Whew. Right now I'm coming down from being upset. It's been a long time since I've felt upset by something other than my family situation and it's almost refreshing, despite how shitty being upset in the first place feels. I spoke to New Guy earlier and we had made plans to hang out tonight. This afternoon he called me to tell me to bring people with me to his house because he and Mr. Roomie wanted to have a party, theme: PJs. I was excited to go because I like hanging out with them. I was totally up front and honest about how I have a touch of social anxiety and I'm not great at parties where I don't know anyone. He said that I'd be just fine, so I agreed to go. Then I got a call from Tiffany telling me that there's another girl he'd asked to go who he's been talking to and might also be dating. I got really upset at hearing this. I'm not entirely sure why, because I've definitely distanced myself from New Guy since I decided that we don't really have that much in common anyway. I called New Guy to tell him that I'd heard this and that I was concerned because I was already nervous about there being no one else there that I know, and he responded by telling me that it will be really fun and that there will be a guy there "my age," (which leads me to believe he was considering pawning me off anyway) and that I should reconsider not going. I talked to Tiffany again and she said that her main concern was that if I went and then was not given the amount of attention from him that I'd anticipated that I'd be hurt, and I have to agree with her. She knows me well. Anyway, I called him to tell him I'd decided not to go, and told him truthfully that I was worried that if I went and then he didn't pay enough attention to me that I'd be hurt so it was better that I didn't go. I briefly explained that I'm not a secure enough person to deal with whatever "drama" there might be, and that previous relationships have really done a number on my security and self-esteem so I was just not up for it tonight. Tiffany told me that I shouldn't call him because he'd hear how upset I was in my voice and that I should probably just text him instead. I said that he needed to know how upset I am and that I was totally okay with allowing him to know. I'm honest to a fault, and even if it means having someone I might have dated think that I am a total freak for being so sensitive I'd rather just tell the truth and leave it at that instead of go all around my own feelings and pretend I'm okay.
Everything that Tiffany tells me about New Guy tells me that he's a different person with me than he is with her. She tells me things about how sexual of a person he is and how he can be so stupid and so immature, but I don't ever see that. I see him acting pretty normal, if not a lot like a regular guy who talks about boogers and sex and farts. I know he has depth because he's given me a tiny amount of information about how he's been changing a lot over the last 5 years or so, but he hasn't given me any details about how or why. I've been wanting to tell him about what I've been going through in the last 5 years and how I've been working on changing myself too but I haven't gotten an opportunity to talk seriously with him about anything like that. We're always around Mr. Roomie. Which is fine, he's a nice and also very funny guy, but it leaves little time for me to get to know New Guy in any real way.
I'm confused because I thought I had already made up my mind about where things were going to go with him, but yet I'm upset at hearing that he's been scouting other prospective people to date. I haven't been scouting. I never do. I very rarely attempt to juggle two guys, and I even more rarely get to try it. I think I just like that he pays any attention to me at all and that he wants to get to know me. At the same time, it's not exactly fair for him not to be up front with me about what he's expecting to happen between us when we've been talking and hanging out for this long.
I'm now sitting here wondering if he'll actually end up hooking up with the other girl tonight because she is still going to the party. Would I be upset if I found out that was what happened? I don't know, and I don't really feel like pressing myself to find out. I know I can expect to hear from New Guy tomorrow because he said that he wants to talk to me more about why I feel the way I do, and I would really like an opportunity to make him understand. I don't think it will change anything but I think it's important to me that I know that he understands.
On a different note, I was blindsided by some interesting developments. My parents were approved to take out a home equity loan to help them pay off their bills and my sister's lawyer and generally ease their financial strain. Upon getting approved, my dad asked me to give him the information about my debt at CU including the exact amount, the address, and the account number. He wants to pay it off for me. I feel like I have clearly described my disdain for having my parents pay for anything for me. Yet I am more than willing to allow them to do this. I want - more than anything in this world - to go back to school. I want to finish my degree so that I can get on with my life. Having my degree will allow me to join the Peace Corps. I could become an elementary or high school teacher. I could go to grad school. I was watching Bones at work yesterday and I was thinking about how different it might be to go to work every day to a job where it didn't feel like WORK, but like just going to do something I love. If I finish school, I can have a chance to do that. And best of all, I'll meet more people. Of course, going back to finish undergrad at 26 will make me a good 4-5 years older than my classmates, but who cares?!?
I'm delivering the check on Wednesday, along with my application to go back to school this summer. I figure I will take just a couple of classes so that I make a dent in the amount of credits I have left. I could not be more excited at the prospect of going back to school. My life will have purpose again. I will get student discounts again. I will have that much longer to pay back my student loans. It's fantastic!
This does, however throw a huge wrench in the consideration I was putting into moving to San Diego and living with Kara. And Kara was really, really excited when I talked to her today. I could tell that she was disappointed to hear that I wouldn't be able to do that. I do plan on visiting out there for at least a week in like March. And once I finish school I can actually go out there to live. Or go wherever she may be living at that point.
Today, I was productive. I cleaned up allllllll the dog poo in the backyard and front yard (it's exponentially more when there's three dogs instead of just the one). I got rid of a bunch of clothes in my closet that I never wear, so maybe I won't hate having to shove all the rest of the clothes I do wear in there when they are done going through the washer and dryer. I worked on the oil painting I've been wanting to do for like the last years. And I still have two days off.
I've got therapy tomorrow morning. I'm glad of it, because I think I could use a mental tune-up. Every time I try to go less often than once every two weeks I feel like something happens that I have difficulty processing. I hate feeling so dependent on being in therapy. I don't like dealing with all the everyday stuff that goes on in my life, I'd really like to put more work into the bigger issues I have like low self-esteem and major fear of abandonment. I feel like the everyday things that I talk about are just preventing me from hitting the big stuff that I wish I could resolve.
I was tearing up when I started writing because I was feeling so upset by the New Guy drama, and so I turned on Scrubs to sort of tune out the white noise of all the shit I have in my head right now. When I write at home I rarely do it without the TV or music on. Anyway, it was one of my favorite episodes. I started crying even harder when I heard my favorite lines from the episode:
Turk: Hotdog pen! Count it, Honky Face!
That was a sort of inside joke between Former Bestie and me. I don't know how many times I wrote that on her facebook page or wake up to see that she'd written it on mine. I miss her so very much sometimes. Then I was watching the end of the episode, where JD and Turk are sitting next to each other and just looking up at the stars, and I felt so sad. I am missing something. I have a big hole inside me, and I long for close companionship so much, yet I don't see myself finding it anytime soon. That's what makes me even more sad.
I'm craving an alcoholic beverage right now. As I've been writing, I've actually been thinking about going out and getting a six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade. I don't really feel like making the effort to go out and get it, so I may just have a homemade hard cherry limeade. Drinking is something I have been doing less and less of, but when I get upset, I find that it is one of the only things I can do to quiet my mind.