After having done a considerable amount of dating (and relationshipping, if you can call whatever I had with Aaron that), I find myself really looking back at the time I had with Brian. Anytime I hear a song from the CD he made me in our first months of dating, I remember how things developed between us, and I haven't experienced anything like that since then. That really upsets me. It felt so easy and so natural and so wonderful. It was like there was an equal amount of interest and lust and feeling there between us - so much so that we used to argue who was more excited to see the other person. We'd make plans to spend every day together and we both wanted to spend every waking moment together. Both of us hated being away from the other person for any amount of time, and when I decided to move to Florida, his decision to come with me was life-altering. I remember vividly the day he came to my house to tell me that he'd decided to come with me. I was lying in bed, inconsolably weeping because I was so upset that he was having so much trouble making a decision.
It makes me so unbelievably sad to think that I might not ever experience what I had with him ever again. It's not that I want to re-experience it with him, but I'd like to feel that connection with someone again.
After the situation with New Guy last night, I went over and had a conversation with him today, which didn't really change how I feel. I'm still trying to keep him at a distance. I do have a better understanding of where he's coming from with regards to wanting to be friends first, and take things slowly. I really enjoy spending time with him - I don't think I can say it enough. He's just a decent guy, regardless of his past. I think I confused the crap out of him this afternoon with how I was acting and what I was saying or not saying.
After I talked to him, I came home and sat down to read my book. This book accurately describes everything I want in a relationship with a man, and at the same time I feel a deep sorrow because I have felt the kind of deep love that I'm reading about for someone else, and I miss it. I told New Guy that my only fear in life is failure, but I think that's not quite right. I think it's that I fear not finding the love and companionship that I once felt ever again. There are nearly seven billion people on this planet, and I fear that I won't find someone who loves me the way I want to be loved.
I want to see the movies Eat, Pray, Love and Love and Other Drugs, but I an afraid to watch them because I know that I react very emotionally to movies and I worry that seeing things in those movies that I so desperately long for will only make the longing worse. I want a man to save me, and I want a man to make me feel that I'll never be alone again, and that I'll never have to worry about being alone again. I want him to see that I need help and love and compassion and want to give those to me to the end of his being. I am so afraid that I will never have that again. I try to remind myself of how lucky I am for having been able to experience those things even at a young age, but I felt loved nonetheless. Brian really did love me, and because of my depression he didn't know how to help me or how to react to me, and he needed to take care of himself and in order to do that, we had to break up. And I was extremely vulnerable after that, and finding Aaron both so quickly and in so unconventional a way really gave me hope. But he used me for his own needs and then threw me away as though I were nothing, and that just damaged me further, because I never had a chance to heal from losing Brian. And because I so longed for love and companionship, I forced my relationship with Aaron to "work," even though it was nowhere near a healthy relationship. I allowed him to use me and take advantage of my own kindness and compassion, which only continued to tear me down.
I'm trying so hard to build myself back up after 5 years of wanting love so much but not getting the love I needed. It is so difficult. There are days when I want to just give up instead of making the effort to change the course of my thought process, which is what I'm struggling with today. I'm trying to feel okay with the recent events, but I'm just not really okay with them. It's too hard to not be hopeful of getting the attention of a decent man, whom I'm also attracted to, but not get it in return - although not because he doesn't feel the same things, but because he's holding himself back to prevent himself from hurting me. I know I should be appreciative of the effort he's making not to let me get hurt, but I so ache for love that I feel like it's just seeping out of my pores. And it must be, because he can read me like a book. He can tell when I'm being guarded and when I'm not.
While I know how badly I want to be loved and to have a relationship with a man that I can depend on, I also want to not want that anymore. I want to be okay with being alone and fulfilling my own goals and dreams and stop jumping at the possibility that a guy might have interest in me and just overlook it because I am too busy with myself.
I'd like to turn my brain off for a week or so. I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of conflicting thoughts I have in my head, and I don't know how to sort anything out. Or maybe I do, but I'm too tired to do that. I wish that someone would just hold me and tell me that everything will be okay because I don't have the strength to believe me when I tell myself.