Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Resting Pulse Today: 103

Boy did today suck.  Tiffany was going to come with me to do the plasma thing.  I got up, got ready, dropped off Phoenix with my parents, and grabbed her.  We went down there, and it was about 10:45am when we got there.  I decided to wait to check in until she'd been taken back to start her new donor process, so I didn't check in until about an hour after we got there.

I was called back to do the screening (hematocrit, BP, weight and pulse) and my BP was like 136/94 and my pulse was 103.  The BP was within limits I guess, but they won't let you do it if your pulse is over 100.  So I had to sit for 15 minutes and do the retake, and my pulse was still 103 so they told me to go home.  Tiffany was still waiting and had been told that she needed to see a nurse to discuss her allergy symptoms (as she decided not to take her Claritin today so as not to overload her body with too many chemicals, which I thought was smart), and then she'd have her physical and be taken back.  So I left, but about 10 minutes later, she texted me to tell me that they wouldn't let her do it, either, because she was experiencing allergy symptoms which can actually be symptoms of HIV or AIDS.  So neither of us got $50.

When I went back for the screening, I talked with the tech a little bit, about my high BP on Saturday, my weight loss (I lost 4lbs since Saturday) and my pulse.  I told her I thought my pulse might be a little high normally, and asked her to check what my pulse was the first day I went in.  It was 65!  She asked me what happened, if I was sick, and I told her no, I am just really stressed out about money, and she said that was probably it, and that it is probably what elevated my BP and pulse on Saturday, too, not just high blood volume.  I was confounded, though, because my stress is caused by not having enough money to sustain myself, and my stress level would have been lowered had I gotten the $50 today, but they wouldn't let me get the money, so my stress level was going to stay up there.

I went to my parents house to get Phoenix and talk with my parents a little bit.  My biggest problem right now is that I need the $200 to get enrolled in school so that I can see what my financial aid awards are so that I can figure out whether or not I'll have enough to pay for classes AND get the school insurance.  I need to get that figured out before the 16th of the month, when my insurance premium is automatically taken out of my bank account, but I won't have $200 until the 16th.  So it's a big, nasty, cyclical problem.  My parents are just about as broke as I am from having to pay for all my sister's shit and because they're paying all her bills and having to pay for the kids as well.  I asked my dad if I could borrow the $200 yesterday, and he said he wouldn't have it until the 15th.  Which is of no help to me.  I need it now.

So by the time I left my parents house, I was in the shittiest of shitty moods.  I was mad at my sister for making a LONG series of stupid choices which has put her in the situation she's in now, which is what is breaking my parents financially.  I was mad because my dad had asked me to hang out with my mom and the kids when they got there today so that my mom wouldn't be so burned out this week from babysitting because my dumbass sister is going to be working THE ENTIRE time we have the kids this week.  If I stayed, I'd have been miserable, but if I left and didn't go back, I would have felt ridiculously guilty for not helping my mom.

So I went home, crying a little, and slept for a little while.  It was fitful sleep, I woke up a lot, and when I decided to get up and get ready to go back to my parents house, I felt like shit physically too.  From crying, and from being upset and stressed out.  I was really unexcited to go back over there, and even as much as I love the kids and get excited to hang out with them, I really would have liked to just crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there for the remainder of the day.  But I didn't.  I suppose I should be thrilled with my choice there, because once again, I could have allowed myself to wallow in my stress and really let it take over, but I didn't.

After hanging out with the kids for awhile, I felt a little better.  I painted with the boys while my mom gave the baby a bath, which helped her as much as it helped me, and then when the baby was out of the bath, I played with her and tickled her and was giggling just as much as she was by the time she had to go to bed.  I washed the boys, got them in their jammies and got them snacks before I left.  If I had stayed home, I would have watched TV, for like 3 hours and then showered.  So I guess it's better that I wasn't home and that I was able to see the kids and give my mom a hand and feel like I accomplished something.  By the time I got home again, I was in a better mood.  I took out the garbage and folded some laundry and took a really long shower wherein I actually shaved my legs for the first time in a week and a half, and I feel a little better.

My dad called from wherever he was (he was out at a business dinner meeting tonight) to tell me that he'd transfered money from their escrow account (a special bank account they've got set up to pay property taxes and insurance) to their checking so that he could give me the $200 and to tell my mom to write me a check before I left.  I feel absolutely terrible for his having to resort to doing it this way, but I know that because I've been working extra hours that I can actually pay him back when I get paid on the 16th, especially if I don't have to pay for insurance anymore.

I'm 26.  I shouldn't have to ask my parents for money anymore.  I shouldn't have to fall back on them for any reason.  I hate that I have had to ask them for money, especially because they are supporting both of my sisters entirely, plus three small kids.  It makes me feel guilty, which just adds another element of stress to what I am already feeling.  I have been doing my best to maintain a normal and healthy lifestyle - eating three meals each day, drinking lots of water, walking Phoenix, getting plenty of sleep - but I've still somehow lost weight.  I have to admit that I LOVE learning that I've lost weight without having to do anything, but I feel pretty crappy physically and I'm just emotionally exhausted.  I don't like feeling this stressed out.  It's uncomfortable, for lack of a better word, and it's really taking a toll on my mood.  But I guess if this is how I have to lose a few pounds, then so be it.  I shouldn't complain, especially when I am uber-aware of how hard Tiffany works to lose weight.

I did get a call back from my new Peace Corps recruiter today, she left me a message.  She'd returned my phone call yesterday at work but I was on the phone and couldn't get to it in time, but she thought I might be graduating in the fall of 2012, and she wanted me to call her back so we could chat a little.  I called her and left her a message telling her that I was actually hoping to graduate this coming fall, and what do I need to do?  Her message today said to get going on the application so that they can get me processed ASAP.  I have a little more hope today than I did yesterday about the possibility of my deploying about this time next year.

I really wish I could have gotten in bed about 3 hours ago.  I am going to have a terrible time waking up in the morning, but at least I have a little more choice in what I can wear since I shaved my legs.  I'm going to do the best I can to put today behind me and just start back over tomorrow.  I plan to spend a good portion of the day doing the Peace Corps application (which will require 2 more damn recommendations, and those of you I'm going to ask, you know who you are), but I think I can finish it within the next week.  So I better go to bed now.  I'm still feeling kind of keyed up.  My pulse is around 90, but I feel sort of strange, physically.  It's hard to put into words, but I can tell that I'm still physically affected by the amount of stress I'm feeling.  All I can do at this point is look forward to the gorgeous weather this weekend and spending some time getting some vitamin D.  Maybe I'll be able to hang out on my parents deck with the kids and read and relax.  Thank God for the sunshine.

I was really depending on that money so that I could get some gas and do a little grocery shopping and have enough left over to buy my mom a Mother's Day gift.  But no such luck.

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