Saturday, May 7, 2011


After a conversation with my little sister, I know I need to apologize to my parents.  I don't want to, but I should.  So I will do that tomorrow when I go over to celebrate Mother's Day.  My sister said exactly what I said to my mom on Wednesday - it all comes back to my older sister.  Her stupid decisions in her life, we are all paying for now.  It's not fair.  And there isn't a goddamn thing any of us can do about any of it.  We all just bend over and let her fuck each one of us in the ass, including her kids.  She's so unbelievably selfish and manipulative that it's not going to change.  Maybe it would be easier if we could all go to therapy to learn some coping mechanisms, but my sister has drained our family of any money that we had just sitting around, so that's not an option.

I went to bed around 10:30 last night.  I woke up around 8:20 this morning to let Phoenix outside, and went back to bed.  The next thing I knew it was 1pm.  I slept for about 15 hours.  When I got up, I got ready right away to take Phoenix to the dog park, but I felt really shaky, as though I had low blood sugar.  I knew I should probably eat, but honestly I didn't think about it too much, and forgot to eat before we left.  We stayed for about an hour, and when we left, I was still super shaky.  The first thing I did when I got home was drink a soda, thinking that if my blood sugar was what was making me shaky, the mono and disaccharides in the soda would be the easiest thing to boost my blood sugar right away.  I drank the soda and sat outside for awhile.  As I was surveying the back yard, I decided that I want to do some work on it to make it as gorgeous as possible.  So I started pulling weeds.  In order to effect my plans, I'm going to need a lot of bags of dirt and at least one bag of grass seed, and in order to buy those things I will need money.  Which, as I've said about a bajillion times in the last month or so, I have none of.  So I decided I could start with things that are free, like raking and pulling weeds and picking up dog poop.  So I started pulling weeds.  I found a really cool ant colony, complete with ant eggs (larvae?) and everything.  But after doing that for about 20 minutes, I started feeling like I might faint from lack of energy, so I decided to quit and go inside.  As I was now shaky AND dizzy, I drank another soda, and decided to try being immobile for awhile.

Well, of course, I fell asleep.  I slept for about 3 hours and had a lot of trouble waking up.  At that point, I was definitely starting to worry for my health.  I made myself some dinner - a batch of artichoke dip - and ate that, but guess what?  I'm still all shaky.  So between sleeping for 18 of the last 24 hours and feeling as though I am going to fall down at any given minute, I'm worried.  I'm hoping it's just stress taking over, but I have no real way of knowing.  I don't feel sick.  I'm not any more congested than usual, no cough, no body aches, no nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea.  I don't have a temperature and my pulse is still around 100.  So I just don't know what it could be.

I've showered now, and I'm ready for bed.  I talked with my little sister some more, and she had called our parents to tell them she is planning to come down tomorrow and my mom got all pissy with her.  I'm really, really dreading going over there tomorrow, but I've got to talk to them, it's got to be done.  I doubt I'm going to get anywhere with them as I cannot go back in time to take back what I said (I lent my delorean to Mr. T this weekend), and that's about the only thing that would fix the situation.  All I can do is try, I guess.

I'm quite miserable.  If it's not stress about money, or my job, or school, it's my family.  I'm anticipating a heart attack any day now.  I guess the only thing that gives me hope is the fact that even though I slept way late today, I did get out of bed and do things.  I even showered.  My depression is not taking over and getting out of control, despite the emotional and psychological stresses that I'm experiencing.  Normally I would crawl into bed and stay there, and while I'll admit that I have spent quite a lot of time there today, it was not because I simply didn't want to do anything else.  The opposite, in fact.  I wanted to do things, but was feeling physically unwell.  So that's something, I guess.

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