Left Up to Fate

Dissociative fugue is a rare disorder. An individual with dissociative fugue suddenly and unexpectedly takes physical leave of his or her surroundings and sets off on a journey of some kind. These journeys can last hours, or even several days or months. Individuals experiencing a dissociative fugue have traveled over thousands of miles. An individual in a fugue state is unaware of or confused about his identity, and in some cases will assume a new identity (although this is the exception).*

Despite my deep affection for sleep, I'm totally a morning person.  I can get out of my bed very early and be as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I was before I went to bed the night before.  I had virtually no problem waking up at 5:30 this morning despite the fact that my normal wake-up time is around 9am, or the fact that I didn't go to bed until around midnight last night.  However, I am feeling pretty exhausted today.

The interview I had today went really well.  I was really ready for both the written test and the practicals, and I feel like this interview was more laid back than the one I had earlier this year.  If I hadn't known that my driving record was going to be the decision-maker, I'd almost guarantee that I would be getting a job there.  Oh well.  I did everything that I could and now it's out of my hands.  There's no point in ruminating over it anymore. 

Work is getting increasingly more tense and awkward.  My boss spends as little time as possible in my presence.  I think she's trying to make her peace with having to let me go.  When I got home from work today, my sister was asleep.  She asked me to get her up when I got home, which I did, but she didn't get up.  I decided I wanted to lie down and take a nap, so I told her that when she didn't wake up in time for her visitation with her kids today, I would not take responsibility for it.  I did fall asleep for a little while, and while I wanted to just be able to let the whole thing go, I think I subconsciously could not.  I woke up at 4pm and she was still not out of bed.  I yelled at her to get up, and she hopped out of bed and started rushing around.  Her visitation was at 4:45pm today.  She likes to bring things for her kids, like snacks that she knows they like, but when she gets up so close to the time of the appointment, she can't do that.  Last night she went out and stayed out all night.  Again.  She told all of us that if she did come home last night, that we needed to make sure she was up at 7am to be at breakfast with her friend at 8am.  Then she proceeded to sleep all day.

She is on some very heavy-duty medications, including one whose dosage is so high that she passes out after taking it and then cannot wake herself up in the morning.  So she stays out all night, comes home, takes her meds, and then sleeps all day.  I'm so angry and frustrated that her kids are seemingly not important enough to her that she adjust her social schedule so that she can be awake and prepared on the days of her visitations.  On top of that, when she got up today, she asked me for money to put gas in her van.  I told her no, absolutely not.  I saw my dad give her $40 yesterday that was supposed to put gas in her van and then last her the rest of the week, but somehow that money did not go towards gas, and so she was unable to drive her van to her visitation, she took the truck.

I cannot comprehend being so irresponsible and disorganized that I couldn't even wake up on time for something important like my kids.  It makes me more pissed off than I know how to express.  Then the fact that she is STILL taking  money from my parents, completely devoid of guilt just adds to my frustration!  I began to think about how she was going to be late for her visitation, and how there was a good chance that she may get a speeding ticket on the way there.  I already know, from going through her van, that she has two unpaid parking tickets.  She is so incredibly deceptive and deceitful that if she were to get a speeding ticket, she would not tell my parents about it, the fee would go up, her license will get canceled or she'll have a warrant out for her arrest, and my parents will have to pay all the court fees, the fee to have her license reinstated, and whatever three times the ticket amount is because she won't have paid it to begin with.  However, I just found out that she drives around without a license.  So I guess she'll go straight to jail if she does get pulled over, which is bound to happen sooner or later.  I just hope her kids aren't in the car when that does inevitably happen.

So that was my day today.  I didn't really have too much time to actually use my brain to think about things, and I'm okay with that.  I'm trying really hard to just take things one at a time.  I know that one of my biggest triggers is projecting out into the future and worrying about all the "what ifs" of what may or may not happen.  

I am very tired, though, and I have the opportunity tonight to actually climb into bed and watch TV in my jammies and not have to study or write on my blog, so that's what I'm going to do.  Right now.

--UPDATE-- I'm mad because the Country Music Awards are on ABC tonight instead of Modern Family and Cougar Town.  So not only are two of my favorite shows not on, but they've been preempted by an awards show celebrating the world's worst genre of music.  I love a good awards show, but this is one I will never watch. 

*"NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | Mental Illnesses." NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy. Web. 10 Nov. 2010. <http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=26975>.