Monday, February 21, 2011

Deep Thought About Shallow Things

Last night, after I wrote my daily post, I got into the shower.  While I was in there, I got thinking about Former Bestie.  Yet again.  I really miss her a lot.  I think I probably miss, more than anything, the idea of having someone I can call my "Best Friend."  But along with the label comes camaraderie, ostensibly a partner in crime with whom secrets and judgments are made and kept.

Before, I had that with Former Bestie.  We were in nearly constant contact, and it felt very strange when either of us was momentarily unreachable.  Then she met New Fiance and decided that being in constant contact with me wasn't as important anymore.  My feelings were fairly hurt by that, but at the same time I was jealous and feeling very possessive and protective of her, and between those feelings and my self-imagined inadequacies, the combination was just more than I could bear. 

Seeing my friend come into possession of a man in her life that she can trust and be taken care of has just set off every minute sensor in me that says that there's something wrong with me that I have not found that yet.  I try not to be so hard on myself because I'm not even really that close to 30 yet and it's totally okay for me to be single and still finding out who I am. 

I've been thinking for a long time about writing to Former Bestie and telling her that I want to try to be a better friend and that I want to try to be supportive and be there for her, but I'm being super cautious about it.  I don't know if I can handle being a part of her life again without it bringing forth all the issues that I have of my own, and it's not fair for me to project those issues onto her or to take out my frustrations with my issues on her. 

I don't really understand why I'm so possessive of her or of my friendship with her.  I don't feel that way about anyone else.  I have full confidence in my friendships with Tiffany and Kara and even though I knew them both before they married their husbands, I never felt jealous of the directions their lives took. 

The bottom line is that I just want to be around for all of it, the good and the bad, and I know that she probably wants to be around for all of my good and bad, too. 

If nothing else, this will be an exercise in my self-confidence and my patience and my ability to be a better person all around.  If it doesn't work, all I can hope for is that it doesn't do any detriment to the well-being I've established for myself in the last few months.

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