Friday, July 29, 2011

A Personal Problem

I have discovered the fatal flaw in writing this blog.  I have advertised and marketed it to all the people I know, many of whom actually read it from time to time, but in doing so, I cannot write my true feelings in this blog because of those who read it.  I have to censor my thoughts because of who has, or does or might read this.  For example, I have the link for this up on my free dating site profile.  I want the guys on there who might be interested in meeting me to read this, because I feel like it is the best and most accurate illustration of what I am like in real life, because I write almost exactly how I talk.  However, I rescheduled a date on Wednesday that I didn't really want to go on, lying about why I couldn't go.  I said that I had to help my little sister get some stuff out of storage for her move.  It wasn't a complete lie; I do have to do that this weekend.  But then, instead of just hanging out with my family and then going home that night, I went on a date with another person instead!  Granted, I had a blast, and I was looking forward to meeting the guy I met way more than I was looking forward to meeting the person I was originally going to meet, so I justified doing it that way.  But now I worry that the guy I canceled on is reading the blog and will find out I lied.  Which is exactly why I hate lying and don't do it very often.

Then, there are some annoyances that I have with some of my friends who read this that I can't write about.  I have, at least twice, written about such annoyances with the full knowledge that the friends I am writing about will read it.  Doing it that way is an extremely immature and backhanded way of revealing my true feelings without having to gather the courage to say what I want to say to their faces. 

When Kate was living in Washington, I was having some life-crises and wanted to get away from home for awhile, so I booked a one-way plane ticket to visit her and spent about two weeks out there.  While I was there, her dad printed out the definition of the word "vitriolic" and gave it to each of us, and sat us down and told us that we were terribly vitriolic people, and that when we're together all we did was be judgmental and mean about our opinions of other people.  I think that neither she nor I knew we did this, and so him doing this was sort of shocking to both of us, but I know it opened our eyes.  In the last year, maybe even the last two years, I've been trying SO HARD to try to be a better person.  I have been trying to talk less about people behind their backs, trying to be less judgmental of others - especially the ones I'm close to because they're the ones I'm the most judgmental of - and just be generally more accepting of people and their flaws.  This is a next-to-impossible feat.  I think this is because I am inherently a sort of cruel person and my knack for observation and others seeming inability to be observant is what ruins it for me.

I mention that I am more judgmental of my close friends.  I cannot figure out why this is.  More often than not I don't entirely agree with the decisions my friends make, and I have a hard time supporting them.  This was certainly the case when Kate told me she was engaged, and is sort of the case with Tiffany's pregnancy.  When I have to make big decisions, I try to think really long and hard about the implications - especially the long-term implications - of whatever decisions I need to make.  I also go to everyone I am close with, and even to a lot of people I'm not all that close with, to discuss possible implications or consequences of my decision.  For whatever reason, I hold other people's opinions in high regard.  So I think it frustrates me to find out that people that I am close to, whose opinions I hold in high regard, haven't asked me for my opinion in the decisions they make.  It's also one of the biggest things that Jen and I used to fight over - my wanting to make a decision she didn't agree with, me making said decision, and her being right.  I worry to no end that Kate getting married again isn't the best decision.  I worry that Tiffany having another kid is going to change her life for the worse.  I worry that maybe both ladies aren't thinking about the really long-term consequences to these decisions.  But they're not my decisions to make, and if I have any hope of remaining friends with these ladies I have to be supportive, even if I don't agree.  And I have so much trouble with that.

I said to my mom once, "Why can't all my friends just do what I do?" when we were discussing the big life choices my friends are making.  She replied with, "That's why I don't have any friends."  Which led me to two questions: 1. Do my friends think I'm boring because I haven't made any humongous life-changing decisions?  And 2. Do I need to quit worrying about how the decisions my friends make affect me?  I think I can effectively answer yes to both questions, but I think that there is probably not much I can do to change either thing. 

So I'm not really sure what to do.  I try to write as completely and honestly as possible, and that is for my benefit and no one else's.  I also don't want to be writing things that hurt my friends' feelings, either.  But if I'm not completely honest and forthcoming about the thoughts in my head, I can't in good conscience use this blog to the full advantage that I intended when I set out to write it in the first place.  I'd say that about 50% of what I write is simply for the purpose of emptying my brain.  I like to make room for other, perhaps more important thoughts.  I tend to ruminate on the thoughts that I don't write about, and so writing about them is a skill that I use to battle something that might cause a flare-up in the Depression.  I definitely have a dilemma.

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