Monday, May 16, 2011

Another (albeit slightly less) Catastrophic Monday

Today has been lousy.  No one thing to bring the day itself down for me, but I have been feeling uber-crappy all day.  It took me a few hours this morning to realize that the reason I'm feeling physically yucky is because I have a hangover!  After drinking as much as I did yesterday (which included us splitting a bottle of champagne, then about half a bottle of white zinfindel, then finishing off a bottle of Bailey's Irish Creme and then each having two shots of vodka in a glass of orange juice, it's no wonder my body is reacting poorly.  Also, last night I wasn't able to take my full dose of Effexor - I was only able to take one third of my normal dose.  I thought that if I could take any of it (and I only had one third of the dose left), I wouldn't be feeling the full effects of the withdrawal I normally feel when I haven't taken any of it the previous night.  And that's indeed the case.  But between the hangover and the minor effects of the withdrawal, I feel pretty nauseated. 

I'm also very tired.  After I dropped off my new guy last night, I went home and intended to go to bed pretty shortly thereafter, but when I turned on the TV, Caddyshack was on, and I couldn't just turn that off.  So I laid in bed watching the last hour or so of that, while flipping back and forth to The Exorcist during commercials.  I didn't end up turning off the light until about 11:30, which is way too late for me to be getting to sleep if I have my alarm set for 5am the next morning.  I set my alarm for 5am so that I can be certain to be up at 6am to get going.  I generally hit snooze for an hour before I actually get up.  Anyway, I was definitely dragging this morning.

It took me a short while after I got to work for me to even realize that I wasn't feeling great, and I brought some grape soda and the leftovers of yesterday's lunch (called Bekri) with me.  However, I haven't at any point during the day felt good enough to actually indulge in the delicious grape soda, and I did finish the Bekri and it was delicious as well, but it didn't help my nausea at all.

I left work, and in a hurry, too, because I had to get to the bank before 6:00pm to deposit my check.  Ironically, today was the first day I hit significant traffic on my drive home, and was perplexed as to why and what made today any different than any other day, and I was never able to figure it out.  In my impatience to get home, I tried taking a shortcut, but I was incorrect as to the route and I thought that a street was a thru street but it turned out to be a one way in the opposite direction with a bike trail.  I could have easily ignored the street signs but I went with my better judgment and just looked for the quickest way out - which led me to drive past the three-way stop I would have had to go through had I just stayed exactly where I was, and then I had to get back in a long line of cars to get to that three-way stop.  So I ended up adding 5 or 6 precious minutes to my drive, which didn't help my already heightened frustration over the increase in traffic volume on my normal drive home.  When I finally made it home, I picked up Phoenix and drove straight over to the bank, arriving at the drive-thru at 5:51.  After that, I went to my parents house to see if maybe they were having some dinner - although my appetite is severely lacking due to the nausea today - and to let them see Phoenix.

When I got there, I was telling my mom about the new guy and how excited I was yesterday (and am today, although I explained that I am starting to freak out today), and my dad came in with the mail, which contained my most recent correspondence from my insurance company regarding the application for short-term health insurance I submitted last week.  I have been denied short-term coverage because I am already covered with this company, and they will not consider me for a change in coverage.  Apparently I have to terminate my existing coverage and re-apply for different coverage, and even then I can only apply for short-term coverage, I can't apply for a different plan, like a copay plan like I want.  Then literally immediately after discovering this, I received a phone call from Linda - which I let go to voicemail - in which she told me that Rainey had gotten into the bucket I keep Phoenix's dog food in and eaten the rest of it.  She offered to let me have some of the food she feeds Rainey to replace it, but that is no help because I've been trying to get Phoenix off the Beneful and onto a lower-fat, non-organic but just as healthy brand of food.  And this is the third damn time that Rainey has eaten a significant amount of Phoenix's food.  So at that point, I just lost it.  I burst into tears.

I hate feeling out of control more than anything, and two of the things I have been trying to desperately get control over in the last few weeks - two things that have been a major source of stress for me - I literally have no control over.  My parents were sitting there with me, already discussing my insurance situation with me, when I burst into tears and immediately offered to help in whatever way they can.  Which only frustrates me further because I want to stop depending on my parents in any capacity whatsoever, even in an emergency capacity, which is how I've been depending on them for the last few months.  I am 26 years old and I should be self-sufficient by now.  On top of that, they fully support both my sisters and three small children and don't need the added expense of having to be my emergency net.  My mom offered to pay for my one expensive prescription medication - the Effexor - which is around $30 a month, but that's if I continue to have any kind of medical insurance.  Without insurance, even the generic version is over $100/month.

I fucking hate feeling so helpless.  I mean, I just got paid today - $750 - and it's almost entirely reallocated already to bills.  I was really hoping to be able to do some decent grocery shopping, but I keep thinking of other things I need to pay for, like new contact lenses, and the $50 worth of dog food that will last around 3 weeks, and the refill I had to pay for today.  Bunches of little $30 expenses add up, and before I know it, I won't be able to pay for the gas to get me to work for the next two weeks (which at this point is about $40/week).  It seems like no matter what costs I attempt to cut, another one pops up to take the place of the last one.  I canceled my credit card, which I am hoping will stop the $5 monthly fee that Capital One began charging late last year just to keep an account with them.  I have been paying the minimum balance on the card, which is around $17-18 a month, but that was the amount of the the monthly fee, the payment protection charge and the interest, so I wasn't actually making any kind of a dent in the actual balance.  I just can't keep up.

And then there's my emotions that I'm battling today.  I had so much fun with this new guy last night, and I know that I really do like him very much, but I felt something today that I recognize as a sort of "freak-out" feeling that has caused me to run away from totally decent guys in the past.  It's like all of a sudden, if I discover that they perhaps like me as much as or more than I like them, I get scared and want out.  I suddenly can't handle the pressure of living up to whatever the picture of me that they've got in their head is and so I bail.  I don't want to do this with him because I know that I won't find another guy who is so much like me and who can keep up with me the way he can.  So I'm trying to just ignore the little devil on my shoulder who is telling me to "Get out!  As soon as you can!  At all costs!  Before it's too late!" and just relax and go with the flow.  But I'm still aware of this nagging feeling - which I am having trouble describing in any concrete terms - in the back of my mind.  I'm trying to alleviate the pressure I'm feeling by talking with my closest people - Tiffany and Kate - about it to sort of prevent myself from doing anything rash, and so far, that is helping.  Also, all I need to do is be honest and up front with the guy about my feelings and I know everything will be just fine.  I just need to get past this point.

So I need to go get into the shower now.  I am really dreading this because I need to shave my legs and that takes WAY too long and I just want to crawl into bed and forget about this day.  And I've given myself an 8:30 bedtime for tonight so I better get moving.  Oh, shit, I'm pretty much out of clean underpants, too.  Fuck.

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