Sunday, March 27, 2011

Give Me The Strength...

I know I already posted once tonight, but I feel like I need to write again so that I don't go to bed hanging onto something that has the potential to keep me upset.

I sometimes wonder if I really am a shitty person and I am just deluding myself.  I spent about an hour on the phone with Kara.  I had to call her to tell her that I probably cannot go out to San Diego in April because I won't be able to afford it.  I'm pretty terrible about budgeting my money, and I really REALLY wanted to go out to see her, because she is one of maybe three or four people in this world that has the ability to make me feel good.  I have always loved being around Kara, and she's so real with me, she never really pretends like things are okay if they are not, and she has great insights into what I might be able to do to change my moods.  I feel like I can never thank her enough for being there for me.  After I got off the phone with Kara, I felt so much better.  I felt like whatever dark cloud was hanging over my head had lifted and that I could see things in the light again, however briefly.

And then.  I got on facebook (as I do easily about 100 times every day), to a message from Jamie.  I had sent her a message suggesting that maybe she try Isagenix if she wanted to lose weight before her wedding, and she replied saying that she'd like to try it, but also to tell me how pissed she was that I flaked out on dog-sitting at the last minute when she and Jonas went to Indiana at the beginning of the month.  I am crying right now as I write this.  If she only knew how upset I was about saying no in the first place, and how horrible I felt about not being able to help out, but it also sounds to me like Jonas maybe threw me under the bus and didn't tell her that I told him a couple weeks in advance that I wouldn't be able to do it.  Or he did tell her and then they depended on me being able to do it at the last minute and I said no.  Either way, I was upset about it then, and to know that it upset her that much upsets me all over again.  It makes perfect sense, though.  I'd be upset, too I guess.

Something about having this depression that I hate (as though there were any part of it that I like) is how irresponsible, and undependable and unreliable it makes me.  I make plans when I am feeling good, and because I really do want to do whatever it is I'm making plans to do, but then when the time comes around to actually carry out those plans, I bail, at whatever expense to the other person (or people).  One of the unofficial "resolutions" I made after New Years in 2009 was to be a more reliable person and to follow through on the plans I make or to do whatever it is that I've obligated myself to do, out of both courtesy to the person I've made plans with, and to challenge and change myself.  Getting negative feedback from people when I bail at the last minute is really shitty for self-esteem and I wanted to be able to cut down on that negative feedback so that I had some room to make progress.  For at least the last 6 months I feel like I've been doing really well, with exception to the plans I'd make with Jen and then cancel on, and especially with regards to work and following through on my work obligations.  Apparently, though, I was wrong because in the last few weeks I've gotten two separate emails from two people telling me how mad they are because I've canceled on plans I'd made with them.

Right now, I am sitting here thinking, "God, I must be a really horrible person."  And that is really, really not good.  I need to be giving myself love and compassion.  But all I can focus on is how my actions hurt other people.  Do I ever do anything that is good?  Do I ever do things that make other people feel good?  One of the things that I so often focus on when I'm really down is how maybe my existence on this planet has had nothing but negative affects on everyone I've interacted with.  I know that is hyperbolic, because I know that there are people who love me and whose lives would be vastly different without my influence, but then shit like this happens, where I get negative feedback about how I am unreliable or undependable, and it creeps in and poisons the certainty I feel about being a good person.

I don't want to make people mad, or make anyone's life difficult.  God knows, I know better than anyone else that we all do a good enough job of making our own lives difficult without others doing it, too.  I just wish that I could be as different as I want to be without having to stumble and make mistakes along the way.  I need friends and support and I seem to be really good at screwing myself out of both because it looks like I don't care when I really, really do.

Oh, I hope I get past this episode quickly.

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