Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Bottom Line

I'm purposely blogging whilst at work today.  I am planning to go home tonight and totally crash.  I had a hell of a time waking up this morning (I told you so!) and I've already crashed once today.  I have a headache that has the major potential to turn into a migraine, and I'm just plain bored.

I can say with certainty that I am feeling better today than I was yesterday.  I got started on my third Peace Corps application, but I'm definitely a little uncertain about that.  The list that they want you to read before applying says that because I have both endometriosis and major depression (recurrent) there's a good chance they'll defer me.  Which means that I won't be able to deploy until either the conditions resolve themselves or I'm cleared by both the Peace Corps and a doctor, or they just won't let me go.  I'm hoping that because I am getting on this stuff more than 6 months before I want to go anywhere, that by the time I'm ready to go, they'll let me because the things that might have deferred me before are no longer "problems."  We'll see.  I'm doing my best to keep my cool about it or I will talk myself out of applying.  And no one wants that.

So when I got into work this morning, I had a fun little surprise waiting for me.  I opened up my email to find out that Anna (my 40-something year old coworker who does not wash her hands after using the bathroom and has "confidence" in her immune system) tattled on me!!!  One of the things I'm supposed to do on Monday mornings is post ads on craigslist for the apartments and office spaces that we have available for rent.  We post on craigslist Monday, Wednesday and Fridays because that's as often as we can re-post ads.  However, I completely honestly forgot on Monday, and I didn't remember until 4pm.  I decided not to post anything at that point because then we couldn't re-post again until after 4pm on Wednesday, and what would be the point of that?!  So I just didn't post anything.  I knew that Anna would get in here on Wednesday and throw a fit if she couldn't find my Monday posts, so I wrote her a quick email explaining everything, and I honestly figured that my boss would have figured it out when she didn't get the emails from craigslist to confirm the postings, since they go to her email address.  When I got in this morning, I had an email from my boss explaining that she didn't figure it out, and that maybe I should make myself a note so that I don't forget in the future.  Anna forwarded her the email I'd sent her!!  It's not the goddamn end of the world if we don't post the ads one day!!  It's not like people are kicking down our door to rent these apartments or offices!  I'm so sick of Anna acting all high and mighty, like she never makes any mistakes and she's all-knowing.  I have come in several times to find the building keys were not locked up the night before, and she's so fucking lazy!  Thank GOD we got the one property we were setting up showings by appointment only rented or she'd still be forwarding me the damn messages to schedule time for HER to show it.  She leaves her used mugs in the little break room we have up here instead of taking them downstairs to the kitchen - for weeks!

I really don't want to have to work with her anymore.  Whenever she comes in to do work for the property management company (she does accounting, which includes my paychecks, but I do not trust her) or for the publishing company we have here, she checks the boxes that have been delivered and reorganizes them to her liking.  I'm really frustrated with her, and it makes me not want to work here anymore, and I really need to talk to my boss about it.

And then Jonas just got on me again because I haven't gotten in contact with him about sort of resolving things between us yet.  I'll be honest, I have been thinking about it.  I've thought about sending him and Jamie a long email explaining what is and has been going on in my head so that they understand, but I'm just not ready yet.  And it really hurts my feelings to find that someone would be so impatient with me that they'd Facebook unfriend me, especially when the friendship was as important to both of us as it was.  I'm just not ready to talk about what it is I'm feeling yet.  But I will, and it will be sooner rather than later, but I need time to resolve it all within myself before I can try to resolve anything else.

I know myself.  I know a lot of people who say that "so and so knows me better than I know myself," but I've done so much and such intensive work on myself that I am well aware of how I process things and what needs to happen in order for me to get something done and actually put something into it.  It used to drive my parents crazy that I wouldn't stop sucking my thumb until I was ready, or that I wouldn't learn to ride a two-wheeler until I was ready.  I'm stubborn about when I'm ready to do something, because if I try to do something that I'm not ready for - if I'm not ready to put everything I have into something, or if I'm not willing to give it 100% - then I feel as though I can just walk away at any time and leave it for another day, and that's disappointing to others and so I don't actually put any effort into something unless I am ready to put all my effort into it.  I know my limits.  I generally know what I am and am not capable of, and if I think I may not be able to do something, I don't try until I am ready and confident that I can do it.  I suppose it's a skewed take on "You can do whatever you put your mind to,"  because I know that I can do whatever I put my mind to, but my mind has to be made up about it first.  I mostly understand what I can do to disappoint myself, and because I know that I have low self-esteem I try to avoid doing things that will disappoint me.  Bottom line - I need to do what will help me love myself at the end of the day.  If that means upsetting someone else for a little while, then so be it.  At the end of the day, I am the one going to bed with myself and if I can't do that, then what's the point of the rest of it?

I still have a headache.  It's sort of lurking in the wings of my head (for those of you who don't know what "wings" are, it's a reference to a stage.  The "wings" are the sides of the stage that are not actually visible to the audience), waiting to come out until a most inconvenient time, like when I'm driving home, or trying to focus on something.  My appetite still isn't back, but I did steal some ingredients from my parents to make a dinner for myself.  I'd really love to get home and just relax, but I know that I'll be hungry later on and so I should probably just make the damn dinner for myself and get it over with.  So that's what I will do. 

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