Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Deep Thoughts

I think that in order to really hate someone, you have to have loved them first.  I hate my sister.  The older one.  In my opinion, she has no redeeming qualities.  What positive qualities she does have, she only exhibits in her imitation of other humans.  Kind of like camouflage.

I stuck around the house today, being lazy.  Did some laundry, watched some TV, napped a little.  Around 4, Phoenix and I headed over to my parents house.  We went for a run (2.57 miles, which felt longer), and ate with my parents.  They had gyros, but I refuse to eat lamb, so I had a sandwich instead.  It was delicious!  Anyway, both my sisters were there today.  My little sister is really stressed out about summer school and working and moving so she came down to try to clear her head, and my older sister came home from work right after Phoenix and I left for our run.  Dinner was fine, totally pleasant.  After dinner, we sat in the living room just chatting about random things, and my older sister said she was leaving to go get her phone charger from her friend's house.  The rest of us just sat there, continuing our conversations, but my sister just stood there, purse on shoulder, car keys in hand, continuing to talk.  She was talking about some new person at work, and blah blah blah, I quit listening because I was looking that the Ikea catalog, but I realized that she said she was leaving, but hadn't left yet and was talking about something none of us gave two shits about, so I said, "Hey, shut up and leave already.  You said you were leaving, so leave."  Mostly I was being ironic and sarcastic, although my tone was totally serious (which was probably my mistake), but I wanted to point out to her that she said she was going to leave, but instead just stood there talking.  She flipped shit.  Yelled at me, said fuck you, called me a bitch, and said that the reason she's never there when I'm there is because I can't be nice to her.  And then left, slamming the door.

I thought for sure my parents were going to say something to me about how rude I was, so I was extremely surprised when my dad said that I'd saved him because he was about three seconds away from jumping up and putting his head through the ceiling because of how sick he was of her talking about work (apparently she had a bunch of new people written up because they didn't fill the salt and pepper shakers up all the way or whatever) when she's totally ruined his truck.  It runs horribly, and apparently needs new brakes really soon.  She's been driving it since December!  Of course she's not taking care of it.  It's not hers.  It's not in her interest to take care of it.  So, I was shocked when my dad said thank you for getting her the hell out of the house because he would have totally lost it and then we'd all have felt a lot more uncomfortable.  Of course, I had to point out the irony of his saying that he would have jumped up because he's still in a cast on one foot from his surgery last week and he's been having a lot of trouble getting around on his crutches because he has virtually no strength in his other leg because his knee is so damaged (he needs surgery for that, too).  I sat there for a short while talking about my hatred for my sister, until my mom said to stop because it wasn't constructive as they still have to live with her, to which I responded with sorrow for that, and said that I didn't intend to be a bitch (I really didn't!) but if it makes it so that I have to see less of her, that's great.  She loves to tell me to leave when I'm over there and I do something or say something that pisses her off.  Her argument is that I don't live there, and she does.  Which isn't really an argument, because my parents have the final say as to whether I stay or go, and I'm more willing to respect their requests that I leave than I am to respect her telling me to go home.

That's what it comes down to.  I have 0 respect for her.  She's a piece of shit for a person.  She does nothing on this planet but take up space, convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, and waste my parents' time and money.  I just love her kids to death.  And therein lies the issue.  Her kids deserve to be treated as though they are the wonderful (albeit slightly mischievous) beings that they are, and not get yelled at all the fucking time.  I love taking them places and hanging out with them, and I really hope, to the deepest depths of my heart, that I can be there for them someday when they realize what a damaged and inhuman person their mother is.  I wish I could be the one to support them financially - if I could - so that my parents wouldn't be so stressed out all the time.  There's no way my sister will ever be able to support them on her own, even the half the time she's got them.

She's going to mediation on Thursday to try to amend the parenting plan, but I can just about guarantee she will not get what she wants because she's going to try to manipulate, and when that doesn't work, she's going to try to intimidate, and when that doesn't work, she'll lose her shit and throw a temper tantrum.  I've worked reception for mediators before, and I understand what they do.  My mom said that they must know things will get heated, and I totally agreed.  When I was working for an especially busy one, I saw people crying and occasionally heard yelling.  But I never witnessed the cacophony that my sister is capable of creating.  She screams, cries, stomps her foot, curses, slams things, and when you're an adult, that is not how to get what you want.  My mom thinks she should probably go along just so she can drive my sister home after she's all upset.  I told her she should just let my sister drive upset because my dad has full coverage on the truck and can get it replaced if it is totaled.  As for my sister, if she were to drive into a brick wall, I think I'd be sad, but not for her.  I'd be sad for her kids, although not that much.  They're better off without her, but kids who go through life without a mom tend to be a little more messed up than ones that do.  And that's the existential question.  Are they better off without her altogether, or with her acting the way she acts?  What will mess them up more?

I hate that I've even devoted the last hour to thinking about her.  She's not worth it in the slightest.  I think I just needed to vent, get that all out of my head and off my chest.

Anyway, I'm a little upset because after running today, I have two tendons that hurt.  One on the medial aspect of my upper ankle, and one just below my knee.  The knee one already hurt, but the ankle one is new. So I iced them both right away after I got home, and I need to work on strengthening them a bit tonight.  I'll do that next.  Also, I stepped on the scale and have not lost a single ounce since last week.  So once and for all, I'm quitting the cleanse.  I'm still planning to be watching what I'm eating, and trying to eat healthy, but I'm not going to restrict my diet as much.  I am going to keep exercising because I am actually starting to enjoy it now, and not dread it.  I am actually excited to see if I'll have any results if I keep up with it.  After all, keeping up with the blog has been a damn-near cure for my mental health issues.  I really feel amazing mentally.  I feel like I've finally figured everything out and can control my brain to some extent.  I just need my body to catch up, so I'm going to exercise and exercise until I see what I want to see.  I'm pretty sure the reason the cleanse isn't working for me is because I'm on Lupron and the hormone add-back therapy.  I think it's really done something with my metabolism so that no matter what I do, I'm not gaining or losing weight.  Although my mom put the thought in my head tonight that maybe if I weren't working so hard, I'd be putting weight on, so now I'm going to be a bit paranoid about that.  But at least that will give me extra motivation to stay with it.  I might try the cleanse again after I'm off the Lupron to see if it makes any difference, or I may not.  I would rather not try to predict my mindset three months from now.  Three months is a long time in crazy-land.  Anything could happen.  But at least maybe I will be happier getting to eat more food, and more often.

Okay, exercise and TV time.  It rained tonight so it's all nice and cool and fresh-smelling in here.  I'm excited.

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