  They won't accept a credit card or personal check.  This really screws with the entire situation because both of my parents are at work, and I am at work, which leaves my sister who is at home without a vehicle.  I figured that I could probably take advantage of my sister's "guilt" over the whole thing and have her figure out a way to get the money to the right place by 5pm today, and I was right.  She's taking the bus into Boulder to come and get my car, which she will use to drive over to my mom's work, get the money (probably a check she will have to cash), and take it over to the Superior Courthouse or wherever it's supposed to go.  I feel terrible that she has to take the bus to get into Boulder.  Terrible.  Like, on the verge of tears guilty awful.  Even though none of this is my fault.

Reason #3 for my nerves: My moving out has created an enormous amount of tension between me and my parents.  When I dropped off Phoenix this morning, both my parents were really excited to see him, but my dad was still really kind of cold with me.  My mom was fine.  I explained to them that I just wasn't comfortable leaving Phoenix there for 10 hours right away, which I'm not.  At the same time, I don't want to hurt Tiffany's feelings or make her feel like I don't trust her, because that's not the thing at all.  It's my knowledge of my puppy's quirks and trying to make it so he doesn't have any reason to be freaking out and possibly destroying things.  Especially after I've talked him up and showed everyone how great he is when I'm around.  But back to the tension with my parents - I don't like it and I don't know when it is going to go away.  I don't know if my dad is still mad from Saturday night, or if it's something new, or if it's my indecisiveness about what to do with the speeding ticket thing, or what.

Reason #4 for my nerves: I feel like an intruder at Tiffany's.  I don't want to be in the way, or monopolize the TV or the couch or the bathroom, and I don't want anyone to end up hating me because I was in the way (I'm talking about her kids, not Tiff.  She and I are pretty solid I think.).  I think I'll feel enormously better once I get paid next week and I can afford to buy my own food and other things, but I hate feeling like I'm living off of them right now.  I'm trying to pretend I'm just a house guest, visiting for a week, like when I stayed at Former Besty's house in Washington.  I'm just having a hard time with it.  What I do like is that even though she has kids, they're much more quiet than my nephews.  They haven't waken me up yet (I'm already awake because I can't sleep because I'm so stressed).  I feel like I have my independence, I can come and go whenever I want and not have to worry about when I'll be back or who I'll be inconveniencing by being gone.

So that's where I am today.  In my mind.  Not great.  I feel like I'm being stretched beyond my breaking point, although I have yet to break.  Crying helps - a little here and a little there - but it's not any kind of solution.  Also, I'm exhausted because I'm not sleeping well at all.  I wish I could just hit pause on life and get enough sleep and have enough down time so that I'm ready to handle whatever obstacle will inevitably come next.  That's not an option, though so I need to do the best I can to just do the best I can and that's all.  Having some extra money coming will help, but that's not for at least another week.

Ugh.  Watching Conan isn't even helping today.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Nerves of Tissue Paper

Today was an interesting day. I'd meant to go give blood this morning, time permitting, but time did not permit. I ended up spending much of the morning lazing around and watching TV. By the time Tiffany and family returned from church (from where the blood drive was occurring), I still wasn't dressed. I spent the remainder of the morning watching Dexter. I took Phoenix to the dog park so he could run out a bit of anxiety, but it was awfully cold so we only did half a round. We got home and vegged. Watched some crappy TV while everyone was gone and napped.

After everyone got home, we watched our first episode of Glee (it was fantastic) and got ready to meet EMT school friend.

Seeing him was fabulous. He's a really nice, friendly and funny guy. I had a blast catching up with him and I'm so very glad I got to see him before he leaves for Greenland. Since I'm writing on my phone, I won't include details, but I'll have more time to write at work tomorrow.

Until then...

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Dynamic Changes

So, I guess as my dad is getting older, he's also getting more emotional.  It takes less and less to overwhelm his emotions and the spill over by either him crying, or screaming.  When it's to do with my sister, it's usually screaming.  I went over to the house today to celebrate little Z's 5th birthday, and mostly everything was fine.  After the boys left, my dad had three beers.  When he drinks, he gets jovial and goofy, and very talkative.  I was sewing the head back onto one of Phoenix's favorite toys - a stuffed monkey - and I was asking my mom how to knot the end of the thread in one spot, and he asked me what I was asking her.  I told him that I didn't want his help because he was drinking and I didn't think it would be helpful.  Apparently that rubbed him the wrong way.  Then my older sister asked him if she could use the truck tonight and that set him off.  I think it was the combination of his having had some beers and the emotions he's feeling with me leaving and taking Phoenix with, and his frustration that my sister was asking to use the truck which she's been doing more and more since I got my car back, but he pretty much lost it.  My little sister and I were downstairs trying to figure out how to get my mom's iPhone updated to iOS4 when we heard him upstairs yelling and slamming things around.  My mom went up to see what was wrong and he told her that he's just tired of getting attitude from all three of his daughters.  My older sister using the truck, my being rude to him and also threatening to not bring Phoenix over anymore (because I feel like my dad sometimes won't listen to me about not giving him scraps of steak with a lot of fat on them), and I guess my little sister made some comment to him during the week about something or another that offended him.

I thought my dad and I were okay, and that it was my mom that I'd have to be wary of.  Instead, on my first day back, it was my mom that was being comforting and reassuring and my dad that was overreacting.  I feel like I've abandoned them and that they are pretty upset about it.  My mom assures me that I'm not abandoning them, and that I need to do what I need to do and go do my own thing, but either way, I left the house in tears.  So I guess my moving out did not solve all problems. 

I'm worried that by leaving a lot of my things there, my older sister will take that as a green light to go in and use or take whatever she wants because she'll assume that since I didn't take those things with me, that they're fair game.  I don't think that I'm being overdramatic about it, I just know her mentality. 

I don't know.  Right now I feel kind of all over the place.  I'm glad to be able to leave the house and not have to sit in the tension, and I'm also thrilled to be able to get Phoenix out when there's bound to be more yelling and screaming over my sister's use or misuse of the truck.  At the same time, I'm way out of my routine, I'm worried about leaving Phoenix here when I'm at work - I don't want him to totally flip out and he really will, and I know it.  I woke up today feeling more relaxed and a bit more reassured of the situation, so that's good.

This has been a horrible post.  I don't feel like going back through it and proofing it and correcting my grammar and other thoughts.  So I'm going to leave it as is.  Call it a bad night.

Friday, January 21, 2011

A Whole Different Kind of Day

Yeowza.  Today was an interesting day with quite the array of feelings.  When I went to bed last night I was very excited to be moving out on such a whim.  I woke up this morning a bit less excited and a little apprehensive.  I was able to move almost all of my stuff with minimal help from other humans (including my 100lb 27" flat-screen tube-style TV), and I'm thrilled about that.  When I did get up, my whole house was full of heightened tension.  I moved a lot of stuff out while the kids were still there, but my sister took the boys to the stock show, and after my first trip, my parents had relaxed quite nicely.  I felt very little tension after that.  I loaded up my car, and Tiffany's car, and Tiffany's husband came with his truck to help me move my mattress and desk (which is actually a baker's rack).  After that, it was unloading and unpacking.  Tiff came home from her appointment, and I was almost completely unpacked, save for what we hadn't had time to get out of her car earlier.

I ate dinner with the family (pizza, for which I am thankful that her sons like cheese pizza because that is my preference), and I hopped in the shower to get ready for the mixer we had been planning to attend.  As I was in the shower, I had an almost panic attack as the gravity of my decision became apparent.  I was concerned for Phoenix, because he seemed terribly uncomfortable and sort of anxiety-ridden, and also for myself because my major coping mechanisms lean towards being able to lose myself in TV or movies, or the internet.  Here at Tiffany's, I won't have internet or cable in my room.  I think that my panic is unfounded, because I am simply making a rather large and unusual change, but it was there nonetheless.  I got ready for the party, because I was really looking forward to it, and we took Phoenix to my parents house to stay the night because I think he would have really been quite anxiety-riddled had I left him in this unfamiliar place with people he didn't know, including a couple of kids who insist upon trying to play with him most of the time.

We went to the party.  It was being thrown as a wine-and-cheese-mixer by a person who I met back in 2008 via, and who Tiffany knows through Isagenix.  Ironically, I had no social anxiety whatsoever about the mixer itself; I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, and I was excited to be there.  I met a bunch of Isagenix people and I got to see my old "flame," and I had a blast.  Tiffany doesn't like wine, which I find ludicrous, but I had about two glasses and really enjoyed socializing with the people there.  A couple of ladies there were lesbians, with whom Mike (match guy) will be playing in a band on a Disney cruise ship in the Bahamas for like 10 weeks later this year.  They were HILARIOUS.  I kid you not, one of them said the words "And you charmed him with your magic pussy...and your periods are glitter and smell like roses."  I haven't laughed that hard in a looooooong time. 

On the way home, Tiffany and I just gabbed about the people we'd met and then listened to music.  She insists that I add that we sat in the driveway listening to a Glee rendition of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, headbanging.  Which I haven't done since high school.  My spirits are significantly lifted as of right now, and I'm going to go forward to the best of my ability taking things one day at a time.  I will obviously need to change some of my habits of TV-watching and internet-dwelling, but I think those are things I can do.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning at 9am, which I only remembered about as we were driving to Denver tonight, and I'm not sure I'm going to go.  I hate being thought of as irresponsible or unreliable, but I didn't have time to contact my therapist to reschedule and I don't have $50 to pay for the appointment right now. 

Tomorrow I'll be spending a significant amount of time with my family, to celebrate Z's 5th birthday, which is Sunday, but he goes back to his dad tomorrow night so we won't actually see him on the day itself.  My parents got him a bike, which is what he wanted.  I can't wait to see how excited he is. 

I had mentioned to Tiffany that I had a friend from EMT school who I'm friends with on facebook, and I saw a few weeks ago that he'd become single.  I sent him a message telling him that I'm working in Boulder and moving back there soon and I'd love to get a drink with him and catch up.  I didn't expect a reply for a couple of weeks at least because from what I can tell he doesn't use facebook much.  However, I awakened this morning to a reply, saying he'd been thinking about me too, and would love to get a drink to catch up before he goes to GREENLAND in a week and a half.  So I will be seeing him on Sunday evening and I'm very excited - I'm thrilled to see him again.  He made me laugh, and he's really smart.  He was one of my favorite people from EMT school. 

So now it's almost midnight and I need to get to bed so I can make some decisions about tomorrow, and I still have a few things to unload and unpack.  I'm still very wary of this decision I've made, but I'm going to try to look at it from one very separate moment to one hour to one day at a time.  I hope that Phoenix can get used to this whole new situation, because he will be forced to adapt to new places and new situations for the next few years.  I just hope that I can make him understand that as long as he's with me, he will be okay.  I also hope that I can understand that myself.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Beginning

I'm feeling pretty great today.  It's as though I'm finally feeling this monstrous weight starting to lift from my shoulders.  I'm scared shitless but it's a good scared.  It's the scared that I need to be feeling at this point in my life.  I'm staring out over this huge precipice that's before me, with all this possibility and opportunity in it, and it's deep and unknown and it's wonderful.

I was late to work today, for the first time.  Apparently the snow yesterday really overwhelmed Colorado's Department of Transportation because not only have I heard stories of it taking people hours to get home from work yesterday when the normal commute is maximum thirty minutes, but it took me an hour and a half to get in to work today.  There was only one accident that I saw although the radio reported two accidents.  For the first hour, I went 10 miles per hour.  Which is about right.  It's like 10 miles from my house to the Boulder area.  Anyway, it was ridiculous.  It makes me wonder if like the DOT wasn't privy to the weather forecasts because it seemed as though the roads were not plowed, graveled or salted.  I'm no expert, but judging from the amounts of snow and ice on every single road, that's what it looked like.  Anyway, I'm beyond thrilled I have my own car back, because that little tank is so great in the snow.  She's no four-wheeler, but she's got my back.  And my butt, my head, and the rest of my vital parts.  I feel so much more comfortable driving that car than my dad's truck.  Sheesh.

So right now, I'm just looking for places to live.  I have a place for the time-being, but I am going to need a permanent situation, and I already have a few prospects.  Unfortunately, I am a comparer.  I compare everything to everything else.  I'll forever compare every experience of living on my own with every previous experience I've had living on my own - with roommates, of course.  I'm not rich.  I can't live by myself yet.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend.  I'm moving the rest of my stuff tomorrow to Tiffany's house, where I will be living for the next few weeks whilst I find more permanent lodgings.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the heck out of the time I get to spend with Tiffany.

I'm definitely worried about Phoenix.  He's a pretty high-strung guy, and if I try to leave him at a new place without sort of practicing with him first, he'll go nuts.  I don't have the money to be fixing windows and fences and other things, so I will have to put in some time with him showing him that it's okay for him to stay somewhere while I'm gone.  The next couple of months will be tumultuous for him, but I'm hoping that it will sort of season him to the act of moving from place to place because that is more than likely what will be happening for us for the next decade or so.  I have no plans on being anything close to sedentary for quite a long time.

Anyway.  It was nice not to feel super stressed out for a change.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Big Decision

Oh today was a long day.  I did get up and move a couple of boxes to my future home, and I did break the news to my mom and my sister.  They're not thrilled, although I did not expect them to be.  My mom's response was that I should have discussed it with them before deciding.  When I said I was going to go stay there while I saved up money to get a place of my own (with or without roommates), she said I could stay here.  Which is not what she said the other day.  My dad knows, although I didn't tell him, and he didn't say a word about it to me.

It was about the reaction I expected.  I am terribly nervous to be doing something so spur of the moment, because I'm quite a rational person for the most part, and I don't often do things without thinking about them ad nauseum.  However, I think it's probably good for me to be doing something like this.  I think it will really help with the fear that I feel for making any big changes in my life.  It's a step, if nothing else.

I did get to talk to Kara on the phone for a long time today, and her husband, and that made me feel good.  Talking to Kara always makes me feel good, no matter how shitty I feel before I get on the phone with her.  I think everyone should have someone like that in their lives.

I only moved a few things today and I'm glad for it, because if I'd planned to move anything more I'd have been caught in the snowstorm that hit today.  So I'll work tomorrow, pack up tomorrow night and move the rest on Friday!  And so begins the rest of my life!  It's crazy how it's working out and I'm honestly pretty satisfied.  Prepare for some new blogs about the joys of living in an entirely different situation, with a whole new family (I'm being adopted into a family of four), and living with a roommate who for the first time I'd known since before moving in and who will bring out the super-girly in me.  Should be interesting!!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Watch Beth Get Screwed!!

Sweet Baby Jesus.  Last night was awful.  I went home with the expectation that I'd tell my parents that I'd decided not to take any action against my sister, but they were all worked up already by the time I got home because my sister had seen a lawyer yesterday who'd told her he could get her cleared without jail time if she retained him, so she asked them for money.

I, in turn, admonished them for even considering to put any money towards this, which only further enraged them.  I can't tell you how many times my dad literally screamed.

After all the hullabaloo, my sister came into my room to talk to me (I'm assuming it was an attempt to sweet-talk me), but it turned into an insult-slinging match to see who could possibly insult the other person more.  I'm not sure who won, but I was able to say out loud, to her face, some of the things I've been thinking.  Anyway, it ended with me telling her that she has no clue what people think of her because they read my blog (I don't know how many people actually do, or how many care) so they know how she really is.  This really upset her.  She told my parents that I'd been writing about her "criminal activities" on my blog, and I was near-simultaneously screamed (and I'm not kidding when I say screamed) at by both my parents.  My mom said that I needed to get out of the house if I was going to continue to put the details of her private life out on the internet for the world to see.  I told her I would not be removing anything I had already written, including this new escapade my sister has pulled, to which she responded that I was not to write about anything that went on in our house.  If I wrote about anything that happened in our family, I'd no longer have a place to live.

I took that to mean that my choices are to a.) stop blogging - because I can't use this blog as a therapeutic tool if I can't write about my family dynamics which are a major part of my mental illness as well as my every day interactions with the mentally ill, or 2.) move out.  I am choosing to move out.  As of this coming Saturday, I will be staying with at a friend's house until I can find a place of my own.  I can stay there for about a month, and if I haven't found a place of my own by then, I can move on to another friend's house to stay for a little while.  I cannot seem to work up the courage to talk to my boss and ask her what my options might be for living in an apartment that is leased by the company I work for, but perhaps I will do it tomorrow when I am not strapped to the desk.

I'm very disappointed by my parents reactions.  Both to the steps my sister will be taking and to the fact that I made the choice when I started blogging to abandon all pretense that my home life is terrific and write truthfully.  I'm upset because what I've done doesn't seem nearly as catastrophic as what my sister has done, and yet they're willing to toss me out on my ass because I don't have kids.  They'll cover my sister's ass, rescue her from the shitstorm she's brought upon herself, and continue to pay for everything for her, simply because she has kids.

That's all I am going to write for today.  I just can't really grasp all that's going on at this time because it's so ass-backwards.  Bottom line though, is that I refuse to be censored.  I'm getting fucked every way from Sunday here, and I'm going to express my opinions about it.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Untangling the Confusion

I feel all over the place today.   I woke up this morning with indifference, but thinking on the way to work today brought me to the conclusion that I cannot take action towards getting my sister's ticket off of my driving record because it will mean my and my parents loss of her kids.  Regardless of how stressful and sometimes heartbreaking and overall confounding their inconsistent presence in our lives is, I love them too much to risk not being able to see them and be a part of their upbringing.  I made the decision right as I got into work this morning, resulting in my slamming things around unnecessarily - and thank goodness it was so early and no one was here to hear that.  I slam things when I'm mad.  It's one of the thing my past significant others thought was a major issue.

My decision does not take away from my anger over the entire situation.  I'm looking at it like this: As much as I would like to get a job as an EMT, I can't right now.  I might be able to at some point later on.  But right now, my job (from my understanding of it) will allow the flexibility of time for me to attend school.  I'm paid better at this job than I would probably be paid working for an ambulance company.  And this job gives me the freedom to spend all day studying if that's what needs to occur.

I'm still furious over my sister's taking advantage of me and my parents.  I'm furious that she seems to think that she shouldn't have to face the consequences that result from her bad behavior.  I'm furious that she will walk away from this whole thing and suffer no punishment whatsoever.  I wish there were some way to make her pay for doing this without her having to spend time in jail.  But I don't see that there is.

Last night was mostly the beginning of the confusion of my feelings.  Every time I watch a major awards show, it makes me want to just up and move to Los Angeles and try my hand at acting.  It makes me feel all sorts of weird feelings - fear being the biggest obstacle - but it just drums up all the dreams and wishes I have about acting or being in the movie business.  I love it so much, I feel such passion for it, such fascination for it, that I don't know any other way to alleviate it but to go out and do it.  It's like having an itch in the middle of your back that you can't reach.  It's rather irritating.

I also felt a twinge of jealousy when I talked with Tiffany briefly today.  I had meant to ask her if she had spoken to Odd Guy (formerly known as New Guy)(name still under construction) lately, and she mentioned that she had before I'd even had a chance to ask her.  I haven't heard a word from him.  I did genuinely like his company and I'd hoped that we could actually be friends, but I must have really made him think negatively about me or I'd like to think that he'd have checked in with me or something. 

While I feel disappointment about this, it's pretty much just disappointment, there are no other feelings.  I don't think.  At least that I can't identify at this point.  I'm relieved to discover this.  We'll see if that changes later on down the road.

I'm getting very, very excited about the prospect of going back to school.  I researched as much as I could the information about tuition, fees, student loans and grants.  I feel very informed.  I'll need to sit down and ask my boss what my options are for changing my work schedule to accommodate a school schedule.  I know for a fact that the people who've held this same position in the past have been students, so I'm fairly sure that she'll be obliging.  I'm just a bit nervous about paying for school, and also finishing school.  I'm terrified that once I do have my degree that I will not be able to work in a high-enough paying job to support myself comfortably.  I'd like to be able to get a job that pays no less than $60,000 a year, but Anthropology isn't exactly a degree that will afford me much use in any high-paying career field.  I'm still very interested in going to graduate school, although I think what I'd like to do is figure out a way to get a degree in Criminology as well as perhaps one in Integrated Physiology or some similar field in which medicine is the main goal.  In order to obtain these degrees, I'm going to have to put a lot of work and a lot of time into school, but since I've been out of it for so long, and I'm so excited to go back, I don't think that will be too much of a problem.  I am definitely nervous, though.  I just want it so badly.

I need to settle down.  I'm worked up at the moment, and that's not good.  When I feel this way, I tend to project into the future, which usually makes me feel overwhelmed and frantic and out of control.  If I can push away those feelings for the time-being and just let everything play out the way it is meant to, I know it will work out for the best.  This will be a good test for me.  School has a pattern of really messing with my mental health, and I'd very much like to be in the best possible place to start with so that I don't have anywhere to go but up.

Oh yeah.  And there's a Student EMS club at CU which I plan to join for some experience and to make new friends.  What can it hurt?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Golden Globes Night!!!!

I think it's real.  I think my life has changed.  I'm not sure if it is just that my attitude has changed, or my outlook on life (I don't think it's my outlook - I've always been a positive person for the most part).  Things (despite yesterday's events) are going very well for me.  I went shopping today to get some new pants for work, and I was talked into applying for a Kohl's charge card, and was approved.  I've applied for it a few other times before, but I've always been declined.  I was literally shocked when the lady told me that I'd been approved.  I didn't think I'd be.  She made a good argument for why I should go ahead and apply, too.  She said that she uses her card for purchases and then immediately goes and pays the balance before she leaves the store.  That sounds like something I could do.  I hope that I can responsibly use the card that way.  The credit limit is only $300, and I'd really like to keep it low so that I'm not tempted to spend money I don't have.  I think I'll be okay.

What this means to me is that my credit situation has actually begun to resolve itself.  I paid off all the medical bills I'd had that had gone to collections with my tax return from last year, and it's the best decision I've ever made.  I've been extremely responsible with my money over the course of the last year, considering my financial history (and not counting like a zillion overdraft fees), and it's beginning to pay off.  I can hardly believe it.

I feel at ease with my financial situation for the first time since I found out that I had a ridiculous debt at CU.  I know that it was not ultimately my money that made that one go away, but I'm thankful that my dad made it a priority.  If there was anything I'd have asked of my parents, it would have been for them to pay my CU debt off so that I could return to school and finish my degree and get on with my life.  I can't begin to thank them enough.

Okay.  The Golden Globes are on tonight, and I forced my family to watch them during dinner, and I would really like to give them my full attention now.  I dreamed last night that my job (my actual job in real life) allowed me to go to both the Golden Globes and the Oscars and I felt very excited but also very satisfied.  It was as though my every wish had been fulfilled and I could stop wishing for things.  It was a terribly interesting feeling that I'd love to replicate in my waking life.  I know that I'm getting closer to that but I also know that I have a lot of work to do.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Again, Yet Brand New

So.  I went out to put my netflix DVDs in the mailbox, and retrieved the mail from inside it.  I found a letter to me from the Town of Superior.  Intrigued, I opened it to find a letter, addressed to me, stating that since I had not paid the citation for infraction #whatever, I was at risk of having my license suspended or canceled.  Said traffic infraction occurred on December 15.  I went inside and looked at the calendar to see what day of the week the 15th was, and it was a Wednesday, so I was off work.  I supposed it was possible that I'd gotten caught speeding by a traffic camera (although I'm not sure Superior uses those), and that the notification had been put in my parents "bill box" which would explain how I hadn't seen the notification.  But the more I thought about it, the more certain I was that I haven't been in the Superior or Louisville area since the end of November at least.  So for a moment I decided I'd just call the phone number given by the notification on Monday to try to sort out the mix-up.  I thought maybe my driving record had some how been mixed up with someone else's, because of having my purse stolen back in October.  I'm not sure what exactly prompted me to ask my sister if there was a possibility that she had been pulled over and told the police she was me (as she had once asked if she could do when she was driving to Colorado Springs, where there is a warrant out for her arrest), but I went downstairs and presented her with the notice, and asked her if that is what happened. 

Turns out, yes, she was pulled over in Superior last month, and being without a license (it has been revoked for unpaid tickets), she told the police officer that she didn't have her license on her, that she was in fact ME, and gave the officer my social security number.  Unfortunately, our social security numbers are only one digit different, so she and I know each other's numbers.  Then she "didn't know how" to tell us about the ticket and the situation, so now my license is in fact in danger of being suspended or canceled due to non-payment of the citation my sister received.

I can't say for certain, but this may be the most angry I've ever been with my sister.  I was literally shaking I was so angry.  At first she refused to give me back the notice I had handed to her (so she could read it), saying that she wouldn't give it back unless I promised not to tell our parents.  I was eventually able to rip it out of her hands, not tearing any of the important stuff.  Our parents had left to run an errand, and my little sister had gone out shopping, so it was just the two of us at home.  She begged me and begged me not to tell our parents, and I flat-out refused.  I told her that she needs to face the consequences of her actions, which in this case will probably mean spending some amount of time in jail.  See, it wasn't just that she was driving without a license.  She's got a warrant out for her arrest in Colorado Springs, and she's got several unpaid parking and speeding tickets on her record from Greeley to Colorado Springs and everywhere in between.  She's also been placed on probation stemming from the domestic violence charge (which has apparently been taken down to a harassment charge), and will be looking at jail time for not staying out of trouble.  She said the reason she didn't tell the cop the truth was because she didn't want to go to jail because it will mean losing any decision-making rights as well as visitation time she has with her kids.  I told her that she was shit out of luck as far as I was concerned, because now she's dragged me and my driving record into the whole thing.  The last speeding ticket I got was last March, which caused me to have my license canceled, and as I wrote before, I just had it reinstated in November.

The reason I wasn't offered a job working for Rural Metro Ambulance company is because I have more than one speeding ticket on my driving record.  I have since stopped speeding almost altogether.  I generally keep up with traffic, but I very rarely go more than 5 MPH over the speed limit.  My plan is to keep my record clean for awhile, and then apply for more EMT jobs.  Now this.  Now I have another speeding ticket on my record, which isn't actually mine.

I'm furious because my sister is consistently deceptive and because she lies.  She seems to think that if she just ignores a problem, it will go away.  That if she lies and covers up a problem, there will be no consequences.  That's why she was so angry with me when I refused to lie for her (now) ex-husband after he went over and beat the shit out of my friend from school, who later pressed charges.  Apparently I got all the honesty that was supposed to have been split between the two of us.  It was impressed upon me very early on about how lying is wrong, and that when you lie, you get in trouble.  That has always stuck with me.  I'm not saying I'm completely perfect, I lie from time to time, but in general, I am honest as shit because I know that even if you do something wrong (which is actually fairly difficult to do), it's better to tell the truth about it, because it will build character, allowing you to make the right choice the next time because you've seen what happens when you make the wrong choice.  I find it a very simple test of honor: do the right thing.  Be commended for doing the right thing.  Do the wrong thing.  Lie in an attempt to cover up doing the wrong thing.  Get caught.  Be punished for lying and for doing the wrong thing. 

I simply cannot comprehend how she could possibly think that no one would find out that she had done this.  I consider it extremely lucky that I was the one who received the mail today because if she had seen the notice before me, she would have taken it and hid it.  Guaranteed.  And my license would have been canceled, and if I were to be pulled over for whatever reason again, I would be at risk for being arrested for the unpaid ticket. 

I absolutely refuse to allow her to get away with this.  She got on her knees, crying, sobbing, begging me not to tell anyone or attempt to do anything to change it.  I looked her in the eyes, and told her that there was no way that I was taking the fall for her on this one.  Not only does she drive around without a license, but she does it carelessly, and now she's been caught.  She will be forced to face the consequences.  She was lucky when she crashed her van that she wasn't pulled over or caught then, because she'd certainly have been jailed for DUI as well as her warrant in Colorado Springs.

My dad wants me to wait to take any action until he's talked with an attorney about what her consequences will be when I do notify the Superior police of what actually happened.  I told him that he's got a very short expiration date of when he can talk to the attorney to get the information because I will not allow the 10 days I've been given to rectify the ticket to pass without taking action.  It's going to be hard as hell to prove that I was not actually the one driving and that I was not the one who was pulled over, but I'm prepared to fight tooth and nail to have that taken off my record.  The problem is that my sister will almost certainly be forced to spend some amount of time in jail; not only for lying to the cop about the license, but technically because she stole my identity.  I'm not sure what the charges are that she may face for lying to the police officer, but I can press identity theft charges if I want to which I'm fairly certain is a very punishable felony.

My sister has said that she will not go to jail.  She keeps saying that she's going to kill herself.  My little sister told her that if she kept threatening suicide, that we'd call the police on her because she's a danger to herself and she can just go to jail now, instead of doing it in a more organized fashion.  She doesn't want my dad to talk to the attorney because she doesn't want anyone else to know what has happened.  She offered me half of her salary (if and when she gets a job, ha ha) if I wouldn't tell.  I told her no.  I told her repeatedly today that she has no choice but to take responsibility for her actions.

When I told my dad what happened, he screamed at her.  His main question was "Why the hell were you speeding in the first place?!?!?"  She thinks she will go to jail for 18 months; this is the consequence that she has been told she will face if she got into trouble while on probation.  Now I think that a traffic infraction may not count against her necessarily, because her probation was for the DV/harassment charge, but the law works in funny ways.  Either way, she will have to go to jail to satisfy her arrest warrant in Colorado Springs.  I'm fairly certain that there is no way out of this for her that does not involve her spending time in jail.  I don't however, expect her to have to spend 18 months there.  It might be 17 months. 

My mom, my little sister, and I all feel that she needs to suffer the consequences of the choices that she's made.  It's absolutely not fair for her to drag me into this, and now it's even worse because I have to go try to explain to the courts that the ticket should be expunged from my record altogether, while I have no proof at all whatsoever that it was not me doing the driving.  The problem with the consequences is that we will once again have the kids taken away from us.  It's possible I think, to petition the court for family visitation time while she's in jail, but it doesn't mean they will grant it.  It means more time that she will be forced to spend away from her children, especially baby S.  While it breaks my heart to think that they will once again have no contact with their mom for some extended period of time, it's probably for the better that it happens this way.  When they grow up to hate her (they will at some point, we all hate our parents at one time or another), they can hate her with the knowledge that their hate isn't unfounded, that she's really not a good person after all.  Perhaps the time away from her mom will be better in the long run for baby S, and she won't turn out as badly as if she had spent all this time with her mom.  It's been made quite apparent to me that early childhood has so very much to do with how we turn out, and I'd hate to see the kids all turn out funny because they've had to go through all of this.

My little sister made a good point.  Jail will be beneficial for our older sister because there, she will be forced to maintain a normal sleep schedule.  She will no longer be able to get high 5-6 times a day.  She will be forced to see a new psychiatrist, who will perhaps take her off the Seroquel she's on that's not helping her do anything but sleep through her baby crying and her alarm clock.  If she goes to jail on criminal charges, which I suspect she will, she will be given a court-appointed attorney, to the end that my parents will not have to take responsibility for paying that attorney.  She will be forced to bear the responsibility of the actions which have caused her to end up where she is.

We had planned to go to the Olive Garden for dinner tonight, all five of us.  My uncle and aunt sent my dad gift cards for the Olive Garden after he was able to use his travel points to get our entire extended family rooms at a nice hotel when we went to Iowa over the summer.  We decided to still go, and my dad sort of forced my sister to go, which made dinner terribly awkward.  She just sat there as though she'd been sedated the entire time, and we couldn't really laugh and have fun.  I advocated for her to go, too, even after the discovery of all this.

Even now, as I sit here and write all of this, she's stopped and asked me not to post this online.  I told her I'd take it into consideration, but it's far too influential for me not to write about it.  This is, after all, a blog about my struggle with mental illness, apparently not just my own.  She asked me if I knew how many lives I was destroying by going through with what I'm doing.  I said yes, I do.  She said that Mom and Dad will just end up having to pay for all this.  I said, no, they won't, there's a plan.  She then stops and whispers to me, "It's okay, I have a plan, too."  And then she told me "Just so you know,  you're the one who's pushed me over the edge."  I'm not sure what to do with that.  She could be threatening suicide, although my parents both doubt it because she loves herself far too much to actually go through with it.  She could be threatening my dog, to which I take great offense, and if I discover that to be the case I will not hesitate to call the police immediately.  She could be threatening just about anything, although my only real fear is for my dog.  I told my parents that I believe that she would attempt suicide, not because she wants to die, but to get out of the trouble she's gotten herself in.

The more I think about it, the more angry I get that she's making threats like that to me at all.  If she had done something like this to a stranger, no doubt she'd be forced to face the consequences.  If a stranger had done this to me, guaranteed I'd use the full force of the law to make sure that it is rectified.  At this point, after all the shit she has put me, my little sister, and my parents through, she deserves to spend some time in jail.  If nothing else, perhaps it will be slightly rehabilitative for her.  I told my mom that there are two possible outcomes: she will either discover that there are really shitty consequences for stupid choices and decide to change, or she will still believe that she was the one who was wronged, and just continue to act as she has always acted.

Either way, I will not take responsibility for her blatant stupidity and her deception.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Whoa. Just Whoa.

What a good day today ended up being!  I got my own car back.  I paid off my CU debt.  Two humongous weights have been lifted from my shoulders.  I spend much of the day running around - I had to go to the bank to get cash to pay for my car (I paid $770, my dad paid $150), then we went to get the car.  On the way there, my dad informed me that there was a chance that my car's registration wasn't current so I might have to go down to Arvada to pay it, which I did.  Then I got my oil changed (another f-ing $60 on the car), then I went to CU to give them the check from my dad.  I also dropped off my readmission application while I was there. 

I got home and felt weightless.  I find it very hard to describe in words how different I feel without that hanging over my head.  I was struggling to make $50 payments each month to CU, with half of each payment going towards the interest on the debt itself (roughly 10%).  With my job I could afford to make higher payments but hadn't had a chance yet since I was saving up to pay for my car which was a more immediate necessity. 

I woke up in a much better mood today than I ended the day yesterday in, which was also really nice.  I hate the days when my patience gets low with the kids and I end up snapping at them.  They don't need more than one person taking their shortcomings out on them every day, and they already have that from their mom.

This may, in fact, be the first blog that I've written slightly tipsy.  I had a beer, a shot of brandy, and then a couple of mimosas to celebrate.  My sister had a guy over to help take the radiator out of her van (codename: Bubba), and he stayed for dinner.  He's a redneck, but he's perfectly nice.  My dad got pretty drunk by sitting around and talking with him after working on the van.  The overall mood of the house is calm, albeit slightly giddy.  It's a really nice change.  I'm planning to get ready for bed and get in and snuggle with Phoenix while we watch crappy TV or a movie.  My idea of the perfect end to a great day.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I have been feeling very procrastinatory lately.  I think I might have made that word up.  But regardless, it's true.  I have lots of things that need doing, but I'm simply avoiding them all to the best of my ability.  I'm not working on writing the book I want to write; I'm not even starting to get it organized.  I haven't cleaned up the pile of papers that's sitting on my bookshelf that needs to be gone through and filed.  I haven't written the thank-you notes I need to write for the gifts I received for Christmas from people from the office.  I need to reply to an email I received from a good friend over a week ago.

I don't know why I'm just not doing these things.  None of them are like life-altering, earth-shattering things that once I do them my life will be different.  Instead, I want to read my book and play with the kids and sleep and talk on the phone.  I feel like I'm mildly shirking some responsibility by not doing these regular things that will help me feel some control and some organization in my life.  I'm usually okay with doing things that will help me feel less stressed and more in control.  I feel nothing but frustration for my sister when I realize that something that she's simply not done is adversely affecting my life, but that's what I'm doing!  I'm not doing!

At the same time, I'm not feeling any more or loss out-of-control because I'm not doing.  I guess that's okay, right?  I just don't like things to pile up because then I feel overwhelmed, and when I get overwhelmed I get upset, and when I get upset I feel like I can't control anything.

I feel desperation.  The more days that go by that I don't meet my future husband, the more desperate I feel.  I'm trying very hard to not allow it to get to me, and some days are better than others, but there's always some sense of desperation in the depths of my soul.  I have just about everything I want: I have great friends who care very deeply about me.  I have wonderful parents without whose support I'd probably have killed myself long ago.  I have a beautiful, smart, and funny dog who loves me unconditionally.  I have a (nice) roof over my head, food to eat, clean water with which to bathe in and to drink.  I have a job that I don't hate, and money to spend on things that I need.  Obviously I'd like to be able to successfully support myself and my dog with little to no financial input from my parents.  And realistically that's not too far off.  I am reasonably certain that I will be able to go back to school starting this summer.  I really can't ask for too much more.

Oh, terrific.  So.  This morning, I gave in to a moment of weakness.  In my desperation, I texted The Ex.  Aaron.  I asked him if he would come and see me before he went to Washington to start his new job there.  He responded with a lengthy text that basically said that while he didn't want to take away my incentive to move out of my parents house (as though he were my only incentive = VOMIT), but he was using his leave to travel with his girlfriend and it wouldn't be a good idea for them to stop by. 

OH MY GOD.  First of all, I want to kick myself in the face until I'm unconscious for texting him in the first place.  I didn't know what I was expecting to get out of it, but it sure wasn't that.  I immediately started crying.  At work.  My first reaction is - he has a girlfriend.  It's entirely possible that he's only said it to hurt me, but I know him well enough to know that he often has girlfriends.  He hates himself too much to be alone.  Then my next immediate response is to question myself: why can a horrible piece of shit person like him manage to find someone, when I cannot?  He's horrible!  He's one of the most selfish people I've ever met in my life (and I know my sister).  Obviously a lot of how I'm reacting is from being hurt.  I'm trying very hard to validate myself by insulting him.  That's what humans often do when they get hurt.  And hurt I am.  And angry.  I'm angry at him for going out of his way to upset me.  I'm angry at myself for allowing my weakness to get the best of me.  I'm angry that he can still upset me so.  I'm angry that I allow him to upset me so.

When I was having a discussion with New Guy the other day (an alias I'm going to need to change, because he's no longer "new" to me, and that's an alias which I bestowed upon him with endearment, and I no longer find him endearing), I told him how I'm learning how to control my emotions instead of letting them control me, and he made a good point.  I was tearing up because I was upset, and I explained to him that when I get upset, it's not always necessarily a bad thing.  When I cry, it's often just the overflowing of my emotions out my eyeballs.  He asked me that if I can control how I feel about becoming upset, why can't I control the amount of emotions I keep inside of me to the point of them overflowing out of my tear ducts?  When I was just taking a moment away from my desk to try to compose myself, I thought of that, and thinking about being in control of my emotions enough to not cry actually helped me to stop crying.  The urge to cry is still very near to the surface of my being at the moment, and it's only by grace of professionalism that I'm trying not to allow the tears to spill over into concrete being.  I am certain that I will go home and fall apart, quietly or not is of no importance.  I would just like to allow myself to feel sad, and become comfortable with being sad for a little while in order to let it pass.  It's very similar to grief, my need to get comfortable with the emotions that I feel. 

I had a past therapist explain to me that I need to "sit with" my discomfort in order to process it correctly.  If I can sit with the discomfort and thoroughly process it, I won't be carrying it around with me in the form of the Depression that so often cripples me.  And so that is my plan - to find comfort in the discomfort that the knowledge of my ex-boyfriend's life brings me.

Meanwhile, I have no idea how to come to terms with the frustration that is saturating me over my singlehood.  Everyone I've talked to about it has said the same thing: I am a great catch, any man would be lucky to have me, and that I will find that person when the time is right.  Those things are very nice to hear, but not very helpful, I'm afraid.  The future is uncertain.  There is no guarantee that I will find a mate the way so many of my high school classmates and soccer teammates have.  I wonder if it is not too late already; that if it were going to happen, it would have happened already.  How do I get out of my own way and allow myself to be happy despite my aloneness?  How do others do it?  Am I unhappy because I have experienced the joy of companionship and the possibility of marriage?  Would I be more satisfied with myself if I had never experienced the wonder of being loved?

When will this stop hurting?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Not a Real Post

I don't have anything of note to write about today, and I fell asleep after dinner and just woke up so I'm feeling majorly out of sorts.  Oh yeah.  I did take Z and H to get frogs of their own today.  That was cool.  So tired.  Phoenix got me up around 5am acting all weird, and thank goodness I was able to get back to sleep because I didn't have to work today.  My sister spent just about all day yelling "Go to timeout!" at the boys, but I was anticipating that.  So I'm going to grab my pup and go back to bed. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A (Thankfully) Regular Day

It might have been that we'd only had the kids over for like 4 hours, but I was astonished by my sister's seemingly limitless patience with her kids last night.  There was virtually no yelling.  It may have also been the lack of organization with which we had dinner last night, too.  No stress, no huge mess to clean up afterward, and sort of a fend-for-yourself kind of night.  It was very refreshing.  I didn't feel the tension of chaos that normally permeates the house when the kids are there.

I was awakened around 2am to H opening my door, and when I pretended I didn't hear him, he laid down in the hall, making random sighing noises.  When I decided he probably needed something and got up, I found him butt-naked and saying that he needed new pajamas.  No pull-up last night.  I wonder if it's normal to be wetting the bed every night at 3 years and 10 months, or if he is really having trouble adjusting to the new living arrangements.  I got him in a pull-up and dry jammies and tucked him back into bed, where he proceeded to make huffing and sniffling noises of feigned tears because I wouldn't let him come sleep in my bed with me.  I love it dearly when he comes in to "snuggle" me, but I think I need to set some boundaries with the kiddos.  It's probably not good that they rarely last a whole night in their own beds, but then again they are still very young.

Last night was very fun, though.  I taught them the word "epidermis," which they started using with great relish by telling everyone where their epidermis was and where it was showing.  I just love watching them grow and learn.  Z is able to say both his addresses and spell both his and H's names out.  It's glorious.  It's like Z has discovered that learning is a challenge, but it's an exciting challenge that he is more than willing to explore.  For someone who enjoys learning as much as I do, it's marvelous to see a child (almost MY child) excited about it too.

I started the day out in a real cranky mood.  I hate Tuesdays and here's why: Mondays are okay because you're still coming down from the weekend.  By Wednesday you can say you're halfway through the week.  But on Tuesday, you have little recollection of the weekend, and there's still four whole days left until the weekend.  Tuesdays SUCK.  I came into the office to some strange alarm going off in the office that's right next to the front desk.  The extreme cold does something to the doors in my building and so the alarm goes off at the drop of a hat, so as soon as someone came in after me, the alarm went off.  I was worried that that would set the tone for the day, but ultimately it did not, thank God.  Over the course of the day I felt more and more cheery, and I'm not sure why.  I think I've given up the ghost, so to speak.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I Sort of Wish I Had a Delorean

The constant thoughts in my brain about relationships is bordering on obsession.  I have thought about virtually nothing else since yesterday.  I made myself a new profile on a free dating site that I've used previously with some success.  I refuse to divulge which site this is.  If nothing else, I'll be using it as a temporary ego-boost.  I've been thinking seriously about giving Eharmony a try, but if I want to do it, I will have to wait until I can afford to spend the ridiculous amount of money it costs.  I'll probably wait until they do a "free communication 10-day" thingy and then pay for it.  Or something.  I think I need to feel like I am doing something about the odd frustration that I've developed with not being in a relationship.

I have a headache, too.  I feel like it's coming out my ears.  I only have a couple of hours of work left, thank GOD.  I decided to ask my dad to drive me to work this morning so I didn't have to take the "truck" in the snow and ice.  I'm getting a ride home from my mom, so there's a small possibility I can just sit there with my eyes closed on the way home.  Then it's chaos - the kids and dogs will be there when we get home.  Having four days off was just enough time to recuperate from having them around I think.

I'm within a couple of weeks of the day I wanted to start doing training to prepare for the Tough Mudder.  I haven't officially signed up yet, but I do want to be able to do it if I get the opportunity.  I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for spending a lengthy amount of time at the gym, which I generally dislike.  The website says that 4 days a week on a specific regimen is a good way to get prepared.  I think that if I were able to stick to a workout schedule that I come up with for myself, I would be at my optimal weight and I'd be in decent cardiovascular shape.  I've been doing this blog long enough (this is post #100!!) that I feel like I've made major steps towards completing something I set out to do.  It's a feeling of fulfilled responsibility, and I like it.  I also have not called in sick to work or attempted to change my schedule in any way since I started.  I think in any other job by now, I'd have made some kind of attempt towards doing something like that.  So I feel proud that I have managed to keep the image of dependability I've created for myself at this job.  I wonder how much longer I can keep that up.  I'd like it to be nearly indefinitely.  If I can maintain it, it will be one more obligation in my life I can fulfill, and so I can add this job to the list of things I've done that I set out to do.  I haven't had a single day where I've waken up on a morning I was supposed to work and didn't get up.  I've got a responsibility to be here, and so I've been here.  I've only been employed by this place for about 7 weeks, but it's a lot longer than I lasted at a couple of the other jobs I've worked.  Right now the schedule works well for where I am mentally, and even though I don't get lunch breaks, no day has felt so ridiculously long that I thought I couldn't stand it.  It must be because I'm allowed to pretty much do whatever I want while I'm at work.  I read, watch movies and TV shows I may have missed.  I write, and I try to organize my thoughts.

I'm trying to imagine what I might feel like if I tried to force myself to go to the gym tonight.  I don't want to go.  Mostly because I already have a headache and running on the treadmill the first few times to get back into shape always gives me a headache.  I just want to lie down and close my eyes.  Sleeping would be okay, too.  I am frustrated because I didn't sleep very well last night.  Which I pretty much hate above all other things (besides getting pruney after being in the water too long).  But I do feel like I'm making progress.  That's the bottom line.  Maybe by post #200, I'll have made twice as much progress.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Still Confused, But Not As Much

I woke up to snow this morning, so I went back to bed.  I'm not kidding.  I stayed in bed til 12:30.  Then I got up and started baking and cooking.  A batch of cornbread and then dinner - sweet and sour pork, which I didn't screw up!  I used a recipe but I had to improvise a bit because I didn't have all the ingredients.  Not too shabs. 

I felt sad and alone all day.  I felt badly about how I left things with New Guy, and I worry that I may have hurt his feelings.  I texted him an apology but didn't hear back for 7 hours.  Even if things don't go anywhere romantically, I'd still really like to be friends with him. 

I don't have much to write about today because I didn't talk to anyone or do anything special.  I read for a couple of hours, and I really began to feel empty because I have no boyfriend.  I love LOVE love these books, but the more I read about the deep connection between the characters (which although it's fiction I know it's something that can be found in reality), the more I mourn the fact that I don't have it and worry that I will never find it again.

That's about it, though.  I've been having lots of crazy dreams lately, mostly in which I'm looking for something that I've lost.  Mostly it's some mundane object with no special purpose, but I always get very frustrated in the dream because I'm looking so hard but unable to find it.  It's very obvious to me what this means: that I'm looking for something in life that's actually very important to me but I'm still unable to find it.  DUH.  Seriously, I thought dreams were supposed to be more difficult to decipher.  But there were a couple of weeks there where I wasn't remembering specifics about my dreams and it began to worry me.  I don't like being unable to remember my dreams because I feel like remembering my dreams is something that is unique to me and me alone.  I feel a better connection with my subconscious because I think that I really attempt to work through some of my waking problems when I'm dreaming.  So I'm glad my dreaming is back to normal.

It snowed today, and is supposed to continue snowing overnight.  That means the drive to work should be exceptionally fun.  I've never missed my own car so much.  She handles very well in the snow - BUT - this is the week I should be getting her back, so YAY!!!!

Trying to think positive thoughts for this week:  Pay off CU.  Apply to go back to school.  Hopefully be accepted.  Get possession of my vehicle.  Enjoy beginning signs of independence.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Very Confused

After having done a considerable amount of dating (and relationshipping, if you can call whatever I had with Aaron that), I find myself really looking back at the time I had with Brian.  Anytime I hear a song from the CD he made me in our first months of dating, I remember how things developed between us, and I haven't experienced anything like that since then.  That really upsets me.  It felt so easy and so natural and so wonderful.  It was like there was an equal amount of interest and lust and feeling there between us - so much so that we used to argue who was more excited to see the other person.  We'd make plans to spend every day together and we both wanted to spend every waking moment together.  Both of us hated being away from the other person for any amount of time, and when I decided to move to Florida, his decision to come with me was life-altering.  I remember vividly the day he came to my house to tell me that he'd decided to come with me.  I was lying in bed, inconsolably weeping because I was so upset that he was having so much trouble making a decision.

It makes me so unbelievably sad to think that I might not ever experience what I had with him ever again.  It's not that I want to re-experience it with him, but I'd like to feel that connection with someone again.

After the situation with New Guy last night, I went over and had a conversation with him today, which didn't really change how I feel.  I'm still trying to keep him at a distance.  I do have a better understanding of where he's coming from with regards to wanting to be friends first, and take things slowly.  I really enjoy spending time with him - I don't think I can say it enough.  He's just a decent guy, regardless of his past.  I think I confused the crap out of him this afternoon with how I was acting and what I was saying or not saying.

After I talked to him, I came home and sat down to read my book.  This book accurately describes everything I want in a relationship with a man, and at the same time I feel a deep sorrow because I have felt the kind of deep love that I'm reading about for someone else, and I miss it.  I told New Guy that my only fear in life is failure, but I think that's not quite right.  I think it's that I fear not finding the love and companionship that I once felt ever again.  There are nearly seven billion people on this planet, and I fear that I won't find someone who loves me the way I want to be loved. 

I want to see the movies Eat, Pray, Love and Love and Other Drugs, but I an afraid to watch them because I know that I react very emotionally to movies and I worry that seeing things in those movies that I so desperately long for will only make the longing worse.  I want a man to save me, and I want a man to make me feel that I'll never be alone again, and that I'll never have to worry about being alone again.  I want him to see that I need help and love and compassion and want to give those to me to the end of his being.  I am so afraid that I will never have that again.  I try to remind myself of how lucky I am for having been able to experience those things even at a young age, but I felt loved nonetheless.  Brian really did love me, and because of my depression he didn't know how to help me or how to react to me, and he needed to take care of himself and in order to do that, we had to break up.  And I was extremely vulnerable after that, and finding Aaron both so quickly and in so unconventional a way really gave me hope.  But he used me for his own needs and then threw me away as though I were nothing, and that just damaged me further, because I never had a chance to heal from losing Brian. And because I so longed for love and companionship, I forced my relationship with Aaron to "work," even though it was nowhere near a healthy relationship.  I allowed him to use me and take advantage of my own kindness and compassion, which only continued to tear me down. 

I'm trying so hard to build myself back up after 5 years of wanting love so much but not getting the love I needed.  It is so difficult.  There are days when I want to just give up instead of making the effort to change the course of my thought process, which is what I'm struggling with today.  I'm trying to feel okay with the recent events, but I'm just not really okay with them.  It's too hard to not be hopeful of getting the attention of a decent man, whom I'm also attracted to, but not get it in return - although not because he doesn't feel the same things, but because he's holding himself back to prevent himself from hurting me.  I know I should be appreciative of the effort he's making not to let me get hurt, but I so ache for love that I feel like it's just seeping out of my pores.  And it must be, because he can read me like a book.  He can tell when I'm being guarded and when I'm not.

While I know how badly I want to be loved and to have a relationship with a man that I can depend on, I also want to not want that anymore.  I want to be okay with being alone and fulfilling my own goals and dreams and stop jumping at the possibility that a guy might have interest in me and just overlook it because I am too busy with myself.

I'd like to turn my brain off for a week or so.  I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of conflicting thoughts I have in my head, and I don't know how to sort anything out.  Or maybe I do, but I'm too tired to do that. I wish that someone would just hold me and tell me that everything will be okay because I don't have the strength to believe me when I tell myself.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Save the Drama for your Mama - NOT!

Whew.  Right now I'm coming down from being upset.  It's been a long time since I've felt upset by something other than my family situation and it's almost refreshing, despite how shitty being upset in the first place feels.  I spoke to New Guy earlier and we had made plans to hang out tonight.  This afternoon he called me to tell me to bring people with me to his house because he and Mr. Roomie wanted to have a party, theme: PJs.  I was excited to go because I like hanging out with them.  I was totally up front and honest about how I have a touch of social anxiety and I'm not great at parties where I don't know anyone.  He said that I'd be just fine, so I agreed to go.  Then I got a call from Tiffany telling me that there's another girl he'd asked to go who he's been talking to and might also be dating.  I got really upset at hearing this.  I'm not entirely sure why, because I've definitely distanced myself from New Guy since I decided that we don't really have that much in common anyway.  I called New Guy to tell him that I'd heard this and that I was concerned because I was already nervous about there being no one else there that I know, and he responded by telling me that it will be really fun and that there will be a guy there "my age," (which leads me to believe he was considering pawning me off anyway) and that I should reconsider not going.  I talked to Tiffany again and she said that her main concern was that if I went and then was not given the amount of attention from him that I'd anticipated that I'd be hurt, and I have to agree with her.  She knows me well.  Anyway, I called him to tell him I'd decided not to go, and told him truthfully that I was worried that if I went and then he didn't pay enough attention to me that I'd be hurt so it was better that I didn't go.  I briefly explained that I'm not a secure enough person to deal with whatever "drama" there might be, and that previous relationships have really done a number on my security and self-esteem so I was just not up for it tonight.  Tiffany told me that I shouldn't call him because he'd hear how upset I was in my voice and that I should probably just text him instead.  I said that he needed to know how upset I am and that I was totally okay with allowing him to know.  I'm honest to a fault, and even if it means having someone I might have dated think that I am a total freak for being so sensitive I'd rather just tell the truth and leave it at that instead of go all around my own feelings and pretend I'm okay. 

Everything that Tiffany tells me about New Guy tells me that he's a different person with me than he is with her.  She tells me things about how sexual of a person he is and how he can be so stupid and so immature, but I don't ever see that.  I see him acting pretty normal, if not a lot like a regular guy who talks about boogers and sex and farts.  I know he has depth because he's given me a tiny amount of information about how he's been changing a lot over the last 5 years or so, but he hasn't given me any details about how or why.  I've been wanting to tell him about what I've been going through in the last 5 years and how I've been working on changing myself too but I haven't gotten an opportunity to talk seriously with him about anything like that.  We're always around Mr. Roomie.  Which is fine, he's a nice and also very funny guy, but it leaves little time for me to get to know New Guy in any real way.

I'm confused because I thought I had already made up my mind about where things were going to go with him, but yet I'm upset at hearing that he's been scouting other prospective people to date.  I haven't been scouting.  I never do.  I very rarely attempt to juggle two guys, and I even more rarely get to try it.  I think I just like that he pays any attention to me at all and that he wants to get to know me.  At the same time, it's not exactly fair for him not to be up front with me about what he's expecting to happen between us when we've been talking and hanging out for this long.

I'm now sitting here wondering if he'll actually end up hooking up with the other girl tonight because she is still going to the party.  Would I be upset if I found out that was what happened?  I don't know, and I don't really feel like pressing myself to find out.  I know I can expect to hear from New Guy tomorrow because he said that he wants to talk to me more about why I feel the way I do, and I would really like an opportunity to make him understand.  I don't think it will change anything but I think it's important to me that I know that he understands.

On a different note, I was blindsided by some interesting developments.  My parents were approved to take out a home equity loan to help them pay off their bills and my sister's lawyer and generally ease their financial strain.  Upon getting approved, my dad asked me to give him the information about my debt at CU including the exact amount, the address, and the account number.  He wants to pay it off for me.  I feel like I have clearly described my disdain for having my parents pay for anything for me.  Yet I am more than willing to allow them to do this.  I want - more than anything in this world - to go back to school.  I want to finish my degree so that I can get on with my life.  Having my degree will allow me to join the Peace Corps.  I could become an elementary or high school teacher.  I could go to grad school.  I was watching Bones at work yesterday and I was thinking about how different it might be to go to work every day to a job where it didn't feel like WORK, but like just going to do something I love.  If I finish school, I can have a chance to do that.  And best of all, I'll meet more people.  Of course, going back to finish undergrad at 26 will make me a good 4-5 years older than my classmates, but who cares?!? 

I'm delivering the check on Wednesday, along with my application to go back to school this summer.  I figure I will take just a couple of classes so that I make a dent in the amount of credits I have left.  I could not be more excited at the prospect of going back to school.  My life will have purpose again.  I will get student discounts again.  I will have that much longer to pay back my student loans.  It's fantastic!

This does, however throw a huge wrench in the consideration I was putting into moving to San Diego and living with Kara.  And Kara was really, really excited when I talked to her today.  I could tell that she was disappointed to hear that I wouldn't be able to do that.  I do plan on visiting out there for at least a week in like March.  And once I finish school I can actually go out there to live.  Or go wherever she may be living at that point.

Today, I was productive.  I cleaned up allllllll the dog poo in the backyard and front yard (it's exponentially more when there's three dogs instead of just the one).  I got rid of a bunch of clothes in my closet that I never wear, so maybe I won't hate having to shove all the rest of the clothes I do wear in there when they are done going through the washer and dryer.  I worked on the oil painting I've been wanting to do for like the last years.  And I still have two days off.

I've got therapy tomorrow morning.  I'm glad of it, because I think I could use a mental tune-up.  Every time I try to go less often than once every two weeks I feel like something happens that I have difficulty processing.  I hate feeling so dependent on being in therapy.  I don't like dealing with all the everyday stuff that goes on in my life, I'd really like to put more work into the bigger issues I have like low self-esteem and major fear of abandonment.  I feel like the everyday things that I talk about are just preventing me from hitting the big stuff that I wish I could resolve.

I was tearing up when I started writing because I was feeling so upset by the New Guy drama, and so I turned on Scrubs to sort of tune out the white noise of all the shit I have in my head right now.  When I write at home I rarely do it without the TV or music on.  Anyway, it was one of my favorite episodes.  I started crying even harder when I heard my favorite lines from the episode:

Turk: Hotdog pen!  Count it, Honky Face!

That was a sort of inside joke between Former Bestie and me.  I don't know how many times I wrote that on her facebook page or wake up to see that she'd written it on mine.  I miss her so very much sometimes.  Then I was watching the end of the episode, where JD and Turk are sitting next to each other and just looking up at the stars, and I felt so sad.  I am missing something.  I have a big hole inside me, and I long for close companionship so much, yet I don't see myself finding it anytime soon.  That's what makes me even more sad.

I'm craving an alcoholic beverage right now.  As I've been writing, I've actually been thinking about going out and getting a six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade.  I don't really feel like making the effort to go out and get it, so I may just have a homemade hard cherry limeade.  Drinking is something I have been doing less and less of, but when I get upset, I find that it is one of the only things I can do to quiet my mind.