Sunday, July 10, 2011

More Brainstorms (and Thunderstorms)

I have the hardest time making the simplest decisions.  I often know what I want to do, but I always try to explore other options before actually making a decision; especially if the decision I'm trying to make is going to have a variety of effects.  The only thing that has been on my mind for the last two days, at least, is OCS.  I know next to nothing about the military, although I suppose I have a little more knowledge than some others.  I know that I'd have to really devote much of the next perhaps ten years (Navy OCS requires a 3-5 year commitment) of my life to the military.  I'm not sure I want to do that.  I've always been extremely attached to my autonomy and independence (excepting the couple of years I was attached to Brian) and the military will really make it hard for me to make my own decisions - the important ones.  But the problem is that I can't think of a better way to put my intelligence to work.  I like to think of myself as exceptionally sharp, and being an officer for the military would use my observational skills and problem-solving skills and intelligence really well.  It would be a fantastic stepping stone for an absolute plethora of other career options, the most interesting being jobs with the FBI, DEA, ATF, US Marshals and maybe even the CIA.  It's stable work, and it's good money.  I will never want for money ever again, and it's a great way to ensure that.  But is it worth giving up my autonomy?

Yes, I could go to graduate school.  But I just can't really justify doing it that way.  I have no plans to be in research for the rest of my life, I don't want to change the field of forensics or criminology by developing new theory or new forensics techniques.  I want to be out in the field, doing things to catch bad guys.  I definitely would rather be doing things with decomposition of human bodies and forensic pathology and forensic anthropology, but that's graduate school stuff without a guarantee of money or career.

I'm just lost.  I don't know how to make the right decision for me.  I'm terrified of being in the military.  I'm the laziest person I know.  I hate not having free time to myself.  I don't think the military would be conducive to my getting to spend as much time with Phoenix as I want to and as much as he needs.  Obviously I have quite a lot of time to make this decision, at least until December, but I want to make sure I'm looking at it from all angles.

I'm definitely biased because I have so many people in my life who are involved with the military in some way, but it's really hard for my family to grasp this possibility, especially my mom, even though she grew up in the military.  She is worried that I'll do something to screw it up.  In fact, she's still skeptical that I'm going to graduate from college.  Which upsets me a little.  But I have given her no reason to trust that I can conquer the mental illness that I use as an excuse to be a lazy-ass (which I'm pretty sure is how she sees me).

Something that I'm looking at with the military is that it really breaks families apart.  I am so ridiculously close to my family.  I spend a whole lot of time with my parents - way more than just about anyone else my age.  If I join the military, that will be my final departure from the family that I have come do depend on.  While I appreciate my family so very much, and I know that I owe them so much, I feel like they still see me as a little kid.  I think that's why I am so often surprised when I make a grown-up decision or do something responsible.  And they treat me like I am a child in many aspects.  I understand that it's hard for a parent to realize their child's adulthood, and I haven't made it any easier for them to let that perspective of me go because I have needed them so much over the last 5 years.  But it's time.

My brain is still going, but I need to get ready for bed, so I'm going to stop here.  Maybe I will be able to work more of it out in the coming days.  As I see it now, I've pretty much already decided on what I WANT to do, it's just a matter of making sure it's the right thing for me.

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