Friday, January 21, 2011

A Whole Different Kind of Day

Yeowza.  Today was an interesting day with quite the array of feelings.  When I went to bed last night I was very excited to be moving out on such a whim.  I woke up this morning a bit less excited and a little apprehensive.  I was able to move almost all of my stuff with minimal help from other humans (including my 100lb 27" flat-screen tube-style TV), and I'm thrilled about that.  When I did get up, my whole house was full of heightened tension.  I moved a lot of stuff out while the kids were still there, but my sister took the boys to the stock show, and after my first trip, my parents had relaxed quite nicely.  I felt very little tension after that.  I loaded up my car, and Tiffany's car, and Tiffany's husband came with his truck to help me move my mattress and desk (which is actually a baker's rack).  After that, it was unloading and unpacking.  Tiff came home from her appointment, and I was almost completely unpacked, save for what we hadn't had time to get out of her car earlier.

I ate dinner with the family (pizza, for which I am thankful that her sons like cheese pizza because that is my preference), and I hopped in the shower to get ready for the mixer we had been planning to attend.  As I was in the shower, I had an almost panic attack as the gravity of my decision became apparent.  I was concerned for Phoenix, because he seemed terribly uncomfortable and sort of anxiety-ridden, and also for myself because my major coping mechanisms lean towards being able to lose myself in TV or movies, or the internet.  Here at Tiffany's, I won't have internet or cable in my room.  I think that my panic is unfounded, because I am simply making a rather large and unusual change, but it was there nonetheless.  I got ready for the party, because I was really looking forward to it, and we took Phoenix to my parents house to stay the night because I think he would have really been quite anxiety-riddled had I left him in this unfamiliar place with people he didn't know, including a couple of kids who insist upon trying to play with him most of the time.

We went to the party.  It was being thrown as a wine-and-cheese-mixer by a person who I met back in 2008 via, and who Tiffany knows through Isagenix.  Ironically, I had no social anxiety whatsoever about the mixer itself; I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, and I was excited to be there.  I met a bunch of Isagenix people and I got to see my old "flame," and I had a blast.  Tiffany doesn't like wine, which I find ludicrous, but I had about two glasses and really enjoyed socializing with the people there.  A couple of ladies there were lesbians, with whom Mike (match guy) will be playing in a band on a Disney cruise ship in the Bahamas for like 10 weeks later this year.  They were HILARIOUS.  I kid you not, one of them said the words "And you charmed him with your magic pussy...and your periods are glitter and smell like roses."  I haven't laughed that hard in a looooooong time. 

On the way home, Tiffany and I just gabbed about the people we'd met and then listened to music.  She insists that I add that we sat in the driveway listening to a Glee rendition of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, headbanging.  Which I haven't done since high school.  My spirits are significantly lifted as of right now, and I'm going to go forward to the best of my ability taking things one day at a time.  I will obviously need to change some of my habits of TV-watching and internet-dwelling, but I think those are things I can do.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning at 9am, which I only remembered about as we were driving to Denver tonight, and I'm not sure I'm going to go.  I hate being thought of as irresponsible or unreliable, but I didn't have time to contact my therapist to reschedule and I don't have $50 to pay for the appointment right now. 

Tomorrow I'll be spending a significant amount of time with my family, to celebrate Z's 5th birthday, which is Sunday, but he goes back to his dad tomorrow night so we won't actually see him on the day itself.  My parents got him a bike, which is what he wanted.  I can't wait to see how excited he is. 

I had mentioned to Tiffany that I had a friend from EMT school who I'm friends with on facebook, and I saw a few weeks ago that he'd become single.  I sent him a message telling him that I'm working in Boulder and moving back there soon and I'd love to get a drink with him and catch up.  I didn't expect a reply for a couple of weeks at least because from what I can tell he doesn't use facebook much.  However, I awakened this morning to a reply, saying he'd been thinking about me too, and would love to get a drink to catch up before he goes to GREENLAND in a week and a half.  So I will be seeing him on Sunday evening and I'm very excited - I'm thrilled to see him again.  He made me laugh, and he's really smart.  He was one of my favorite people from EMT school. 

So now it's almost midnight and I need to get to bed so I can make some decisions about tomorrow, and I still have a few things to unload and unpack.  I'm still very wary of this decision I've made, but I'm going to try to look at it from one very separate moment to one hour to one day at a time.  I hope that Phoenix can get used to this whole new situation, because he will be forced to adapt to new places and new situations for the next few years.  I just hope that I can make him understand that as long as he's with me, he will be okay.  I also hope that I can understand that myself.

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