Sunday, November 21, 2010

What Will it Take?

Intermittent explosive disorder is characterized by repeated episodes of aggressive, violent behavior in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation. Road rage, domestic abuse, and angry outbursts or temper tantrums that involve throwing or breaking objects may be signs of intermittent explosive disorder (IED).  People with intermittent explosive disorder may attack others and their possessions, causing bodily injury and property damage. Later, people with intermittent explosive disorder may feel remorse, regret or embarrassment.

The exact cause of intermittent explosive disorder is unknown, but the disorder is probably caused by a number of environmental and biological factors.  Most people with this disorder grew up in families where explosive behavior and verbal and physical abuse were common. Being exposed to this type of violence at an early age makes it more likely for these children to exhibit these same traits as they mature.  There may also be a genetic component, causing the disorder to be passed down from parents to children.  Additionally, there may be differences in the way serotonin, an important chemical messenger in the brain, works in people with intermittent explosive disorder. Higher levels of the hormone testosterone have been associated with intermittent explosive disorder.*

This is going to be really short because I have a headache that is just waiting in the wings of my head to powerfully explode.  Much like my father's anger.  At the end of the day, I can say it was totally wonderful to see the kids again, and it's entirely possible that we will not see them again.  They got here about 1:30pm yesterday, and everything went pretty well.  They stayed until 6pm today.

As they were leaving today, my sister got all huffy and puffy because her baby girl, who is 11 months old and having extreme bouts of separation anxiety - and rightfully so - began screaming because my sister was more than an arm's length away getting the boys ready to leave.  Because my sister got agitated, so did my dad.  As my dad moves terribly slow due to his weight and the fact that his joints have mostly stopped functioning correctly, he got in my sister's way, and she yelled at him to get out of her way, and he in turn screamed at her, "DO YOU WANT ME TO SMACK YOU?!"  This scared the shit out of the kids, the older one especially because he's the sensitive one, and there's a great big chance that the kids will go home and tell their dad and their other grandparents about it, and we will not get visitations again.  Of course, I'm being very black and white about this, things may be just fine, but that's a very small possibility.

I have a lot of very confusing feelings about this whole situation.  I don't know how to feel or what to do, or if there even is anything I can do.

I am so ready to move out, because I know that my stress level will decrease exponentially once I'm gone.  I know that with some self-control, I will be able to save enough money for a deposit and some rent and get the hell out.  But there's a voice of reason that's telling me to be responsible and save some extra money to be able to pay for what will inevitably happen - a car accident, or Phoenix gets hurt or sick, or my car breaks down again, or whatever.  I just don't know if I can hang in there long enough.  This last month and a half have been HELL.  Threats to call the police, burns, cuts, bruises, threats against my dog, my dad screaming at me for "instigating" when my sister goes batshit crazy, having my money stolen, my mom screaming at my sister; I just don't know what else could happen at this point that would surprise me, but I can guarantee it will happen and I will be surprised.

I could hardly stay awake all day, so I'm going to take some aspirin and go to bed.  I was really hoping I'd be able to relax and get mentally prepared to start my new job this week.

*"Intermittent Explosive Disorder: Definition, Causes -" Mayo Clinic Medical Information and Tools for Healthy Living - Web. 21 Nov. 2010. <>.

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