Monday, March 7, 2011

Attempting to Empty the Trash

I want nothing more than to be asleep right now, but my brain is on full-steam right now.  Fact 1: I love the show Shameless.  It's great!  I'm totally hooked.  Fact 2: Watching it makes me want to cry.  Justin Chatwin, or his character, or both, remind me of Brian so much.  Fact 3: I still have a hard enough time trying not to think about him without a physical reminder.  I still dream about him all the time.

In the dreams that I have about him, it's almost always that he's left Bryn to come back to me, and I am so happy.  So happy, that I'm sort of confused when I wake up and discover that it's not real.  I would have to say that I probably dream about him at least once a week, which is not helping me get over it, a mere 5 years later.  Most likely, I've sort of dreamed and imagined him into some person that he is not, and if I were to run into or catch up with him in real life, I'd probably be sorely disappointed.

It's just that the character on this show talks like him, has mannerisms that I had forgotten Brian had, and looks remarkably like him.  Again, I'm probably making really weak comparisons in my head and they're actually not as similar as I think, but it's enough to really get me going.

It might not just be him that I miss.  It's probably a lot to do with missing someone who was my first love, someone I considered my best friend, someone I considered marrying and spending the rest of my life with.  And I feel completely pathetic for making thinking about him as much as I do because guaranteed he does not think about me at all anymore.  He's moved on with his life, as have I, but I'm certain that he's happier now than he ever was with me, and I feel like I've lost whatever chance at happiness I had because he's no longer a part of my life.  I worry myself sick thinking that I will never find that companionship and love ever again.

I have really built him up in my head.  I could use a glimpse of reality, of seeing what he is actually like so that I can give up the ghost and walk away satisfied with the way things panned out.  But that isn't an option, and I think if I were to see him now, my legs would turn to jelly and I would walk away crying just as I did the night three years ago when I sat him and Bryn at Hapa when I was working there.  I just miss him, and I miss what we had.  And I hate it.  I want to go to sleep tonight and not think about him again, and I don't want to dream about him, even though I almost certainly will.

You see storylines on TV and in movies all the time where some old person is feeling nostalgic and tells the story of their first love to someone young.  The story is always a little sad, sometimes ending with the first love tragically dying or something, but then the person moved on, found a new love and settled.  I am absolutely terrified that I won't ever feel the same way about someone the way I felt about Brian.  I think that I fear that above all other things - my mom dying, my dog dying, getting in a car accident and being paralyzed, above spiders and deep water.  And it's not fair.

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