Thursday, May 19, 2011


Right now, my plan is to go home and crash today.  My parents have Phoenix for the day and so I won't have to worry about him.  If I can finish today's blog at work then I won't have to worry about anything when I get home.

I fucked up financially, again.  I went ahead and made a bunch of online payments this morning, assuming that I had enough money in my bank account (I keep track in my head and I have been doing a really good job of that, but apparently I was way off today), but then I checked the bank account and was about $80 off.  So now I have to borrow money from my parents to get me through until next paycheck.

I did, however, finally cancel my stupid-ass, money-sucking health-insurance plan.  At this point I don't know what I am going to do - but I have already started the process of getting patient assistance for my prescriptions, and since I am on the Lupron, I am off the birth control and won't have to worry about that anymore.  And I've already got the patient assistance for the Lupron.  What worries me is that CU requires proof of other insurance if you opt not to use the school insurance, and I haven't been asked for proof of insurance yet, so I don't know what I am going to do.  If they don't ask me for it, then great.  If they do, I can be reasonably certain that I can give them what I've got and hope they won't find out the coverage ends on June 1st.  If not, then I need to look into getting more loans and grants.  Which, by the way, I have already started investigating.  I called the financial aid office today and asked why I wasn't awarded any federal grants, and I've got someone looking into that.  I will probably have to physically go into the office next week to get out of them what I need to get out of them, but that's okay.  I figured I'd have to do that at some point since I was only able to obtain enough loans to cover two of the three classes I plan to take. 

Either way, I find that I am not freaking out at the prospect of having no money to last me until next paycheck.  I think it's because of my parents' reassurance when I was upset earlier this week.  I told them (and did so with vehemence) about how much I hate having to take money from them, because I am 26 and should be on my own by now, but they told me that I needn't feel badly about it (because I really, really do) and that when I'm meant to be on my own, I will be.  They're grateful that I've been working so hard to distance myself from them financially and they understand that I hate asking them for money, and they want me to understand that if I need to ask for money that I can, because they're happy to help me out since they're helping both my other sisters out and what I'm asking for from them is considerably less than what they give my sisters.  However, it doesn't mean I like it any more.  And I fully intend to pay them back for all the money they've lent me and then some.  If I get a settlement from the lawsuit I've got over that Yaz or Yasmin I took when I had the blood clot, most of that money is going to paying off my parents' debt.  Then I'll look at paying my own debt off.  If I get accepted into the Peace Corps, I can sell my car and then give my parents that money.  I've already told them that that is my plan.  They wanted to set it aside for me until I return, but I told them that my stipends and bonus after getting out will be enough to get me back on my feet.  If I am not accepted, then I plan to just stay in school to prevent my having to pay back my loans and maybe use school insurance or discounted insurance until I can get a job where I am making the $50,000 or more a year I - and my education - are worth. 

It's just a matter of time until I can get things to work out in my favor.  I just need to be able to hold out until that time.  That's where I'm having trouble.  I like that I have some plans for either possibility, but the plans that I have sort of require that the steps to each plan go as I need them to.  And that's the really scary part. 

I have always - as long as I can remember - been prone to the freak-outs I have experienced in the last month or so whenever I start projecting into the future.  By projecting into the future, I mean planning, and then finding out that my plans won't work the way I'd hoped.  I feel like I need constant control over every aspect of my life, and the big things (money, right now) is what I feel like I have no control over.  It doesn't seem to matter how much money I make, it's always gone.  I'm working towards figuring out how to lower the bills I pay monthly and I think I am making progress, but it's still very stressful.

Interestingly.  Actually, very interestingly.  There is a big change in my life that is not really affecting me in the manner I would have anticipated.  I have found a man that is nothing if not perfect for me.  We are nearly perfect for each other, at least as far as I can tell, and he likes me so much.  I thought I'd be more ecstatic.  More thrilled!  More something.  But I feel just about the same.  That's not to say that I don't feel anything at all, because I do.  It's almost like knowing that my future is safe and not having to worry about that anymore, and maybe I'm just feeling contented.  I've spent so much time daydreaming about what I wanted and what I was hoping for, and I just don't know if I'm getting it, or if I'm disenchanted in some way.  I'm doing my best at soaking up the wonderful and the amazing way he makes me feel, and how important he makes me feel and I'm just not sure why I'm not jumping out if my skin with excitement. 

Anyway, oddly, I dressed exactly like Liz Lemon today, without even realizing it.  I'm serious.  Curly hair.  Side part.  Glasses.  Even down to the sweater over a long-sleeved dress shirt with the sweater sleeves rolled up.  And I swear I didn't think about it beforehand.  I wore my glasses all day yesterday and I haven't received my new contacts yet, so I figured that I would just go ahead and wear my glasses all day today.  I wore my hair curly because I knew I didn't have anyone important to see (Writer Guy), and it's been raining so it's a whole lot more curly, and also I figured that it would just look terrific all day.  I had planned to wear warmer clothes today, again, since it's raining, and this was one of the only long-sleeved shirts I had, and I wanted to wear a sweater over it because it's an old shirt.  It wasn't until I'd arrived at work and decided to wear my sleeves rolled down to keep warm that I am the blonde version of a boyfriended Liz Lemon today.  See?


  1. Have you ever considered a part time job?

  2. Are you serious? I already work about 40 hours a week. I don't really want to work more than that because my dog has separation anxiety and it's hard for me to be away from him for that long, even.