Depersonalization disorder is marked by a feeling of detachment or distance from one's own experience, body, or self. These feelings of depersonalization are recurrent. Of the dissociative disorders, depersonalization is the one most easily identified with by the general public; one can easily relate to feeling as they in a dream, or being "spaced out." Feeling out of control of one's actions and movements is something that people describe when intoxicated. An individual with depersonalization disorder has this experience so frequently and so severely that it interrupts his or her functioning and experience. A person's experience with depersonalization can be so severe that he or she believes the external world is unreal or distorted.
I don't have much to write about today. The remnants from yesterday's mini-meltdown are gone, which helps lessen the tension in the house. Today was my second-to-last day at my current job, and that's just fine with me. It was brought to my attention that my boss has been talking about me to people around the office, and not in a nice way. I'm honestly not at all surprised, given the experience I had with my boss when I was working at the front desk last year. She's most certainly the person I'd have really not liked in high school, because she'll be syrupy sweet to your face, but then turn around and tell people how much they don't like you. One of the reasons I was almost fired last year was because I had posted on my facebook status something along the lines of not wanting to go to work one day, and she saw it and told my bosses, who in turn called me into their office to have a "talk." So no, I pretty much expected that she was talking behind my back. I told my parents about it, and my mom made a good point - that when you don't participate in workplace gossip about others, it doesn't occur to you that they might be talking about you to others. I hate workplace gossip - I've been burned by it more than once, and so I do my best to be as nice as possible to every single person.
When it comes down to it, I just want to be treated exactly as I treat others, and so I don't talk about people behind their back if I can help it (my sister notwithstanding - that's a totally different thing). I go into every situation expecting nothing less than honesty and respect from anyone, and I think that it the best way to do that. I don't like when I first meet someone and they try to influence my perception of another person just because they don't like that person for whatever reason. I like to form my own opinions of others based on my interactions with them.
And so I prepare for the new job mentally! I know I'm going to struggle with being stuck at work for 9 and a half hours with no real break to eat or nap, and I have to leave the house at 6:45am! OUCH. So I'm going to go read for an hour tonight and go to bed, then wake up a little earlier tomorrow to practice. I woke up at 7:30 this morning!
Oh! I'm SOOOOOO excited for Friday! I really wanted to hit the Black Friday shopping way way early in the morning, but I am not going to have too much money to spend, so I don't know if I will end up going. It will totally depend on the deals I see in the ads on Thursday. But that's not entirely why I'm excited. I'm going to Not So Silent Night put on by channel 93.3, this year featuring 3Oh!3, Innerpartysystem, Oh My Stars and The Epilogues, all of which I love!! I've never been to a show like this and I'm super duper excited! It's at the First Bank Center, which is literally 4 minutes away from my house, and I'm taking my little sister, and I'm going to make her go early and get right up front by the stage! I've been to several shows where I've gotten up close and that's really the best way to do it. It's going to be CRAZY!
Also, Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday. You don't have to stress out over buying gifts for people, you don't have to go to church, and it's a holiday that celebrates food. What could be better?? We don't do anything fancy. We just spend all day cooking and watching football and the Macy's Parade, and napping and reading, and each one of us participates in the food preparation. We used to play a board game or two on the evenings after dinner, too, more often than not a Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit game. It's totally nerdy, but I have the very best memories of Thanksgivings past. There are even a few where we got together with a family that we knew when we lived in Florida, who moved up to Colorado back in the 90's. Those were great, too. I have almost no bad memories of Thanksgiving, which says a lot considering my sister and my dad's propensities towards anger and rage. I'll probably have to eat those words after the last couple months we've had, but I'd like to hope for the best because there's not a whole lot of pressure to perform on Thanksgiving, the way there sometimes is on Easter or Christmas.
I didn't write too much about how wonderful it was to see the kids yesterday, I was really preoccupied with what was going on at the moment. It was absolutely wonderful to see the kids. The boys are a bit bigger than I remember them, but not too much. I don't want to use their names on here, so I'll refer to them as Z and H and S, which are the first letters of their names. Z and H, the boys, are hilarious. I don't remember seeing my parents laugh at the things we used to say, but the things that come out of their mouths are often quite hilarious. Z is more sensitive and artistic, although H will surprise the crap out of me by suddenly jumping on my lap and snuggling. He even got really excited yesterday when I said he could have a sucker and he grabbed my face and kissed me on the lips 5 times, which I of course just love. They're so energetic and so boyish, fighting "bad guys" and "pirates" and "monsters" all the time. H laughs at things like farts and poop, and Z and I played foosball for awhile and he loved it. Meanwhile, the baby, who is 11 months old, was exhibiting major signs of separation anxiety. She would hardly let my sister out of her sight the whole 30 hours they were over here. It was only towards the end that she started relaxing and being more affable, but it was brief because she started getting tired and cranky. Losing those three months with her is going to really affect the relationship we have with her over the next 6 months or so. She's going to be here at least once a week, which is probably enough to get used to us, and to learn the routine for living here, but it's got to be extremely stressful for a baby to have gone so long without her mommy and then be thrown back into the mix as though nothing has happened. It makes me angry to no end that my sister's ex-husband's actions have forced this horrible situation. He's the one who cheated, knocked up another woman, and my sister is the one who is suffering for it just because she reacted as any other woman would react having been cuckolded. I talked for awhile with my little sister yesterday who was not here for the whole mess that happened last night, and she said that at this point, there's nothing that any of us can do, and that being the case, it's silly to fret over it. That's exactly the explanation I've given myself time after time when faced with a situation that I have no control over, and being able to accept that you're not in control and that nothing you do will make the slightest bit of difference is very helpful for the abatement of my stress. It's one of those things that is a lot easier said than done, but once it is done, the change is exponentially better.
I'm done for now. I guess I had more to write about than I thought!
*"NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | Mental Illnesses." NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy. Web. 22 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=26975>.
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