Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Out of Titles

I'm pretty tired.  Physically, not like I want to go to sleep.  I went on a two-mile run tonight and I am incredibly out of shape.  Like, ridiculously, badly out of shape.  It took me half an hour to run two miles.  Granted, I had to stop every now and then to hang on to Phoenix because he's goofy when people run or bike by.  We got to the mile point and stopped so Phoenix could play in the creek a bit, and so I could catch my breath.  But when you're running distance, you're not supposed to stop.  I did.  Maybe that's what made it harder.  I'm going to try it again tomorrow though.

I got up this morning to watch the US women's soccer game against France, which they won.  It was an interesting game, but not nearly as edge-of-the-seat as the Brazil game.  Good, though.  It definitely pumps me up.  Meredi has a friend staying with us today and tomorrow, and I didn't realize she was still around today and I was yelling at the TV and talking to the dogs and to myself, and then I saw she was here and was kind of embarrassed.  I apologized for being a total nutcase to her, but I'm not really that sorry.  So I talk to myself and the dogs.  I am not really embarrassed, either.  It's my house.  I can do whatever I want.

I had a lot of energy this morning.  This diet/cleanse program includes a drink that is loaded with naturally occurring energy-boosters and vitamin B, and I probably should have run after I drank it this morning.  But I definitely felt energized.  I ran some errands and came back home, ate lunch and took a nap.  Then I went to my parents house to go for the run, and hang out until the kiddos got there.  Apparently my sister got into it with her ex-husband because she picked the kids up after her domestic violence class today instead of having him drop off the kids at 5 like usual.  She started talking about how her ex was on his way to pick up his girlfriend or whatever from the airport and how hurt she was that he said anything to her about it, and then she started talking about how he threatened to "screw your parents even more" for whatever reason, and H piped up with his usual "Papa G choked Nanny," that he seems to like to repeat.  I can tell that it hurts my dad so much when he says that, and so I told H not to say that anymore, and then I sat down with him to tell him not to listen if Nanny talks about it anymore.  He has a hard time listening, so a few minutes later when he and Z were in the bath, I asked him what I said and he didn't remember.  So I talked with them for a little while about the whole thing, and Z said he was pretty confused about it.

I'm so sick of this bullshit.  I can't believe how contentious the divorce has become, although I shouldn't be surprised.  As batshit crazy as my sister is and as big an asshole and immature as her ex is, this is the only way it could go.  Those poor kids need to be in therapy though, and soon, if we have any hope of them turning out without any major emotional issues.  I'm going to ask the therapists in my office for some referrals and do some research on Friday while I'm at work.

And it turns out that while one of my best friends is about to get married for the second time, another best friend is pregnant for the third time.  And I'm not even finished with college.  I think I'm happy for them both, but it just makes me feel like I'm either not doing anything important with my life, or I didn't bloom early enough, or something.  It just reinforces my wonderful feelings of inadequacy in life.  At the same time, I am really thankful that I have the freedom and independence to sleep in on my days off and that I don't have anyone to check in with or fight with about stuff.  I think the latter part, about my autonomy, is more important to me at this point than the feelings of inadequacy.  As I get closer to graduating, and making some serious decisions about what direction to take my life in to find a rewarding and interesting career, my independence becomes more and more important to me.  And after my short-lived romance with Writer Guy, I can't feel sorry for myself for not finding a partner.  If I weren't so picky, or if I were as desperate as I thought I was, I wouldn't have rejected him for my independence.  I made the choice not to be in a relationship because I value my autonomy so much.  And so these big life decisions that my closest friends are making aren't so much making me think about my shortcomings as making me really glad that I've made the decisions I've made.  The lives that they lead are not the lives for me.  I couldn't be a parent.  I couldn't be getting married right now.  Those things are not right for me, at least not right now.  So I don't feel all that bad for myself.

I do, however, have a nasty headache.  I'm pretty sure it's from running, but I don't think it's from dehydration.  I've had so much water today I should be floating around.  I also need to take a shower because my own stench is pretty bad and I also need to make an important phone call to a friend I haven't spoken to in quite awhile who keeps trying to get a hold of me, and I need to write a nice letter to another friend.  So I'm wrapping up here.  Tomorrow is another day.  A day to eat, drink, and run.  I may be able to force some ab work out of myself tonight, too.  We'll see.

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