Monday, February 28, 2011

Case of the Mondays

Maybe I shouldn't write a post before get into the shower at night.  There's something about being in the shower that makes me think like three times as much as I normally do.  Or perhaps it just gives me clarity of thought.  Whatever it is, it's obnoxious because I think of all kinds of things I want to write about while I'm in there, but if I've already written a post, I don't want to have to sit down and write a whole new one.  There are days that I write more that one post, but those are the days when I have enough energy to write more than one, or my second post is about something I absolutely could not keep to myself.  Last night, I wrote the post while I was still watching the Oscars, and then I got into the shower and thought about a whole bunch of things I wanted to write about.  I have since forgotten most of those things and I find myself annoyed.  By myself.

Today is certainly Monday.  I have not missed a single birth control pill for going on 9 weeks now and I got my period with FORCE overnight, apparently.  That should not happen.  I wonder if it has to do with how females sort of sync up when they're in proximity of each other, but I feel like that shouldn't be putting me through full-on menstruation.  Either way, I feel like I'm hemorrhaging and I don't like it.  I should probably make an appointment to see my lady-doc but I can't afford the hundred-something dollar bill it is going to be.  It's things like this that freak me out about the possibility that I won't be able to have kids because my internal lady-parts (the important baby-making ones) are going to be too scarred or damaged to work properly.

Also, I am having a bad hair day.  I put some soft cloth curlers in my hair last night and slept in them, and when I took them out this morning, some of my hair stayed curly and some if it flattened right out.  So it is up today.  I really thought long and hard about cutting bangs before I did it, and I really thought I'd be able to handle it, and the hairstyle looked really cute, but it's driving me nuts.  It's just a lot of maintenance, and a lot of work, and it was just much easier when it was long and bang-less.  So now the plan is to just grow it out.  One length.  All of it.  Enough of this layered crap.  I've had it.

On a more positive note, I feel like I did something right at work today, for a change.  I won't go into the (ridiculously boring) details, but it was a nice feeling. 

After work, I have to suffer through the commute back to my parents house, which is really not that bad, but since I've had a break from it by taking a different route to where I live now, I realize how retarded that drive is.  Traffic backs up in places that it shouldn't back up (if drivers would apply common sense and the concept of physics to their driving skills, they would realize that they have a full lane in which to accelerate up to the speed of the rest of the traffic on the highway and thus not come to a complete stop in attempting to merge into traffic wherein the traffic is going 50mph or above and the cars entering the highway are having to accelerate from a complete stop due to the idiotic stop-light that has been put in in an attempt to alleviate the volume of traffic at that spot on the highway) and it takes like 20 minutes longer to get from Boulder to Broomfield than it should.

I probably should not try to blog at work.  I don't think I'm able to be as clear as I want to be or as in depth or meaningful as I want to be.  I have discovered that it's just easier to write while I am at work because I really, really enjoy my free time once I get done with work.  I have to make a choice between what is easy and what is important.  I think that I need to attempt to set aside time for myself to write at night on the days I have to work, despite the fact that I have oodles of time just sitting around at work that I feel is mostly wasted aside from the fact that I'm being paid for it.

One thing that I know is on my mind, that I want to address is my situation with Former Bestie.  I think that we are going to both work on including each other in our lives again, but I think we are both going to be extremely careful of the depth to which we include each other.  I don't think it would be healthy, for either of us but especially for me, to allow her to have such an important role in my everyday life.  I think I have a tendency to be clingy with her, and I am terrified that if I go in that direction again, she will just pull away and I don't want that to happen.  I also feel a really crucial sense of independence in the time that we spent without one another and I don't want to lose that.  On the other hand, I am shying away from asking her (even though I want to really badly) about who is going to be IN her wedding.  I have a feeling that she's already recruited her wedding party, and I am not in it, even though I really want to be.  I stood up for her at her first wedding, and I want to stand up for her at her second wedding, too.  I wouldn't be the least bit surprised, nor would I blame her, if she has decided not to include me in the actual wedding itself this time around, especially after how I reacted about the engagement.  And even if she doesn't ask me to be in the wedding, I will be there for it.  I want to show her that not only am I capable of change, but that I want to change, and I want to be in control of my own issues, which were mostly the reason for the downfall of the friendship in the first place (although she was to blame a little, too).

I'm excited to get home tonight.  I can watch Conan in real time!  

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