Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Definitely Not Good

Again, nothing to write about.  Didn't do much today.  Skipped soccer this morning.  Went over to my parents house to bring my mom her birthday card and gift, hung out for a little while with the kiddos and came back home.

The Depression is definitely coming back, full force.  All I really want to do is sleep.  I don't really care about anything, and I feel mostly numb.  I thought momentarily about Brian and Bryn again, but it was because I was watching the beginning of the movie Valentine's Day and felt nauseated again, but it went away pretty quickly.  I get momentary flares of emotion, but they go as quickly as they come.  I'm not sure what I like more, the not caring about anything and not feeling anything, or the feeling every little thing and being capable of feeling every little thing.

I feel sorry for Phoenix.  I still care for him, feed him and play with him and give him belly rubs and talk to him, but I have to remind myself of his need of my affection and force myself to give it to him.  That's not good.  I don't walk him at all anymore, and I took him to the dog park last weekend but I didn't do it this weekend even though the weather was good.  I excuse this by telling myself that he gets tons of exercise and socialization time with Lucky and Duke and Rainey and Nali, but that's just an excuse.  Phoenix needs more exercise and he needs to get out of the house just as much as any other dog.  I'm being a terrible doggy-mommy but I have a hard enough time forcing myself to function normally, so how can I properly care for him?  Last weekend when I was feeling really really down, and crying for no reason, my mom asked me if I needed to leave Phoenix over there with them so that he could be cared for, and I declined, but I wonder if he may not need to spend a little more time over there to get the attention I seem to be unable to give him.

I know this isn't good, but I don't really think there's much I  can do about it.  I should probably try to get back into therapy, but I don't want to have to put forth the effort of making and keeping an appointment, and I can't afford it, and I have no desire to put the heavy burden of guilt on myself that I would be doing if I asked my parents to pay for it.

The only real way I can label how I'm feeling or not feeling is that I just don't care.  It's not that if the house were on fire that I wouldn't care about getting out, but I just don't want to do anything or see and interact with anyone.  I'd rather just be asleep.

Yeah.  This is bad.

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