Sunday, July 3, 2011

Alone = Worries

I'm really lonely.  I've come to this realization over the last few days while I'm trying to come up with something to do for the 4th of July.  If you're alone on the 4th of July, you're pretty much as pathetic as one can be.  The 4th of July is a holiday that is meant to be spent in solidarity, celebrating the independence of America 235 years ago (or however many years ago).  I have no one to do anything with.  It's not for lack of trying, but I maybe am just not important enough to anyone to make plans with.

I think it's been a long-ass time coming to this.  I've been isolating myself further and further for the last few years so that I don't have to do anything with anyone, spend time with others.  Mostly, I really love my alone time, and it helps that I don't get invited to do much because then I don't have to feel guilty for saying no thank you.  I do occasionally get invited to do something, and sometimes I even say yes, and I generally enjoy whatever it is that I've agreed to do.  I just wish I had more opportunities I guess.

It's occurring to me that I've adopted a really sedentary lifestyle, and I got it from my parents.  They don't go out and do ANYTHING, EVER.  They spend every weekend during the summer in the backyard, reading and talking and gardening.  They don't hike, or go camping, or visit places or do anything.  I've come to be exactly the same way, and I think I probably don't like it.  I've never been someone who loves hiking, and I'm okay with that.  But I wouldn't mind going camping every single weekend, or rafting, or rock-climbing, or anything that I could bring Phoenix with me to do.

I just finished watching 127 Hours, and it's a pretty good movie.  Kind of inspirational, in a backwards kind of way.  The guy, Aron, in it, is solitary, like me.  When he goes out to do stuff, he goes by himself.  My friend that I had drinks with last night, he is kind of the same way.  He said he just spend 4 days out in Utah.  I am terrified of going out into the wilderness and doing things all by myself.  I'm afraid I'll get into a situation that I am unable to get out of.  I'm afraid I'll get lost, or hurt, or something.  These fears are pretty much unfounded, too, because I've never been in a situation where I've been out and gotten hurt or lost or sick or anything.  But I've also never done anything like that by myself - I've always been with at least one other person.

And what sucks is that I don't have one other person to go do stuff with.  Not one.  I have ideas for people to invite to go with me, but either they say they want to go and then don't follow up with me, or they just plain don't want to go.  I want to go camping.  I want to go exploring, and climbing, and get dirty for a few days, and not watch TV or think about the state of my life or the country or the world.  I want to just immerse myself in nature for a little while and come back refreshed and ready to take on the shit that seems to seek me out on a daily basis.  I totally could go by myself, but I'm scared.  And that fear is enough to keep me safely at home and semi-unhappy.

I've been struggling with the decision for what I'm going to try to do after I graduate, and I think I have come to a conclusion.  I think that if I can get accepted into the Peace Corps, I have to do it.  I'll never take a risk like that on my own if I don't start somewhere, and that's a good place to start.  It will place me in very unfamiliar territory, and teach me to be unfearful and self-sufficient.  I'll hopefully meet other people who are like me and that I can maybe keep a connection with for the rest of my life.

I was thinking about my aloneness today, and how it seems to be good for me.  I'm not talking about the aloneness that makes it impossible for me to do things like going camping, but the aloneness that renders me single - unmarried.  In all the time that I've been single, I've maintained a decent and healthy weight.  It is when I am struggling with the emotions that come along with a romantic relationship that I put on weight and become unhappy with my appearance.  Right now, I'm just fine with how I look.  In fact, I think I look pretty good.  I feel like my confidence in my appearance and therefore overall has gone up in spades since deciding not to actively seek out a relationship.  I do plan to partake in a rather drastic one-month diet plan in the next week or so, but after that, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be really happy with my appearance.  And when I'm happy with my appearance, I feel like I can conquer the world.

My brain is certainly active this evening.  There's a 4th of July celebration for the city of Lafayette at Waneka Lake, which is literally two blocks away from my house.  I really want to go and see what is going on.  I just don't want to go alone and the people I've asked to join me have not told me if they want to tag along.  I may just go by myself.  I'm perfectly capable of doing things by myself - but here's my concern.  I want to sign up for the pie-eating contest, but then who will hang out with Phoenix while I'm doing that?  And perhaps that is the existential question that arises in every human's struggle with aloneness.  I just never thought it'd me mine.

Time for a big ol' glass of ice-cold champagne and another movie.  What the hell?  If I'm going to be alone, I might as well enjoy myself.

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