The Dynamic Changes

So, I guess as my dad is getting older, he's also getting more emotional.  It takes less and less to overwhelm his emotions and the spill over by either him crying, or screaming.  When it's to do with my sister, it's usually screaming.  I went over to the house today to celebrate little Z's 5th birthday, and mostly everything was fine.  After the boys left, my dad had three beers.  When he drinks, he gets jovial and goofy, and very talkative.  I was sewing the head back onto one of Phoenix's favorite toys - a stuffed monkey - and I was asking my mom how to knot the end of the thread in one spot, and he asked me what I was asking her.  I told him that I didn't want his help because he was drinking and I didn't think it would be helpful.  Apparently that rubbed him the wrong way.  Then my older sister asked him if she could use the truck tonight and that set him off.  I think it was the combination of his having had some beers and the emotions he's feeling with me leaving and taking Phoenix with, and his frustration that my sister was asking to use the truck which she's been doing more and more since I got my car back, but he pretty much lost it.  My little sister and I were downstairs trying to figure out how to get my mom's iPhone updated to iOS4 when we heard him upstairs yelling and slamming things around.  My mom went up to see what was wrong and he told her that he's just tired of getting attitude from all three of his daughters.  My older sister using the truck, my being rude to him and also threatening to not bring Phoenix over anymore (because I feel like my dad sometimes won't listen to me about not giving him scraps of steak with a lot of fat on them), and I guess my little sister made some comment to him during the week about something or another that offended him.

I thought my dad and I were okay, and that it was my mom that I'd have to be wary of.  Instead, on my first day back, it was my mom that was being comforting and reassuring and my dad that was overreacting.  I feel like I've abandoned them and that they are pretty upset about it.  My mom assures me that I'm not abandoning them, and that I need to do what I need to do and go do my own thing, but either way, I left the house in tears.  So I guess my moving out did not solve all problems. 

I'm worried that by leaving a lot of my things there, my older sister will take that as a green light to go in and use or take whatever she wants because she'll assume that since I didn't take those things with me, that they're fair game.  I don't think that I'm being overdramatic about it, I just know her mentality. 

I don't know.  Right now I feel kind of all over the place.  I'm glad to be able to leave the house and not have to sit in the tension, and I'm also thrilled to be able to get Phoenix out when there's bound to be more yelling and screaming over my sister's use or misuse of the truck.  At the same time, I'm way out of my routine, I'm worried about leaving Phoenix here when I'm at work - I don't want him to totally flip out and he really will, and I know it.  I woke up today feeling more relaxed and a bit more reassured of the situation, so that's good.

This has been a horrible post.  I don't feel like going back through it and proofing it and correcting my grammar and other thoughts.  So I'm going to leave it as is.  Call it a bad night.