Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I wish I could describe how I feel.  I sort of wish I didn't feel anything at all.  I'm tired of the confusing combination of all the different feelings I go through during the course of each day, whether I'm at work or at home or hanging out with my family (which seem to be the only three things that I ever do).  I guess the best way to explain is that I am struggling.  I'm not entirely sure what I'm struggling with, or against (it feels more like I'm working against something), but I am definitely having trouble.

I feel completely different from how I was feeling when I was feeling "better."  I don't feel the urge to cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't feel frustrated to the point of crying, and I don't feel hopeless or worthless.  I feel like no matter how deeply I breathe or how often I draw breath, I can't get any air.

Kara found an interesting cache of information on a wiki-how page called How to Build Self-Worth, and I finally got around to reading it today, and I found it very informative and helpful, especially for how I've been feeling lately.  I'm not sure when I stopped actually making attempts to build my self-esteem, but I think it's drained back out of me again.  I think I must have hit a point of satisfaction and so I stopped trying and I guess that is when my stock of self-esteem began depleting.

One part of the wiki-how mentions a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that always hit me very profoundly: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I am constantly allowing people to make me feel inferior, whether they mean to or not.  I don't really know how to change that, aside from following the advice that my therapist gave me (which was reproduced almost verbatim in this article), and that is to me my own best friend.  To treat myself with the kindness and generosity and compassion and love with which I treat my closest friends.  I will never understand why I am so much harder on myself than I am with my expectations of others.  I'm a terribly judgmental person, but I guess that the person I'm most judgmental of is myself.  I find that a good gauge of my self-esteem is whether or not my feelings get hurt, or whether I get angry or if I feel offended when I discover I have been treated in a way I consider to be wrong.

For example: I had suspicions that my roommate Linda harbors slightly malevolent feelings towards me, just based on her lack of interaction with me, but last night my suspicions were confirmed.  One of the biggest points of contention between me and my sisters was the gross drain hair that would be left-over anytime any of us showered.  I would just use a few squares of toilet paper to remove said drain-hair, whilst my older sister didn't remember to remove it until after she'd already gotten in the shower and then would just put the tangle on the side of the bathtub, which I find pretty disgusting.  Her argument was that we should remove the clog after exiting the shower, while mine was that it was less disgusting to remove a dry clog immediately before showering.  Anyway, I've made a point to work around all the nasty long black hairs that cover nearly every surface of the bathroom I share with Linda, including removing her dry drain-hair immediately before getting into the shower each time.  Living with girls with long hair for as long as I have, I've accepted that drain-hair is a fact of life.  I completely forgot to remove mine after showering yesterday, and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed late last night to find it plastered on the tile wall of the shower immediately facing the toilet.  To me, it said, "This is what I found, and also, you're gross," in the most passive-aggressive means possible.  I saw it, and went "Oh shit, I forgot."  My first feeling was guilt at not remembering because I've been living there a month and I've been trying really hard to keep my part of the bathroom as clean as possible, including stray hairs.  My second feeling was vindication - I knew she didn't like me!  I just mentioned it within the last couple of days, and her doing that in the manner she did it is a big neon sign that speaks volumes!  I'd imagine she was in the shower upon discovering the evidence of my forgetfulness, but she had several options for how she could react maturely, and she chose to do something that I consider to be pretty immature.  When I was fighting with my sisters over the same exact thing, all I had to do was ask my sister to clean up after herself, or to do as I do, use toilet paper and throw the whole thing away.  Linda could have asked me nicely to do that.  She could have spoken words to me, which I assume is probably something that she considered to be too difficult.  I've made a point of trying to be as polite as possible about our bathroom-sharing time, and I fully blame her for the fact that I got my period when I was explicitly supposed to NOT get my period.

I think she thinks I like her dog too much, or I treat her with too much love or something ridiculous like that.  I think she has very little respect for me because I spend the vast majority of my time at home in my room with the TV on.  It's not because I'm anti-social, it's because I like the noise.  It helps quiet the chaos that inhabits my head 24 hours a day.

The other clue I have to her dislike of me is that I went grocery shopping yesterday, and I had very little room in the fridge to put my food.  I have been allocated the top shelves of the refrigerator for use, those being a full 6 inches from the top of the fridge.  That's about it.  I have placed some of my items among the other items on the door, and I guess I am allowed to use what might be called the "deli" drawer.  Anyway, I had completely run out of space, and so I placed an unopened bottle of salad dressing on one of the bottom shelves, and I was looking for it this morning to find it had been moved.

It's entirely possible that I am reading way too far into this, but I know how catty girls can be, and especially when they are resorting to passive-aggressive measures.  What leads me to believe that I am correct about this is just a feeling.  A gut instinct, if you will.  I can feel the heavy tension between us when we are in the same room.

I am 26 years old.  I should not have to deal with the drama that I had to deal with when I was 21, and I should not have to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in a place I have to call my home.  I am not going to let this girl drive me out.  It's going to be a war of attrition, if anything at all.  I'm going to follow some of my mom's earliest advice: kill 'em with kindness!  She may have to move out anyway.  She's a kindergarten teacher with Denver Public Schools and her contract has not been renewed so after May, she's out of a job.  Maybe she'll leave and Meredi and I can find a roommate who is less alienating and more like us; human.

So I guess I can at least say that I am offended, or angry.  I think that Linda is attempting to make me feel inferior and I will not allow it any longer.  Or I won't allow it until the rest of my storage of self-esteem runs out again.  I'm going to need to make special arrangements for myself to get on top of this, and as soon as humanly possible.  I'm not sure what exactly to do, short of rereading the article on wiki-leaks and embroidering the finer points onto a pillow, but I will have to work harder from now on.

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