Monday, January 17, 2011

Untangling the Confusion

I feel all over the place today.   I woke up this morning with indifference, but thinking on the way to work today brought me to the conclusion that I cannot take action towards getting my sister's ticket off of my driving record because it will mean my and my parents loss of her kids.  Regardless of how stressful and sometimes heartbreaking and overall confounding their inconsistent presence in our lives is, I love them too much to risk not being able to see them and be a part of their upbringing.  I made the decision right as I got into work this morning, resulting in my slamming things around unnecessarily - and thank goodness it was so early and no one was here to hear that.  I slam things when I'm mad.  It's one of the thing my past significant others thought was a major issue.

My decision does not take away from my anger over the entire situation.  I'm looking at it like this: As much as I would like to get a job as an EMT, I can't right now.  I might be able to at some point later on.  But right now, my job (from my understanding of it) will allow the flexibility of time for me to attend school.  I'm paid better at this job than I would probably be paid working for an ambulance company.  And this job gives me the freedom to spend all day studying if that's what needs to occur.

I'm still furious over my sister's taking advantage of me and my parents.  I'm furious that she seems to think that she shouldn't have to face the consequences that result from her bad behavior.  I'm furious that she will walk away from this whole thing and suffer no punishment whatsoever.  I wish there were some way to make her pay for doing this without her having to spend time in jail.  But I don't see that there is.

Last night was mostly the beginning of the confusion of my feelings.  Every time I watch a major awards show, it makes me want to just up and move to Los Angeles and try my hand at acting.  It makes me feel all sorts of weird feelings - fear being the biggest obstacle - but it just drums up all the dreams and wishes I have about acting or being in the movie business.  I love it so much, I feel such passion for it, such fascination for it, that I don't know any other way to alleviate it but to go out and do it.  It's like having an itch in the middle of your back that you can't reach.  It's rather irritating.

I also felt a twinge of jealousy when I talked with Tiffany briefly today.  I had meant to ask her if she had spoken to Odd Guy (formerly known as New Guy)(name still under construction) lately, and she mentioned that she had before I'd even had a chance to ask her.  I haven't heard a word from him.  I did genuinely like his company and I'd hoped that we could actually be friends, but I must have really made him think negatively about me or I'd like to think that he'd have checked in with me or something. 

While I feel disappointment about this, it's pretty much just disappointment, there are no other feelings.  I don't think.  At least that I can't identify at this point.  I'm relieved to discover this.  We'll see if that changes later on down the road.

I'm getting very, very excited about the prospect of going back to school.  I researched as much as I could the information about tuition, fees, student loans and grants.  I feel very informed.  I'll need to sit down and ask my boss what my options are for changing my work schedule to accommodate a school schedule.  I know for a fact that the people who've held this same position in the past have been students, so I'm fairly sure that she'll be obliging.  I'm just a bit nervous about paying for school, and also finishing school.  I'm terrified that once I do have my degree that I will not be able to work in a high-enough paying job to support myself comfortably.  I'd like to be able to get a job that pays no less than $60,000 a year, but Anthropology isn't exactly a degree that will afford me much use in any high-paying career field.  I'm still very interested in going to graduate school, although I think what I'd like to do is figure out a way to get a degree in Criminology as well as perhaps one in Integrated Physiology or some similar field in which medicine is the main goal.  In order to obtain these degrees, I'm going to have to put a lot of work and a lot of time into school, but since I've been out of it for so long, and I'm so excited to go back, I don't think that will be too much of a problem.  I am definitely nervous, though.  I just want it so badly.

I need to settle down.  I'm worked up at the moment, and that's not good.  When I feel this way, I tend to project into the future, which usually makes me feel overwhelmed and frantic and out of control.  If I can push away those feelings for the time-being and just let everything play out the way it is meant to, I know it will work out for the best.  This will be a good test for me.  School has a pattern of really messing with my mental health, and I'd very much like to be in the best possible place to start with so that I don't have anywhere to go but up.

Oh yeah.  And there's a Student EMS club at CU which I plan to join for some experience and to make new friends.  What can it hurt?

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