Monday, March 28, 2011


I'm lonely.  Sometimes I feel like I'm floating around purposeless and with nothing to anchor to.  I like where I live but it doesn't feel like my home.  The only place where there are things here is my room.  I use my roommates dishes and pots and pans to cook and eat.

Today my mood was pretty decent most of the day, but I think that after being up all day, it's just crashing right now.  I have the urges to be impulsive and reckless and I don't know what to do.  I want a drink, but I have no alcohol here at the house, and I don't feel like going out to get some, and even if I did I would feel guilty for spending money on it that would be better allocated someplace else.  I still have percocets left over that I was going to sell for some extra cash but I am thinking about taking a couple of them just so that I can be numb again.  I think my feelings are all coming rushing back to me after taking a few days off and I am confused and I feel very out of control.

I talked to several new guys throughout the day, and while it felt good at the time, I don't think that talking to them is going to do me any good in the long run.  One of them I really like so far, and he and I have a breakfast date on Saturday.  There's another one, who is ripped and hot but is just interested in sex.  I played along for a little while but I think that if I try to go anywhere with him I'm just going to end up feeling that much shittier about myself for not being skinny and fit, and for compromising my morals and my plans for my emotional health.

I forced myself to eat lunch today, even though I had no appetite, and I still have no appetite, which is good because I am pretty much out of food and I don't feel like putting in the effort to cook anything and I don't have the money to spend on more food until the end of this week.

I don't like feeling this way at all, so helpless and as though I can't do anything to change my circumstances.  I know it's a matter of choices, but there is a combination of not wanting to make the right choices and feeling as though I am not capable of making the right choices.  If I were at my mom's right now, she would tell me not to wallow.  To do something to help snap myself out of whatever this funk is.  So I should probably take a shower and get into bed before it gets too late.  That's the only thing I can think of to do that will help me move on. 

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