Sunday, July 31, 2011

I Didn't Want to Write Right Now

I'm sort of being forced to write right now.  I didn't want to write at this point, but I am.  I set my alarm for 8am, thinking I was getting up at 9, but then I realized that the pharmacy doesn't open until 10, so I set it for 9am.  And then I was awake.  This was all around 7:40am.  I managed to doze a little (an hour) and got up at 9am anyway.  I sort of lied in bed just doing a whole lot of nothing but thinking for awhile, but then I realized I needed to get up and get going on crap.

At 10 I ran over to the pharmacy and when I came back I really got cleaning.  I brought the Dyson from my parents house last night, so I vacuumed the crap out of my room (cobwebs and all).  Then.  I actually.  Put all my laundry away.  Like three months, maybe even more, of clean clothes.  ALL in the dresser and closet.  I was pretty proud of myself.  I cannot fit another item of clothing in my closet.  I was sort of wondering if I'd ever be able to fit all my clothes in there, and it turns out I can!  I just needed to rearrange a bit.  And have extra drawers in my dresser.  And built in shelves in the closet.  So that's done.  Until I have to do more laundry.  God, I hate laundry.  I'm going to invent disposable/recyclable clothes.  That won't go to the thrift store.

Then I showered (which took 45 minutes?) and before I knew it, it was time to meet up with Pilot Guy.  We took the pups to the dog park, which was incredibly boring because Nali wouldn't fetch the damn lobster and Phoenix wouldn't go swimming.  We got back and sat in the hammock in the back yard just talking for like an hour, and then went to dinner at Effrains, which is incidentally NOT the place I wanted to go, but the place I wanted to go was closed today.  And tomorrow.  And I have to work for the next three days straight, all 9.5 boring-ass hours each day.  I'm not excited.

I called Z this morning and told him I wasn't going to make it over there today for our run, which is better because I really want my leg to heal and I had a lot more to get done today than I thought I did.  Which I managed to actually get all done.

I am thrilled to go and see Kate now.  Three more days!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Longest Day

I have been awake, voluntarily for going on 15 hours now.  On a Saturday.   It looks like things have changed for good ol' B.  I got up super early today (that being 7am because it is a Saturday), and went straight to my parents house to take Z for our bike ride/run.  We managed to beat the heat for the most part, although sweat was still dripping into my eyes.  We only did two miles today, to ease my legs back into running, and it's a good thing we did because apparently there was a marathon being run on Big Dry Creek (the trail that meets up with the Airport Creek Trail which is the one we use), which went by the pond at the rec center, so I'm glad we didn't try to go further today.  I'm still debating whether or not to run tomorrow.  If I don't, it means I"m taking over a week off from running, but there are both pros and cons to that.  More about it later.

We got back and I made a doctor's appointment (needed meds) and then went shopping for my dress for Kate's wedding.  I brought Tiffany along, and it's a good thing I did because she was the one who found the dress I ended up buying, which is almost totally perfect for the 40's theme Kate's got for the whole thing.  We also did some maternity shopping for Tiff, which was cool because I didn't realize how comfy maternity clothes are and I might have to buy some just for the fun of it.  The stretchy tummy?  A BRILLIANT idea.

Then I spent 45 minutes at the doctor's office.  Which seems a little extreme for a meds visit, but whatever.  I made it back by noon, at which point I was charged with the kiddos so my parents could go look for an obscure part for my old couch which has been appropriated to my little sister so that it could properly sit on the legs it came with (the first place I lived without Brian, I awoke one morning to the couch having been broken, and I'll never know how - somehow a roommate I was living with then managed to crack the bottom of the couch where the leg screws in).  I got them all down for naps (which requires actually lying down with Z to get him to go to sleep, which worked exceedingly well!), and ended up dozing with Z for a short while.  My parents came home and I was awakened to go to the storage shed with my mom to remove yet another piece of furniture for my sister's new place.  We did that - in less than 15 minutes - and I thought I was going up to Greeley with my dad to bring up the dresser we'd gotten out of storage, but it turns out we were supposed to switch out that dresser with one that actually belongs to my little sister that my older sister has been using downstairs, except she hadn't emptied it as she was supposed to and I was not up to having to move one damn dresser downstairs and move another one up when we had a perfectly useful one in the suburban just sitting there, empty.  So we decided not to switch the dressers out, and my parents will be doing that in the morning tomorrow.  So I sat outside and read Harry Potter for awhile, and then sat down in the backyard with the kids while they played in the slip'n'slide and pool down there.  We all got like 5 new mosquito bites.

By then it was time to get going on dinner, so I prepared the veggies for grilling (cut up red, yellow and orange bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and half a head of garlic, add about 1/4 cup of butter, some salt and pepper, and grill = incredible).  We sat outside doing our normal chat/watch the kids play until dinner was ready and that was really nice.  The baby is picking up words like crazy now so talking to her and having her both understand what we're saying and respond accordingly is so much fun.  Z was throwing some of her toys down off the deck into the yard below, and going down and getting them, and when he came back up one time, she threw her arms up into the air and yelled, "Yay!"  As though she'd been waiting all her life for her brother to retrieve her toys.  But at one point today, I was leaning in close to talk to her, and she pointed to my nose and said, "Nose," then poked me in the eye and said, "Eye."

After dinner, my mom had said she'd do the dishes if I'd get the baby into the bath, but I ended up helping with the dishes, and then I tried to get the baby into the bath but she threw a fit.  She apparently loves being completely filthy, which she was.  During this time, I was winding down to get going home, but then Z rushes in from the garage - the boys had been playing outside with their neighbor friends - and goes, "I need you to come outside right now, H put a bolt up his nose."  I didn't understand a word of what he said, so I made him come in and slow down and repeat himself twice.  At one point I thought he said "bullet" instead of "bolt," but then H came into the house, wherein I was able to see the bolt up his nose.  It was definitely up there.  I spent the next hour trying to convince him and calm him down intermittently so that I could use a pair of tweezers to extract the bolt.  He was absolutely hysterical about the tweezers, which I think is a result of trauma from his mom holding him down to try to get splinters out over the course of his short life.  Anyway, he would not let me get the bolt out.  Which frustrated my dad to no end.  Poor Z was almost beside himself not knowing what to do and wanting to help but just being in the way.  So we decided to take H to the ER.  At first he freaked out about not going to the hospital, but eventually decided that it was the better alternative to my sticking tweezers up his nose to try to get the bolt out.  So my parents called my sister at work, and she met us there.  I hung around until my sister's ex-husband got there, and then left.  She'd said that she wanted me to stay until he got there, and then stay if his best friend was with him, but when he walked into the room at the ER alone, she said I could go, which I did, but I ran into his best friend in the waiting room.  I chatted with him for a minute, but decided it was better for me to just leave.

I grabbed Phoenix, the Dyson vacuum (I'm DYING for a good vacuum job on my room since our house vacuum is useless) and came home. I knew Meredi was having a lot of people over for a barbecue tonight and I'd genuinely hoped I'd make it home to be able to socialize a little, but I missed the entire thing.  I also didn't get to pick up my meds from the pharmacy since it closed at 7pm and it was about that time I was finding out that H had stuck a bolt up there for safe-keeping.

I'm struggling with the decision of whether or not I should go run tomorrow.  My tendons are definitely sore, but the run today wasn't that hard and I really want to challenge myself.  It may be the last run I can do until I get back from North Carolina, but I really want to give my tendons a decent rest so that I can keep running and not have to take a week off every three weeks, or have to take even longer off.  I think I'm leaning towards just nixing it for tomorrow and spending the morning cleaning and getting ready to see Pilot Guy from Wednesday.  He's coming up here tomorrow.  My plan, right now, is to take the dogs to the dog park and go to Santiago's which is a fantastic little Mexican place in downtown Lafayette that I really want to try because everyone raves about it.  After that, I don't know.  I'm definitely excited to see him though.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up (which is something I think I said verbatim about Writer Guy), because I don't know where or how far this might go, even though I know that deep down in my heart I want it to go for awhile.  I haven't written about him yet because I am trying not to think about him, or his situation, or his situation with regards to my situation.  I wish I were someone who could just blindly go into dating someone without any hopes or expectations and just have fun and see what happens, and I'd very much like to be able to do this with this one because I really think it will be in my best interest to do it that way, but I am having trouble.  I had a really great time with him on Wednesday.  It feels just easy to be around him and by myself around him and make conversation with him.  I think he's just the kind of person that puts me at ease.  I don't feel like things are stiff and awkward and rehearsed they way they did with Writer Guy.  I don't feel like I'm being forced to make some kind of decision - not forced by him, anyway.  But I'm definitely concerned about his past, and I don't really want to write about it right now because I don't want to put that much focus on it.  The past isn't always an indicator of the future, but from my experience, the past tends to really influence the future, so that's the short version of why I am trying not to get my hopes up.

Now it's past freaking 10:30pm and I have not done a goddamn thing around the house that I had wanted to do today (wash my sheets, put all my laundry away FINALLY, shower and exfoliate, vacuum my bedroom, put all the random crap in my bedroom away, etc.). So I probably won't run tomorrow morning, and I'll sleep in a little and then get everything done before meeting up with Pilot Guy.  Hopefully.  We'll see.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Number Three and Counting...

My boredom is exceptional today.  Not so much in the sense that it has taken actual physical form and is out picking up trash along highways, but this is post #3 for me today.  I think the only time I've ever posted more than twice in a day was the day I took all my other posts off my other blog so I could get rid of it, and put them up on here.  Today, I'm being a little more original and actually writing my third post. 

I'm starting to wonder if I might need Valium to get through my work days.  It seems like more and more frequently I have trouble keeping my patience with people who are less efficient or observant than myself.  Then I bitch about them on here.  For example, there's a guy here for a "lawyer meeting."  He didn't know the name of the lawyer, though.  When that happens I have to assume it's for the law firm that annoys the most out of me.  The same one with the sign.  I asked if they were expecting him, and if he'd been told to arrive early to fill out paperwork.  He said yes, that his appointment was at 3pm, and they'd told him to arrive at 2:45pm.  This was at 1:50pm.  Who fucking shows up over an hour early for a divorce consultation?  Someone really excited about getting divorced?  I don't know.  But he's been sitting here for the last 50 minutes.  The attorney he's supposed to meet with isn't even here. 

An actual conversation I had today, after a tenant brought it to my attention that the copier was printing lines on all the copies, and I called my boss to get permission to make a service call:

Me: Apparently the copier is printing lines on everything.  Connie just showed me a bunch of her copies.  Do you want me to place a service call?

Boss: You know, I had a bunch of lines on the copies I made yesterday.  It might just be that the glass needs to be cleaned.  Do you know how to wipe off the glass?


What if I had said no?  She's a super nice and polite lady, so she wouldn't make fun of me directly to my face, but what kind of a retard would say no, I don't know how to wipe glass off?  You take a soft cloth and maybe a little cleaning solution of some kind, and wipe the glass off.  The verb "wipe" is the one of the most explanatory verbs out there.  So I don't know - did she ask me a stupid question, or did I set myself up for that?

There's a kid who works for a company that just started renting an office in the building.  On one of my better days, I made friendly conversation with him about the Women's World Cup, which according to the laws of attraction (the laws that unattractive males follow), the fact that I showed him any attention at all must mean that I want to go out with him.  I can feel the anticipation building up for the day that he gets enough courage to ask me out for drinks after work.  He asks me if I have plans over the weekend.  If I ever just come to Boulder to hang out (I mistakenly told him I live in Lafayette).  He tries to talk to me about whatever is on my computer screen that so raptly has my attention.  I do my very best to use all the possible nonverbal cues in my arsenal to make him understand that I am in no way interested in further getting to know him or spending any time with him for which I am not being paid.  I refuse to make eye contact.  I don't even look up from the computer screen when I have to respond to him.  These things may all sound like I'm being rude, but he doesn't seem to get it.  And unfortunately for me, I have been in the situation enough times where my friendliness towards someone is misconstrued as attraction, and then the situation is about 80 billion times more awkward than it would have been if I had just turned off my friendliness earlier on.  That's the thing about those types of guys.  They're so desperate for any kind of female attention that any female attention they receive is automatically interpreted as romantic.  Maybe I'll start wearing my diamond ring on my ring finger again...

I feel like a really big ass today. 

Yup, That Happened

Well, that happened.  Apparently, there are people who read my blog.  Daily?  I don't know, but they check in from time to time, and apparently, what I write actually has consequences.  So, that's fun.  And good to know.

I'm not entirely sure I like it.

A Personal Problem

I have discovered the fatal flaw in writing this blog.  I have advertised and marketed it to all the people I know, many of whom actually read it from time to time, but in doing so, I cannot write my true feelings in this blog because of those who read it.  I have to censor my thoughts because of who has, or does or might read this.  For example, I have the link for this up on my free dating site profile.  I want the guys on there who might be interested in meeting me to read this, because I feel like it is the best and most accurate illustration of what I am like in real life, because I write almost exactly how I talk.  However, I rescheduled a date on Wednesday that I didn't really want to go on, lying about why I couldn't go.  I said that I had to help my little sister get some stuff out of storage for her move.  It wasn't a complete lie; I do have to do that this weekend.  But then, instead of just hanging out with my family and then going home that night, I went on a date with another person instead!  Granted, I had a blast, and I was looking forward to meeting the guy I met way more than I was looking forward to meeting the person I was originally going to meet, so I justified doing it that way.  But now I worry that the guy I canceled on is reading the blog and will find out I lied.  Which is exactly why I hate lying and don't do it very often.

Then, there are some annoyances that I have with some of my friends who read this that I can't write about.  I have, at least twice, written about such annoyances with the full knowledge that the friends I am writing about will read it.  Doing it that way is an extremely immature and backhanded way of revealing my true feelings without having to gather the courage to say what I want to say to their faces. 

When Kate was living in Washington, I was having some life-crises and wanted to get away from home for awhile, so I booked a one-way plane ticket to visit her and spent about two weeks out there.  While I was there, her dad printed out the definition of the word "vitriolic" and gave it to each of us, and sat us down and told us that we were terribly vitriolic people, and that when we're together all we did was be judgmental and mean about our opinions of other people.  I think that neither she nor I knew we did this, and so him doing this was sort of shocking to both of us, but I know it opened our eyes.  In the last year, maybe even the last two years, I've been trying SO HARD to try to be a better person.  I have been trying to talk less about people behind their backs, trying to be less judgmental of others - especially the ones I'm close to because they're the ones I'm the most judgmental of - and just be generally more accepting of people and their flaws.  This is a next-to-impossible feat.  I think this is because I am inherently a sort of cruel person and my knack for observation and others seeming inability to be observant is what ruins it for me.

I mention that I am more judgmental of my close friends.  I cannot figure out why this is.  More often than not I don't entirely agree with the decisions my friends make, and I have a hard time supporting them.  This was certainly the case when Kate told me she was engaged, and is sort of the case with Tiffany's pregnancy.  When I have to make big decisions, I try to think really long and hard about the implications - especially the long-term implications - of whatever decisions I need to make.  I also go to everyone I am close with, and even to a lot of people I'm not all that close with, to discuss possible implications or consequences of my decision.  For whatever reason, I hold other people's opinions in high regard.  So I think it frustrates me to find out that people that I am close to, whose opinions I hold in high regard, haven't asked me for my opinion in the decisions they make.  It's also one of the biggest things that Jen and I used to fight over - my wanting to make a decision she didn't agree with, me making said decision, and her being right.  I worry to no end that Kate getting married again isn't the best decision.  I worry that Tiffany having another kid is going to change her life for the worse.  I worry that maybe both ladies aren't thinking about the really long-term consequences to these decisions.  But they're not my decisions to make, and if I have any hope of remaining friends with these ladies I have to be supportive, even if I don't agree.  And I have so much trouble with that.

I said to my mom once, "Why can't all my friends just do what I do?" when we were discussing the big life choices my friends are making.  She replied with, "That's why I don't have any friends."  Which led me to two questions: 1. Do my friends think I'm boring because I haven't made any humongous life-changing decisions?  And 2. Do I need to quit worrying about how the decisions my friends make affect me?  I think I can effectively answer yes to both questions, but I think that there is probably not much I can do to change either thing. 

So I'm not really sure what to do.  I try to write as completely and honestly as possible, and that is for my benefit and no one else's.  I also don't want to be writing things that hurt my friends' feelings, either.  But if I'm not completely honest and forthcoming about the thoughts in my head, I can't in good conscience use this blog to the full advantage that I intended when I set out to write it in the first place.  I'd say that about 50% of what I write is simply for the purpose of emptying my brain.  I like to make room for other, perhaps more important thoughts.  I tend to ruminate on the thoughts that I don't write about, and so writing about them is a skill that I use to battle something that might cause a flare-up in the Depression.  I definitely have a dilemma.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Most Excitement I've Had In Weeks

I am.  So tired.  I think we probably didn't get to sleep until 3am?  Maybe?  Then we woke up at 6:45, and went back to sleep until about 8:30, when I left.  I went to my parents house to grab Phoenix and hang out for a little while, and then went home.  I would have made it home shortly after 10am if I hadn't gotten pulled over in my neighborhood.  Literally, I had to stop ON MY STREET.  I got a fucking speeding ticket for going 35 in a 25.  Which I am nearly positive I am going to go contest in court because I was slowing down to make the turn onto my street and I don't want another goddamn ticket on my record!!  I wasn't paying much attention, but I was in a lot of pain - sore from doing lunges yesterday and also sore from the hangover which makes my hips hurt as though I have a fever or something.

I fell asleep at home and slept for another few hours, got up (which was hard.  I felt like I'd been drugged!) and went back to my parents house to help out while my sister was in her mediation.  By the time I got there, though, they were finished and she had gotten pretty much everything she wanted.  They switched the days that she has the kids, and decided that the kids will go to Sheridan Green Elementary, which is where both my sisters and I went.  Mediation was a total success, I guess.

But now I'm back home and I feel like I could sleep for a week.  I'm so tired.  And still recovering from the hangover.  So I'm going to shower and get into bed and go to sleep WAY early tonight.  It's going to be amazing.

Meredi's mom and aunt are staying with us for the next few days, so I'm not sure how easy it's going to be for me to just continue my routine, but I'm not too worried about it.  At this point I'm too tired to care.

Oh. Shit.

Well. I did not post anything during the 24 hours that yesterday was yesterday. I should have written something while I was at work. But I didn't. So I'm writing now. I got kind of drunk last night and simply didn't go home. Strangest first date. Ever. I'm actually writing this while in someone else's bed. We just woke up. For the sake of my privacy and his, I'm choosing not to include the small details but we met up for pizza and beers in Denver and apparently I had a great time. So I just wanted to post something while I'm still thinking about it since I was too inebriated to remember to write anything last night.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Deep Thoughts

I think that in order to really hate someone, you have to have loved them first.  I hate my sister.  The older one.  In my opinion, she has no redeeming qualities.  What positive qualities she does have, she only exhibits in her imitation of other humans.  Kind of like camouflage.

I stuck around the house today, being lazy.  Did some laundry, watched some TV, napped a little.  Around 4, Phoenix and I headed over to my parents house.  We went for a run (2.57 miles, which felt longer), and ate with my parents.  They had gyros, but I refuse to eat lamb, so I had a sandwich instead.  It was delicious!  Anyway, both my sisters were there today.  My little sister is really stressed out about summer school and working and moving so she came down to try to clear her head, and my older sister came home from work right after Phoenix and I left for our run.  Dinner was fine, totally pleasant.  After dinner, we sat in the living room just chatting about random things, and my older sister said she was leaving to go get her phone charger from her friend's house.  The rest of us just sat there, continuing our conversations, but my sister just stood there, purse on shoulder, car keys in hand, continuing to talk.  She was talking about some new person at work, and blah blah blah, I quit listening because I was looking that the Ikea catalog, but I realized that she said she was leaving, but hadn't left yet and was talking about something none of us gave two shits about, so I said, "Hey, shut up and leave already.  You said you were leaving, so leave."  Mostly I was being ironic and sarcastic, although my tone was totally serious (which was probably my mistake), but I wanted to point out to her that she said she was going to leave, but instead just stood there talking.  She flipped shit.  Yelled at me, said fuck you, called me a bitch, and said that the reason she's never there when I'm there is because I can't be nice to her.  And then left, slamming the door.

I thought for sure my parents were going to say something to me about how rude I was, so I was extremely surprised when my dad said that I'd saved him because he was about three seconds away from jumping up and putting his head through the ceiling because of how sick he was of her talking about work (apparently she had a bunch of new people written up because they didn't fill the salt and pepper shakers up all the way or whatever) when she's totally ruined his truck.  It runs horribly, and apparently needs new brakes really soon.  She's been driving it since December!  Of course she's not taking care of it.  It's not hers.  It's not in her interest to take care of it.  So, I was shocked when my dad said thank you for getting her the hell out of the house because he would have totally lost it and then we'd all have felt a lot more uncomfortable.  Of course, I had to point out the irony of his saying that he would have jumped up because he's still in a cast on one foot from his surgery last week and he's been having a lot of trouble getting around on his crutches because he has virtually no strength in his other leg because his knee is so damaged (he needs surgery for that, too).  I sat there for a short while talking about my hatred for my sister, until my mom said to stop because it wasn't constructive as they still have to live with her, to which I responded with sorrow for that, and said that I didn't intend to be a bitch (I really didn't!) but if it makes it so that I have to see less of her, that's great.  She loves to tell me to leave when I'm over there and I do something or say something that pisses her off.  Her argument is that I don't live there, and she does.  Which isn't really an argument, because my parents have the final say as to whether I stay or go, and I'm more willing to respect their requests that I leave than I am to respect her telling me to go home.

That's what it comes down to.  I have 0 respect for her.  She's a piece of shit for a person.  She does nothing on this planet but take up space, convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, and waste my parents' time and money.  I just love her kids to death.  And therein lies the issue.  Her kids deserve to be treated as though they are the wonderful (albeit slightly mischievous) beings that they are, and not get yelled at all the fucking time.  I love taking them places and hanging out with them, and I really hope, to the deepest depths of my heart, that I can be there for them someday when they realize what a damaged and inhuman person their mother is.  I wish I could be the one to support them financially - if I could - so that my parents wouldn't be so stressed out all the time.  There's no way my sister will ever be able to support them on her own, even the half the time she's got them.

She's going to mediation on Thursday to try to amend the parenting plan, but I can just about guarantee she will not get what she wants because she's going to try to manipulate, and when that doesn't work, she's going to try to intimidate, and when that doesn't work, she'll lose her shit and throw a temper tantrum.  I've worked reception for mediators before, and I understand what they do.  My mom said that they must know things will get heated, and I totally agreed.  When I was working for an especially busy one, I saw people crying and occasionally heard yelling.  But I never witnessed the cacophony that my sister is capable of creating.  She screams, cries, stomps her foot, curses, slams things, and when you're an adult, that is not how to get what you want.  My mom thinks she should probably go along just so she can drive my sister home after she's all upset.  I told her she should just let my sister drive upset because my dad has full coverage on the truck and can get it replaced if it is totaled.  As for my sister, if she were to drive into a brick wall, I think I'd be sad, but not for her.  I'd be sad for her kids, although not that much.  They're better off without her, but kids who go through life without a mom tend to be a little more messed up than ones that do.  And that's the existential question.  Are they better off without her altogether, or with her acting the way she acts?  What will mess them up more?

I hate that I've even devoted the last hour to thinking about her.  She's not worth it in the slightest.  I think I just needed to vent, get that all out of my head and off my chest.

Anyway, I'm a little upset because after running today, I have two tendons that hurt.  One on the medial aspect of my upper ankle, and one just below my knee.  The knee one already hurt, but the ankle one is new. So I iced them both right away after I got home, and I need to work on strengthening them a bit tonight.  I'll do that next.  Also, I stepped on the scale and have not lost a single ounce since last week.  So once and for all, I'm quitting the cleanse.  I'm still planning to be watching what I'm eating, and trying to eat healthy, but I'm not going to restrict my diet as much.  I am going to keep exercising because I am actually starting to enjoy it now, and not dread it.  I am actually excited to see if I'll have any results if I keep up with it.  After all, keeping up with the blog has been a damn-near cure for my mental health issues.  I really feel amazing mentally.  I feel like I've finally figured everything out and can control my brain to some extent.  I just need my body to catch up, so I'm going to exercise and exercise until I see what I want to see.  I'm pretty sure the reason the cleanse isn't working for me is because I'm on Lupron and the hormone add-back therapy.  I think it's really done something with my metabolism so that no matter what I do, I'm not gaining or losing weight.  Although my mom put the thought in my head tonight that maybe if I weren't working so hard, I'd be putting weight on, so now I'm going to be a bit paranoid about that.  But at least that will give me extra motivation to stay with it.  I might try the cleanse again after I'm off the Lupron to see if it makes any difference, or I may not.  I would rather not try to predict my mindset three months from now.  Three months is a long time in crazy-land.  Anything could happen.  But at least maybe I will be happier getting to eat more food, and more often.

Okay, exercise and TV time.  It rained tonight so it's all nice and cool and fresh-smelling in here.  I'm excited.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Annoyed! Irritated! Uncomfortable!

So the saga continues!!  I wrote on Friday about my annoyance with clients walking right past me at the front desk only to get lost in the building trying to find the law firm they're supposed to go to, but without checking in with me first so they can fill out the required paperwork.  Well I replaced the sign at the front desk today, only to have Abrasive Anna tell me that my boss doesn't want the sign up at the desk because that's basically "giving them free advertisement."  What a bunch of bullshit!  Who fucking cares if there's a sign up?  No one knows what the hell the law firm's name is anyway, so how could we be advertising for them??  I know my boss had a problem with it because it's so big (8.5" x 11").  I don't see the problem.  I'm tired of people walking by me thinking I'm not an important stop on their way to their divorce, only to have to come back and require me to be pleasant to their stupid faces about the fact that they didn't check in with me in the first place!!  It's shit like this that makes me want to quit.  I hate not having control over my workspace and the job I am supposed to be doing.  Abrasive Anna told me that I need to do whatever is necessary to get the attention of the people walking by me, no matter what, so that I can direct them to the right place.  It's my job, she said.  Chasing fucking idiots around is actually not my job.  I am not running a goddamn daycare.  So I asked her, okay, but what if I am on the phone or signing for a package or otherwise engaged with another person?  To which she responded, "I'm able to get their attention, so you need to as well."

I just want to strangle her and her stupid haircut.  I'll never understand the logic behind how she thinks that being a bitch is going to get her what she wants from people.  I'd almost call her a bully the way she talks, not just to me but to everyone.  There's being straightforward, and then there's downright rude.  She's perhaps one of the rudest people I've ever met.  So how she is in a job like mine is beyond me, aside from the fact that I know that she's close with the building's owners and cannot be gotten rid of. 

I was in a pretty decent mood.  It got knocked down a few pegs when Tiffany bit my head off after I tried offering advice on how to discipline her kids, which I thought she had asked for last week.  Apparently she just wanted to complain about their misbehaving and have me listen without offering advice or solutions.  I didn't know that.  Then my mood started to get worse when an attorney who'd tried to book a conference room at the last minute last week for an important arbitration couldn't actually book a conference room because both were already booked invaded my personal space trying to see if the conference rooms were still booked, even after I told him they were.  There's a little step up into the space behind the front desk, where I sit.  People delivering packages sometimes trip on it trying to get to me to give me something to sign.  This guy steps right up next to me to see the conference room schedule.  Every.  Time.  I hate HATE that I'm so confrontation-averse because being that way also makes me feel weak and powerless when it comes to asserting myself and protecting my space.  I can't just ask him to step back because he's making me uncomfortable by coming back here.  I mean, I can.  I just don't want to have to do it.

And the phone has been ringing off the fucking hook this morning.  I'm really earning my $11.50/hour today.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

And So On and So Forth

Cleansing today, so the plan was just to lay low, which I did. Napped on and off. It was nice and cool all morning but the heat got pretty bad around 2. Interestingly, though, Meredi decided that she wanted to get the swamp cooler working today. I was unaware we had a functioning cooling system in this house. I helped Meredi a little to get it working, and now that it's on, it's quite comfortable in the house. I did a bunch of ab stuff once my room felt cool enough and now my middle muscles have quit working. So I must have done just enough work. That feels good. And now it's bedtime. I'm planning to cleanse tomorrow, too, because I ate a few mini candy bars and strands of Red Vines during the day today. I guess when it comes to food, my self-control goes right out the window. But the reason I want to keep going with this is that I'm noticing that the sides/backs of my thighs which had noticeable (to me) pockets of fat that are nearly gone now. And I've has two people tell me that my face looks thinner. So I'm going to keep it going until I leave for NC next Thursday. I said before that I don't know how much the cleanse is helping my exercise routine feel easier than usual, so I'm really apprehensive to stop now. Although I definitely have a touch of inflammation right under my knee. It feels like I've been kicked, like I should have a bruise, but it's certainly not a traumatic injury. So I iced it for awhile today. So it's off to noddyland for me. Gotta get ready for the aggravation of the week ahead.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

And Pleasantly Surprised I Am

Today was pleasant.  I would very much like to leave it at that.  I set my alarm to get up so that Z and I could go running before the heat really set in.  I got over there just after 10am.  We left around 10:30am, and got back around 11:30am, and went 3.16 miles.  We went further than the usual 1 mile point, to the area behind the Westminster Rec Center, where there's a pond for fishing.  We saw a huge fish that was sitting at the surface of the pond, that looked like a shark.  We'd brought a fruit roll-up for Z, and we sat with our feet in the water, talking and giggling while he ate it, and Phoenix played in the water, and then Z got in the water for a few minutes, and then went on our way.  I had an absolute blast.  It was completely wonderful.  After we got home, I sat and hung out with my mom and the kiddos while they swam in the kiddie-pool (and Grammy got sprayed in the face by an extremely misbehaved Z), and after they all had lunch and went down for naps, I took all three dogs to the dog park.  Poor Duke is so injured that we only stayed about 20 minutes, and I did the best I could so that he wouldn't be over-using his knees too much, but I am glad I took him and he and Lucky definitely had a good time.

We got home, and just relaxed for awhile before the kids got up.  After they got up, their dad was coming to get them, so we just sort of chilled for an hour while my mom got them ready and everything.  Then they left!  I sat with my parents, talking on the deck and having drinks for about 45 minutes before my little sister got there.  My dad usually has the job of cutting the vegetables for grilling, but to save my mom the extra work, I did that, and I was the one who ended up grilling the veggies and the steaks, and I did a great job!  Dinner was fantastic.  Both my sister and I stuck around talking after dinner was cleaned up and while our parents ran to the grocery store, just sitting outside talking.  The weather was amazing.  Hot, but perfect for the evening-time.  Phoenix and I got home a little under an hour ago.  I am totally exhausted.  I had enough energy to run 3 miles, and to go to the dog park, and to help with the kids and dinner, but I feel totally drained now.  I put off the cleanse until tomorrow, when  I am under no obligation to take anyone for a run/bike ride, and when I don't have to be around anyone with food or who needs anything from me.  I think it will work out better this way.  I'm considering getting up before or around dawn to go for a nice, cool, run so that I keep my conditioning up, but we'll see.  Maybe I'll set my alarm and see how I feel when I wake up to it.  I'm really motivated to keep my conditioning up and am worried that if I don't run tomorrow I'll really be feeling it on Tuesday.   But for certain, if I don't run tomorrow, I'll do a whole lot of resistance work in my bedroom.  Maybe it will be cooler.  But that's it for now.  Just.  Plain.  Happy.

Friday, July 22, 2011

TGI Friday What Fucking Ever

I think I have run out of patience.  I'm hoping this isn't altogether, or forever, because that will make the rest of my life exceedingly difficult.  But I know for sure it is for this week.  And unfortunately, I will have to continue to interact with humans during the course of the upcoming weekend.  So I will either replenish my reserves during whatever meager downtime I have over the weekend, or my head will explode.

I think it started out this morning, when I went to leave the house for work only to discover that Linda had once again placed a whole bunch of crap on the kitchen counter that Meredi had obviously just cleaned off.  This particular location seems to be the collective point for all of the things Linda is either to lazy to put away or has no place for.  My parents have a counter top like that.  When I notice that Meredi has recently done a big downstairs clean, I remove all objects of mine that seem askew or out of place, because I truly appreciate when she cleans down there, as I have neither the patience or the rationality to clean down there because I am not the one messing it up.  Neither is Meredi, and I have my own moments of compassion, but if Linda would just pick her goddamn stuff up after she initially sets it down there, or puts away the food she's purchased at the store, or replace the dog vitamin supplements in a non-visible location after using them, I wouldn't get so aggravated.  But she seems to have no sense of empathy for the fact that two other humans have to live in and around the messes she makes, and that it might be nice if she cleaned up after herself.  I am almost getting to the point of voicing my disgust over the state of our shared bathroom.  If I get one more of her long, black, nappy hairs stuck between my toes, I might lose it.

And then I got to work today.  I am supposed to arrive at 7:30am to allow time for myself to get the kitchen set up, and to make the three pots of coffee I am required to brew every day that I come into work.  It is nowhere in my job description that I am to let people into the building who are arriving for an 8am appointment with one of our tenants.  We have one tenant (the lady who complained about me previously) who has 8am meetings on a regular basis, and she has been told that it is not my job to man the desk and let people into the building for her meeting (which is not actually related to the business she runs here in the building), and that if she wants to be hospitable to her visitors, she needs to stand at the door to let them in.  It's not my job.  That wasn't this morning, though.  Another financial adviser had set up an 8am meeting with clients.  The door to the building automatically unlocks at 8am on the dot, every morning.  People relentlessly come up to the door (even people who work here on a daily basis!) and attempt to throw the door open (it doesn't latch), only to discover that it's still locked, and then either knock on the door or rummage around for their key-card to get into the building.  It's the early-arrivers that drive me nuts.  These clients tried the door at 7:57am, and I was so tempted to just sit there until the door unlocked and let them look at me and wonder why I'm not getting up to let them in.  There seems to be a simple solution to this problem, right?  Placement of a sign on the door that says that the doors don't unlock until 8am.  However, the building owners and my boss have agreed that a sign with that information on it might actually prove useful to those intending to cause harm, and therefore no sign has been placed.  One day, I really am going to just sit at the damn desk and watch people watch me, wondering why I'm not getting up to open the door for them.

One of the biggest points of annoyance for me at my job are the clients of one particular law firm.  I think I've previously bitched about this, but this week has been grating on my nerves to the point of raw.  This is one branch of a nation-wide law firm that specializes in divorces, further specializing in the male side of the divorce.  Almost all of their clients are men.  When a client looks to obtain counsel in a domestic matter, and they call this particular firm, they get the firm's corporate office.  It is through the corporate office that appointments are set up, not through this location.  Apparently what happens is that when corporate sets the appointments with the potential clients, they tell the clients to go to this building, and that the office is in suite 301.  However, the way the whole thing works is that new clients are requested to fill out informational paperwork before they are brought up to confer with the attorneys, and I am the one who has that paperwork.  But because the potential clients have been told to go to suite 301, they don't stop at the desk to check in with me.  I understand this dynamic, I really do.  In order to facilitate smoother operations in terms of this dynamic, I created a sign that sits on the counter of my desk informing visitors that if they have an appointment with this firm, to stop and check in with me first.  However, as they have not been receiving new clients in the last couple of months, and because my boss thinks the sign is too big (of course it's huge, I want them to SEE IT and READ IT before they walk past me, get lost in the building and have to come back and ask me where the hell 301 is since it doesn't have a number on the door), we've removed the sign.  Gloriously, this week has included a slew of new clients needing to fill out the paperwork, but no one from the law firm informed us at the desk of this, and so the sign has not been replaced.  I have had no less than three people walk past me today, go up to the third floor, walk around, and come back to ask me where they are supposed to be going.  What the hell.  When I walk into a building, wherein a reception desk is located literally AT THE ENTRANCE, I stop at the desk just in case I need to check in.  Out of courtesy, and intelligence.  It also doesn't help that these people, the clients, often have no idea what the name of the law firm is and so they come up to the desk and go, "I have an appointment with a lawyer," and then don't know the lawyer's name.  Guess what?  I have 13 attorneys in my building!  If you don't have a name or a company name, you're shit out of luck.  Because I'm a reasonably intelligent individual, I can usually glean from the minimal information I'm given which attorney or law firm the person is supposed to be meeting with, but if I weren't, WHEW these guys would be in trouble!  It's incredibly inefficient and ass-backwards.  It makes me look stupid and unprofessional when I have to ask questions.

This day has literally creeped by.  I have been bored out of my mind pretty much all day long.  I watched a couple of movies (The Big Lebowski, which as it turns out I hadn't actually seen all of), and Ghostbusters 2.  I have read and read and read what feels like just about anything of interest to me on the internet, I finished Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, and played about 12 games of Cubis.  I have a sort of work-buddy who is a paralegal for the only securities law attorney we have in the building, and she's really cool.  She's super nice, she's really compassionate, and she's totally sharp, and I love having conversations with her, for the most part.  But today, I have mostly just found her to be kind of annoying.  She's a pretty talkative lady, and usually I'm up for conversations about stupid people with her, but as the day has progressed, I have totally isolated myself because my mood has gotten so bad that I don't want to expose others to it.  Unfortunately, her boss left for the day at about 3pm, and as it is Friday afternoon, she is feeling overwhelmingly unmotivated (a feeling I more than share), but I just don't feel like talking.  And she does.  So I'm forced to converse.

So those are my points of contention for the day.  I know for a fact there will be more as I am going to my parents house for the evening and I am bound to be annoyed by something or everything there.  I'm still on the stupid cleanse, but I'm supposed to be doing a full cleanse tomorrow and as grumpy as it made me last time, I know it's going to be equally as bad this time and I'd really like to isolate, but unfortunately both of my sisters are working (a phrase I never thought I'd say) so I'm it for extra help for my parents with the kids.  So I'm assuming that's what I'll be doing for most of tomorrow.

Kill me now.  Suffice it to say, I'm not exactly looking forward to this weekend.  Hoping for a pleasant surprise.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Smile Thursdays

Man, today was exhausting.  I didn't get up until about 10:45 this morning, and didn't get over to my parents house until after 2pm.  I managed to make it over there during nap time.  It was HOT at that point, and Z was asleep, so I just sat and talked with my mom for a little while, and my dad for a little while before waking Z up to go for our run.  I got him up right about the same time a horrible smell permeated the house.  Turns out that was the baby, all the way downstairs in the back of the basement, having woken herself up with explosive diarrhea, the smell of which somehow made all the way up the stairs.  The poor baby is so sick.  She's still got a fever, she won't eat and she was getting fluids this morning, but wouldn't drink a thing after her nap.  We're hoping that she will wake up feeling better in the morning, assuming she sleeps, but that probably won't happen.  It's pretty concerning.

So Z and I had to wait to go for the run until after my mom was able to get everything cleaned up.  And the run was hard today!!  I felt so tired!  I have no idea why!  But with Z riding so far ahead of me, I had no choice but to try to keep up.  That's why I love taking him.  We didn't leave until after 3, though, and I had an appointment to get my Lupron shot at 4, so we were definitely late.  And I say we, because I brought the boys with me, because they wanted to see me get a shot and not cry.  They behaved SO WELL.  They whispered in the office, they were polite and sweet and cute.  They each got a sucker, and two stickers, and they suggested that I should get a sucker for not crying.  So I took one.  I was so proud of them.

We stopped at Target to find some Pedialite for the baby, and I let them take me up and down every single toy isle and show me all the cool stuff they wanted.  Then they proceeded to cross their arms over their chests  and proclaim how unfair it was that I wouldn't buy them any toys.  They actually were mad!  I found that pretty cute, and also slightly concerning, because my parents have pretty much been buying them toys every time they accompany them to the store for awhile now.  So maybe this was good for them.

We got home just in time for dinner, and in order to let my mom get the baby bathed and in bed without the boys in the way, I took them to Hobby Lobby.  I didn't actually NEED anything there, but I wanted to look for some stuff, and I figured it would be good to get them out of my mom's hair.

By the time we got home, I was so annoyed with them.  I just got tired of them asking me inane questions, I guess.  And hanging onto my legs.  I stuck around the house to get them in the bath, washed, and in jammies and watching their evening Justice League episodes before stories and bed.  I guess I was feeling very charitable towards my mom since my dad can't really help out much now that he's on crutches.  Although it was actually much nicer today that he was just sitting around, because the baby could just lay with him quietly and watch everything that was going on, since she had no energy to do anything else.

I made it home, finally, after 8, and sat and watched TV and did my ab workouts over the last couple of hours.  I need to get into the shower now, though.  Tomorrow's going to be a challenge, I think, because I am still following the cleanse, with two shakes a day and the supplements and the water and one meal, but it seems to be a lot more frustrating for me when I'm at work for whatever reason.  It's not like I sat there all day stuffing my face, and I sometimes didn't eat at all before this.  I think that my mind is just simply ON food right now, and not having it and not being able to attain it is upsetting me.

Otherwise, I feel pretty good.  I bought myself some sparkling water to make up for the lack of carbonated beverages I so love but cannot have, and dinner was small but satisfying (hot dogs - but Hebrew Nationals for me - and potato salad).  I feel like I helped my mom out a lot today and I feel really good about that.  I love spending time with the boys, and as hard as it can be to spend so much time with them and not get annoyed, I think I am getting better at having more patience with them, and I know that I have eons more patience with them than their mom has.  She yells at the drop of a hat.  I also got my workout in, which I needed, and the weather was pretty pleasant today.  No big complaints.  Now it's time for bed, and I'm going to need every ounce of virtue I have to get through tomorrow without killing someone or doing something to get myself fired.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Halfway There, With No Progress Made

You know what puts me in a bad mood?  When people do something or say something to me that makes me feel inadequate.  I just received such a phone call.  From my lady doctor's office.  I have an outstanding balance of $110.  I have an appointment to receive my Lupron shot tomorrow, which is a $40 charge.  I told the lady that I am working part-time, can't afford health insurance, and therefore cannot afford to pay the entire bill when I come in tomorrow.  She sounded like she didn't believe me.  I think it's the implication of the tone of the person's voice and how they talk to me, what they say that indicates to me that they think I'm being dishonest about something, that upsets me.  I have no intention of not paying my bill!  I've paid all my previous bills before!  I don't think she has any reason not to trust me. 

I'm one of those people who is exceptionally trusting of everyone, especially strangers.  I have a little voice in the back of my mind telling me not to trust everyone, but that's the voice of my other, telling me in a not-so-subtly-sarcastic way to be skeptical.  If it were up to me, I'd trust everyone implicitly.  However, I've been taught that I can't.  It seems like there are people in the world who do not trust anyone, at all, under any circumstances.  It is those people that have the capability of making me feel uncomfortable.  This incongruity between my standpoint on trust and the rest of the world's standpoint on trust is what ultimately makes me unhappy.  I just want other people to KNOW without me having to tell them or prove it, that I'm trustworthy.

So now my mood is not so good.  It's not that it was good to begin with, it's just not any better, and just a little bit worse now.  I forgot to bring hard-boiled eggs with me to work, and I only drank half the shakes for today.  My appetite is affecting my mood.  And after discovering the lack of weight loss yesterday, I am nearly positive I am giving up for now.  I can eat very healthily and still feel satiated.  I just worry that the cleanse is what is making running so much less painful for me.  So I guess we'll see.  I'm still planning to keep up the exercise routine.  When I go home today, I am going to totally relax.  I may or may not make myself a dinner of grilled chicken and peppers similar to what I made on Monday evening.  I really was thinking that I wanted to make a chicken philly cheese-steak-type sandwich for tonight, but I have no bread and do not feel like stopping to buy bread for that.  I only need two slices.  Or one roll.  Not entirely worth a whole trip to the store.  I could probably buy myself some other staple foods while I am there, but I am unwilling to part with the money I'd need to spend on that.  I'm feeling a little depressed right now, so I think I'm going to make a point to do things to make myself feel better this evening. 

Thank goodness today has gone by fairly quickly.  It's nearly 4pm, so I just need to hold out for one more hour and then I'm home free.  This having to work all the time sure sucks.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

SPF My Ass

I have several sunburns.  Today was hot as shit.  Actually it said it was only about 90, but it felt as though we were sitting near the surface of the sun.  I had planned to sit out in my backyard with a kiddie (doggie) pool full of water, and read Harry Potter today.  But before I could do that, Tiffany invited me to the pool at her apartment complex with her and her kiddos, so I went!  Apparently I did not apply enough sunscreen, though.  My forehead, nose, shoulder (yes, just the one), portions of my legs, and tops of my feet are all red.  And uncomfortable.  But I'll be okay.  I just get frustrated with myself for not being more careful.  Each sunburn means a decrease in the quality of my skin, and my skin is like elephant skin compared to Tiffany's.  But I had a great time, sitting and chatting with my friend, and playing in the pool with her kids.

I got back to my parents house, where I had left Phoenix around 4pm.  My dad had surgery this morning to remove a bone spur on his heel.  That man has surgery at least once a year!  And he's "hates" having surgery.  He doesn't like the anesthesia part of it.  But every single year!!  He has had surgery on all four of his arms/hands/legs/feet.  Today's surgery was a little more invasive, though, because he was anesthetized pretty deeply and had a bad reaction to it.  He threw up on the way home, my mom could hardly get him in the house, he was nauseated, had a headache, was cold, etc., etc.  He shouldn't have surgery anymore, as bad as it effects him.  Also, it turns out my little niece was really sick last night, with a fever of 104 and the docs told her dad that if she started throwing up to take her to the hospital, and she did, so they went.  My sister says she's okay now, but I'm still worried.

Anyway, I had a sandwich with my mom while it rained and thundered like crazy, and when it stopped, Phoenix and I left.  I ran the first mile in what I'd estimate to be about 11.5 minutes.  I say estimate, because I do time it, but I have to stop at a stoplight and two crosswalks.  We got to the one mile point and the lightning started looking really bright and sounding really close, so we hauled it back home as it started raining again.  The nice part about the storm was that it cooled things off really nicely, but the lightning was a little scary on the way home.  Lightning doesn't scare me.  If I get hit, I get hit.  When I was stung by the stingray, I made my peace with the fact that being struck is a possibility.  I feel like being struck by lightning is a bigger possibility for me than winning the lottery.  So, I wasn't actually worried about being hit, but I was worried for Phoenix.  He doesn't get scared by lightning and thunder, and didn't seem bothered at all by how close it was, but I don't want to lose him, and I certainly don't want to watch him get hit.  That would be horrible.  So I think I'm averaging a 12-minute mile, which is pretty great because a week ago I was dying after two miles.  I think I did it in 31 minutes or something.  I'm going to start challenging myself a little, by trying to run faster, and maybe run a little farther each day.  I need to change up the routine a little bit so this weekend I'm going to hit the stairs at Westminster City Park.  I still feel really good, though, which I'm really liking and I don't know what to attribute that to.  Except for my shoulders hurting, which is retarded since I do not use my shoulders to run.  That's not entirely true, since it's pretty much impossible for a human to run without moving their arms, but I'm not putting pressure on my shoulders in any way that I can figure out, so for them to hurt as though I've been lifting something too heavy is stupid.

I weighed again today, and haven't lost any weight, which is frustrating.  So I guess I really need to streamline for the coming week, and be absolutely certain I am following this program to a tee.  As though I haven't already.  But I need to be extra sure for the next seven days.  I remeasured, too, and it would appear I've lost about 7 inches total (half an inch here and there, a couple inches in the waist, half an inch in the fucking neck). I may not be measuring in exactly the same places though, so I don't trust that implicitly.  The only differences I've noticed are how tight my tummy actually feels, and that my bikini bottoms were rather loose today and had to be adjusted.  I don't SEE a difference, but it might be there.  Tiffany's been extremely supportive and helpful, which I think I probably need.  I'm glad I've got her to talk to about the program, and Kate to talk to about exercising.  It's a good dynamic.

I need to wrap up here so I can do my ab work and catch what looks like it could be an awesome show on the Investigation Discovery channel called True Grime - Crime Clean Up.  I still need to shower tonight, and I'm still dying of thirst so I have to try and drink like a whole lot more water, and now Linda's home so I have to figure out when to get into the damn bathroom around her selfish ass.

As Tuesdays go, this one wasn't bad at all.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Garfield's Mantra Starts to Make Sense

I think, if nothing else, I was as close to wanting to kill someone as I've ever been, today.  It was less facetiousness and more aggravation due to lack of food.  I was so unbelievably cranky by the time I got to work this morning.  Just plain in a bad, bad mood.  No compassion, no sense of humor, nothing.  I think it was partly because on Saturday, I wiped down my half of the counter in the bathroom with a Clorox wipe, only to wake up this morning to find it littered with Linda's fingernails.  As though it's not bad enough that her goddamn hair is all over the goddamn floor.  It gets stuck between my toes and that makes me want to throw up.  I can't begin to fathom her ignorance of her hair and nails all over the fucking bathroom.  I'm ridiculously aware of MY hair all over the place, and it drives me up the wall, and my hair is nearly invisible unless I'm wearing black.  So between the fingernails and the fact that I turned my alarm off at 6:12am exactly the MOMENT she shut the bathroom door.  She doesn't work!  What the hell is she doing up at 6:12am on a Monday morning??!

I found myself continually irritated at work this morning and having to work extra hard to put a smile on my face for the people walking in the door.  So I decided that the best thing to do was to sit and watch movies all day.  I decided on horror.  So I watched The Crazies, Paranormal Activity, and something called Let Me In, which I didn't finish.  That definitely helped, although when I finally left work and got outside and into traffic, the irritation just bubbled right back up.

I'm nearly positive that the reason for my intense agitation was the cleanse yesterday.  Not eating made me angry, I think.  So I had to deal with both that, and the accompanying feelings of dread in continuing the cleanse through August.  I had a major problem making my decision today, but I think I'm going to just stick with it, one day at a time until I wake up one day and decide I don't want to do it anymore.  I'm going to keep exercising, because I have discovered that when it doesn't hurt like hell to run and be active almost every day, it's not so bad.  Hopefully I can keep that up.

I had a delicious dinner tonight.  I grilled a chicken breast, with nothing on it but pepper, and literally about 1lb of veggies - red peppers, yellow peppers, orange peppers, onions, mushrooms, and carrots.  I threw a couple tablespoons of butter, a couple teaspoons of minced garlic, a sprinkle of salt and pepper and VIOLA!  Oh it was so delicious.  I would eat that every day.  My dad taught me well.  That's his recipe for grilled veggies and it is amazing.  I feel SO much better after having eaten.  I had my two shakes and two hard-boiled eggs today, along with a donated slimcake from the beeyotch that complained about me whom I discovered is also a major advocate of the cleanse.  She's uptight as shit but she's also not too bad.  I feel better now.

And Weeds and The Big C are on, and Conan is new tonight, plus it's hot as shit so I'm going to get into bed and try to be still enough for awhile to cool off.  Maybe today isn't so bad....

Sunday, July 17, 2011

First Cleanse. Success?

Holy cow I am tired.  I got up before 9am today, went to my parents house, got Z and took him on my two-mile run.  We stopped at the bridge and played in the water for about 15 minutes and then turned around and went back.  He did really well!  I'm not surprised, because he did incredibly well on Thursday, too.  It's just kind of refreshing to be able to do something with him and not have it be a big song and dance.

After we got home, I had to spend a few minutes rehydrating and drying off because I was literally DRIPPING with sweat, and then I took Phoenix and Lucky to the dog park.  That was HOT.  Lucky was thrilled, Phoenix was kind of over the whole thing after having been on the run, but I love being there so we stayed for about 45 minutes.  When we got home, the kids were playing on a slip'n'slide that had a little pool at the end, and Z wanted to show me how he could go down it, and then it was lunchtime and the game was on.  So I sat and watched everyone eat and drooled over the food that I couldn't eat because I'm cleansing today.  I have actually done really well with the cleanse, I'm surprised.  I only just now had a major craving that I had to allow to pass.  I can eat again tomorrow.  I just fell asleep and I seem to be really hungry when I wake up in the afternoon and it's hot.

Tomorrow night I'm going to have grilled chicken and veggies for dinner, and I'm looking forward to it.  A lot.  Trying to visualize how healthy my cells are getting.  It's not working too well, but it's all I've got.  Once I finish today's writing I'm going to do some pushups and ab stuff and then hop in the shower and get into bed so I can stop thinking about all the delicious solid food I can't eat.  I'm not sure this is worth it...

Oh, I'm pretty disappointed about the outcome of the Women's World Cup final today - US vs. Japan.  I feel like the US dominated the game, and it was just a fluke that Japan scored at all.  And then the penalty shots were a disaster.  Pure luck that the Japanese keeper got a foot on the first one, and totally unbelievable that Carly Lloyd missed the second shot.  After how well they played, I feel like second place is a gyp.  Not fair.

Okay, I need to get going on my way to bed.  I'm going nuts not being able to eat.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

It's Hot Out There for a Pimp

Welp, it's almost 11pm and it's hot.  I guess it was in the upper 90's today.  I was able to mostly stay pretty cool.  Phoenix and I didn't get going until about 2pm today, although I got up at 11am.  I just didn't feel like doing anything until 2 I guess.  We went to my parents house right as the kids were getting up from their naps.  I had promised Z he could go on my run with me again today, and he was like REALLY looking forward to it, but apparently my sister was taking all the kids to a barbecue after she got done with work, so I couldn't take him.  They all left, and Phoenix and I did the run, where the stopping point is a bridge that goes over the creek, actually a continuation of the creek that runs behind my parents house.  Phoenix actually had to swim a little because of the extreme heat and a misestimation of the depth of the water.  I was really proud!!  I took my shoes and socks off to try to cool off with him, but the water was pretty warm, so I sat with my feet in the water for a few minutes, and a tiny crayfish crawled over my foot.  I sat there for a little while longer and watched the multi-sized crayfish swim around.  They're cute, and they look yummy.  Made me want to eat some shrimp.

We ran home, and sat talking with my family until dinner, ate dinner, and then went with the family to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.  I was really pleased, although I haven't read the 7th book in about a year so I know I was missing some details, but from that perspective, I thought it was really good.  I thought it hit most of the really important details.  And I didn't cry!!  I teared up a couple of times, but I composed myself.  I'm actually really proud of myself for not crying - it means that I'm learning how to gain control over my emotions.  Next step - not crying during the actual ceremony at Kate's wedding.  Oh, and we saw the movie in 3D on the IMAX screen.  It was fantastic!!  I'm not big on seeing movies in 3D now that that's a thing, but this was really awesome.  I was impressed.

I promised Z I would take him on the run tomorrow instead, because he was SO disappointed when he got back from the barbecue and I wasn't home.  So in order to attempt to beat the heat tomorrow, we're going to go in the AM, and then I'm going to take Phoenix and Lucky to the dog park.  Then the US women's game is on, so I'm hoping to make it through all that stuff before the game so I can go home and crash.  I'm cleansing tomorrow so I'm a little nervous about my energy levels for the run, but I know that if I can go home and do nothing for the later part of the day tomorrow I'll be okay.

So now it's time for bed since I need to get going on the early side tomorrow morning.  But, ahhh.  I'm feeling pretty satisfied.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Hurty Shoes = Pretty Feet

Not much to write about today.  Been bored at work, but the time has gone by pretty quickly, thank God.  I got to talk to Kate for awhile this morning, which was nice.  Today's her birthday.

I'm still on my diet/cleanse thingy, and I'm doing well.  I've kept to the prescribed schedule and foods and shakes and supplements pretty well, and I'm having a sandwich tonight for dinner while the rest of my family eats pizza.  I'm not huge on pizza, so it's not that big a deal to me.

I got paid today, but it's almost $150 less than my usual checks because I didn't work on the 4th of July.  I think I should be okay, though, because I still have a little bit of money saved from the student loans.  I should be able to make it another month until school starts with relatively no problem.  Hopefully.

I wore my new purple heels to work today to break them in.  They hurt!  They're platforms, so they're not very flexible, but they're damn cute and they match this shirt I'm wearing perfectly.  I had a hard time standing on them for half an hour this morning so I'm not sure how the crap I'll do on them for Kate's wedding, but I will bring some backup shoes just in case, and keep the heels for pictures and the ceremony and stuff.  I do so love my purple heels!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

No Severe Thunderstorms Today! (at least in my areas)

Again, physically exhausted.  Another two mile run today, but this time with Z on his little bike.  It was good to bring him along, and a good motivator for me to try to keep up with him so that I could keep him safe.  I still ended up dragging ass towards the end, but he understood.  I told him he could go with me again on Saturday when I go.  But I'm flipping tired!  I had a hard time sleeping last night because for whatever reason my shoulder hurt.  And I seem to carry all my tension from running in my lower back and traps.  That's where I'm sore from running yesterday.

Today was a little emotionally stressful, just as the last two days have been.  I've been doing really well at letting things sort of just run off my back and not dwelling on them, but that doesn't make them any less of a stress, really.  They're still there.  I finally got to talk to Kara today, who has been trying to get a hold of me for about a week now.  Turns out her mom and stepdad were in a really bad car accident after meeting Kara and her husband in Las Vegas.  Kara asked her mom to take her cat, since they live in a small apartment and already have two dogs, so Kara's mom and stepfather drove out to Las Vegas to meet Kara and her husband and get the cat, and on the way home, they got in a really bad accident.  Kara's mom broke a whole bunch of bones and her stepdad had a major head injury and the car was absolutely wrecked.  The cat hasn't been seen since.  I didn't really know what to say, aside from I'm so sorry, and be as supportive as I can be.  It just makes me want to fly out there just to give her a hug if nothing else.  She's handling it really well considering the extent of the trauma, but I wish I could do something more to be there for her.  I feel terrible.

So I talked with her for awhile, tried to help her get her mind on other things (read: my current inability to make important decisions [OCS]).  Ex-friend Jen is out there visiting starting today, so that's why I called her this morning instead of this evening, since I didn't actually call her when I said I was going to last night.  Anyway, I'm really glad I got to talk to her.   I miss her a lot.

I did at one point get SUPER annoyed and bitchy at my parents house.  I need to have protein in my one meal a day and I got some chicken breasts out of the freezer to add to my quesadilla for dinner, and my mom got all frustrated because they were frozen solid and she thought it would take about another hour for me to thaw and cook them (I did it in half an hour, thank you very much) and I got annoyed with my stupid sister because she is stupid and a bitch and a brat and cannot shut her mouth to save her life (seriously, sometimes I wish she'd be kidnapped just to see if her kidnappers would kill her for not shutting up or just give her back out of annoyance).  But I felt a lot better after running, which I knew would help a lot.

I, however, need to get some substantial sleep tonight to make it through 9.5 hours of pure boredom and annoyance tomorrow, so I am stopping here.  Phoenix is adorable and I love him.  I will need to start putting that at the end of all my posts for emphasis.  He's hilarious, aside from possibly nipping some guy on the run tonight.  He just gets confused!  When someone is running or riding a bike near us, he thinks they're playing and so he nips at them.  Oops.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Out of Titles

I'm pretty tired.  Physically, not like I want to go to sleep.  I went on a two-mile run tonight and I am incredibly out of shape.  Like, ridiculously, badly out of shape.  It took me half an hour to run two miles.  Granted, I had to stop every now and then to hang on to Phoenix because he's goofy when people run or bike by.  We got to the mile point and stopped so Phoenix could play in the creek a bit, and so I could catch my breath.  But when you're running distance, you're not supposed to stop.  I did.  Maybe that's what made it harder.  I'm going to try it again tomorrow though.

I got up this morning to watch the US women's soccer game against France, which they won.  It was an interesting game, but not nearly as edge-of-the-seat as the Brazil game.  Good, though.  It definitely pumps me up.  Meredi has a friend staying with us today and tomorrow, and I didn't realize she was still around today and I was yelling at the TV and talking to the dogs and to myself, and then I saw she was here and was kind of embarrassed.  I apologized for being a total nutcase to her, but I'm not really that sorry.  So I talk to myself and the dogs.  I am not really embarrassed, either.  It's my house.  I can do whatever I want.

I had a lot of energy this morning.  This diet/cleanse program includes a drink that is loaded with naturally occurring energy-boosters and vitamin B, and I probably should have run after I drank it this morning.  But I definitely felt energized.  I ran some errands and came back home, ate lunch and took a nap.  Then I went to my parents house to go for the run, and hang out until the kiddos got there.  Apparently my sister got into it with her ex-husband because she picked the kids up after her domestic violence class today instead of having him drop off the kids at 5 like usual.  She started talking about how her ex was on his way to pick up his girlfriend or whatever from the airport and how hurt she was that he said anything to her about it, and then she started talking about how he threatened to "screw your parents even more" for whatever reason, and H piped up with his usual "Papa G choked Nanny," that he seems to like to repeat.  I can tell that it hurts my dad so much when he says that, and so I told H not to say that anymore, and then I sat down with him to tell him not to listen if Nanny talks about it anymore.  He has a hard time listening, so a few minutes later when he and Z were in the bath, I asked him what I said and he didn't remember.  So I talked with them for a little while about the whole thing, and Z said he was pretty confused about it.

I'm so sick of this bullshit.  I can't believe how contentious the divorce has become, although I shouldn't be surprised.  As batshit crazy as my sister is and as big an asshole and immature as her ex is, this is the only way it could go.  Those poor kids need to be in therapy though, and soon, if we have any hope of them turning out without any major emotional issues.  I'm going to ask the therapists in my office for some referrals and do some research on Friday while I'm at work.

And it turns out that while one of my best friends is about to get married for the second time, another best friend is pregnant for the third time.  And I'm not even finished with college.  I think I'm happy for them both, but it just makes me feel like I'm either not doing anything important with my life, or I didn't bloom early enough, or something.  It just reinforces my wonderful feelings of inadequacy in life.  At the same time, I am really thankful that I have the freedom and independence to sleep in on my days off and that I don't have anyone to check in with or fight with about stuff.  I think the latter part, about my autonomy, is more important to me at this point than the feelings of inadequacy.  As I get closer to graduating, and making some serious decisions about what direction to take my life in to find a rewarding and interesting career, my independence becomes more and more important to me.  And after my short-lived romance with Writer Guy, I can't feel sorry for myself for not finding a partner.  If I weren't so picky, or if I were as desperate as I thought I was, I wouldn't have rejected him for my independence.  I made the choice not to be in a relationship because I value my autonomy so much.  And so these big life decisions that my closest friends are making aren't so much making me think about my shortcomings as making me really glad that I've made the decisions I've made.  The lives that they lead are not the lives for me.  I couldn't be a parent.  I couldn't be getting married right now.  Those things are not right for me, at least not right now.  So I don't feel all that bad for myself.

I do, however, have a nasty headache.  I'm pretty sure it's from running, but I don't think it's from dehydration.  I've had so much water today I should be floating around.  I also need to take a shower because my own stench is pretty bad and I also need to make an important phone call to a friend I haven't spoken to in quite awhile who keeps trying to get a hold of me, and I need to write a nice letter to another friend.  So I'm wrapping up here.  Tomorrow is another day.  A day to eat, drink, and run.  I may be able to force some ab work out of myself tonight, too.  We'll see.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I Hate Tuesdays, Tuesdays Smell Like Fish!

I simply must take a moment to vent about my disdain for my boss.  Let me qualify what I want to say with a few positive things first: she's a perfectly nice lady.  She's generous.  She's friendly and has excellent people skills.  The day when she had to discipline me because a tenant had complained about me, she was really nice and broke it to me gently.  I've had many a good conversation with her, and overall, I have a pretty positive opinion of her.  But man, she has NO LIFE.  When she talks to me, she tells me things about her life that I could care less about.  The last two days, all she has talked about is the rain.  "We're getting so much rain," "I hope I make it back before it rains," "Looks like the rain is coming in," like the weather we've been having is the most exciting thing in her life!  I hope to GOD that I have more interesting things to talk to people about when I get older.  I also sincerely hope that I will not be in property management.  She stands here and talks to me at the desk for ten or twenty minutes at a time some days, about NOTHING.  I am really starting to both get good at feigning interest, and having a hard time continuing to feign interest in what she is saying.  I have interesting conversations with other people, but she is one of the people I just can't stand talking to.  I can hear when she comes into the building (because she parks out back and uses the back door to come in), and when she comes up the stairs, I just dread having to sit and hold a conversation with her.  She has the most boring life.  And she has a shopping problem.  She's always telling me what she bought on her most recent shopping trip (read: the day before), and how she got such a great deal on it, and blah, blah, blah!  She obviously has money to spend, and I have a hard time talking with her about that stuff because I can't imagine having money to spend on such trivial items since I spend my money on things I have need for.  I can't imagine the last time I went shopping just because I had money to spend.  On whatever.  I think she's lonely, and I think she sort of thinks of me as a daughter-type person because I'm the same age as her daughter, who is in Portland, Oregon right now, so she's extra nice to me.  But boy some days I just can't take listening to her!  And she's kind of a snob, too.  She's always complaining to me about the decisions other people are making.  And I'm a pretty judgmental bitch most of the time, but she's so much worse.  I have to pretend I understand and sympathize with what she's talking about usually.  Ugh.  It's wearing on me, being ingenuine with her.

I am in a much better mood today.  I slept really, really well - I don't remember waking up a whole bunch of times to turn over in bed or readjust or cover Phoenix with the blanket.  I am a little congested, though, which annoys me because there's pretty much nothing worse than being sick during the summer.  I am pretty tired of having to blow my nose every five minutes.  I think my dreams must have been really pleasant last night because I keep getting flashes of feelings of contentedness or tranquility or happiness, although I don't remember specifics of my dreams from last night.  I think there was a hotel and an elevator.  When I try to remember what my dreams from last night, I again just feel happy and content.  I like that.  It doesn't happen that way very often.

I started my diet thing today.  I've had some difficult moments, but I'm pretty used to not eating and snacking at work, so it hasn't been too bad.  I am excited for dinner, though.  My dad picked up Phoenix today and so I am going straight to their house after work and he's cooking one of his specialties - beer-can chicken.  It's a whole grilled chicken, cooked standing upright on a stand that holds a can of beer.  The beer marinates and permeates the meat as it heats up and it's moist and delicious.  Tonight he's making it spicy, and I love spicy food.  I'm probably going to have some trouble keeping my portions down, but I'm not going to be overzealous about it.  I plan to eat until I'm full, and that is usually around 600 calories, I'd guess.  I called my dad earlier to tell him I was coming over for dinner, and he told me that he picked up Phoenix, but then had to leave the house, and when he came home, Phoenix was sitting in the front yard.  I don't know how long my dad was gone, but this is not the first time Phoenix has left the house and been back home before the humans returned.  My dad thinks he probably opened the gate because it wasn't latched and tried to find someone to hang out with.  He may have gone on a bit of an adventure, sniffing the neighbors lawns and whatnot, but he came back.  He's smart like that.  And there's just enough separation anxiety still in him that he wants to be with me or my parents if at all possible, so he'll never go too far.  I sure do love him a lot!  And it's been awhile since he's done something silly like that.  I wonder what was going through his mind...

Tomorrow is no work.  I can't decide whether to sleep in and watch the US Women's soccer team play France while I'm still in bed, or if I should get up early - super early, like 5 or 6am early - go for a run while there's no one out and then come home and watch the game and nap later.  I'm thinking the latter, but when it's early in the morning and I try to wake up but don't HAVE to be up, I have a lot of trouble motivating myself to get up anyway.  Unless I just wake up on my own, without an alarm.  Then it's much easier to get up and do stuff.  So, we'll see.  I'm not going to stress over it.  I'll find a time to do some running tomorrow, whether it's in the evening rain or the afternoon heat. 

I've been super bored at work today.  I watched The American President, which is a great movie, and I've read more of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (yup, still on book one and the 2nd part of Deathly Hallows comes out on Friday, oh well), and just screwed around on the internet most of the day.  But it's almost time to go home, and it's raining again.  I may just read for the next half hour if I can.  I'm overall feeling pretty relaxed today, aside from the annoyance I'm feeling towards my boss.  Also, my makeup and hair look pretty good today even though I feel like a slob.  So that's good.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Monday, Thou Comest With Force!

I have been annoyed most of the day.  Not with any one person in particular, just in general.  I've done a really good job at hiding my annoyance from tenants and clients at work, thank God, but I am definitely ready to go home.  I actually have one of the top five worst headaches I've ever had in my life right now.  I normally try to go home and hang out with my puppy for awhile, make sure that he knows I'm aware that he spent the day at home.  But I think I am actually going to have to lie down for awhile when I get home.  And that means I'm missing free slurpy day!  I don't have a 7-11 near my house or even on my way home.  Boo.

I had planned to make myself a batch of unbelievably delicious guacamole for dinner, but that may have to wait, now, too, even though I'm starving and Kate got to have Chipotle today in North Carolina (they are just opening one up by where she lives) and I am so jealous.  I took 800mg of ibuprofen and I think it's starting to kick in, but I know my headaches well enough to know that one of this magnitude is not going to go away before 6pm. 

And it's raining.  Again.  I don't mind it one bit, except that Phoenix goes out and runs around in the mud, barking at Jasmine, the neighbor dog, and then comes in all muddy-pawed and gets mud everywhere.  On the carpet, on my bed, IN my bed, just all over the place, and it irritates me to no end.  I also need to start working out this week when I start the diet (assuming the materials were delivered to my house today), and the best time of day to run is either really early morning (I'm talking 5am) or evening, but it's been raining every single evening for over a week now.

I had some anxiety during the day because I had to break to Anna that I won't need Fridays off for class - oh yeah!  I forgot to record this!  I re-emailed the professor of the Advanced Osteology class I wanted to take on Friday, and he actually got back to me really quickly, but his reply was short and impolite.  He said that it's a graduate course and the remaining seats are reserved for grad students.  I don't want to mess with him, even though I am really good at being obnoxious when I want something badly enough, but it actually accommodates my work schedule better if I don't have class on Fridays.  That means I can be in class all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is nice because there are actually classes scheduled for just those two days each week.  I've already enrolled in a couple of Criminology-based Sociology courses and re-enrolled in my anatomy lab, so basically, credit-wise, I'm all set to graduate at the end of the fall.  Done and done.  So at least that feels good.  Anyway, I had to tell Anna that I'd rearranged my schedule AGAIN, and I expected a huge hissy fit from her, even though she didn't want to have to work on Fridays anyway, but she was really cordial about it.  And thus my anxiety about my fall work schedule is relieved.

Okay, my head is hurting from looking at this bright screen in this dark building.  I'm going to squeak out of here 5 minutes early since my boss is gone, I think.  Maybe I'll just stop and get food at some drive thru somewhere with my last remaining dollars...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

More Brainstorms (and Thunderstorms)

I have the hardest time making the simplest decisions.  I often know what I want to do, but I always try to explore other options before actually making a decision; especially if the decision I'm trying to make is going to have a variety of effects.  The only thing that has been on my mind for the last two days, at least, is OCS.  I know next to nothing about the military, although I suppose I have a little more knowledge than some others.  I know that I'd have to really devote much of the next perhaps ten years (Navy OCS requires a 3-5 year commitment) of my life to the military.  I'm not sure I want to do that.  I've always been extremely attached to my autonomy and independence (excepting the couple of years I was attached to Brian) and the military will really make it hard for me to make my own decisions - the important ones.  But the problem is that I can't think of a better way to put my intelligence to work.  I like to think of myself as exceptionally sharp, and being an officer for the military would use my observational skills and problem-solving skills and intelligence really well.  It would be a fantastic stepping stone for an absolute plethora of other career options, the most interesting being jobs with the FBI, DEA, ATF, US Marshals and maybe even the CIA.  It's stable work, and it's good money.  I will never want for money ever again, and it's a great way to ensure that.  But is it worth giving up my autonomy?

Yes, I could go to graduate school.  But I just can't really justify doing it that way.  I have no plans to be in research for the rest of my life, I don't want to change the field of forensics or criminology by developing new theory or new forensics techniques.  I want to be out in the field, doing things to catch bad guys.  I definitely would rather be doing things with decomposition of human bodies and forensic pathology and forensic anthropology, but that's graduate school stuff without a guarantee of money or career.

I'm just lost.  I don't know how to make the right decision for me.  I'm terrified of being in the military.  I'm the laziest person I know.  I hate not having free time to myself.  I don't think the military would be conducive to my getting to spend as much time with Phoenix as I want to and as much as he needs.  Obviously I have quite a lot of time to make this decision, at least until December, but I want to make sure I'm looking at it from all angles.

I'm definitely biased because I have so many people in my life who are involved with the military in some way, but it's really hard for my family to grasp this possibility, especially my mom, even though she grew up in the military.  She is worried that I'll do something to screw it up.  In fact, she's still skeptical that I'm going to graduate from college.  Which upsets me a little.  But I have given her no reason to trust that I can conquer the mental illness that I use as an excuse to be a lazy-ass (which I'm pretty sure is how she sees me).

Something that I'm looking at with the military is that it really breaks families apart.  I am so ridiculously close to my family.  I spend a whole lot of time with my parents - way more than just about anyone else my age.  If I join the military, that will be my final departure from the family that I have come do depend on.  While I appreciate my family so very much, and I know that I owe them so much, I feel like they still see me as a little kid.  I think that's why I am so often surprised when I make a grown-up decision or do something responsible.  And they treat me like I am a child in many aspects.  I understand that it's hard for a parent to realize their child's adulthood, and I haven't made it any easier for them to let that perspective of me go because I have needed them so much over the last 5 years.  But it's time.

My brain is still going, but I need to get ready for bed, so I'm going to stop here.  Maybe I will be able to work more of it out in the coming days.  As I see it now, I've pretty much already decided on what I WANT to do, it's just a matter of making sure it's the right thing for me.